UTAH – At 4:33 AM in a field in Utah, the last copy of Movie 43 was successfully destroyed.
The comedy sketch film masterminded by Peter Farrrelly and starring a host of Hollywood stars and Johnny Knoxville, has become notorious in the history of cinema as the only work of Hollywood cinema to have been issued with a warrant by the European Courts of Human Rights and to have been named in a UN resolution which called for its elimination and referred to the film explicitly as ‘a crime against humanity’.
The destruction of the move was also widely supported by the actors who appeared in the film and who indeed published a letter in the New York Times calling for ‘the swift erasure of the blot on the history of cinema and incidentally out own careers.’ Many stars such as Halle Berry and Kate Winslett actually took time off from their acting careers – in the case of Ms. Berry quite a lot of time – in order to hunt down individual copies of the film and destroy them personally.
Dennis Quaid – head of the task force whose job it was to see to the round up – had this to say:
The first part of our jobs was relatively easy. We got all the studio held negatives and the digital copies and deleted them. Then we rounded up DVDs and Blu-Rays that had been bought. For once we didn’t have a problem with piracy because very few people could be bothered to download the film and those that did, on seeing the film, believed their computer had a virus and wiped their own hard discs. It has taken more time to be certain that the film does not achieve some kind of ironic cult status, but luckily Movie 43 goes past the ‘so bad it’s good’ mark and lands once more in ‘terrible’. To see that last copy of Movie 43 being destroyed via a controlled explosion was a wonderful moment for me, both personally as an actor and more broadly as a human being who cares about the world we live in.
Movie 44 will be released in 2016.
THE PAPERBOY: REVIEW – The Paperboy is accidentally entertaining in way a car crash is entertaining for those not in it. The film is a pile of over the top, over acted, over directed, over exposed, badly written, multicolored shit, which manages to be both predictable – plot wise – and dumbly surprising – in a WTF way.
Lee Daniels – revealing himself to be something of a sadist – seems intent on punishing his cast as if this was Movie 43 all over again. Matthew Mcconaughey lawyers up to defend white trash slime ball – John Cusack playing a toned down version of himself – who in turn has somehow managed to win the duct taped heart of Nicole Kidman’s Southern slattern. Never have I seen an actress obviously hankering for a new direction head off in the wrong one with such a flourish. All is seen through the eyes of Zach Efron who gets pissed on – the takeaway moment of the film – by Nicole Kidman, who in turn is pissed on, along with the rest of the cast, by Lee Daniels. And he’s been eating asparagus.
Finally, Warner Bros have announced that cameras are almost ready to roll on the long awaited Casablanca sequel provisionally entitled You Again! Hugh Jackman plays Rick Blaine and Kate Winslet takes on the role of Ilsa Lundt made famous by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman and directed by Brett Ratner who has put on hold his long awaited remake of Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy to concentrate on following up one of the most loved films of all time.
Kate Winslet said that the idea first came about when she was shooting Movie 43 with her co-star Jackman:
Wolverine and I have been friends since the year dot. And when we were making Movie 43 one of the Farrelley brothers said the chemistry was great and we should think about taking on the great romantic roles of Ilsa and Rick. Straight away we thought it was a genius idea. Everyone agreed, laughing hysterically to show their enthusiasm.
Ratner was keeping his cards close to his chest, but he said that the story picks up a few years after the events shown in the original film. Wiping mayonnaise of his chin, he said:
Rick is working in Europe as a contract killer, but when his last job goes wrong and he accidentally kills the pope he flees to the States where he unwittingly buys a zoo and guess who applies for a job in the lizard house? No seriously guess! Okay, I’ll tell you, Ilsa Lundt! So they have this zoo and its funny but Major Strasser’s brother played by Ralph Fiennes is a big game hunter and he relaxes by going around zoos killing the giraffes. I don’t want to say anymore because I might give something away. The important thing is – as you can tell – it is in the spirit of the original.
Filming has already begun.
MILAN – Media Tycoon and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has put his hat in the ring to become the new Pope.
Although it looks unlikely that the man who makes Caligula look like a blushing celibate will ever achieve a majority in the Papal conclave, supporters are welcoming his candidacy. ‘At last a we would have a Pope who understands the true meaning of Catholicism,’ said Fabio Brandalise. ‘That is doing whatever the hell you want and then being forgiven on Sunday, or the next elections.’
It now appears that the transfer of Mario Balotelli from Manchester City to AC Milan – a football club owned by Mr. Berlusconi – may have been a way of making him seem holier.
Cardinal Bergnassi however said that a Pope Silvio would be a disaster for the church:
First there’s Movie 43, then Argo wins also those awards and now Berlusconi for Pope? Jesus Christ, it’s like God doesn’t even want us to believe in him any more.
Berlusconi also owns several film studios and distribution companies which makes this news entirely relevant to a film site such as ours, so there. Before you even start.
Berlusconi’s new film Pretty Little Girl is due for release in 2015.
This isn’t a movie. It’s a war crime.
Few motion pictures compel you to give yourself a DIY lobotomy whilst you are watching them so if you find yourself forced into the unfortunate situation of being present at a showing of Movie 43, I recommend you bring something sharp, two hard stabs at your frontal lobe should do the trick but a third for good luck will insure you harbor no residual memory of the godforsaken travesty.
Here is a list of the writers who committed this act of comedy genocide:
Elizabeth Wright Shaprio
Remember those names and remember them well, for those people must never be allowed to form letters into a sentence for the rest of their days. All writing implements should be removed from their person and in order to make sure they don’t try and pull a Marquis De Sade and write with their own blood and excrement: their hands must be tied and their legs hobbled with a block of wood and a sledgehammer.
It’s that serious. I’m normally not an advocate of violence but if it’s a choice between that and any one of them polluting cinema with another script, I’d gladly burn my Amnesty international membership card, dust down my tools and declare the Geneva convention does not apply here.
The world is full of talented writers who will never get the opportunity to see their work on screen and for them to produce such an asinine, uninspiring and worst of all, unfunny piece of shit is an insult to the craft itself and anyone who has ever picked up a pen.
All in all a truly ghastly spectacle. Possibly the worst film in the history of cinema and I don’t say that lightly.