HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.
Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.
In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.
The Crushing Of HBO MAX
The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.
Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore
Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.
Hasta La Vista, Disney
Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.
HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.
BREAKING NEWS – In a heart-felt plea to the New Zealand writer, director, actor and all-round quirky guy, Ryan Reynolds tells Taika Waititi to ‘tone it down a bit’. We spoke to meta-hilarious 4th wall breaking Reynolds why he wants Taika to calm it down.
So Ryan Reynolds, Why Have Told Taika Waititi To Tone It Down?
First things first, I just wanna say how much I love Taika [looks over his should and winks at a non-existent camera]. But before he suffers the same fate as me, I just think he should calm down the whole kooky, quirk thing. You know what I mean?
Who Were You Winking At?
Um, nobody. No-one at all.
Don’t Give Me That Bullshit, You Were Meta-Winking.
Ok, ok, alright. I was, I admit it. But this is exactly what I don’t want to happen to my buddy, Taika. I can’t stop it anymore. When I started breaking 4th walls and being meta, it was fun and fresh. But it’s grown old very quickly. Now look at me. Yeah sure, I make at least $20million a picture, but they’re all on fucking Netflix. Who gives a shit about that!
What’s Your Message To Taika?
Your early movies, Eagle Vs Shark, What We Do In The Shadows and even Hunt For The Wilderpeople, they had kook and quirk, yeah sure. But they also had real heart at the center of them. Get back to that heart, that humanity, man. Don’t end up like me. I accidentally saw the opening credits of Magnum P.I and all it took was his little wink and eyebrow thingy to camera, and I was hooked. This shit is worse than fucking crack, man. I just can’t quit [does a funny look over my shoulder].
You Just Did It Again, Didn’t You?
I’m beyond saving. It’s hopeless. It’s just gonna be never-ending sequels to Red Notice and The Hitman’s fucking whatever from here on in.
Thor: Love And Thunder Is Currently In Theatres
BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.
Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One
With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.
Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.
A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!
We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’
A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’
More On This Story As It Breaks
TEXAS – Ted Cruz now likes Cuties.
Ted Cruz performed a surprising u-turn in his opposition to the Netflix film Cuties. The Senator for Texas originally described the French movie in the harshest of terms and accused Netflix of promoting child pornography. Last night though, he accidentally watched the film.
Well, the first thing I have to say is that I didn’t mean to watch it. I was messing around with the remote trying to find The Red Shoe Diaries when I must have slipped and this film came on. I started watching it and I couldn’t stop. It was so moving. All I can say is that Senegalese-French director Maïmouna Doucouré has created an evocative, compassionate portrait of young girls finding their identity and values. Of course, the sexualized way that they dance is not appropriate. But the film is fully aware of this. It’s part of the point. How does a young girl who feels out of place in France, pulled between her African heritage and her school life, realize her identity. She makes mistakes. Of course she does. But the triumph of the film is the sympathy with which it treats its subject. I felt almost like I was a little girl by the end of it.
So no criticisms?
I do have one but it’s more to do with the marketing of the film. In French it’s known as Mignonnes, which makes much more sense than Cuties. And yeah, that poster was terrible.
The Senator will be watching Zodiac next week to see how similar the film is to his memories of his father.
Cuties is available to stream on Netflix.
HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher is set to film Finch.
David Fincher will film Finch next. The master, multi-take movie maker will film the autobiographical piece next.
The Hollywood auteur stated in a press release, “I am keen to announce my next project, after the 100% approval rate from both movie fans and critics alike around the whole world for Mank. In partnership with Netflix, I will make my oeuvre, my opus, my story… Finch.
Please keep your applause and adulation to a minimum, I know it’s difficult. I am glad to say I will be played by various actors throughout the different stages of my life. Macaulay Culkin will play me as the bright eyed innocent 6 year old boy frolicking in the snow with his beloved sled. James Woods will play the CEO of Netflix, Lord Moneybags, who steals me away from loving family home.
Timothee Chamamamamalamet will play me as I traverse the halls of academia mastering the visual arts and ruling the world of pop videos. Sigourney Weaver will play me as I make Alien 3, widely known to be the best of all the Alien films, certainly better than any crap Rigley Spott could hack out.
