DAVID LYNCH CHUCKIE EGG MOVIE GREENLIT

Breaking News – Hot on the tails of the Super Mario Bros movie announcement, it has been confirmed that a David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie is in development. The David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie will be based on the smash hit 80s computer game of the same name. The Exec caught up with Lynch to discuss his new project.

[Cough] David, do you have to smoke in here during the interview?

Yes.

… Ok then. Can You Tell Us What Drew You To Such A Different Kind Of Project?

Well, it’s like this. People know me for making films that don’t necessarily have linear narratives, bourgeois constructs or easy to follow plots, if any. I’m an artist that seeks constant reinvention and stimulus. Therefore I was very stimulated when Paramount drove a truck full of money up to my home and told me to look at their script for Chuckie Egg: The Movie. I thought to myself, ‘David, it’s time for reinvention. Oh, and a new swimming pool. Ya can’t forget the swimming pool.’

So This Isn’t Going To Be A Subversive Take On The Computer Game Movie Genre?

Fuck, no! As I said, I have reinvented myself. I’m gonna be the darling of the studios. You think Ron Howard is a safe, 7/10 kinda director? You aint seen nothing yet. I’m gonna direct this shit by the numbers. I’ve already been on to McDonalds about a Chuckie Egg McMuffin tie in. This will be the blandest movie I ever made.

Is It Live Action Or CGI?

It’s whatever the fuck the producers tell me it’s gonna be. We haven’t had the initial feedback data from the focus groups yet, so we really can’t say at this stage. But I guarantee you this, Mr Chuckie will have his eggs and eat them.

Had You Ever Heard Of Chuckie Egg Before You Read The Script?

Script? Have you seen the script? If you do, then please forward me a copy. I’ve heard it’s great. But to answer your question, no. I never played video games in the 80s. I was too busy making Dune, Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks. What were you doing?

David Lynch’s Chuckie Egg: The Movie Starts Filming In December

SUNDANCE REVIEW – EATING BACON WITH MALCOLM

SUNDANCE REVIEW – Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortenssen star in Eating Bacon with Malcolm.

Eating Bacon with Malcolm tells the story of a young boy – newcomer Jake Seed – who on the death of his father, temporarily loses the urge to eat bacon. His mother has buried herself in work to avoid grief and the neglected kid needs also to contend with a new city, where mother and son have moved to. In flashback, Malcolm’s relationship to his inspirational father is seen through a series of breakfasts the two ate together, while Naomi Watts the mother, is buried in work.

A bittersweet comedy, the occasionally flimsy conceit is more than held up by some exceptional performance – particularly from newcomer Seed. The only blot is Mortensen who spends the whole film randomly using insulting racial epithets. He seems to be trying to prove a point. The ever reliable Watts is amazing as the mother who has thrown herself into her work and slowly discovers that she is losing her son. But Seed is the revelation. It’s almost as if Jess Plemons ate Timothée Chalamet and then shit him out as a young Paul Newman. The final scene – where SPOILER Malcolm eats bacon – had the audience in tears. Music by the one guy from Radiohead who hasn’t done a score yet was acoustic guitary.

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HANEKE AND FARRELLY BROTHERS COLLABORATE ON FUNNIER GAMES

AUSTRIA – Famed Austrian auteur and misery Michael Haneke is to team up with some of the legends of American gross out comedy to remake Funny Games for the second time.

Having won the Palmes D’Or and the Oscars for his film Amour, Michael Haneke is considered by many to be at the top of his art house game. And so yesterday’s announcement came out of the blue, as – in a joint press conference with Pete and Bobby Farrelly, he announced a sequel to his only American made film, Funny Games, provisionally entitled Funnier Games.

The 2007 film which featured Naomi Watts and Tim Roth being terrorized by Michael Pitt and chum in white tennis toggs was something of a misstep for the director and he has since gone on record regretting the film, which was a remake of a film he had already made in German in 1997. The idea for a sequel came when the director saw the film again in a small Los Angeles theater.

Haneke recalled:

There was this raucous laughter coming from the back all the way through the film, and I thought how wonderful, finally someone who understands my admittedly bleak Austrian sense of humor.  After the film I followed the men who had been laughing and cornered them at the McDonald’s where they were drinking out of one soda carton with two straws.

‘We thought Mikey’s work was unbelievable, like totally,’ says Bobby.

‘Misunderstood,’ says Petey. ”The Seventh Continent? Hilarious. Hour of the Wolf? Hilarious. The White Ribbon? I pissed my pants it was so funny.’

