DAVID LYNCH TO FILM WILD AT HEART TV SERIES FOR NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – David Lynch agrees to film TV series of Wild at Heart.

Following the success of Twin Peaks: the Return, David Lynch is once more looking to the small screen for a spin off of his 1990 hit Wild at Heart. The original movie starred Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern as lovers Sailor and Lula, on a mad road movie pursued by Lula’s crazed mother. Many discussions of a sequel have circulated, but now it looks like a TV show is the preferred option.

We spoke to Lynch yesterday:

So Wild at Heart?

Yeah, I like the idea. It’s neat. I really enjoyed working on Twin Peaks. The new one. I liked the way that we could really tell a long story. It felt much better than having to squeeze everything into a short period. You know, for a film.

How far along are you?

What with the script? We’re done with the first three episodes. I have story outlines for the whole season. We are also talking with actors to cast. It’s going to be very challenging to have actors come up with something that’ll compare with Laura and Nic and what they did. Though both of those guys will be coming back for small parts during the series. They won’t be in every episode or anything like that, but you know what I mean.

Why Netflix?

Well, I did the thing with the monkey, What Did jack Do? and that was a lot of fun and they showed that. We just started to have a conversation and those folks have a lot of money and I mean, a lot of money. So I always have these ideas and I said what if me and the monkey went on a road trip, like Wild at Heart. They misheard me and thought I said I wanted to do Wild at Heart. And they just began to throw money at me.

So wait you’re making the film about you and the monkey, not Sailor and Lula?

Yes, kinda. I mean we’ll put in some stuff for the fans but I’m more interesting in tooling around America with Jack, the smartest talking capuchin monkey that I know. We’ll have some music and if the weather is good, we’ll keep the top down.

What if the weather is bad?

We’ll probably still keep the top down.

Wild at Heart is imminent.

TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES IS RESURRECTED

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton revives Superman Lives. 

Warner Bros today announced Tim Burton’s Superman Lives, with Nic Cage to don the cape.

‘We’re so excited that we finally get to make this incredible movie,’ said Burton. ‘We’re going to reboot the whole DC Universe with this thing. It’s going to be so far out man. You’ll believe a man can fly and everything. The first Christopher Reeve Superman will remain as canon. Along with the first half of Superman II and the bits of Superman III with Richard Pryor in, but none of the bits with Lana Lang. She didn’t test very well with young males on Twitter aged 10-30. We’re also keeping Nuclear Man, he was so bitching and rad.’

Burton went on to explain the casting decisions.

‘Nic (Cage) still fits into that weird neon tube costume, which cost a boat load of money. So we thought he could still give Clark and Supes a bash. Helena Bonham-Carter will obviously star as Lois Lane, with James McAvoy playing Lex Luthor. He looks really good in a skull cap. Glenn Ford’s likeness is going to be CGI’d onto Kevin Costner’s body as we’re going to keep his Dad’s bridge scene from Man Of Steel, as that was pretty cool and Danny De Vito will play Jimmy Olsen.’

When asked if Johnny Depp would be playing Apokolips, Burton refused to comment. However, he did confirm he fully expects Cage’s Superman to face off against Robert Pattinson’s really dark Dark Knight in future sequels. ‘It’s new, fresh and exactly what every comic book movie fan wants to see right now,’ said Burton, ‘those two beloved characters going toe to toe for the first time ever. It’s going to be wild.’

Superman Lives is slated to be released by Warner Bros in December 2022.

NICOLAS CAGE AND TOM HANKS REVEAL THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON

HOLLYWOOD – Nicolas Cage revealed today that he is also Tom Hanks.

The news rocked the world of show business today that Tom Hanks and Nicolas Cage are in fact one and the same person. The star of Con Air and Philadelphia announced the news via Tumblr.

For many years I have lived a lie. A part of my life I dedicated to making top class entertainment, and with the rest of it I was Tom Hanks. Initially I intended Hanks to be a short term project, but as I found to my astonishment success in films like Big and Forest Gump, I decided to continue. At times the workload reached unbelievable and almost unbearable proportions. I appeared in over twenty films in one year and then I had to do the Tom Hanks ones as well. Add to this TV appearances and having to be a father and husband and you can imagine the strain.

I shall continue to be Tom Hanks in the future, but I have decided that I can no longer keep up the pretense that I am actually two people when I am one. Cage. I’d also point out that I used no make up or wigs, or any other subterfuge beyond answering to a different name. It frankly baffled me that no one noticed.