Then onto my Brad Pitt era, where I will be played by Kevin Spacey, he’s such a fun, loveable guy. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Then Ben Affleck will play me during the filming of Gone Girl, because, wow we all remember THAT shower scene.
Finally, in the autumn of my career, I will be played by Andy Serkis in a mocap suit where at the age of 75, I begin to grow young again. I’m just gonna keep getting young, then old, young then old, young then old. We’ll make it a 20 part, multi-season, never ending story that just goes on and on and on, until those bastards at Netflix run out of money.
Then I’ll make Needham: The Hal Needham Story. All about the making of Smokey and The Bandit.”
Finch starts shooting in the Spring of 2021.
HOLLYWOOD – Hit Netflix show The Queen’s Gambit will feature Ker-Plunk in its second season.
Netflix announced today that Season 2 of The Queen’s Gambit will ditch chess in favor of Ker-plunk. Director Scott Frank spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec over a couple of Old Fashions and a chequers board. He sounded excited:
The big mistake when it comes to doing a season two of any show is that you end up repeating the first season. Everyone knows what to expect. They’re familiar with the characters and material and there’s no edge left. No danger. So for our second season we had really long discussions about what could stay and what should go.
The first thing was obviously the period. We were going to move with Beth Harmon, played by Anya Taylor-Joy, into the 70s and 80s. This means we get rid of the old music and in with the new. Expect a lot of Led Zeppelin and disco dancing. The second thing was to change games. The show won’t be about chess.
What? You’re going to make a show about a chess prodigy who doesn’t play chess any longer? That’s fucking nuts, Scott. Are you stupid?
No listen SE. It ain’t stupid at all. The arc of the last series took Beth to the heights of the chess world. Where else do we go? But what if she became interested in another game? A game that involved a different skill set, and totally different challenges. Remember how in Rocky III Rocky has to fight Hulk Hogan? Like wrestling instead of boxing. Like that.
What’s the game?
So the game is Ker-Plunk.
It’s brilliant. Visually exciting, tense, emotionally draining.
I can’t even…
Man don’t be so negative.
But it just sounds like it’s going to suck a dog’s cock.
For fuck’s sake SE, keep a civil tongue in your head.
And you’re still going to have Anya Taylor-Joy in it?
Yeah. She’s at Ker-Plunk training camp right now, visualizing it all on the ceiling.
The Queen’s Gambit: Ker-Plunk will drop in 2022.
NETFLIX – Streaming super gods, Netflix announce they are to develop several prequel series.
Netflix, who are now the majority shareholders of the internet, released a statement earlier today where they announce they are to develop several prequels to some popular fan favourite franchises:
“We are delighted to finally reveal our upcoming stable of new Netflix series we are proud to call ‘The Ultra Prequels’. This means we are developing content that dives deep into the pasts of all your bae movie and TV characters. We mean like, waaay into their pasts.
First, we are just super charged to announce ‘Victor Frankenstein: The Formative Years’. It will follow the early education of the famous re-animator. ‘VF: TFY’ will follow his progress as he studies early Mathematics, English and of course Science at school and then University. Think Smallville, but Victor doesn’t have any super powers, or super villain friends. Or any friends at all, come to think of it. It’s just going to be 45 minutes each week of him, reading and making notes in a library. Then going home, reading and making notes there. Each season finale will be him sitting his exams, in total silence. We know he passes, because he becomes a Doctor. Mind blowing, eh?!
Next up, ‘X-Men: The Pre-Mutation Years’. Our story will follow a group of people who are born with no genetic mutations whatsoever. They have no super powers, but go on to accomplish practically nothing. They will all live completely unremarkable lives and never meet up. Their paths will never cross. Their stories will not intertwine in a surprising and ultimately satisfying way. One of them will be a supply teacher, another will be a librarian and another will get married at a young age and live quite a nice life, really. Think Mike Leigh without the labyrinthine plots and gratuitous glamour.
Finally, Netflix are proud to announce ‘The Lost Ark: Before The Raiders’. We place several cameras into the Well Of Souls. So, you will be able to watch exactly what doesn’t happen just after the Ark is buried by a giant sand storm, wiped clean by the wrath of god. It will just show rolling coverage, which will be Big Brother-style focussing on the Ark in the dark. ‘Day 742, still nothing. Oh, look, there’s another snake.’ Just imagine how good that will be. Spielberg nearly shit his pants when we pitched it to Amblin Entertainment. He couldn’t stop laughing, all the way to the bank.”
