EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE SPIDER-MAN RETIREMENT HOME

HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT TO STAR IN FRAGGLE ROCK

HOLLYWOOD – Star and director Joseph Gordon-Levitt confirmed yesterday that he would be starring in and producing a live action movie version of Jim Henson’s celebrated TV Show Fraggle Rock.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, the Don Jon director spoke about his role in the new Fraggle Rock movie:

I’ve always loved Jim Henson’s creations. From Sesame Street to the Muppets, to Fraggle Rock. I even liked Dark Crystal.

F*ck off!

Okay, may be not Dark Crystal. I had heard about the opportunity to be a part of the Fraggle Rock movie, I jumped at the chance.

Who will you play?

We had a long discussion about this. I was thinking that I ought to play a live action character and the last thing I wanted to do was Neil Patrick Harris it the way he had with The Smurf movies. The only option then would have been to play Doc, but when I was growing up, I never pretended to be Doc, I always wanted to be a Fraggle or a Doozer or even a Gorg, so when we had our first meeting I put it out there that I didn’t really care about money or anything like that but I absolutely had to be a Fraggle and they simply said okay. It was as easy as that. They already had concept art of what I might look like as Gobo Fraggle.

Gobo?

I know it was like a dream come true. Gobo is the explorer, the one who wants to go to Outer Space which is what the Fraggles call our world. His Uncle Travelling Matt is already out there, inspiring him. I hadn’t consider that it would be possible the Henson people said that I actually look quite Fraggley already so all I need is some purple clothes and a wig.

No CGI?

Absolutely not. We’re going old school. Just me in costume and with some guys hand up my ass.

Fraggle Rock will be released in 2016.

COUNTDOWN TO 2016 OSCARS BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The 2015 Academy Awards are over, but now the race is on for the 2016 Oscars and the Studio Exec has its FACT squad standing by.

1. Michael Keaton will receive a nomination for Batman 4. Admittedly, there have been other Batmans and we’re not sure how the numbers add up, but the title will be an obvious homage to the Birdman 4 film that Riggan refused to countenance in Birdman.

2. In an ill-advised attempt to win over Twitter, John Travolta will host the Oscars, ensuring a Lovecraftian vibe with fellow Thetans as guest hosts and everyone else soon becoming ‘hosts’ of another kind when the psychotropic light show renders them all brain slaves ready to enter the Hubbard ship.

3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and The Hateful Eight will be vying for the top spot as well as Leonardo di Caprio in The Revenant and Ron Howard’s In the something of the Sea. As the Academy has proven itself hopelessly poor at the nominating process, cage fights will take the place of ballots and nominees will be eliminated in a series of televised rounds.

4. In an ill-advised attempt to show that basically us show business types are color blind everyone will attend the ceremony in black face. For black guests this will be of course optional. Ridley Scott will be in charge with a spray gun for the forgetful.

5. The women will wear clothes and the men will in a break with tradition  also wear clothes. They will be of different colors and materials, and styles and there will be names attached to them. Anyone who cares about this will later be rounded up, come the revolution.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THE 2015 OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – So the Dolby Theater has been hosed down and returned to its daytime occupation as headquarters to the International Illuminati, but what did we learn from the 2015 Oscars?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad into the after parties and green room to see what we could see.

1. Filling in for the Beastmaster, Neil Patrick Harris is truly a talented entertainer. A funny comedian – although some of his joke writers need firing – , a wonderful song and dance man and a disturbingly good magician. How else but by magic could he have managed to make me laugh at Jack Black?

2. Patricia Arquette is one cool lady. Not only is her body of work impressive, but her acceptance speech spoke of something real. Along with Reese Witherspoon and her #AskHerMore stance, it’s good to see the sisters doing it for themselves. And while we’re at it good on Melanie Griffith for not mouthing platitudes about her daughter Dakota Johnson’s success in Fifty Shades of Grey. Surely tone deaf red carpet reporters can understand she might not to watch her daughter’s BDSM scenes? Perhaps not.

