THE TRUTH BEHIND THE JLS SPLIT

TheStudio Exec has been informed by an anonymous source who wishes to remain anonymous that the members of everyone’s 11thfavorite boy band JLS have decided to split after one of the group was caught in a compromising situation in his dressing room with a giraffe.

The anonymous source who wishes to remain anonymous said:

We don’t know how he smuggled the giraffe in. We knew he loved the animal. He had giraffe posters on his wall, giraffe t-shirts and a giraffe duvet but when the boys entered his dressing room after the show and saw him on the step ladders doing what he was doing to that poor animal, it was obvious the band could no longer continue.

The giraffe in question was said to be a little shaken by the experience but is rumored to have signed a million dollar deal with the New York Times to tell his side of the story. ‘My client has suffered. He is still suffering,’ said the giraffe’s agent Rick Romanov

The money he’ll receive will not give him back his innocence, but it will buy a hell of a lot of twigs and leaves.

Romanov was asked by a reporter if the rumors were true that Bret Easton Ellis had been hired to write a screenplay about the incident after the author tweeted ‘Working on the JLS/Giraffe script and trying not to masturbate over my own filthy prose’. 

‘I can confirm that we have filed a restraining order against Mr Easton Ellis who was pestering us night and day,’ said Romanov. He continued: 

There is currently a screenplay in the works and it will be written by Damon Lindelof. The Giraffe is a big fan of Prometheus and believes that Mr Lindelof is the only man who can do this story justice.

UK POLICE ARREST THE 1970S

LONDON – The London ‘Metropolitan’ Police have taken the decade between December 31st, 1969 and December 31st, 1979 into custody on suspicion of a wide range of charges relating to sexual abuse, assault, underage sex and many cases of rape.

The arrest was made as part of an ongoing investigation called Operation Yew Tree, which began after revelations that children’s presenter and DJ Jimmy Saville had been accused of a series of crimes. A spokesman for the police said today:

The number of complaints that we were receiving, it had become apparent that would be easier to arrest the entirety of the 1970s and then from there try to snip off the bits that aren’t guilty of gross indecency.

The Policemen who arrested the 70s

The move was welcomed by victims groups who said that the move represented a move away from a police force that had a lot of sympathy for the 1970s and was moving into the new millennium. However, some legal experts are arguing that the arrest of an entire decade is a panic move which won’t hold up in court.
‘What has to be remembered is that the 1970s gave us a lot of good things,’ said Martin Hammersbag QC. ‘I can’t bring anything to mind now, but I’m sure if I googled it for a moment I’d come up with something.’

EXCLUSIVE: THE AVENGERS JOIN SYRIAN REBELS


The Studio Exec has received these exclusive photographs which prove previously unconfirmed reports that The Avengers have joined forces with Syrian rebels in order to free the country from the evil clutches of Dr Bashar al-Assad.

We contacted the director of S.H.I.E.L.D Nick Fury to ask him if this was an official operation and he had this to say:

“Shut the f*ck up fat man. It ain’t none of your God damn business.”

We’ll take that as a no. Though if the below pictures are anything to go by, the earth’s mightiest heroes are certainly taking the fight to the villainous al-Assad.

We’ll bring you more information, when we get it.