Nicolas Cage
Tom Hanks

Seasoned Cage watcher Valeria Ahem told the Studio Exec:

This was coming for years. Anyone who’s watched Cage knew there were gaps of several hours when a new film wasn’t coming out. What was he doing in those missing minutes? Theories abounded and now we know.

Nicolas Cage is appearing in Toy Story 4.

NICOLAS CAGE TO PLAY RONALD REAGAN

WASHINGTON – Nicolas Cage has confirmed he will be playing Ronald Reagan in Oliver Stone’s Reagan.

Jessica Biel is rumored to be on board for the role of the First Lady Nancy.

Cage stated that he looked forward to the challenges of the role:

Ronald Reagan is a giant figure in our recent political history and he represented both the good and the bad in our culture. Many still look upon him as a hero who won the Cold War and led America through difficult times. Oliver has a different take on it and it’ll be interesting to see what comes out.

Stone said that his version of Reagan would be that of a dangerous right wing demagogue whose early stage dementia proved a security risk throughout his second term.

I’ve been making films about Presidents now for years,’ the mono-browed maverick belched. ‘JFK, W and Nixon were all received as the definitive word on each incumbent. I’ll finish Reagan and next year I want to go straight into a back to back production of Carter and Clinton.

Asked what made him cast Cage, Stone laughed, ‘Well, of course Reagan himself was a lousy actor and so I thought why not get a lousy actor to play him. No but seriously that is the reason.’

Reagan will be released in 2016.

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT IS EDWARD SNOWDEN

HOLLYWOOD – First look at Joseph Gordon Levitt as Edward Snowden in Oliver Stone’s new film Snowden.

The film, which also stars Nicolas Cage, tells the story of the most famous whistle blower of recent years and subject of this year’s Oscar winning documentary Citizenfour. Shailene Woodley is also confirmed as Snowden’s girlfriend Lindsay Mills. Many who saw Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center believe that the film could be part of a CIA plot to discredit the former defense contractor, but there is always a chance that the Oliver Stone who made Salvador didn’t actually die in the 1980s.

Stone is currently filming in Munich, Germany. 

NICOLAS CAGE: ‘IS THIS THE REAL LIFE, OR JUST FANTASY?’

HOLLYWOOD Nicolas Cage revealed today he isn’t sure when he is taking part in a professional film production or having a genuine roller coaster adventure, with high octane action and high stakes.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Cage expressed his genuine concern at not knowing the distinction.

Hey Nic, so what is this? Some kind of well earned breakdown?

Are we rolling?

No Nic, we’re just chatting.

Are you sure? Well, I’ll pull a crazy face just in case…hnnnn (pulls classic meme face)
image

When did this first become a problem for you?

National Treasure 2, or as I was calling it; ‘Thursday’. You see, I was just going along with the intrigue, suspense and derivative action plot when I realized that, hey, this is like that other time I had a quest for some kind of American historical treasure thing, which at the time I thought was just a mildly interesting Monday. David Lynch called me one evening during that adventure and asked me whether I thought I was wasting my time on this movie…and it clicked! ‘I’m in a movie this time!’ David used to film me as I slept as a child and would whisper truths to me. This is how I knew it was the truth this time.

What about the film crew? Didn’t that alert you to the inherent artifice of the scenario?

How would it? Francis Ford Coppola, or as I call him Pappy Faffoppola, filmed my entire childhood and would narrate my meals and chores and such, so I thought these ‘crews’ we’re just my silent companions on one of my many jolly japes.

Nic, I think you should talk to someone, professionally.

Isn’t that what this is? You’re Lorraine Bracco aren’t you?

Ah, shit.

Nicholas Cage is currently starring in Outcast, which he tells me is definitely not a movie because Hayden Chistensen was with him when it all happened.

BRAIN FACE DELAYED

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel have confirmed that Edgar Wright’s Brain Face has been delayed following what is being called ‘conceptual stasis’ by an insider.

Fans of the comic book have long waited for a movie version of the cult graphic novel series, but it looks like they will have to wait some more. For those unfamiliar with Brain Face, Brain Face follows the adventures of research biology post-grad Ali Harwood who in a cycling accident finds his brain entirely shifted to the front of his face. Despite surgery, Dern is left for dead, but he escapes the mortuary to return to his home where he constructs a new identity for himself as Brain Face.

