HBO ANNOUNCES MORGAN FREEMAN SPECIAL

HOLLYWOOD – HBO yesterday announced as part of its Fall scheduling a new eight part series starring Morgan Freeman and entitled Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book.

Each episode will feature the Shawshank Redemption star and Oscar winner sitting on a comfortable stool – ‘like a bar stool’ – and reading from the telephone book.

‘People have been saying that I have a mellifluous honey toned voice,’ Mr Freeman said. ‘And more than once someone has said to me, I could listen to you read from the phone book. So I got to thinking… Why not.’ 

Of course the concept isn’t entirely original. One of the television highlights of last year was the HBO special, ‘Sir Ian McKellen Sits in a Comfy Armchair and Reads the Yellow Pages.’ Producer Sally Arlow said that audience figures were through the roof so a follow up was almost inevitable. ‘But whereas Sir Ian brings with him the Gandalfy Shakespearey Englishness, we had a lot of conversations with Morgan about making his 8 part series a specifically American experience. Hence the stool.’

‘The show is not going to appeal to everyone,’ says Ms. Arlow. ‘The iPhone generation, people with computers, Google, that sort of person. But there is still an audience of perhaps more traditional, very sleepy people who wish to doze in front of the television while Morgan Freeman reads from the phone book.’

Although the exact identity of the phone book has not been revealed, there are already plans afoot for similar programming should Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book prove a success.

Dame Judi Dench has expressed an interest in reading out John Deere Tractors Owner Manuals while sitting in a wicker chair. And John Malkovich has just signed on for a new NBC programme entitled: John Malkovich Sits in a Jacuzzi and Reads out Wikipedia Entries of Long Forgotten Boy Bands from the 1980s.

Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book will show this Fall.


TWELVE CGI HORSES KILLED IN MAKING OF NEW BEN-HUR

HOLLYWOOD – Animal rights groups were today protesting after it was revealed that twelve CGI horses were killed during the filming of the chariot race for the new Ben-Hur movie.

When the new trailer for Ben-Hur dropped earlier this week, many were impressed by the chariot race footage which featured, leading many to bin their old copies of the Charlton Heston version. However, new began to leak from the production that twelve CGI horses had been killed during the making of the fast paced sequence. One source close to the film told the Studio Exec:

It was terrible. Of course we had sequences with live actors and real horses but the most dangerous stuff was left to the CGI horses and it was here that the toll was enormous. I saw ten horses killed with my own eyes during the chariot race and I heard that two others were later deleted after they were found to be lame.

Timur Bekmambetov, the film’s director, responded brusquely to the accusations:

Listen, I’m making a film and I want it to be fantastic. I don’t care who gets hurt or what gets killed. The scene in the trailer with the guy strapped to the prow of the ship that rams the other ship – that CGI guy died every time we did a take and I insisted on fifteen takes. And you talk to me of horses? Pffffffttttoooo.

The CGI animal rights group – CGIARG – are calling on people to boycott the movie. CIARG recently came to prominence after they threw CGI blood on Leonardo DiCaprio at an Oscar after party to protest the treatment of CGI bears and horses in The Revenant.

Ben-Hur will be released in August, 2016.

STEVEN SEAGAL’S FEMINIST BOOK CLUB 2. JANE EYRE

HOLLYWOOD – Hi there, sisters. Steven Seagal here. Star of such films as Under Siege, Above the Law and Beside the Point.

Ha ha, I made that last one up. Anyway, as anyone will tell you in the business, film making involves a lot of hanging around. Some people use the time to goof around, overs take drugs to numb the pain – and yes, I’m looking at you Morgan Freeman. Me, I like to read my way through the feminist classics. Today, Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre!

The Bronte sisters lived in a remote village in Yorkshire, England and wrote books under intentionally ambiguous pseudonyms. Jane Eyre tells a semi-autobiographical story of a young girls growth and development into a woman. Something of an outcast, she is mistreated by her extended family and harshly dealt with at school. But despite this, she challenges her position and particularly the Byronic Mr. Rochester who is the father of her new charge and with whom she falls in love. Of course, Bronte’s reformist agenda is challenged by the suppressed revolutionary anger represented by Bertha Mason, the Madwoman in the Attic, who leant the title to that classic of feminist literary criticism by Gilbert and Gubar.

Given the context of its time, the book must have been a revelation, although now the plot seems to be the template for a thousand inferior romantic fantasies: ‘I married him, reader.’ As such it has a historical resonance rather than offering the feminist of today useful insights. as for bone crunching action, there are very few fights and no Akido whatsoever. Actually there are no fights at all. No Karate, no Kendo and no Judo. The one exciting scene – a fire and a suicide and a maiming – happens off page so to speak.

