MOONFALL IS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Destroyer of worlds Roland Emmerich has confirmed his new apocalyptic movie, Moonfall is about climate change. The Independence Day director sat down with The Studio Exec to talk about his new blockbuster starring Halle Berry & Patrick Wilson and why Moonfall is really about climate change.

Roland, Can You Tell Us Anything About Your New Film?

Yeah, sure I can. It’s called Moonfall and it’s about the Moon falling out of orbit and on a direct course to hit the Earth. And not just a glancing blow. I mean, destroying the whole f**king world. And then Halle Berry teams up with oil rig worker, Bruce Willis and a bearded Leonardo Dicaprio to save us all. Maximillian Schell is on a beach and Nic Cage keeps having premonitions, or something.

I Think You May Be Mixing Up Your Apocalypses There

Am I? Does it matter when we’re all going to die in a few weeks’ time anyway? Look, the real point of it all is that the movie isn’t about the Moon or space missions. It’s all about climate change. It’s pretty obvious when you stop and think about it.

Can You Elaborate On That?

No problem. We’re all helpless to stop this thing happening, and it’s our own fault. We brought this on ourselves. Just like climate change.

Moonfall Is About Climate Change?

Umm, well not directly, I guess. Or possibly even at all. But the way I see it, if Adam McKay hadn’t played the old climate change card, nobody would even be talking about his f**king film, let alone watching it. So this is my first film all about climate change. It’s really exciting to deal with a new subject, a global concern if you like. We’re all scared about this, apart from those climate change denying assholes, but f**k them. I wanted to talk about this in the best way I know how, and that was by threatening to kill billions of people. It makes such a refreshing change to tackle this subject in one of my movies.

Didn’t You Already Do That With The Day After Tomorrow?

Wait. What? Oh. Shit.

 

Moonfall Is Released In February

NIC CAGE INVESTMENT SCHOOL OPENS ONLINE

Advertisement – The Studio Exec is proud to endorse the Nic Cage Investment School as it opens for business online. Do you want to live like a movie star? Do you want to live in a fantasy world of outrageous extravagance that may or may not all come crashing down around your ears at any given moment? Then the Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) is the fun fiduciary finishing school for you.

 

Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) – Kerching Baby!

For just one up-front fee of $500 and a further instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments) the NCIS will teach you the secrets of how to buy a fleet of sports cars you will never see in the flesh, let alone drive. Are you fed up with living in that spacious family home? THEN BUY A FUCKING ISLAND, LOSER. By investing in the Nic Cage Investment School, you will then be granted the golden key (not actual gold, with no monetary value whatsoever and is a choking hazard to those under the age of 10 and over the age of 65) to unlock the secrets to untold wealth and carefree living.

To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money 

With your one-off fee and instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments. And we are VERY litigious) Nic Cage will connect with you personally (personally means an online, non-responsive, animated figure of Nic, voiced by a third party) and teach you exactly how he made millions and millions of dollars. Then he will teach you how to disregard ‘advice’, ‘sincere warnings’ and ‘well-meaning interventions’ from management, family and trusted friends.

Quantity Is Quality

And The NCIS isn’t just about the good times. There is a very small chance (absolute certainty) the good times may catch you up. Your world may (will) come crashing down around you. But don’t fret, Nic will (wont) help you build your life and career back up again. He’ll teach you to take any shitty part that comes along, so long as it pays well.

The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now

NICOLAS CAGE TO PLAY RONALD REAGAN

WASHINGTON – Nicolas Cage has confirmed he will be playing Ronald Reagan in Oliver Stone’s Reagan.

Jessica Biel is rumored to be on board for the role of the First Lady Nancy.

Cage stated that he looked forward to the challenges of the role:

Ronald Reagan is a giant figure in our recent political history and he represented both the good and the bad in our culture. Many still look upon him as a hero who won the Cold War and led America through difficult times. Oliver has a different take on it and it’ll be interesting to see what comes out.

Stone said that his version of Reagan would be that of a dangerous right wing demagogue whose early stage dementia proved a security risk throughout his second term.

I’ve been making films about Presidents now for years,’ the mono-browed maverick belched. ‘JFK, W and Nixon were all received as the definitive word on each incumbent. I’ll finish Reagan and next year I want to go straight into a back to back production of Carter and Clinton.

Asked what made him cast Cage, Stone laughed, ‘Well, of course Reagan himself was a lousy actor and so I thought why not get a lousy actor to play him. No but seriously that is the reason.’

Reagan will be released in 2016.

NIC CAGE BRINGS CON AIR MUSICAL TO BROADWAY

NEW YORK – A musical version of Simon West’s hit action film Con Air is being readied for its Broadway debut, featuring a rare musical performance from the original star Nicolas Cage.

With music by Stewart Copeland (formerly of The Police) and a ‘Book’ by British lyricist Tim Rice, casting is complete and rehearsals have begun for what promises to be a ‘major smash of the new season’. In his first full on musical role since Wild at Heart, Cage will be treading the boards and singing such potential smash hits as ‘Put the Bunny Back in the Box’, ‘Oh Billy Bedlam (You’re a Font of Misplaced Rage)’ and ‘Don’t Land my Airplane in Las Vegas’ (to the tune of Sweet Home Alabama). Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec the eccentric Elvis impersonator:

I’m so looking forward to this opportunity. The film was a blast to do but with the musical dimension we’re able to take this in whole new directions. 

How hard was it to adapt the film?

Not hard at all actually. There’s basically one setting – the airplane – and everything else can be easily suggested. 

Who else will be appearing from the original film? 

I’d like to get Steve Buscemi, but he’s not picking up the phone. And we want John Malkovich to reprise his role as Cyrus Grissom. He has a solo song ‘The Next Wings You See (Will Belong to the Flies Buzzing Over your Rotting Corpse)’ which will bring down the house, but I’m not sure John can even sing. Still he has such charisma.  

Con Air: the Musical will preview in early October Upper State New York before its Broadway Premier.

THE ALTERNATIVE 2013 BAFTA NOMINATIONS












The ‘Shakespeare in Love’ Award for Worst Picture (Sponsored by Pedigree Chum)

Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Friends With Kids


The Paul W.S. Anderson Award for Worst Director (Sponsored by Marmite)

Ridley Scott – Prometheus
Jennifer Westfeldt – Friends With Kids
Fernando Meirelles – 360
Jonathan Liebesman – Wrath of The Titans
Playing for Keeps – Gabriele Muccino

The Jude Law Award for Worst Actor (Sponsored by Ronseal)

Liam Neeson – Taken 2
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance/Stolen
Vince Vaughn – The Watch
Eddie Murphy – A Thousand Words
Matthew Fox – Alex Cross

The Julia Roberts Award for Worst Actress ( Sponsored by Tena Lady)

Katherine Heigl – One for the Money
Kate Beckinsdale – Underworld: Awakening
Rachel Weisz – 360
Uma Thurman – Bel Ami
Rosamund Pike – Wrath of the Titans

The ‘Prometheus bitter disappoint of the year award’ (Sponsored by Weyland Industries)

Prometheus

The ‘Nicole Kidman award for dodgy plastic surgery’ (sponsored by Chupa Chups)

Jennifer Westfeldt

The ‘Probably dead next year so let’s give them an award’ Award ( Sponsored by Interflora)

Anthony Hopkins

The ‘Dennis Quaid Award for Outstanding contribution to mediocrity’.(Sponsored by Wallmart)

Clive Owen