Netflix are currently in pre(quel)-production on all three series.
HOLLYWOOD – See the first poster and synopsis for Netflix’s Bird Box 2.
Bird Box was the most watched Netflix film according to their own figures and Bird Box 2 was immediately rushed into production. Gravity star Sandra Bullock will once more star in the tale of aliens taking over the Earth. She spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the story:
The end of Bird Box was open. We knew that we had more story to tell, but we didn’t know how popular the first one would be. Soon as Netflix said do you want to do another one? we already had the script ready to go.
The New Story
Just as in the first one we have aliens who have invaded the Earth. In A Quiet Place it was to do with the aliens’ sense of hearing. In our film it was to do with what you saw, so it was about sight. Now we want to extend it. So what happens is the next breed of aliens land and this time they smell really bad. So only people who have no sense of smell survive or those who fortuitously put clothes pegs on their noses.
The new film will be directed by Susanne Bier from a screenplay written by Eric Heisserer and Josh Malerman.
Bird Box 2 will drop soon.
EXCLUSIVE – Netflix announced that they are suing Prince Andrew following Epstein interview.
Streaming giants Netflix are to sue Prince Andrew in response to his participation in a BBC Newsnight interview. During the interview, he denied all knowledge of wrongdoing and said he couldn’t sweat because his ‘royal blood didn’t allow it’. He also affirmed that because of a rare medical condition contract from a sheep in the Falklands, it became medically impossible for him to give or receive hugs. Netflix this morning announced their decision to bring legal action against the Prince. A statement read:
We have worked very hard to bring about the third season of The Crown. Poor Olivia Coleman has worked her butt off to match Claire Foy’s performance. And then the night before the show drops, Prince Andrew goes on the television and makes a complete ass of himself. It’s totally ruined the show. The royal family should be happy with the way we’re portraying them. But it doesn’t help if they hang around with kiddy fiddlers.
A spokesperson close to Buckingham Palace told the Studio Exec anonymously that after the interview aired ‘we had to peel the Queen off the ceiling’. She said:
As far as we’re concerned, this whole thing turned into a disaster. All that tosh about honourable and becoming and unbecoming. And then to make it worse, his alibi is going to Pizza Express. Who goes to Pizza Express for the love of all things holy?
Helen Mirren was unavailable for comment.
The Crown is available on Netflix.
HOLLYWOOD – Gone Girl director David Fincher is one of the few American film makers who seems able to work in the mainstream, make some fairly dreadful movies (Panic Room, Benjamin Button), some fairly good ones (Fight Club, Se7en), and still inspire respect in the critical community.
Our FACT squad descended on the Fight Club director likes a pack of starving rats and stripped his bones clean of all fact tissue, quite literally.
1. Despite including a specific rule in the film, everyone talks about Fight Club, which infuriates David Fincher, who is a stickler for rules.
2. David Fincher got his first job in the cinema as a special effect supervisor on Return of the Jedi. Anyone watching the film closely can spot his cameo as the Rancor Keeper, Malakili. His acting skills attracted so much attention that Lucas suggested he pursue acting as a possible career. Fincher lost weight especially but in the end no one wanted him, because Lucas was wrong and Fincher was actually a crap actor.
3. When making Se7en, Fincher tried to murder someone in order ‘to get the feel’. However, he hurt his hand and was quickly overpowered.
4. Although nominated for an Oscar for The Social Network, David Fincher prefers MySpace.
5. The Game that Michael Douglas plays in The Game is actually based on a version of Cluedo, but with all the rules changed to avoid copyright issues.
HOLLYWOOD – Japanese Netflix star Marie Kondo has been arrested and charged with sixteen counts murder.
The star of Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo has been arrested and charged with multiple murders. The arrest took place early this morning when officers were called to her San Francisco townhouse after neighbors complained of a strange musty smell coming from Ms. Kondo’s residence. The scene that awaited officers was variously described as horrifying, terrifying and neat.
One law enforcement source told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
When we first went in, everything seemed normal though there was this smell of moth balls everywhere. But once we began to look in the cupboards and drawers we realized we had come across something truly macabre.
