WAS STANLEY KUBRICK MURDERED?

LONDON – A new book asks the question: Was Stanley Kubrick murdered?

Stanley Kubrick‘s life was surrounded by a miasma of legend and rumor. His films are the rich breeding ground for OCD analysis, OCD analysis and some more OCD analysis; and now his death has become the subject of  a new book by Hardy Mantellance – Who Killed Stanley Kubrick?

The Stanley Kubrick scholar claims that the Spartacus director was done in by a fatal confluence of Masonic Satanism, poison and an unbalanced man who had been fatally damaged by watching Barry Lyndon every night for eighteen years. 

I spoke to Hardy Mantellance in her West London home. 

Stanley Kubrick suffered a myocardial infarction in his sleep shortly after completing Eyes Wide Shut. A myocardial infarction is relatively simple to provoke with the use of poison. Who do we know who uses poisons in all his films and had a deadly rivalry with Stanley Kubrick?  Steven Spielberg.

But Spielberg was Stanley Kubrick’s friend!

Until they began to develop the script for AI together, at which point a deadly enmity grew between them over the creative disagreement. Kubrick wanted to make a ‘good film’. After Kubrick’s death no one was there to stop Spielberg from making a ‘bad film’, exactly as he had always wanted.   

So you’re accusing Oscar winner Steven Spielberg of murder?

That’s what they want you to think.

Who’s they?

The Saturn Death Cult who Kubrick had so brilliantly exposed in Eyes Wide Shut. The Saturn Death Cult are a secret group made up of the elite from business, politics and celebrity. They perform ritual sex orgies which culminate in human sacrifice and their members include that old enemy of Stanley Kubrick, Jack Nicholson.

What?

The night Kubrick died Nicholson was overheard to say at a Lakers game, ‘We did it!’ At the time people thought he was referring to the Lakers victory, but it was only afterwards some right minded folk realised he was actually referring to the successful conspiracy to do away with the man who had forced Nicholson to say ‘Here’s Johnny!’ 78 times, even though his name is actually Jack.

So Nicholson murdered Kubrick?

Ha ha, how innocent you are! But ask yourself this, if Nicholson killed Kubrick, why was Nicole Kidman unable to contain her tears on the Eyes Wide Shut featurette?

Because she was sad at the passing of a man she admired.

Those were tears of joy. Following the orders of her Svengali like husband – Tom Cruise – whose own religious cult Scientology had just signed a pact with the Saturn Death Cult worth billions of dollars, Nicole Kidman had baked some cupcakes which were laced with a powerful chemical provided by Steven Spielberg and concocted in his ‘Temple of Doom’ laboratory deep in the Hollywood hills and placed in a Tupperware container bought from a Kmart by Jack Nicholson on the twenty fifth anniversary of the Apollo moon landings, moon landings which were faked convincingly by Stanley Kubrick who was as a reward given the right to make any film he liked, even Barry Lyndon.

The fact would be exposed in Capricorn One directed by Peter Hyams, whose silence was bought by being given the apparently peach job of making a sequel to 2001: a Space Odyssey, but the peach proved to be a poison apple and the film – 2010: the Year We Make Contact – was a critical disaster. Hyams (who grew up two doors down from Ryan O’Neal) spent the rest of his life watching Barry Lyndon on a loop and plotting revenge, a revenge that was only made possible by a coincidental meeting with Malcolm McDowell, the actor made famous by A Clockwork Orange, but who Stanley Kubrick had humiliated when he once, June 7th, 1978, asked if Malcolm had lost any weight, knowing full well that Malcolm had not. 

So Peter Hyams, Malcolm McDowell, Steven Spielberg, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology,  Jack Nicholson and the Satan Death Cult all conspired to kill Stanley Kubrick?

It would be comforting to think so, wouldn’t it? But the truth is actually a lot darker. Shelley Duvall…

At this point my recording device cut out and the rest of the interview is lost. Coincidence? I don’t know. 

Hardy Mantellance’s Who Killed Stanley Kubrick? is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

HUGH GRANT CAN ACT

HOLLYWOOD – The world of showbusiness is reeling following revelations that Hugh Grant can act.

Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant was accused yesterday of being able to act. The news came following the airing of the HBO Max series The Undoing, in which Grant stars alongside Nicole Kidman. Initially, sources close to the star denied the rumors. Reynard Maspensa Grant’s agent of over fifty years issued the following statement:

Reports circulating that my client can act are a cruel fabrication. You only have to watch Nine Months or Mickey Blue Eyes to know there is not a crumb of truth to these assertions. Instead, Mr Grant while filming the series The Undoing was on a pain medication for his back, a condition he has suffered from for many years. And a side effect of this medicine does lend a certain verite to performance which was entirely unintended.

