CHARLIE SHEEN TIGER KING AUDITION – ‘ERRATIC’

With the Joe Exotic dramatization soon to stream on NBC’s service Peacock, details have leaked about others who auditioned for the lead role. An insider at NBC has confirmed the Charlie Sheen Tiger King audition was ‘erratic’ at best. We spoke to a NBC insider about the now infamous Charlie Sheen Tiger King audition.

What Can You Tell Us About The Charlie Sheen Tiger King Audition?

It was the damnedest thing I’d ever seen. He came staggering in through the doors talking real loud on the phone to his agent. He was yelling about his residuals for The Wraith Part 3, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist. And he kept changing the name of who he was speaking to and what language he was speaking in. It was fucking bizarre.

Perhaps He Was Trying To Make An Impression?

He sure did that. He carried on with the ‘call’ for about five minutes. But then with no warning, he threw what turned out to be a plastic phone right at my head. Luckily it missed and smashed against the wall behind me. He laughed, took a bow and said, “Aaaaaand scene! How about that for acting? I don’t even have an agent, she fired me months ago.”

That Sounds Pretty Weird

That aint the half of it. He was dressed in a scruffy purple suit with a green waistcoat. His hair was also dyed green and he had smudged white face paint and smeared lipstick on his mouth. I said to him, “Charlie, I think you may be a bit confused. We’re auditioning for Joe King, not The Jo-ker.” And he stared back at me like I was an idiot. “What the fuck are you talking about? I know this is for the part of Joe King. This is what I always wear to auditions, ever since The Wraith back in the 80s. It’s my lucky suit.” I then said to him, “But what about the makeup?”

And…?

Do you know what that crazy motherfucker did then? He walked over to the window, looked at his reflection and studied his face, real close. About a minute later he said in all sincerity, “What makeup?” He then made ringing noises and mimed taking a phone out of his pocket. He apologized and said he had to take this and walked out of the room. We never saw him again.

Jesus.

You said it man. I keep my doors double bolted at night now. Crazy fucker scared the shit out of me.

JOE EXOTIC STREAMS ON NBC’S PEACOCK CHANNEL SOON

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ALEX JONES

HOLLYWOOD – Megyn Kelly’s new boyfriend is in the news but what do we really know about Alex Jones.

We sent the Studio Exec ALTERNATE FACT Squad to find out about who Alex Jones really is.

1. Alex Jones is a conspiracy and a false flag. The CIA or the NSA invented him to make everyone despair of the future of the human race. Thomas Pynchon once wrote: ‘Get them asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter if they find the answers.’ Jones is the patron saint of the wrong questions.

2. Alex Jones started his career as a choir boy and had a hit singing the theme song ‘I’m Walking in the Air’ t the Raymond Briggs animated feature The Snowman.

3. During his divorce, Alex Jones confessed to being a kind of performance artist. He also worked as a trapeze artist, a tightrope walker, a sword-swallower and human shaped receptacle for bile and filth.

4. Jabba the Hutt and Alex Jones have never been seen in the same room at the same time.

5. Among the many controversies Jones has embroiled himself in with all the sensitivity of a knuckle and the intellect of a clam, the most famous was the claim that the Sandy Hook school shooting was faked. His claim led to the harassment of some of the parents of the dead children by online trolls, convinced that they were part of some conspiracy.  The lack of empathy, the certainty of rightness without any evidence or intellectual support, the leap from supposition to conclusion with none of the intervening stages of – you know, thinking it through, asking people etc. – the bullish stubborn dumbness of this raspy voiced rat-penised asshole makes it no surprise that President Donald Trump likes and admires him. The unflushed toilet of America has a face and it is that of Alex Jones.

For more FACTS click HERE.

MEGYN KELLY LINES UP JABBA THE HUTT

HOLLYWOOD – NBC host Megyn Kelly will interview Jabba the Hutt on Sunday, causing yet more controversy.

Megyn Kelly has moved from Fox to NBC but it looks like the Fox News sensationalism has moved with her. First she softballs Vladimir Putin and then gives conspiracy theorist, truther and performance artist Alex Jones a platform. However, her latest interview is set to cause even more controversy. Next Sunday, Megyn will be interviewing Tatooine gangster Jabba Desilijic Tiure more commonly known of as Jabba the Hutt.

Kelly spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact is Jabba is a powerful force in the galaxy and it is time that we examined the views, as abhorrent as those views might be to some people. Do I agree with what he says? No. Do I support the slavery and scriminal activity he is accused of? Of course not. Do I like having to wear that strange Princess Leia bikini as a precondition to agreeing to the interview? I’d rather not. But if that’s what it takes to get the ratings… I mean story, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay. It’s not nice, but then again I worked for Roger Ailes so I think I’m prepared.

However, victims of the Hutts represented by the Sarlac Truth Society roundly condemned NBC:

Jabba the Hutt has destroyed literally thousands of lives, many of them being digested in a slow horrible death in the Pit of Carkoon or killed by the Rancor. The fact that he will be given a prime time audience on national television is an insult to all those who have died.

When called on to respond NBC issued a one word statement:

RATINGS.

Megyn Kelly Meets Jabba will air this Sunday on NBC. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

HART TO HART TO GET GAY REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – NBC has announced that they are in the process of developing a gay remake of popular detective show Hart to Hart.