So to cap off.
Feminism: problematic but gripping: 8
Martial Arts: little or none: 2
Total: 5 

For more of Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Group Click Here. 

MORGAN FREEMAN TO STAR IN REEFER MADNESS

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winning actor Morgan Freeman is to star in what is being described as a tongue-in-cheek postmodern take on 1930s cult classic Reefer Madness.

Morgan Freeman will play Dr. Alfred Carroll, a high school principle who tries to instruct parents of the danger that soft drugs pose for their children. The 1936 original was directed by Louis J Gasnier and financed by a church organisation was straight forward anti-drugs propaganda. The new version will be directed by Kevin Smith and is being described as an ironic take on anti-drugs hysteria.

Morgan Freeman dropped by to the Studio Exec bungalow earlier today to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film:

The thing is Kevin, Kevin Smith, he has such a … vision. You know. He can see things. I’ve always admired that. I saw Clerks and I thought I really want to work with this cat, but we never had a project we can do together but then I thought what if we found a project and the one we could make, but I wouldn’t know which one, not really. I mean I’m kind of hungry. Are you guys hungry? What have you got for snacks?

Just these M&Ms Terrence Malick left. Here you go.

Oh, very cool. Yeah so we had the project set up and we thought the script was pretty funny. I mean not laugh out loud funny, but you know think about it and smile funny. A long dreamy smile. And we said who shall we get to direct it and I thought I honestly don’t know . And then someone –  I think it was me – said, Kevin Smith. And I said, what film has he done? And then I remembered, he did Clerks! I dug that movie. I’m just going to lie here. Oh wait my hand has gone to sleep. These M&Ms don’t have peanuts in them.

No. They’re chocolate M&Ms.

Oh that’s cool. What did Terry say when he had them?

He freaked out.

I’m not surprised. If Terry don’t get his peanut M&Ms he goes ballistic. He’s some crazy loon. Did you see Tree of Life?

Yeah. 

And?

Didn’t make much sense.

Did you see it stoned?

No. 

No? Well, let me tell you, it makes even less sense when you’re stoned! Ha ha ha! [15 minutes of giggles].

Reefer Madness will be released in 2018.

LAST KNIGHTS: REVIEW

LAST KNIGHTS: REVIEW – Morgan Freeman and Clive Owen star in a load sword and shouting rubbish for money.

The times are dark and unspecific, Games of Throne-y but without dragons. The realm is an Empire stretching across national boundaries in a way that coincidentally reflects the multinational co-producers who came together to finance this film. The men are a band of amazingly cool at fighting knights who are also racially, ethnically and religiously diverse in a PC way to appeal to as many markets as possible as inoffensively as possible. The men are bound by a strict code of honor about killing lots of people in the most generic way possible.

Old Baron Bartokles (Morgan Freeman) is bored of good acting and so decides to ham it up and enjoy himself. He is a nobleman who in his autumn years has decided to disavow the hereditary principle, the idea of an aristocracy, corruption and all the things he’s been fine with for the previous years. Being a bit grumpy, he rubs the Emperor and his ministers the wrong way and soon finds himself on the sharp end of a beheading. His loyal servant Rickleshin (Clive Owen) and his unmerry men are scattered and apparently hopeless, but will they manage to get revenge, or will Rickleshin go back to his old bad drinking ways?

Yes, they’ll get revenge. Shit, I’ve said it. SPOILER! Oops, but believe me I’ve saved you two hours of your life. The dialogue seems to have been written for translation into another unearthly language, a kind of filmic Esperanto and it is spoken with the conviction of actors who look happy to be overdubbed. The action is okay, but has none of the kinetic madness of 13 Assassins, which is obviously an influence, and the story plods along in a caperish way, hitting fairly predictable beats and asking you to care for a bunch of characters who are little more than ciphers – young man, older man, etc. By far the best thing about the film is the title Last Knights, because it has a pun of the quality not seen since Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise ruled the multiplex together.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

GOOGLE LAUNCH MORGAN FREEMAN APP

HOLLYWOOD – Internet giants Google have launched a new app to go with their Google Glass device which will change the voice in your head when you think to that of actor Morgan Freeman

A spokesperson for Google said:

The technology has always been there. It was actually developed in the 1960s when they were going to use Julie Andrews singing everything you think against communist spies, political dissidents and Anti-War protesters. The army mothballed the idea over human rights concerns but when we picked up on it we decided the time had come.  

How does it work?