Fans were at first unbelieving. Then angry. Billy Mopes, President of the fan club Grant Approval, told the Exec:

I couldn’t believe it. All my life I’ve dedicated myself to watching movies in whcih Hugh Grant barely musters the energy to act like he wants to be there. And now what’s this? He’s playing a character? It goes totally against what his many fans – Barry and Marie – want. Some are saying this is not as bad as Cloud Atlas, but it’s much worse. Cloud Atlas was at least a bad movie. This is actually quite good.

We asked Hugh Grant for comment but he headbutted me and kicked me down three flights of stairs at his waterfront residence in Malibu.

The Undoing is on HBO Max.

NICOLE KIDMAN’S FINGERS TO STAR IN THE BABADOOK 2

SYDNEY – Nicole Kidman’s fingers are to star in The Babadook 2: One Hand Clapping.

Nicole Kidman has a part in the new film by Australian director Jennifer Kent. A spokesperson announced the cast today to the follow up to Jennifer Kent’s 2014 success The Babadook.

It’s with great delight that I can confirm that Nicole Kidman’s fingers are going to play a prominent role in the upcoming film The Babadook 2. The film will revisit the story of the malignant children’s book that comes alive. The script is already in place and Jennifer Kent will be directing once more.

The original horror film won cult success on its release and the main character has since become something of an icon. We asked would Nicole be playing a relative, perhaps the mother or wife of the Babadook?

No, I’m afraid that we couldn’t afford that. She does have a prominent role as I said. But we could only afford her hands. It doesn’t matter though. That is after all where the fear lies.

The official synopsis reads:

Following a family tragedy little Jane moves to California with her grieving mother. But when Jane starts reading a book about Nicole Kidman’s fingers, everything starts to go terribly wrong.

The Babadook 2: One Hand Clapping will be released in 2018.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

ALEJANDRO INARRITU TO DIRECT PADDINGTON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Popular children’s film Paddington 2 is to take an altogether different direction with the news that Oscar winning Birdman and Revenant director, Alejandro Inarritu is to take over as director.

Alejandro Inarritu dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film Paddington 2.

I know that it is something of a surprise to see me take on a film such as this, but my career has been about trying to get away from the ghost of myself. If I simply becoming an automaton repeating the same old tropes and moves then artistically I will die. 21 Grams and Babel were too similar and so Birdman was a comedy, something I’ve never done. The Revenant is – when you come down to it – a classical revenge Western. But I’ve never done a children’s film. Not ever. And so when I saw Paddington I thought, I could have some of that.

The original Paddington was a huge success and Ben Wishaw is to return as the voice of the bear with Hugh Bonneville and Sally Hawkins also returning as the Browns, who, along with their children, adopt Paddington after finding him alone at Paddington railway station. But we asked if there was a story line yet:

It’s all very sketchy right now but I have some ideas of how I want to approach this and what I want to do. First of all we will film in only natural light, I will allow myself a maximum of five cuts in the whole move and there will be absolutely no CGI.

No CGI?

That was the one mistake I made on the Revenant and never again. CGI takes you out of the movie. It is automatic, when something is CGI your brain thinks, ‘Ah this is safe!’ I want danger and so we’ll be using a real bear and Ben will do the voice over live on set, perhaps strapped to the back of the bear. Nicole Kidman is returning as the villain of the piece. But in a way I also want all the characters to be draped in moral ambiguity. So my idea is that Mr. Brown has leukemia and in order to pay for his treatments, Mrs. Brown is selling heroin to street kids. Millicent (that’s Nicole) is blackmailing Mrs. Brown and turning her against Paddington who to be fair has become increasingly violent as he is following a Guru who is teaching him to get in touch with his inner bear. The idea came to me when I heard that ridiculous story about DiCaprio being raped by the bear. It was nonsense but then I thought, ‘What if Paddington instead of giving Mr. Brown a long hard stare…?’

Paddington 2: The Moral Darkness of a Godless Universe will be released in 2018.

 Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

47 FILMS: 17. EYES WIDE SHUT

In our continuing series of 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams, we look at Stanley Kubrick’s last picture Eyes Wide Shut.

Stan Kubrick was lazy. He should have churned out a film every three years but instead he spent the decade between 1987 and 1997 sat in an armchair watching QVC and eating bread and butter pudding.

Finally in 1997 he was on his way to the bathroom with a horse racing form guide and a fresh toilet roll when it occurred to him that the churning sensation in his guts was not the prelude to a bowel movement but the compulsion to make a movie. Hence, Eyes Wide Shut was born. A film that on its original release was violated by critics and slammed in the press for its explicit sex scenes and general all round dullness. “Kubrick’s latest film is terrible,” the headlines cried and everyone signed a petition to get him thrown in the Tower of London.