A source close to the Hart to Hart production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

In this new era of marriage equality it is only a matter of time before we start seeing a whole raft of shows featuring same sex couples. In the new show Jonathan and Daniel Hartman, self-made millionaire and his trophy husband will solve a whole series of murders and crimes helped by their faithful manservant Maxine the Butler and their dog Freeway.

The original show featured Robert Wagner, Stephanie Powers and Lionel Stander and speculation is rife as to who will play the leads, but the money is on the renewed pairing of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman with Lady Gaga in the role of Maxine. Rumors that Freeway will be a Chihuahua have been strongly denied.

There is a good chance that the new Hart to Hart will be only the first in a whole raft of remakes realigned to mirror changes in the acceptance and celebration of our diverse sexuality. Rumors are already circulating of a lesbian Cagney and Lacey, an aggressively gay Manimal and a completely heterosexual Dukes of Hazzard.

Hart to Hart is due for broadcast in 2017.

THE KANYE WEST WING FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had Kanye West at the MTV VMAs declared his candidacy for Commander in Chief, the President of the United States of America, than the poster for his new TV show The Kanye West Wing was released onto the internets.

Kanye West’s reboot of the NBC drama series The West Wing which ran from 1999-2006 and starred Martin Sheen as President Jed Bartlett is coming soon, retitled “The Kanye West Wing”.

The official NBC synopsis reads:

 

VMA Vanguard honoree Kanye West takes on the role of the First Black President Kanye West, who with his Chief of Staff Pharell Williams, tries to steer his top team of political advisors through numerous crises domestic and foreign. Secretary of State Miley Cyrus is good at her job, provocative and original, but her toxic relationship with Nikki Minaj (Secretary of Defence) and her jealousy of the first lady Kim Kardashian is proving too destabilizing. Can Kanye bring peace to the Middle East? Can Kanye cut the National Debt and cut unemployment? Yes he Kanye!

Initially Aaron Sorkin was hired to write the show, but Kanye and Sorkin fell out, with Kanye complaining:

He can’t write how I speak. No one can write how I speak. The only person who understands the words coming out of my mouth is me! So that’s who is going to do the writing and everything. Me!

 

Star-packed and full of great musical numbers The Kanye West Wing looks like being the best thing to watch until 2020 when we will get the real thing.

The Kanye West Wing will be broadcast this Fall.

mage courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

COMMUNITY TO BECOME A RUSSIAN NOVEL

HOLLYWOOD – Dan Harmon’s nomadic sit-com Community is to be written as a thousand page Russian novel, the Studio Exec learned today.

Community ran for four seasons on NBC before finding a home at Yahoo! site for its fifth. With that season over, there have been many rumors about the possibility of a motion picture or another season, or indeed both. However, the Studio Exec has learned that the show will be written as an epic Russian novel. At the moment it isn’t certain which Russian novelist will have the privilege of chronicling  the next adventures of Greendale Community College and its zany students and faculty, but many believe that Fyodor Dostoevsky, a long running fan of the show, would be a perfect fit.

Xavier Poulis, a Swiss TV expert who writes for cultural quarterly Chapeau, told the Exec:

Dostoevsky  has to be the front runner, but I wouldn’t entirely rule out Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, the writer of Cancer Ward and the Gulag Archipelago. Although both have a tendency to serious and quite depressing subject matters,  Solzhenitsyn does have the advantage of only being quite recently dead, dying in 2008 whereas Dostoevsky has been dead for yonks more.

Harmon on his podcast Harmontown announced the news that Community would be make the leap onto the page with typical bravado:

When I first came up with the idea of Community and I wrote the original pitch, I immediately imagined the characters being on the Tundra and speaking in thick Russian accents. The studio head told me no and I didn’t have enough power then to resist, but now I am the master of my own destiny, in as much as any of us can be in this godless void, I feel only a Russian master can bring to life Abed, Britta, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison and the Dean to my full satisfaction. My heart was set on Tolstoy but I’d settle for Gogol, or a Vassily Grossman. Or even Bulgakov.

Cообщество will be published in 2016.

LUIS SUAREZ TO GUEST STAR ON HANNIBAL

HOLLYWOOD – Although banned from all footballing activity new Barcelona signing Luis Suarez will be passing his time in a new vocation with a recurring role in NBC Original show Hannibal.

Suarez will play a role as TV and film’s most famous cannibal Dr. Hannibal ‘the Cannibal’ Lecter, played by Mads Mikkelsen.

Show creator Bryan Fuller insisted that this was not due to the biting incident(s) during the World Cup that led to Suarez’s 4 month ban:

This is not just stunt casting. I’ve been a huge fan of Luis Suarez since the Ajax days. And I watched him closely at Liverpool and his performances always led me to believe that he would be a superb actor, especially in the penalty area. We met by pure chance at a Will Ferrell party last year and I talked to him about taking on a cameo but he was reluctant because time was very tight, what with training and everything. The ban however has changed all that.

The Suarez role – revealed at the Comic-Con panel – will be of an apprentice serial killer/cannibal who assists Dr. Lecter in his infamous slaying and fine dining. Suarez himself appeared to a rapturous reception and told the enthusiastic audience ‘I am chomping at the bit to get started. Ha ha. That’s a joke.’

Hannibal Season 3 will be broadcast in 2015.