It’s quite simple. Your brain is just a series of electrical signals. In a micro-second we record the signals, dub over Mr. Freeman’s voice and then reinsert them with no perceptible lag. You’ll be thinking in golden sonorous tones before long. 

Will this actually change the nature of your thoughts?

Ha ha ha. Yes. 

How?

We’ve run extensive tests and we’ve found no matter who the subject is young, old, male or female, black or white, they always become incredible wise, a little sad and wistfully humorous. Like they’ve seen enough of the human comedy to allow a certain wry distance between themselves and the shenanigans that surround them.

The Google Morgan Freeman App will only be available as an add on for Google Glass at the moment, although it is widely reported that Apple are developing a similar application with the voice of Liam Neeson, but everyone agrees that at the moment it’s just scaring people with a phrase about him having ‘a particular set of skills’. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – Following his amazing performance in Wally Pfister’s Transcendence, Johnny Depp is back to take over the world but what do we really know about him? We uploaded the FACT program and now have brought about a post-technological apoca-FACT!

1. Johnny Depp used to be an actor!

2. When Johnny Depp was seven years old, he stole some raspberries from a local grocery store, but felt guilty about it and took them back. No one had noticed the theft, nor little Johnny putting the raspberries back. Johnny never told anyone about the incident. In fact, he has no recollection of it, so it’s almost as if the event itself – which had no impact on how his life turned out – is vanishingly unimportant. And yet it is a fact.

3. Johnny Depp has had romances with some of the most beautiful young women in the world, including Winona Ryder, Queen Elizabeth II of England, Winnie Mandela, Vanessa Paradis and now the delightful Morgan Freeman.

4. In the industry, Johnny Depp’s nickname is Poster Boy, because of his tendency to steal the poster from any one else in the film, even poor Mia Wasikowska who played the lead role in Alice in Wonderland had the poster stolen from her. This led to a plot by Armie Hammer and Orlando Bloom to assassinate the Poster Boy which luckily was foiled.

5. Johnny Depp’s most popular character, beloved of children everywhere and a popular addition to any fancy dress party is Donnie Brasco. 

For more FACTS of any kind, but especial the FACTual Click Here. 

TOM CRUISE TURNS INTO A PILLAR OF FIRE

LOS ANGELES – Star of Eyes Wide Shut and Cocktail, diminutive Scientologist and actor Tom Cruise recently wowed fans and amazed reporters by turning into a pillar of fire.

The transformation took place during the Hollywood premiere of his new film Oblivion. Accompanied by co-stars Morgan Freeman and Andrea Riseborough, Cruise appeared looking smart and refreshed in a grey polo neck and jacket. He was signing autographs and posing for photographers when he turned into the pillar of fire and levitated above the red carpet for several minutes before returning to his human form, leaving a burnt brown track mark on the carpet.

‘The fire was pumpkin orange and reached up to my waist,’ one astonished onlooker told the Hollywood Reporter, who for reasons of corporate cowardice decided not to report the story. Joseph Kosinski told the Studio Exec exclusively that his star had been practicing the effect for days:

Shortly beforehand

Tom is a very private man, so I’m not sure how much his turning into a pillar of fire has to do with Scientology, but I am sure that he is 100% committed and sincere about everything he does, including our film, which despite the efforts of assholes like you is still making a lot of money.

 However, some of Cruise’s critics including the president of the Anti-Tom Cruise Guild (AKA Cruise Control), Peter Sand said:

To call it a pillar would be a gross exaggeration. It was a coffee table of fire. And he managed to sustain that pitiful display for literally six minutes, not the several minutes some places have reported. 

Oblivion is a film. Read our review HERE.

SCRIPT LEAK:THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION 2

Ext: Saywatanyo beach.

ANDY DUFRESNE HAS AGED 30 YEARS AND IS NOW BALDING WITH A LONG WHITE BEARD. HE’S STILL SANDING THE SAME BOAT HE WAS WORKING ON AT THE END OF THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

                 Andy
You were right Red. All it takes is patience and time.

ANDY PUTS DOWN THE SAND PAPER

                 Andy
     There. Finished. What do you think?

THE CAMERA PANS TO A SKELETON HALF BURIED IN THE SAND HOLDING A SUITCASE AND WEARING RED’S SHIRT AND TIE.

                 Andy
Oh F*ck. And to think I was going to ask him to marry me.

ANDY PRODUCES A REVOLVER FROM HIS POCKET, PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH AND PULLS THE TRIGGER.