Sadly, before his public trial Stanley passed away and suddenly the reviews were less harsh. “Kubrick’s last film is all okay” the headlines cried and all the critics felt better about themselves, the world continued spinning and Eyes Wide Shut was only spoken about again in hushed whispers in public lavatories.

For many the problem is Tom Cruise. They seem unable to buy him as the curious Doctor who stumbles into a parallel universe of masonic rituals and general weirdness but Kubrick cast Cruise and indeed Kidman for a reason. At the time they were the most recognisable and powerful couple in Hollywood and it’s difficult for an audience to separate them from their characters. So to convince the pair to dissect their marriage on-screen not only proves the sway of Kubrick, but also the artistic bravery of Cruise and Kidman.

Of course being a Kubrick picture everything is beautifully shot, exquisitely lit and the soundtrack is near on perfect but in a film about masks, it’s not what we see on the surface, it’s what’s lurking underneath. The film is Stanley’s comment on a world he has undoubtedly experienced, a world where no matter how powerful you think you are or how much you think you know, there are always more powerful people who know more than you. You get the distinct impression Kubrick is trying to reveal something, using film as a medium to lift a veil on how the upper echelons of society live and what goes on behind their gilded gates.

Conspiracy theories have been buzzing around the internet for years with strange stories of how Stanley was whacked by the secret society he exposed and although there is no evidence for such a seemingly preposterous theory. Something about the film is unsettlingly real and makes you wonder how much truth is hidden in the fiction. Also when you consider it never received a single nomination in all the big awards ceremonies of that year; you wonder if the subject matter was a little too close to home for the power brokers and aristocrats of the movie industry.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

WATCH TOLLYWOOD EYES WIDE SHUT REMAKE

MUMBAI – A new Tollywood version of Eyes Wide Shut is perhaps the most terrifying thing you’ll ever see.

Made in 1998, the Telugu film (also known as Tollywood) Adavi Donga stars superstar Chiranjeevi.

The film was directly inspired by Stanley Kubrick’s posthumous classic Eyes Wide Shut. Many believe that it is superior to the Nicole Kidman – Tom Cruise psycho-sexual drama, altohugh there are references to all of Stanley Kubrick’s major works, including 2001: a Space Odyssey, The Shining, A Clockwork Orange and Barry Lyndon.

 

MERYL STREEP TO GET OSCAR CATEGORY TO HERSELF

HOLLYWOOD – 19 times Oscar nominated (now for Into the Woods) and 3 times previous winner, actress Meryl Streep will no longer be eligible for nomination in the Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress categories, it was revealed today.

Instead, the Academy of Motion Pictures has announced a separate award dedicated simply to her – the Best Meryl Streep Performance of the Year Award – which will Oscar, organizers hope, free up the other categories for Emma Thompson.

Ms. Streep is understood to be relaxed about the news  and she took a minute out of her shoe buying (she is currently preparing for her role in Luc Besson’s forthcoming Imelda Marcos bio-pic More Shoes) to speak with the Studio Exec:

I know why they’re doing it and I applaud them, although the easiest solution would simply have to been: stop nominating me altogether. Of course, like any artiste, I crave the approval of my peers and simply because I have achieved a modicum of success doesn’t lessen that craving. As Cameron Diaz says in The Counselor three times ‘I’m famished’. 

How do you feel essentially competing against yourself?

But is that what’ll happen. I’m not so sure. A Meryl Streep performance isn’t something only Meryl Streep can do you know. Look at Nicole Kidman in The Hours, or Charlize Theron in Monster. I’m sure I won’t be the only nominee, so I’ll have to practice my secretly disappointed but filled with admiration for the just victor face.  

 The Oscars will happen in February but in secret.

NICOLE KIDMAN ANNOUNCES SHE ‘WON’T BE MAKING ANY MORE GOOD FILMS’

MELBOURNE – Eyes Wide Shut and BMX Bandits star Nicole Kidman has today announced that she will ‘no longer be making good films’.

The Australian superstar told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve come to that stage in my career where for every good film I make, there are at least three very poor ones and it only serves to confuse my many fans and/or detractors. Just as they think I’ve come good with a The Hours, or Rabbit Hole, up pops a slew of Grace of Monacos and Australias. It’s exhausting, so from now on I’m going to concentrate my energy on just making completely missable muck and adverts for pongy perfume.

Fans of Miss Kidman greeted the revelation with jubilation.

Jonty Beirs, President of the Nicole Kidman Fan Club, said:

It’s about time she stopped worrying about making those challenging films, the poor lamb. I don’t give a hoot for artist quality or any of that tripe. I just want to see Nicole enjoying herself and relaxing for once. She seems so tense all the time. You just want to see her lit rip, the little darling.

However, some have said that Nicole is set for a resurgence and if that is so the Studio Exec will be the first to happily eat his words with ranch sauce.

Nicole Kidman will next be seen in Paddington.

