MY FAVORITE FILM: HILLARY CLINTON

WASHINGTON – Hello, my name is Hillary Clinton and the Studio Exec, a very close friend of my husband, has asked my if I will choose my favorite film and write about.

I suppose the first thing I have to say is that it is not Black Hawk Down; and it isn’t You’ve Got Mail. So let’s nip that rumor in the bud right away. No, my favorite film has to be Back to the Future. I just think the film is charming. Marty McFly, played by the wonderful Michael J. Fox, is just an average school kid who loves skateboarding, playing his guitar and listening to top youth music band Huey Lewis and the News. However, when he is sent back in time by Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd who I already loved from Taxi, he inadvertently prevents his mother and father from meeting. Somehow he must arrange their first kiss otherwise he will cease to exist.

Back to the Future is undoubtedly the finest time travel movie ever made. I think what I love about it is that it shows that you can escape the past and you don’t have to be beholden to mistakes you might have made a long time ago. There is something exhilarating in seeing George McFly, Marty’s father, becoming a different person under his son’s tutelage. What if the fifties could learn from the eighties? the film seems to ask. In my own situation, sure there are mistakes I wish I could rectify that would change who I am today, but at the same time I am who I am because of the road that brought me here.

It’s also interesting to see how prescient the film is. Middle Eastern terrorists are a risk, but so is the local bully Biff. Technology is amazing with flying cars predicted as well and here we are and we almost have them. So the lesson seems to be you can go back in time, tinker a little bit and in that way fix the present. And I am the candidate who best represents that idea.

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MY FAVORITE FILM: DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK: Hey everybody. I guess Donald Trump doesn’t need to go around introducing himself anymore, because everyone already knows who I am. I am Donald Trump, Reality TV star, business tycoon and the next President of the United States of Trumpania.

When my good friend the Studio Exec asked me to write a film review of my favorite film, I couldn’t help but wonder why someone hadn’t asked me to write one before. I’m the best at writing filming reviews because when I watch a film I know if it is good, or if it is bad instantly. As I’m watching it. I can even tell from just reading who is it in it. Before I even see it. But the question was what was my favorite film? That’s a good question. At first I thought The Bible! But then I realized that was a private matter and I wans’t even sure there was a film called The Bible. So then I realized my favorite is Alan Parker’s musical Pink Floyd: The Wall.

I know what you’re thinking. Brilliant choice Mr. Trump. Oh and can I have a job? Yes, I know it’s a brilliant choice. I made it. And talk to my people. I’m not dealing with hiring at the moment.

Pink Floyd: The Wall is about a guy called Pink – I know clever right – who builds this beautiful wall. I mean you should see it. White bricks – that’s not racist, but they are the best bricks – nice and tall, no beautiful door in it but still you can see where I’m going. So that’s the issue of illegals dealt with. But Pink Floyd: The Wall includes pretty much a policy document for me.

We Don’t Need No Education: that’s my education policy. The University of Life is enough for anyone with the smarts to make it in the real world.

Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb? Not if we drop it first and the Chinese know full well that I’m the kind of guy to do it!

Is there anybody out there? Yes, thousands of raping Mexicans. That’s why Pink builds the wall.

Does Anybody Here Remember Vera Lynn? Yes, World War Two forces sweet heart. What do I win?

Comfortably Numb: In two words my ideal electorate!

Pink builds himself a Tea Party-esque political movement and gets a haircut, which was long overdue. Though there is some lightness when he accidentally cuts his eyebrows off as well.

My only criticism of the film is that at the end they ‘bring down the wall’. That is dumb! Who would build a wall, spend their whole life building the wall only to tear it down at the end? Probably John McCain! Am I right?

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MY FAVORITE FILM: CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Yeah, you thought it was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, didn’t you? Or Super Size Me, eh? I know how you think, you shmucks! Well, it ain’t.