OBAMA PROMISES METEOR HIT
















WASHINGTON – The 44th President of the United States Barack H. Obama promised during his second inauguration that more work would be done to place the Earth in the path of an asteroid.
‘I recognize many thought my first term timid in avoiding a collision with a space rock the size of Kansas,’ said President Obama. ‘But I promise  you, Robert Duvall and Bruce Willis are ready to join forces and NASA is currently rushing to identify an asteroid that would put us in danger and give us all a new sense of perspective about how petty our squabbles are when faced with immediate irrevocable extinction.’


The GOP were quick to respond, criticizing the President for playing what they called the ‘Morgan Freeman card.’ John Boehner said, ‘What we need is someone more like Stanley Anderson or perhaps Dennis Quaid. And instead of an asteroid, perhaps a giant blob or dinosaurs escaped from one of Spielberg’s camps.’

Others accused the President however of not being radical enough. ‘He says he wants to be on a collision course,’ said Sean Penn. ‘But then he is also willing to bring out the cowboys to save the day. They would then destroy the asteroid probably with nuclear weapons, causing great environmental damage to the asteroid.’ 

HOLLYWOOD UNCUT: JESSICA TANDY’S DELETED SCENES












The ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ sex scene.
The Oscar winning feel good film might not be regarded as quite the family favourite if Beresford had not been forced to cut a love scene between Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy.

We spent three days filming that scene” said a reflective Beresford.

It was all tastefully shot and although you saw Morgan’s erect penis briefly the studios main objection was Tandy’s lack of pubic hair. They said a 70 year old church going woman would have a thick, matted bush and a shaven crotch suggested she was a bit slutty which wasn’t in keeping with the character. Jessica offered to grow it out so we could re-shoot but we ran out of time.


The ‘Batteries not Included’ crack scene.

The tale of miniature aliens who visit the residents of an apartment block on the verge of demolition was, according to co-writer Brad Bird, originally much darker in tone.

In my first draft Tandy’s character was a crack addict and I wrote this great scene in which her character lights up a rock to the sound of Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit. The little aliens got a little high off the fumes and started fighting with each other and when she realised her addiction had caused the violence, she decides to quit.”

Bird said he really fought for the scene but executive producer Steven Spielberg insisted it was cut.

Steven had a no drugs policy back then” said Bird. “ Which is weird considering 1941 was obviously made by someone who heavily abusing all manner of substances.”


The ‘Cocoon’ orgy scene.

Back in 1989 Jack Nicholson said to New York post Journalist Ron Barba that he was on his way home to “ Do a couple of lines and watch the Cocoon Orgy scene.”. Barba assumed it was just another Nicholson joke but years later when he told the story to Cocoon director Ron Howard, he was amazed by his response.

Well actually we did film an orgy scene.” said a confessional Howard.

It took place in the swimming pool after the old people had been bathing. It was Don Ameche’s idea I think he had the hots for Jessica. Anyway everyone agreed it was a good idea and so I rolled the camera and let nature take it’s course. The studio didn’t go for it  but someone leaked the raw footage and I guess Nicholson got a copy. Though I did hear that Warren Beatty has been playing it on a loop in his living room for the last 27 years.


BALE BAILED

MIAMI – Christian Bale is once more a free man as he paid a $10,000 bail and had to put up with a number of strained puns from presiding judge, Justice R. Peters. However, the Rescue Dawn superstar is not completely out of the woods as more accusations were made today.
 Morgan Freeman – Bale’s co-star in the Dark Knight Trilogy – also accused the British born actor of having borrowed several box sets including the entire West Wing and the first two Six Feet Under seasons.

‘He also has my last season of Lost,’ said the Shawshanker (as Mr. Morgan prefers to be known). ‘But he can keep that.’

Mr. Bale’s trial is set to go ahead early next year and if found guilty, he could face the controversial ‘limb-utation’, which has only recently been assigned as a punishment to DVD Box Set Borrowing infringements.

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION: REVIEW










Sappy banker is thrown in the clink for a crime he didn’t commit and falls in love with a fellow inmate. Wanders around the prison yard like a man without a care in the world when he’s not tarring roofs or being sodomized. The Kraken from Highlander is disguised as a brutal prison guard seemingly under the impression that Tim Robbins is Christopher Lambert. 



Poignant scenes of friendship formed under duress and triumphs of the human spirit but lacks sword fighting and decapitations. Everyone escapes in the end to the planet Saywatanyo and spends the rest of their days sanding boats. Regularly voted the greatest film of time and directly responsible for the increase in homosexuality in the last 20 years. Watch if you’re thinking about killing yourself and you’ll be convinced life is worth living for about a week. Magic.