NIC CAGE INVESTMENT SCHOOL OPENS ONLINE

Advertisement – The Studio Exec is proud to endorse the Nic Cage Investment School as it opens for business online. Do you want to live like a movie star? Do you want to live in a fantasy world of outrageous extravagance that may or may not all come crashing down around your ears at any given moment? Then the Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) is the fun fiduciary finishing school for you.

 

Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) – Kerching Baby!

For just one up-front fee of $500 and a further instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments) the NCIS will teach you the secrets of how to buy a fleet of sports cars you will never see in the flesh, let alone drive. Are you fed up with living in that spacious family home? THEN BUY A FUCKING ISLAND, LOSER. By investing in the Nic Cage Investment School, you will then be granted the golden key (not actual gold, with no monetary value whatsoever and is a choking hazard to those under the age of 10 and over the age of 65) to unlock the secrets to untold wealth and carefree living.

To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money 

With your one-off fee and instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments. And we are VERY litigious) Nic Cage will connect with you personally (personally means an online, non-responsive, animated figure of Nic, voiced by a third party) and teach you exactly how he made millions and millions of dollars. Then he will teach you how to disregard ‘advice’, ‘sincere warnings’ and ‘well-meaning interventions’ from management, family and trusted friends.

Quantity Is Quality

And The NCIS isn’t just about the good times. There is a very small chance (absolute certainty) the good times may catch you up. Your world may (will) come crashing down around you. But don’t fret, Nic will (wont) help you build your life and career back up again. He’ll teach you to take any shitty part that comes along, so long as it pays well.

The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now

TERRENCE MALICK TO DIRECT BOND 25

HOLLYWOOD – Although Spectre hasn’t yet been released talk is already rife about the follow up Bond film, known simply as Bond 25.

Daniel Craig recently confirmed that he would be signing on for another two Bond films, which will make him the third most Bond of the Bond actors to have played Bond, after Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

A massive explosion of news on Bond 24 came with the confirmation that Terry ‘The Machine’ Malick will be taking on directorial duties for the latest installment of the most popular action franchises in cinema history. Malick first made his name with Badlands back in 1973 and then became notorious for the time between projects: there was a gap of some twenty years between Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998). 

Daniel Craig greeted the announcement with some confusion: ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. However, the producers have made a habit of taking directors from smaller independent films and giving them the reigns: Sam Mendes being the latest example of this.

Although Malick has not himself commented on this latest project, a spokesperson close to him said that ‘Terry is looking forward to exploring 007’s spiritual dimension. There will be guns, gadgets and girls, but there will also be whispered voice overs imploring an ineffable god for signs of grace as well as magic hour photography and perhaps even a dinosaur or two.’


Estonian composer Arvo Part has also been added to the team to provide a stirring minimalist soundtrack. The film is not due for release until at the earliest 2016 and so time enough for Terry (at his current rate) to make another 6 or 7 films.

HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec is sick and tired of the bull crap that passes for screenplays in this town.

Not to mention all the messages and emails about screenplays that assholes have written and they have the audacity to ask the Exec to put on his bifocals and actually ingest this sopping filth. So he – in his fifteen percent wisdom – has decided to give all you aspiring Barton Finks some simple rules for you to follow.
  1. Have a story to tell you really don’t care about. Horrible things are going to happen to that story so it’s better you ain’t too invested. Never write about something that happened to you. You are really boring. Don’t make me fucking tell you. Use the Glen L Larson approach, copy something you like from film for a TV show or you like on television and put it in a feature format.
  2. Remember the three act structure and the character arc and denouements and stuff. Not for when you’re writing but for when you’re talking about writing.
  3. Originality is a cancer. Stamp it out from the very get go. Clichés are your bread and butter. Traffic cops only stop cars with bodies in the trunk. Funerals happen in the rain. Couples walk and talk in parks. When your protagonist is undecided have him sit in view of a bridge. Anger should be expressed by trashing a desk or punching the steering wheel. If someone’s a recovering alcoholic in Act One, they have to go on a bender in Act Three (that’s Chekov!)
  4. Give up on your dreams. Accept that statistically you’re never going to make it. All that bull crap about persistence and never giving up on your dream is horse shit. 99% don’t make it regardless of persistence and never giving up on your dreams. If you enjoy the process, good for you, otherwise it ain’t worth the butt ache.
  5. Finally, don’t send it to me. Believe me, we tolerate agents because they’re only slightly less odious pits of scum than writers. They’re filters. They man the barricades. Get yourself a good one and he can break my balls so you don’t have to.
Oh and put a colon in the middle of your title so we think you’re on to a franchise. Now, get out of my Goddam face!

BRETT RATNER REBOOTS THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Brett Ratner announced plans to remake Krzysztof Kieslowski’s prestigious Three Colors Trilogy. The Rush Hour 2 director said he loved the originals and wanted his versions to be thought of as a homage to the genius of the Polish director’s vision.

But whilst admiring the complex themes and often striking cinematography Ratner always thought ‘there was too much reading involved’ so his version is going to be in American. Kieslowski’s triptych of films was based on the colors of the French flag (blue, white and red) and each story was loosely based on Liberty, Equality and Fraternity: the motto of post-revolutionary France. Ratner has already declared that he will reverse the order to red, white and blue, because ‘you know, our flag, red, white and blue thing.’ The original trilogy also features outstanding performances from the actresses Juliet Binoche, Julie Delpy and Irene Jacob.

‘Casting is everything,’ Mr. Ratner said. ‘We have Julia Roberts, Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox already on  board.’

The first of the trilogy, Three Colors: Red, will be directed by Brett Ratner, whereas Three Colors: White and Three: Colors Blue will be given to guest director while Brett Ratner takes on an executive producing role.

Brett Ratner’s Three Colors: Red will be released in 2015.