BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 27. COLIN FARRELL

DUBLIN – No living actor can lay claim to so many duff movies as Colin Farrell, with the occasional glimmer of gold amongst the dross (In Bruges), but now redemption holds out a hand in the form of a role in the second season of True Detective.

I met Colin over a breakfast of poached Guinness, two slices of Guinness, two rashers of Guinness fried in cow’s Guinness, all washed down with a couple of large mugs of piping hot Guinness to talk to him about his ‘career’.

So Colin. Total Recall. What the f*ck?

Yeah. Sorry about that. You know, I think what it was was… 

And Alexander?

Now that was all Oliver Stone’s fault, the hairy eye-browed bastard told me…

And Phone Booth, and S.W.A.T., and The New World, and…

Now listen here I was good in Saving Mr. Banks.

You were awful in Saving Mr. Banks. And you were basically playing yourself.

In Bruges, Minority Report, Seven Psychopaths?

But that makes me even more angry. If you can be good, why be so bad so often? 

My heart isn’t in it, I suppose. Hasn’t been since Ballykissangel. Did you ever see Ballykissangel? It was the True Detective of gentle Irish dramedy.

Okay. True Detective

Ah, True Detective. The Ballykissangel of gritty philosophically inclined serial killer drama. 

Is it? 

I spoke with Nic Pizzolatto and he told me that he thinks I’m ready for my version of the McConaissance. Really? Yeah. We haven’t worked out what to call it yet, but I’m leaning towards the re-Farrell-birth.

True Detective: Season 2 broadcasts in 2015. For more Breakfast with Assholes Click Here.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TRUE DETECTIVE

LOUISIANA – All hail the Yellow King and the climax of the McConaughssance, but what are the FACTS behind the HBO hit anthology show True Detective? Only the Truer Detective of the Studio Exec can give you the lowest low down. And we promise it will be depressing.

1. First mooted in the late eighties, True Detective was initially envisioned as a Cheers spin off which the producers hoped would cash in on Woody Harrelson’s popularity as Woody. Entitled The Dopey Detective, the script was altered as the years went by, but according to director Cary Fukunaga ‘the ideas are essentially the same as is the mood of the piece’.

2.  The theme song is sung by Cyndi Lauper from her own composition. 

3. The references throughout the series to the Yellow King is a reference to show runner Nic Pizzolatto’s love of Lego. There was even a suggestion that the finale would be a Lego episode.

4. Despite playing an atheistic intellectual and troubled soul of keen intelligence, actor Matthew McConaughey is much different in real life, being in reality a dopey God Squader. Woody Harrelson plays an inebriated pussy hound. And… erm.

5.   Cary Fukunaga and Nic Pizzolatto are in talks to make a new show based on the Matthew McConaughey picture Sahara. ‘It will be the most depressing and humorless thing ever put on television,’ says Pizzolatto. ‘In keeping with the spirit of the film.’


For more 5 FACTS clickety click.

TRUE DETECTIVE FINALE WILL BE A LEGO EPISODE

HOLLYWOOD – The Season Finale of the HBO crime series True Detective will be a special Lego episode directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord. 

Nic Pizzolatto – the show-runner – said the move was a response to critics of the series who had found the story of Southern style crime and mystery overly morbid and heavy:

Phil and Chris rang and said they were fans of the show and could they get involved. We were prepping and Cary Fukunaga came into the office and he was literally weeping with laughter. It turned out he’d just been to see The Lego Movie so when he heard the suggestion he was over the moon.

Fukunaga added: ‘The story will be a satisfactory finale, but the boys have given it a zippy spin.’ Lord and Miller confessed that they often got high and phoned people at random from their agent’s phone book suggesting Lego episodes, but have been surprised how many shows are eager to comply. ‘We’ve got a Boardwalk Empire and a True Blood one coming up as well,’ wheezed a gasping Lord.

Woody Harrelson reacted to the news with a distracted but blissfully happy smile and Matthew McConaughey said, ‘A’right, a’right, a’right’ shortly before being punched in the throat. 

True Detective Lego Finale will be broadcast.