 

NICOLE KIDMAN TO PLAY REBEKAH BROOKS IN ‘ CARRY ON HACKING’

LONDON – Nicole Kidman is to play former News of the World Editor Rebekah Brooks in the latest instalment of the popular Carry On series.

Continue reading “NICOLE KIDMAN TO PLAY REBEKAH BROOKS IN ‘ CARRY ON HACKING’”

CANNES DIARY: DAY 1

CANNES – Ah, the Blue Coat, or Cote d’Azur as the locals insist on calling it. No sooner had I arrived at the airport – via Venice (don’t ask, I won’t tell) – than I was assailed by the sight and smell of film journalists. The sun was blazing and the sea was er… blue. Okay, that’s enough color. 

Nicole Kidman is in town playing Princess Grace of Monaco, which is a tiny principality about six centimeters to the right of here. At the press conference she was asked a lot of guff about whether or not she would choose ‘Love’ over her career. I wanted to yell listen buddy, when the career includes Invasion and The Stepford Wives… but I’ve found it better to not mention movies around Nicole. Just makes the conversation go a lot easier. Plus Grace Kelly didn’t choose love over her career. She chose a career as a Princess over a career as an actress. Different thing altogether. Assholes talk like she was sitting at home making Ranier (Tim Roth) sandwiches for his lunchbox and ironing the royal undies. 

For more of our Cannes coverage, CLICK HERE.   

BAZ LUHRMANN TO DIRECT WAR+PEACE

MELBOURNE – Baz Luhrmann has announced he is to direct a new cinematic version of the Russian classic Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, starring Hugh Jackman as Pierre Bezhukov and Nicole Kidman as Natasha Rostova.

The Strictly Ballroom director said:

I’ve done Shakespeare, definitively with Romeo + Juliet, adding that plus sign just to show I’m not afraid of the bald bastard. I’ve mastered F. Scott Fitzgerald with everyone bar none agreeing my Great Gatsby was a million times better than his ruddy novella. I’ve even done an entire bloody continent with Australia, where I was so bold I cast Nicole as a bloody Pom. So what’s left for me to do? Who can rise to the challenge of being worthy of the Luhrmann? Bazzer the boy? Eh? Eh? It was either Fifty Shades of Grey or Tolstoy and they wanted a Sheila to do the former so I got lumped with beardy.

What changes can we expect?

None. None whatsoever. I’ve decided to be entirely faithful to the book. I know this is a departure for me but on reading the book, or at least on reading the first few pages cause it’s bloody long and Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself, I thought to myself: this is fairly impressive. He’s no J.K: Rowling but he can write a bit this old Ruskie. So I reckon I’ll keep true to the ‘spirit’ of the book, very closely. 

Robin Williams will take the part of Napoleon and the music will be provided by a host of contemporary stars of the music scene, including Pharrel Williams, Ke$ha and Jay-Z.

Leo Tolstoy’s Hip + Hop will be released in 2015.

THE RAILWAY MAN: REVIEW






Colin Firth is made of wood

Colin Firth just ain’t no good

He likes railways

He wears glasses

Has a thing for bad moustaches


Nicole Kidman plays his lady

She gets sad when he goes crazy

But it’s hard to squeeze tear drops

When you have had so much botox


Her husband was in World World II

And for a change he’s not a Jew

The man was tortured, driven mental

By a wicked oriental.


He must go confront that Jap

So he can be a normal chap

And so he goes to face that guy

Who was in The Last Samurai


The editing is all at sea

There’s not a trace of chemistry

But if it was better directed

Oscars would have been expected


Sure it will pick up aBAFTA

Best screenplay and best screen actor

Because the British are so bias

And Colin went on a diet….

NICOLE KIDMAN AND NAOMI WATTS TO BOTH STAR IN PRINCESS DIANA OF MONACO

HOLLYWOOD – The New York Times billed it as ‘the prize fight of the princesses’ with Naomi Watts starring as the late Princess of Wales in Diana and Nicole Kidman taking on actress turned royal Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco.

But apparently the two actresses have put their differences aside and are planning a sequel to rival Batman Vs. Superman: Princess Diana of Monaco.

‘The idea is that these two people exist in the same “Royal Universe” where the same suspension of disbelief and fantastic rules apply,’ said Tom Hooper, the director. He continued, dribbling only slightly:

So the common folk slavishly adore these people who have gained what they have gained merely by marrying very rich men who have gained what they gained merely by fortuitously exiting the correct royal vagina. Of course, in the real world this wouldn’t make sense but here we’re dealing with the height of fictional fantasy. 

Naomi Watts commented that ‘There are many similarities in the stories of these women and I’m not just talking about them dying in car crashes.’ ‘They both died in car crashes,’ added Nicole Kidman. ‘That IS really important.’

Princess Diana of Monaco will be released some time in 2014.