HOLLYWOOD – Tobey Maguire has today been launched into space, NASA confirmed.
A spokesperson for NASA has confirmed that Tobey Maguire has been launched into space.
We’ve been looking to launch someone famous into space for years and someday we might but for now we’re happy to have launched Spider-man 3 star Tobey Maguire.
His agent, Splitz Dean, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that is has been a dream of his to launch Tobey into space for decades.
It’s something I always wanted to happen but I never dreamed could happen. And we’re not talking about him being launched into orbit or heading for the Moon or Mars or somewhere like that. We just launched him off into space and he really could go anywhere.
Was it Tobey’s dream also?
I don’t think so. He had to be quite heavily sedated. He was screaming and moving around too violently for us to tie the straps. But he’s off now.
Tobey Maguire will be continuing his mission in space for some time to come.
HOUSTON – NASA today announced that they have found conclusive proof of liquid Matt Damon on Mars.
The existence of liquid Matt Damon on Mars has been a posited as a theoretical possibility ever since the Nineteenth Century. The Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli observed the Red Planet in 1877 and started a new craze following a mistranslation of his word channels as ‘canals’ which gave many the idea that there were also Gondoliers and bridges. Frozen Matt Damon has already been observed, but the chances of finding liquid Matt Damon were thought to be slim because of the weak atmospheric pressure which would allow Damon to evaporate, or freeze due to the extremely low temperature.
Scientist Howard Wells told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The nest we’ve been able to do is look for trace elements of Matt Damon. Evidence that he was at some point here. So far this has been a case of looking for where Ben Affleck is and then by a form of trigonometry working out a notional positioning of the Damon, liquid or otherwise. Stephen Soderbergh can be brought in to adjust the calculations.
The first image of Damon on Mars has become a classic and iconic image, reportedly much better than Ocean’s 13 but not as good as the first Bourne film. Ridley Scott who coincidentally filmed The Martian starring Matt Damon on Mars remarked that he was delighted:
Those NASA boys are fantastic. While we were on Mars filming, Matt Damon had a tinkle behind a rock and I said to him ‘Hey, they’ll be claiming they’ve found liquid Matt Damon on Mars next!’ and you know what, as soon as I heard they were making this announcement, I thought, ‘oh no!’
The Martian is on general release.
MARS – NASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.
With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.
For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.
More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.
Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.
HOUSTON – This morning NASA confirmed the successful uncoupling of the celestial body Gwyneth Paltrow from the space debris known as Chris Martin.
The operation took place in the early hours of this morning in what technicians are calling a ‘flawless performance of technical excellence’. A NASA spokesperson said:
These things are always delicate because you never quite known what the reactions are going to be and what you’re going to find in there. Fortunately, possibly due to a diet of celery water and positive thinking, Ms. Paltrow was almost entirely empty and so when we uncoupled her, there was very little mess.
The operation took place fifty miles above the surface of the Earth during an EVA from the International Space Station (ISS). Astrophysicist and part time film critic Neil deGrasse Tyson remarked:
The wonder of such an event can only go to show how amazing a force evolution is. In a short time, less than a generation, Paltrow has gone from being the rather ordinary actress of Sliding Doors fame to what she is now: an ethereal space baby floating benignly above us and mildly reproving us for our eating habits and our poor parenting skills. Now come with me as we…
Sorry Neil, we got a thing.
Oh, you don’t want to come with me while we explore the wonder of the Cosmos?
Maybe next week.
Gwyneth Paltrow will remain in a permanent orbit high above the atmosphere but Chris Martin is expected to fall to Earth later today somewhere over the Indian Ocean.
HOLLYWOOD – The National Aeronautics and Space Agency – or NASA as they prefer to be known – have slammed the new film Son of God as ‘utterly implausible’, stating that the film ‘makes a series of claims which are simply inconsistent with the way we know the universe works.’
The agency went on:
We saw a very white happy Jesus (Diogo Morgado) perform a series of acts which blatantly defied the laws of nature. These ‘miracles’ were supposed to be a part of the proof of his ‘divinity’ but by that point we’d totally switched off. It was like bad Babylon Five, and Babylon Five is bad Star Trek.
The film makers robustly defended the film saying:
These people are never going to be satisfied. We even took out Barack O-Satan which some had ludicrously claimed had a resemblance to the current President. Our audience is not interested in the opinion of NASA or anyone else enslaved by the oppression of facts.