‘He totally did,’ says Bobby. ‘He pissed his pants.’

The new film will feature Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey, killing children amidst hapless escapades and gross out humor.

‘He really did piss his pants,’ Bobby assured us. Again.

Funny Games will be released in 2017.

ST. VINCENT: REVIEW

ST. VINCENT: REVIEW: In this Ghostbusters spin off, Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) is an old grumpy drunk who begrudgingly befriends a small Jewish boy (Jaeden Lieberher) who goes to Catholic school.

There comes a time in every actor’s career where they decide to go Ratso Rizzo. Mickey Rourke goes Wrestling, Jack Nicholson drives an RV to his daughter’s wedding and Al Pacino becomes a locksmith. Bill Murray plays Vinnie, a grouchy hard drinking loser who is out of money, out of luck and out of patience, his misery occasionally relieved by the ministrations of heavily pregnant Russian prostitute Daka (Naomi Watts). When Melissa McCarthy’s harassed single parent turns up freshly separated with her young son, Vin is recruited to look after the boy. At first he does so unwillingly but soon an unlikely bond blah di blah, and the boy learns that beneath his misanthropic surface Vin is actually blah di blah. Blah di blah comic cameo from Chris O’Dowd, blah di blah Naomi Watts broadly racist Russian prostitute, blah di blah heartwarming Oscars and Golden Globes.

St. Vincent is an overly slick awards garnering machine. All that’s missing is the word ‘Sunshine’ in the title. The plot is so predictable that the title sequence should have SPOILER ALERT written all over it. Every character is layered with feel good sympathy and yet nothing is real. They all have speeches written to be played as clips for prior to awards and each musical cue plays like midway through the trailer. In fact almost any 30 second  moment of Theodore Melfi’s film picked at random could be used in the trailer. It seems so intent on selling itself, selling its characters and being liked it even canonizes its lead on stage in front of an applauding audience. Like a rehearsal for the Oscars.

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5 ROLES THAT DESTROYED ACTORS

HOLLYWOOD – Actors are only as good as the roles they inhabit. But some actors have their careers capsized by a role.

It might not be a bad role. It might even be a very good role. But it is a role from which their careers might take some time to recover.

1. Jack Nicholson – Jack Torrance: We already has mad Jack with McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but Nicholson’s collaboration with Kubrick, fixed the actor in the popular imagination as wild man Jack, a fusion of the popular perception of the actor and his increasingly stereotyped roles. The Witches of Eastwick, Wolf and the Joker were all to follow.

2. Naomi Watts – Princess Diana: Naomi Watts broke into films with her wonderful performance in Mulholland Drive. Ever since then, she has veered from art house fare, including Haneke’s remake of Funny Games to bone crushing stupidity such as King Kong. Her lead role in Diana will probably be seen (hopefully) as the nadir of her career, with the Kiwi actress having to utter lines such as ‘Can a heart really break?’ to her heart surgeon boyfriend.

3. Eddie Murphy – Donkey: The problem with Eddie Murphy’s voice talent performance in the Shrek franchise is the fact it set the bar too high for all his visible roles. The fact that a stupid/smart ass ass outshone every other performance for two decades painfully revealed that this once great stand up comic had become mired in tasteless children’s fare, or vaguely superior children’s fare.

4. Eric Bana – Chopper: The brilliant début of this undoubtedly talented actor was also a moment that both made and ruined his career. With expectations raised so high, Bana would go on to star in films by Ang Lee, Steven Spielberg, Joe Wright and Ridley Scott, but he would consistently prove to be underwhelming, not once creating a character as belligerently unforgettable as the true life crime antagonist of the Andrew Dominik film.

5. Cameron Diaz – Jenny Everdeane: prior to being cast in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs of New York Cameron Diaz was a fine comic actress. Well, okay-ish. But her utter unsuitability as the Nineteenth Century former model turned actress turned prostitute in slum town New York, not only ruined that film but also jinxed her career and she went from adorable wit to annoying wart in the space of a slap.   

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NICOLE KIDMAN AND NAOMI WATTS TO BOTH STAR IN PRINCESS DIANA OF MONACO

HOLLYWOOD – The New York Times billed it as ‘the prize fight of the princesses’ with Naomi Watts starring as the late Princess of Wales in Diana and Nicole Kidman taking on actress turned royal Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco.