3. Terrence Howard might find himself replaced by Don Cheadle next year.

4. Following Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne’s Oscar victories Hollywood bookshops are going to have to stock up on diagnostic manuals as stars starting looking for the next big disease.

5. Boyhood and Birdman both deserved recognition, as did Selma, Snowpiercer, Get On Up , The f*cking LEGO Movie and a whole bunch of others. We’ve become a list crazed culture and so the Oscars have become if anything more important. Sure it’s meaningless; sure it shouldn’t matter. But meaninglessness is hardly a disqualifying factor in our twitterverse culture. Long may it reign.

For more Oscars CLICK HERE.

OSCARS: BEASTMASTER CANCELS

HOLLYWOOD – The Beastmaster has cancelled as host of the Oscars, leading to his replacement by original choice Neil Patrick Harris.

The Beastmaster had shocked everyone by agreeing to take part in the ceremony, despite having shunned the Academy Awards for years after the biopic based on his life failed to gain any nominations. Excitement had grown to mythical proportions as it was reported that Kanye West had also  agreed to appear as a co-host.

However, sources inside the Beastmaster camp reported tensions earlier in the week when it was revealed that Hawk the Slayer was no longer representing Beastmaster. There were also threats from animal rights organisations who claimed that Beastmaster’s dominance of the animal kingdom was only made possible ‘through the use of powerful psychotropic drugs and training sessions that involve what is tantamount to torture’.

Beastmaster issued a statement to the press this morning:

Due to personal issues regarding my relationship with Kiri I have decided to pull out of the Oscars. It is a real shame and I was looking forward to hearing all of Kanye’s objections to the Oscars. And Kodo and Podo really wanted to do a selfie like Ellen did, but ultimately we have to return to the realm and meet up again with the birdmen and sort out everything.

Neil Patrick Harris said that he’ll be delighted to resume his duties but was sorry that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Beastmaster’s unique approach to his duties:

He was going to have the prizes delivered by giraffes and sharks. I guess I’ll do my best, but I’m not surprised everyone is disappointed. So am I.

The Oscars are on later this evening. 

KANYE WEST TO CO-HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.

Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster  earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:

We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.

So you’re going to do what?

We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.

Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.

Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.

I can’t wait for the Oscars.

Neither can I.

 The Oscars are Sunday-ish.

BEASTMASTER TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – In a surprise move it was revealed today that the Oscars will no longer be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, who has moved aside to be replaced by Beastmaster.

The How I Met Your Mother star spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the shift:

Of course I was really excited about the gig. I had worked on material and we were going to do song and dance numbers as well. But late Friday night the call came in that Beastmaster was going to be available after all. And the minute I heard that I acquiesced. This is a historic moment in Oscar history.

Beastmaster had been approached in the early 1980s to host the Oscars but had consistently refused claiming that the awards ceremony was an infantile way of judging a medium which ‘should aspire to artistic relevance and genuine profundity, not these feeble trinkets’. Despite this the Academy continued to woo Beastmaster for three decades claiming that ‘What with the animal demographic alone, he could make the show a spectacular success.’

Beastmaster was born in a realm of fantasy and despite living the humble life of a hero and demi-God, he gained fame in 1982 when he was the subject of the film Beastmaster starring Marc Singer. Two sequels and a TV series followed, but lately Beastmaster’s powers have been on the wane. Uma Thurman, a longstanding critic of Beastmaster told Studio Exec:

I met Beastmaster when we were making Kill Bill Volume 2. He was great buddies with David Carradine and he came on location. It was sad really. This guy had commanded lions and mountain wolves, eagles and bison. Now he had this little otter on a string that he’d jerk and pretend was coming to his summons. It was pathetic.

What do you think of him presenting the Oscars?

Oh that’ll be great. He’ll bring his A game, I’m sure.

The Oscars will be broadcast on Sunday.