IS SPIELBERG SECRETLY FILMING JAWS 19?

HOLLYWOOD – Rumours are swirling on social media that Steven Spielberg is currently filming Jaws 19: Jaws in Space.

An anonymous source at London’s Pinewood Studios called our office and gave us an exclusive insight into this mysterious movie. Below is an edited transcript of that conversation.

Can you tell us who you are?

Er, no. Well you see I’m famous and if Spielberg finds out he’ll get all Munich on my ass. I’ll make up a name, er, Harrison Fjord.

Are you Scandinavian?

No, I’m Irish Catholic. Ah shit. I mean yes, sure, I’m from Finland.

So Harry, what can you tell us about Jaws in Space?

It’s going to be amazing. I’ve seen about 30 minutes of footage and it’s shaping up to be a masterpiece.

Can you reveal any plot details?

Sure. I play High Chief Martin Brody, the commander of the Amity colony on the Planet Quint 91753. We get a distress call from a nearby moon about a Great White Shark that swims through the universe devouring entire galaxies and it’s on a direct course for our planet.

Wow, so you have to fight him off?

Exactly. First this huge shark sends out smaller shark to attack cities and they all get destroyed. Only Amity remains and so we gather our forces and take the fight to him.

Amazing. How do you eventually kill it?

I’m not sure but I have seen the props department building a 500ft stick of dynamite so maybe that plays a part.

Sounds like it might. Is there anything else you can tell us?

Only that it’s going to be in 3D and Jennifer Lawrence is…ah Christ, Spielberg’s coming and he looks pissed. I’ve got to go.

JAWS 19 IS DUE FOR RELEASE IN 2017

AN APPEAL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg, director of such great films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln, War Horse, Sugarland Express, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Hook, 1941, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Munich and Always.

You might also know me from my executive producer credits on ER, Falling Skies, the Transformers series and many other TV Shows and films. Oh, I also kind of directed Poltergeist, but shhhhh. 

But today I don’t want to talk to you as the director of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Tin Tin the Secret of the Unicorn and certainly not as the director of The Terminal … to tell you the truth I always try and forget that one. 

No. I’m here to talk to you as a normal human being. A simple man. Cast from your mind Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Duel. Not to mention the beguiling science fiction fairy tales A.I. and E.T. And let’s not get into my cameo role in The Blues Brothers, or those documentaries I made about the Second World War and President Obama. And what’s the point in dredging up the segment of The Twilight Zone movie and those episodes of Columbo I was involved with? I was a young man, a kid and no one knew me. It just isn’t relevant to the point I want to make and this very important issue which I would like to shine a light on today.

So PLEASE sign the petition and remember to give generously. Thank You.


Steven Spielberg

SCHINDLER’S LIST, A ‘TRUE STORY’ CLAIMS EXPERT

Famous and accomplished film director, Steven Spielberg has come under attack from Princeton University history professor Dr. Marcus Grumble who claims in his new book Copycat: How Spielberg Robbed History that the 1941 filmmaker stole the story lines of many of his most famous films from reality.
Dr. Grumble even goes so far as to claim that Oscar winning masterpiece Schindler’s List is nothing more than a copy of stuff that actually happened, but with actors pretending to be people who they are really not.
Speaking in the pipe smoke filled office in the leafy confines of frosty academia, Grumble said:

He is a very good film director and I though – when I began my book – a wholly original one. Space aliens and archaeologists whipping people, and what have you. It was to my horror that I discovered that the story behind Schindler’s List was almost entirely taken from reality and Oscar Schindler did in fact exist and save Jews etc. Spielberg even has the audacity to put the real people at the end of his film walking beside the actors. Talk about hiding in plain sight. 

Continuing his investigation, Grumble noticed also that the D-Day landings were an actual event and not a Hollywood set piece devised by Spielberg to show off his new shaky camera. Likewise, he can confirm that Lincoln is not a fictional character and did indeed emancipate the slaves.

The more I dug the more I found out what a fraud and copier Spielberg was. He makes up very little. Amistad? True event. Catch Me If You Can? True story. Munich? Actually happened. Jurassic Park? True. It’s almost as if he’s taking real life stuff, and somehow reproducing it in a dramatic form with people who pretend to be real people who really lived. Spielberg, or Steal-berg as I call him, is no more than a plagiarist of history.

Steven Spielberg refused to be interviewed thus proving everything Dr. Grumble said to be entirely true.

TARANTINO DISSES SPIELBERG’S SLAVE-OWNING ‘IT’S PLAIN WRONG!’

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has angrily asserted that Steven Spielberg is a disgrace to the directing profession and should have his cap taken off him and given to someone ‘who won’t lose it up his ass.’

The rant was provoked by the news which broke yesterday that Steven Spielberg has been a slave owner since the late Seventies, owning over two hundred Vietnamese slaves in a plantation in Dakota.

‘I’ve always admired Stevie,’ said Four Rooms co-director, flapping his hands in the air. ‘Always, always. Duel and 1941 oh and Always are some of the finest films I’ve ever seen. But Spielberg has been drifting to the right for years now. First of all with his Young Hitler picture Munich which I didn’t see out of protest and now the news that he actually owns slaves.’

Tarantino – who is working on his biopic of Jazz legend Django Riendhart entitled Django Unchained  – says that the slavery issue is very close to his heart. ‘I’ve always wanted to have slaves myself,’ Tarantino said. ‘Hey I’m no puritan. I understand that Spielberg wants to be able to kill people with impunity and get them to do whatever he wants. But there are limits.’

When Studio Exec challenged Tarantino about his friend Kurt Russell who is a vocal defender of slavery, the Dawn to Dusk ‘actor’ got quite irate  ‘Kurt is a great friend and an artist who I admire very much. What he does with human beings who he had bought at market with Goldie Hawn’s money is entirely his business.’

Isn’t that exactly true of Spielberg also then?

‘Yes,’ said Mr T (as he prefers to be known). ‘Yes. I suppose it is. Okay. Forget everything I just said. Let’s talk about my picture where’s the reset button on this thing.’

Django Unchained will be followed by The Hateful Eight.