DUBLIN – In a bid to repair his reputation, Abraham Lincoln impersonator Daniel Day-Lewis has requested that all remaining negatives, DVDs, blu-rays and digital copies of Nine be gathered together and destroyed.

‘It’s very simple,’ said Dana Cook, once famous as half of Wayne’s World but now Daniel Day-Lewis’ bag man and PR agent. ‘Daniel has a nearly flawless career, with masterpiece after masterpiece. My Beautiful Launderette, Last of the Mohicans, My Left Foot, In the Name of the Father and even smaller films like The Ballad of Jack and Rose or The Boxer and then there’s a large film-shaped turd like Nine.’

Day-Lewis has also allegedly approached Martin Scorsese about recutting Gangs of New York. Dana Cook agrees:

Yes we did have a conversation with Marty. Daniel was very pleased with the work he did on that picture as Bill the Butcher, he really felt he created the character, but unfortunately there’s that great big ass, Cameron Diaz, gallumphing about the film and utterly ruining it. Dan felt snip, snip and the film… nay the world would be a better place.

According to Cook, Scorsese is seriously considering a new Director’s Cut of the film for release in 2014.