But apparently the two actresses have put their differences aside and are planning a sequel to rival Batman Vs. Superman: Princess Diana of Monaco.

‘The idea is that these two people exist in the same “Royal Universe” where the same suspension of disbelief and fantastic rules apply,’ said Tom Hooper, the director. He continued, dribbling only slightly:

So the common folk slavishly adore these people who have gained what they have gained merely by marrying very rich men who have gained what they gained merely by fortuitously exiting the correct royal vagina. Of course, in the real world this wouldn’t make sense but here we’re dealing with the height of fictional fantasy. 

Naomi Watts commented that ‘There are many similarities in the stories of these women and I’m not just talking about them dying in car crashes.’ ‘They both died in car crashes,’ added Nicole Kidman. ‘That IS really important.’

Princess Diana of Monaco will be released some time in 2014. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT NAOMI WATTS

HOLLYWOOD – How many myths? How many lies? How much mumbo jumbo has surrounded the most enigmatic of Norwegians, Naomi Watts?

Well no longer! Studio Exec – armed with the baloney busting Bazooka of brilliance – puts paid to piffle with FACT.

  1. Naomi Watts’ father Jeff Watts invented electricity. 
  2. In preparation for the filming of Tsunami drama The Impossible Watts and her co-star Fr. Ewan MacGregor learnt to speak fluent Spanish, had their hair dyed and even applied for Spanish citizenship so as to reproduce the experiences of the real life Belòn family with the appropriate verisimilitude. ‘It would be a disgusting insult to Maria Belòn and her family to just Anglicize the characters in order to make the film more commercially successful,’ said Ms. Watts. However, the studio dubbed the film into English and changed the family into an English family, at which point Ms. Watts forgot Spanish instantly.
  3. As well as being a versatile actress, Naomi Watts is also an expert linguist. Her mastery of accents is such that people rarely guess she is Norwegian. She adopts a light Australian accent during interviews which provoked criticism from the Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, who took to referring to Naomi Watts as Naomi Whats?, which is considered hilarious in Norway and was instrumental to his winning of the election.
  4. Her early film roles included a supporting role in Tank Girl and Norwegian soap opera Home and Away. Naomi Watts also appeared in King Kong, although at the last minute the roles were changed and Andy Serkis played the large eponymous monkey. 
  5. During the filming of David Lynch’s masterly Mulholland Drive, Ms. Watts prepared for her part by eating nothing but squirrel in the mistaken belief it would help her attune to Mr. Lynch’s precise brand of weirdness.  She used the same technique when starring in the American language version of Funny Games, during which she only ate Michael Haneke’s favourite type of Pot Noodle. 
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XAVIER POULIS: ACADEMY AWARDS FASHIONS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Leading Swiss cinema theorist and bon vivant Xavier Poulis casts his weary Alpine eye over events in cinemastan.

The 85th Academy Awards? pffffff! Argo? pffffff! Ang Lee? pffffffff. Life of Pfffffff. Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, we all like Daniel Day-Lewis, no pfffffff for him. But all the same. Pffffffffff. But I hear you scream at the top of your anglo-lungs ‘WHAT ABOUT THE FASHIONS?’

  • Naomi Watts was wearing a blue dress by Ralph made of bags and the tears of chronically unhappy children. Every dress Ralph makes costs a Chinese child three fingers which the fashion maverick cuts off with a knife to add a frisson of tragedy to each creation.
  • Hey, Jessica Chastain, where are you going with that shovel? She’s going to the 1930s graveyard to dig up a starlet and steal her gown. It’s cheap, ecologically responsible and – except for the whiff of decay – elegant. Bravo!
  • Halle Berry pays tribute to supermarkets everywhere with her beautiful Bar Code dress by Sad Boy, with minglings of stick of rock. Sexy in aisle 12! Ha ha! Pfffffff.
  • Anne Hathaway caused delight and consternation in equal measure when her nipples blinded spectators and her elfin features made Wayne LaPierre of the NRA seriously question his sexuality: ‘I don’t which way to turn’ he whimpered. 
  • Jennifer Lawrence went radical wearing a dress designed by a heterosexual. However she was also victim of a fashion disaster when – on going up to accept her award for something – the dress completely failed to fall off. She managed to cover her blushes by falling over. 
Xavier Poulis walks away
And in conclusion, what do these fashions mean for women shopping in the real world?  Nothing! You are all ugly slaps in the eye, Hobbits all, compared to these goddesses. Hide yourselves! Pffffffff.