The Son of God is currently in theaters.
HOUSTON – The NASA satellite Intense 7 has discovered the original Death Star featured in Star Wars (AKA Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope) orbiting Phobos, the forest moon of Mars.
‘We were all watching the pictures coming in on a live feed,’ says NASA engineer, Edna Hoopla. ‘And someone said look it’s heading towards that small moon. And someone said … I swear to God someone said, “That’s no moon. That’s a space station.” And someone else said, “That’s way too big to be a space station” and, you know, we went on for quite a bit, because, you know, we’re nerds.’
The Death Star was constructed in 1976 for the filming of the original George Lucas blockbuster, but Studio Exec can now exclusively reveal that the destruction of the Death Star was accomplished via a ‘special effect’ using a ‘model’.
|Building began in 1976
Concerns were almost immediately raised by Jimmy Carter among others, that the Death Star could easily fall into the wrong hands and if that were to happen the terrible consequences would be terrible. Lucas set minds to rest by claiming the Death Star would be destroyed at the conclusion of filming and indeed its destruction made up a vital plot point in the film, but
President Obama issued a statement responding to the news saying that on the one hand the administration was very angry with Mr Lucas and would be demanding the answers to some very tough questions, but when pushed about what measures the administration might take against Mr Lucas reminded the press that ‘when all was said and done George Lucas does have a Death Star.’
The discovery of the Death Star comes days after the scientific proof that the force really does exist as like an actual thing (CLICK HERE for more on that story), but thus far Mr. Lucas has refused to comment although an evil snickering could be heard on a recording that played to anyone dialing the Skywalker Ranch.
Star Wars 7 will be released in 2015.
HOUSTON – After the furore over Gravity, NASA have weighed in again on the accuracy of Darren Aronofsky’s new Biblical epic, Noah starring Russell Crowe and Anthony Hopkins.
Following a special preview of the film, NASA took the unusual step of writing a letter to the Black Swan director which they accidentally on purpose CC-ed to us here at Studio Exec. Here it is in full:
Sorry, we mean Mr. Aronofsky. It’s late here at Mission Control and we’ve been smoking Blue Dream. Really quite excellent, if you can get… wait who are we telling? You made The Fountain and you don’t know Blue Dream? Yeah right!?
Anyhoo, can we say we are all big fans of your films, especially of Pi and The Wrestler (Black Swan not so much, but you know). We got an opportunity to watch Noah – what with the Shuttle program effectively mothballed we’re setting up as freelance film critics – and we have some thoughts.
1. Universal flood: WHAT? I mean, come on. There’s no evidence for any such flood. It just couldn’t happen. Didn’t happen. So that’s basically the whole of your film hitting the Bullshit Button straight away.
2. Ark: we’re not convinced that this is a credible solution. The weight of biomass would sink any boat that existed in that period, or this period for that matter.
3. Animals: Two by two makes sense logistically, but it is too small a sample to ensure survival. And there are very big hygiene issues.What about incidences of infertility/sterility? Also keeping different livestock in such close proximity is just asking for a bird flu outbreak. Literally asking for it.
4. Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly in the same film. Very good call Mr. Aronofsky. No complaints there.
Okay, that’s all from us. We can’t sit around fact checking films all day. Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself you know.
Lots of love
HOLLYWOOD – NASA have come out and slammed Alfonso Cuarón’s new film Gravity, saying that ‘it obviously was not filmed in space, as the director has repeatedly claimed.’
Professor Humbert Less gave a Powerpoint presentation which involved clips from the film to which he pointed with a long white stick to prove factual inaccuracies and what he called ‘give-aways that conclusively proved that some kind of special effects trickery was used.’
Prof. Less further stated:
I find it highly unlikely that Mr. Clooney and Ms. Bullock ever went into orbit, Mr. Clooney certainly did not challenge anyone for a record space walk. As for the ‘story’ of the film, the exploding shuttle and the satellites must somehow have been made via models or a computer, because it just looked too dangerous and we would have noticed that amount of activity going on on our special scanners.
Cuarón responded by saying that NASA:
Should shut its fat f*cking face. I did it in space. Clooney did it in space. So if you’re saying I didn’t you’re also calling my son a liar and George Clooney a liar. And Sandra Bullock from The Blind Side a liar!
Gravity is in theatres now.