Can you describe it?
In the drawers there were rows of severed hands and there were feet at the bottom of the wardrobes. Bodies had been folded so that they occupied the least space. In the end we found the remains of what we believe to be sixteen separate individuals.
And what was Marie doing while you were searching?
She was just as delightful as ever. And she really cooperated with the investigation. She pointed out that there were bodies in the attic and the garage as well. Though she did rather disturbingly tell us that she ahd disposed of many other bodies which she felt weren’t necessary to her life.
Is there any clue as to her motivation?
Yes. She said that the people did not ‘spark joy’ and therefore she drilled holes in their heads and poured in prussic acid.
American Crime Story 3: Marie Kondo will drop in 2020.
HOLLYWOOD – The real reason for the Steven Spielberg Netflix feud has come to light.
Last week Steven Spielberg lost his Netflix password. A close friend of the Talking Mountain, as he prefers to be known, told the Studio Exec:
He was wanting to watch the Marie Kendo thing about tidying up that everyone was going crazy for so he thought that he’d watch some Netflix. But when he tried to get into his account he realized it had locked and he couldn’t remember his password. Initially he tried LucasLickB@llz because that’s his email password but it didn’t seem to work. So than he decided that Netflix were never going to win an Oscar.
Wow. That’s how it worked?
Yep that’s how it went down.
Steven Spielberg’s new film – Atlantic Chocolate – will be released in 2020 on Amazon Prime.
HOLLYWOOD – The state of California has been inspired by Marie Kondo’s tidying philosophy to include ‘not sparking joy’ as a legitimate grounds for divorce.
Marie Kondo’s Netflix show – Tidying Up with Marie Kondo – has inspired a change in California divorce law. From now on, if your partner does not make you feel ‘sparking with joy’, then you have sufficient grounds to seek a divorce.
Divorce lawyer Albert Shebang told the Studio Exec:
In some ways this is just codifying something that already exists. Throughout history divorce has become something easier to obtain without necessarily having to prove wrong-doing, adultery or cruelty. Now it will be simple enough to start proceedings and in the meantime you can practice folding t-shirts and the like into those wonderful little roles. Also as part of Marie Kondo’s influence, we’ll be asking divorcees to thank each other before legally separating. This is actually proving more controversial.
A sudden spike in the divorce rate is anticipated as surveys show that about 83% of couples asked stated categorically that their spouses did not spark joy.
Divorcing with Marie Kondo drops on Netflix in the Spring.
HOLLYWOOD – Netflix revive 80s TV classic Tales of the Golden Monkey.
Cutter’s Goose flies again as classic TV show Tales of the Golden Monkey looks set to get the Netflix treatment. The Raiders of the Lost Ark inspired show featured Stephen Collins as Jake Cutter, an ace pilot who operates an air cargo delivery service based on the fictional South Seas island Bora Gora. He flies a red and white Grumman Goose called Cutter’s Goose. The new show will star Clive Owen as Jake and Jack Black as his best friend and mechanic Corky, ‘a good-hearted alcoholic with a memory hazy from heavy drinking’. His one-eyed dog Jack barks at appropriately comic moments.
Amy Adams is already on board to play US spy and heart throb Sarah Stickney White with Jeremy Irons playing Reverend Willie Tenboom, a phony man of the cloth who is actually a native spy. We spoke to Adam McKay, the showrunner of the series.
I’ve always loved the show since I was a kid growing up the 1980s. It was a great concept and had a lot of comedic and dramatic potential. It only ran for one season and it has to be one of the biggest disappointments of my life when it was cancelled. But the good news is that we have this framework all ready to go and a wealth of stories and directions to go in. I mean there are lots of things to love about it. There’s the adventure. And there’s the romance. Obviously the alcoholic pal is hilarious and did we mention Jack the dog has an eye patch? Add to that there’s the word ‘monkey’ in the title. How could this go wrong?
The new show is only the first in a series of Netflix shows that are remaking ever more obscure TV from the 80s. Benedict Cumberbatch is already in preproduction for his Blake’s 7 series starring Tom Hardy. Though initially planned as a movie, ten episodes will now be made.
Tales of the Golden Monkey drops in 2019.