Comic expert Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY what exactly is appealing about the Brain Face books:

Most of the time a character who had suffered a trauma like Brain Face would then have superpowers to compensate for the terrible accident, but in the case of Brain Face, his brain has just slipped down in front of his face and that’s really it. He doesn’t have any new powers at all and in fact he can only speak in a very muffled voice, has difficulty breathing and is unbelievably difficult to look at while eating.

Nicolas Cage had been in talks about he role as is legally mandatory for any role in a Hollywood movie, but insiders believe that the studio really want a younger actor like Josh Hutcherson to play the role. Hutcherson told Studio Exec:

Brain Face is like THE comic book I read most when I was growing up. Man, I know that guy inside out. What interests me about the whole idea is how it’s really a metaphor for living in a world that doesn’t understand you and expects something more from you.

Brain Face first appeared in a one off story called ‘Get You with Frontal Lobes!’ that appeared in a 1987 anthology of New Directions. Brain Face then appeared in a series on its own and defied generic ordinariness with its dismal realism. ‘The editions wouldn’t have adventures as such,’ Poulis says.

He would just encounter a lot of hostility, find it difficult to hold down a job and spend a lot of time in his room, despairing of living a normal life. In that way it connected with a wider audience than was first thought probable.

But until a script has been finalized it looks unlikely that the film will be made anytime soon.

Brain Face has been postponed indefinitely.

WERNER HERZOG’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

In which our Austrian contributor Werner Herzog sees out the old year and rings in the new.

The waxy corpse of 2014 is already a clammy cold thing, its stillness the most ghastly attribute. The deceased was many things – confusing, aggravating and bloody with murder – but it was also thrillingly active and to see her lying there now, all laid out, surrounded by yesterday’s bottles of booze and little bowls full of Bombay mix and stale humus is more than I can bare. So I turn my gaze steadfastly to the future and regard with a steely Bavarian glare the prospect of 2015 and what delights and horrors might await, a promise that sounds like a threat.

But how am I to approach this year? How can I avoid repeating my mistakes, or if I am to repeat them, is there anyway Nicolas Cage might be persuaded once more to appear in it?

My first resolution is to watch less films. Aside from my own films, which I perforce must watch in order to edit and to make decisions on the soundtrack etc, I watch a total of three films a year. In 2015 this will be cut to one. I am very much looking forward to Star Wars: The Force Awakens and so I imagine that will be the film I see in 2015.

My second resolution is to try in someway, anyway I can, to destroy Ridley Scott. Although I’ve never seen his films, I can tell from the posters that he is more than a suitable nemesis for me, representing the polar opposite to my ethos and methodology. Exodus: Gods and Kings will probably be his undoing and it was I who advised him to do it. I told him at a restaurant in the South of France, ‘Do a Bible film, Ridley. It’s what the kids are “into”.’ He rejected my script for Leviticus, deciding in his infinite wisdom to say that the foundation of three world religions, the Old Testament book Exodus can only be rewritten by the man who brought us Tom Cruise as a Samurai.

My third and final resolution is to enter the cooking competition Masterchef. I do not wish to win, nor progress. I do want to be judged and judged harshly. Preferably by Gordon Ramsey. I will squirm beneath his tongue lashing.

All that remains is to wish you all the best of luck in this New Year. As Prince so presciently wrote, ‘we are going to party like it’s 1999!’

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

NICOLAS CAGE FILM KILLS WITHIN 5 YEARS

HOLLYWOOD – The World Health Organisation confirmed today that anyone who has watched the Nicolas Cage film Left Behind will be dead within five years.

Doctor Habbleaver of the Swedish Institute for Movie Death told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When Left Behind first appeared on our radar, except for a few esteemed virologists, no one took it seriously. There had been warnings about Nicolas Cage films in the past. The Wicker Man caused over seven thousand deaths and the second Ghost Rider almost double that but as they were mostly in the Third World no one really paid attention. The difference here is the morbidity of the experience.If you watch the trailer, your chances of suffering from a stroke in the next six months goes up by 80 percent. If you watch the whole film, you’ll be dead in five years.

How will you die?

Well, that’s the strange thing. You just disappear and your clothes are all that’s left. In a pile.

F*ck!

Yeah, that’s what we said in Sweden.

People who have seen the Nicolas Cage film are warned to put their affairs in order, quit their jobs and spend their savings. There is absolutely nothing you can do but similarly there is no point crying and gnashing your teeth. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t been warned.

