NIC CAGE INVESTMENT SCHOOL OPENS ONLINE

Advertisement – The Studio Exec is proud to endorse the Nic Cage Investment School as it opens for business online. Do you want to live like a movie star? Do you want to live in a fantasy world of outrageous extravagance that may or may not all come crashing down around your ears at any given moment? Then the Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) is the fun fiduciary finishing school for you.

 

Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) – Kerching Baby!

For just one up-front fee of $500 and a further instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments) the NCIS will teach you the secrets of how to buy a fleet of sports cars you will never see in the flesh, let alone drive. Are you fed up with living in that spacious family home? THEN BUY A FUCKING ISLAND, LOSER. By investing in the Nic Cage Investment School, you will then be granted the golden key (not actual gold, with no monetary value whatsoever and is a choking hazard to those under the age of 10 and over the age of 65) to unlock the secrets to untold wealth and carefree living.

To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money 

With your one-off fee and instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments. And we are VERY litigious) Nic Cage will connect with you personally (personally means an online, non-responsive, animated figure of Nic, voiced by a third party) and teach you exactly how he made millions and millions of dollars. Then he will teach you how to disregard ‘advice’, ‘sincere warnings’ and ‘well-meaning interventions’ from management, family and trusted friends.

Quantity Is Quality

And The NCIS isn’t just about the good times. There is a very small chance (absolute certainty) the good times may catch you up. Your world may (will) come crashing down around you. But don’t fret, Nic will (wont) help you build your life and career back up again. He’ll teach you to take any shitty part that comes along, so long as it pays well.

The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now

WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS

HOLLYWOOD – Documentarian, director and sibilant Austrian septuagenarian Werner Herzog has opened his own wedding videos company, which offers the unique service of having the award-winning director of such films as Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre Wrath of God and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans capture the most important and beautiful day of any couple’s lives. 

The director of Into the Darkness commented:

I have made films about the most extreme situations on the planet on which we find ourselves alive today, Antarctica, death row, caves somewhere in France, I even made a film with Val bloody Kilmer, and now here I am, and nothing to do with a lot of digital cameras. So I thought why not make wedding videos and in doing so I believe I can truly document the destruction of the soul of Man.

Do you see this then as an extension of your attempt to delineate the outline of human possibility?

Yes. And you get free cake.

Werner with another happy customer (divorced)

Werner Herzog’s Wedding Video company is available for the cost of $2000 a day or $3000 for a weekend. Herzog films everything himself and provides an audio commentary in which he is amusingly and eccentrically rude about everybody except the person who gives him cake.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON

HOLLYWOOD – The amount of nonsense written about Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – star of such films as The Scorpion King, Journey 2 and Fast and Furious 6 – is frankly irritating.

So let the Studio Exec inject the steroids of truth into the flaccid muscle of weak falsehood that surrounds the abs of wonder.

  1. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson got his famous nickname – the Rock – because of his love of the  1996 Michael Bay action picture The Rock starring Sean Connery and with Nicholas Cage. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a massive devotee of the film, literally building his identity around it and has seen it twice.
     
  2. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson did not start out as a professional actor. No. He started his career translating epic Swedish poetry from the middle ages, including a translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik (Erikskronsikan) which was deemed revolutionary in Swedish medieval epic poetry translation circles. Coincidentally the Rock in Swedish is ‘berget’!
  3. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is famous in Hollywood for stealing sequels from Brendan Fraser. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has hated Brendan Fraser ever since Brendan Fraser in the Swedish Medieval Literature Review (1998) referred to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik as ‘merely adequate’. Johnson has stolen The Mummy franchise and the Journey franchise from Fraser, and appeared in Fast and Furious 6 under the mistaken impression that Vin Diesel was Brendan Fraser’s young brother.  
  4. Gibraltar is also occasionally known as The Rock, but Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Gibraltar are unrelated. 
  5. To prepare for his role in GI Joe: Retaliation, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson took to sleeping in a cardboard box with a perspex lid, a perfect mock up of the boxes that the toys which serve as the inspiration for this latest art house feature come in. Tilda Swinton has copied this idea for her recent activity at MOMA.

NICOLE KIDMAN / MEG RYAN FACE SWAP HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan have swapped faces due to a mix up in Botox injections at a high end Malibu aesthetical correctional facility, Doctor Ralph Inguanos’ Shack.

Soon after the kerfuffle, the two actresses were horrified to find themselves sitting opposite each other at a charity dinner, organised to buy George Clooney more motorcycles. The George Clooney ‘I haven’t got enough motorcycles’ Foundation had just sat down to anitpasti when there was a horrified shriek from the table where the two actresses were sitting.

Sir Ian McKellen – on a nearby table, a cracker half raised to his lips – sat transfixed in horror as he stared at the two women: ‘It was fucking bull shit man,’ recalls Sir Ian. ‘These two wonderful fresh faced women had just become a fucking John Travolta Nic Cage Sci Fi John Woo directed thriller travesty of their former selves. Face off, mothefucker!’

Anne Hathaway, who was also at the lunch, had to be taken to hospital suffering from excessive glee.

Ms. Kidman’s agent Hostel Macalvoy said that the two ladies had agreed to appear in each other’s movie until the effects could be reversed. ‘I already have calls for a Freaky Friday style rom com,’ said Hostel. ‘And let’s face it freakk is the new chic.’

When Harry Met Sally 2 is due for release in 2016.