It’s the Joel Schumacher 1993 drama Falling Down starring everyone’s favourite canyon yodeller, Michael Douglas. What an actor! What a guy! You know here’s the guy who has uncovered the threat that the Chinese pose in The China Syndrome, as well as the Japanese in Black Rain; how dangerous wives are in Battle of the Roses; lovers are in Fatal Attraction and lesbians in Basic Instinct. He ticks my boxes. I’ll tell you.  

What do I like abut this film? What’s not to like! The film follows a day in the life of a defence contractor, who one day abandons his car in the middle of what can only be described as Fellini-esque traffic jam. Yeah Fellini-esque! Yeah, I know Fellini. You turn off the after the bridge and tell him Chris sent you. Get the spicy sausage with the stuffed crust. It’s Neo-Real! Ha ha!


Anyway as he makes his way through Los Angeles, Mr. Douglas basically comes across political correctness gone crazy, immigrants, crime gone mad, police helpless and he goes a bit Zimmerman on their asses. No, not Bob you assholes. George. This is so humiliating. 

The best thing about the film – and everyone agrees – is the opening scene which is like this Dante vision of hell as a traffic jam. All those LA assholes broiling in this absolute Carmageddon! It makes you happy to live in the Garden State. Where such a thing could never happen. 

My second favourite film is Weekend by Jean Luc Godard. It’s like Falling Down but with tons of garlic.

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MY FAVORITE FILM: DONALD STERLING

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, Everyone! Donald Sterling here. Formerly owner of the… well never mind. Still makes me sad to think about it.

Anyhoot, I’m not here to talk about matters relating to my recent troubles. Rather I want to escape and what better way to escape than by escaping into the darkness of the old Movie House. And this is one of my favorite films into which I wish to escape.
Soul Man is a HILARIOUS comedy. It was made in 1986 but it still holds up today. If anything, it is more relevant now than it was then. 

Mark Watson – played by the Daniel Day Lewis of his day C. Thomas Howell – has got a place at Harvard to study law, but because of his feckless father can’t afford the fees and so resorts to a blacks only scholarship which he wins by taking tanning pills to make himself eligible. Ha HA HA HA! I’m laughing just thinking about it. 

But as well as being a knock down funny hilarity fest, Soul Man has a very serious point to make about racial intolerance. You see, why should there be black only scholarships? Isn’t that the worst racism of all? Worse than racism against anybody else? Worse than slavery even? I mean, if people are racist to white people, what is the world coming to? White people aren’t used to it. We can’t ‘jive talk’ our way out of it, or dance well, or any of those other attributes which our dark skinned brothers can profit by as well as their ‘scholarships’. Soul Man is in some ways the most serious films I’ve ever seen. As well as being hilarious.

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MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

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MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: MAGGIE SMITH

HOLLYWOOD – My Favorite Film gives actors and film makers a chance to talk about what they love at the cinema. Today, Maggie Smith. 

Although I do enjoy acting in films – you might have seen me in those wretched Harry Potter efforts or that pile of wiffle waffle The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – I much prefer to sit at home with a nice milky cup of tea, my pet moggy on my lap and a plate of ginger snap biscuits to hand and watch my favourite movie: A Serbian Film.

It came out in 2010 and caused quite the stir, with its scenes of sexual violence and torture, but the acting is exquisite and many of the jokes provoke what Brian Blessed used to call ‘belly laughs’. The story revolves around an out of work actor of adult entertainment – I know we lovies simply adore films that explore ‘the Craft’ – who is lured back to the world of red light cinema to make a film of simply hilarious brutality. 

Many seem shocked by A Serbian Film on its release and some even spoke of banning it, to which I say ‘piffle!’ If you’d shared a dressing room with Helen Mirren and Judi Dench – as I have -then you would think the scenes in the film depicted nothing stronger than a teddy bear’s picnic. The value of the film comes from its political anger at the present state of Serbia, and it also has lashings of gory fun!

Five Stars *****