Left Behind is available to buy on DVD, Blu-Ray and on instant streaming, or can be illegally downloaded.

NIC CAGE BRINGS CON AIR MUSICAL TO BROADWAY

NEW YORK – A musical version of Simon West’s hit action film Con Air is being readied for its Broadway debut, featuring a rare musical performance from the original star Nicolas Cage.

With music by Stewart Copeland (formerly of The Police) and a ‘Book’ by British lyricist Tim Rice, casting is complete and rehearsals have begun for what promises to be a ‘major smash of the new season’. In his first full on musical role since Wild at Heart, Cage will be treading the boards and singing such potential smash hits as ‘Put the Bunny Back in the Box’, ‘Oh Billy Bedlam (You’re a Font of Misplaced Rage)’ and ‘Don’t Land my Airplane in Las Vegas’ (to the tune of Sweet Home Alabama). Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec the eccentric Elvis impersonator:

I’m so looking forward to this opportunity. The film was a blast to do but with the musical dimension we’re able to take this in whole new directions. 

How hard was it to adapt the film?

Not hard at all actually. There’s basically one setting – the airplane – and everything else can be easily suggested. 

Who else will be appearing from the original film? 

I’d like to get Steve Buscemi, but he’s not picking up the phone. And we want John Malkovich to reprise his role as Cyrus Grissom. He has a solo song ‘The Next Wings You See (Will Belong to the Flies Buzzing Over your Rotting Corpse)’ which will bring down the house, but I’m not sure John can even sing. Still he has such charisma.  

Con Air: the Musical will preview in early October Upper State New York before its Broadway Premier.

ALL NICOLAS CAGE FILMS ARE FAKE NICOLAS CAGE FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the discovery that two ‘fake’ Nicolas Cage films had been sold at Cannes earlier this year, it has been revealed that in fact all Nicolas Cage films are fake Nicolas Cage films. 

Swiss film historian and cheese expert Xavier Poulis explained:

There was a real Nic Cage. Nephew to Francis Ford Coppola, a talented guy. He can be spotted briefly in Rumble Fish. But soon after filming wrapped on that film, when he was out alone in the boonies walking his small basset hound, he was abducted by aliens. Ever since that time, the ‘Nic Cage’ we know, the one we’ve seen has actually been an alien impostor.

Poulis argues that the fact is common knowledge in the film community.

You can see it from the eccentricity of his performances. This is obviously a being which grew from a pod in some probably methane rich other world. And he’s trying desperately to learn what it means to be human and how to behave. At first, his alien superiors were all for pulling him out and retreating, but baffling though it was, Cage actually became popular. And even though directors know that he has four sex organs where most men have one, they hire him to give a special frisson to their films. David Lynch is the only director who believes Nic Cage to be human. So there you go. 

Nicolas Cage will be returning to his home planet in 2015.

THE PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REVOLUTIONARY NICOLAS CAGE PARTY

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec received this manifesto from a group styling itself the Nicholas Cage Revolutionary Party. Here it is in full.

We of THE PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REVOLUTIONARY NICOLAS CAGE PARTY invite all those sick of the TYRANNY of quality and the OPPRESSIVE strictures of nuance, subtlety and believe-ability to unite under the banner of NICOLAS CAGE and fight for ham, OTT ludicrousness and incredibly dumb career choices. 

Already cells of PDRNCP activists are infiltrating television, radio, the internets and cinema to diffuse little known comic book adaptations; to take the most talented action directors from the East and make tiresome straight to video fare and to make a Da Vinci Code knock off which makes the original look like Tarkovsky.


You will know a fellow PDRNCP activist via the secret greeting: 

THE BEES!!!! THE BEES!!! NO NOT THAT, NOT THE BEES!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  • We will make Daniel Day-Lewis wish he’d never won an Oscar.  
  • We will worship ELVIS and marry any surviving relative he has going.
  • We will occasionally do something extraordinarily good just to make everyone scratch their heads about the general bullshit of the rest of it. 
  • We will hold the record for the most one word film titles: Stolen (2012) Trespass (2011) Justice (2011) Knowing (2009) Next (2007)Adaptation, Sonny, Windtalkers, Moonstruck, Birdy
JOIN US TODAY
 
THE BEES!!!! THE BEES!!! NO NOT THAT, NOT THE BEES!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!