HOLLYWOOD – As we enter 2013, Studio Exec casts a jaundiced eye over the young faces of yesteryear and asks where are they now.
Garfield was once everyone’s favorite cat, but soon he caught the eye of madman mogul Donald Trump who took a liking to the autumnal coloring of the animal’s fur, and thought it’d be a perfect addition to his follicle folly. Before you could say ‘You’re Fired!’ he had the moggy hunted, killed and skinned and the pelt lowered via helicopter onto his otherwise gleaming pate.
It’s been an interesting 2012 for Star Trek actor Paul Ryan, more familiar to viewers as comedy robot Data. With the cancellation of the television series and no more films in the offing, Ryan wiped off the make up and ran for the US Senate, putting his computational skills and way out charisma to another use as the running mate of Mitt Romney. ‘I was there to make Mitt look human,’ admitted Ryan later.
Many worried about the fate of young Billy Elliot once the popular film was over. Having danced his way into everyone’s hearts, it was obvious he was going to become an obnoxious drunk, but never fear. Liverpool Football Club (or Soccer team) took him on as a midfielder and he’s doing very well for himself! Go you Reds!
NEW YORK – In what is widely being seen as a big up yours to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the Children Television Workshop have announced a brand new motion picture based on the popular educational television series. Jack Black will appear due to a clause in his contract that obliges every studio to put him in films whenever he wants. ‘We don’t want him,’ said a studio exec. ‘But his agent has our balls in a vice over this.’
The announcement came as fresh revelations about Big Bird came in. He was caught on camera early last week playing golf despite the fact he has been claiming a disability pension for three years because of ‘chronic eyesight problems.’ Big Bird blithely dismissed the charges of fraud saying, ‘If you saw that drive on the 14th freeway you’d know for a fact I was medically blind.’
The film will be directed by David Lynch, who has abandoned the Shia project in order to ‘fulfil a childhood dream.’
UTAH – In a telephone call to donors, Governor and almost President Mitt Romney explained his failed bid for the White House by pointing the finger at one large fellow: Meatloaf.
‘With an election as close as this one any minor change can have a huge effect on the result,’ said Romney. ‘And when that fat oaf lumbered on stage, I knew the gig was up.’
Romney’s campaign was already struggling to rescue momentum upset by the twin setbacks of Hurricane Sandy and the widespread rumor that Lindsay Lohan was going to declare for the Romney camp.
I did my best to distance myself from the Lindsay Lohan endorsement and Adam Sandler as well. Andy Garcia was for me and he was great in The Untouchables but people remember him for being in the worst Godfather movie. But that night in Defiance, Ohio, when Meatloaf took the stage, I knew I no longer had a Bat out of Hell’s chance.
Meatloaf was unavailable for comment.
|Get out of my face LOHAN! screams Mitt
UTAH – Mitt Romney has stunned the world of show business by publicly rejecting an endorsement from Lindsay Lohan. Romney in a statement released this evening said that ‘While I appreciate Ms. Lohan’s gesture and especially her early work when her face still looked normal, I feel that I must reject her endorsement as she is not the kind of voter I am looking for.’
‘Usually politicians do everything in their power to gain endorsements and win votes from whoever they can,’ says Herb Minkle political strategist and pollster. ‘Hollywood stars, public figures and athletes are particularly sough after, but in this case the Romney camp obviously felt Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so much an accident waiting to happen as an accident that had begun happening, was in the midst of happening and might continue happening for some time.’
The Obama camp have already begun to use Lindsay Lohan in a series of attack ads entitled ‘Don’t do a Lohan: Vote Obama!’
WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave a press conference yesterday, outlining his own plans to deal with rogue director Michael Bay’s recent invasion of Vietnam.
“I think this situation has to be nipped in the bud pretty quickly,” said a statesmanlike Romney.
Bay is burrowed in the US Embassy in Saigon like an Alabama tick and unless we resort to extreme measures, his forces will spread into Cambodia, Laos and the rest of East Asia. This wanton aggression can no longer be tolerated and I firmly believe this maniac should be stopped in his tracks before it’s too late. President Obama has been shilly-shallying on this issue and his strategy, like his presidency, has been weak and ineffective. What this country needs is a strong leader who can make the tough decisions and if I were commander and chief, I would order a full scale nuclear strike on Bay’s position without delay.
Romney’s drastic plan was immediately dismissed by the White House as being “Fucking Stupid” and President Obama quickly organised his own press conference to assure the worlds media that he has his own plan to bring Bay to justice.
“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit,” said a pensive Obama.
“These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. We have a problem, and no one else can help, so if you can find them. Maybe we can hire the A-Team.”
With the politicians seemingly unable to agree on a strategy rumour has it that Hollywood has decided to take matters into its own hands and a special unit of actors, led by Sean Penn, has been smuggled over the Vietnamese border and are making their way to the capital.
For more news on the rapidly escalating conflict check out @studioexec1
|Wake the Fuck Up
WASHINGTON – Samuel L. Jackson has confirmed that he will coach President Barack Obama in preparation for his second debate with Governor Romney on October 16th.
The Long Kiss Goodnight and Snakes on the Plane actor said:
You can expect a lot more profanity that’s for damned sure. And a generally more aggressive approach, especially to foreign policy talking points. And if Romney tries any of that jive bullshit about the Presidential record, we gonna bitch slap that motherfucker with the latest unemployment figures and the fact Obama is the fucking Ninja who popped a cap in Osama Bin Laden’s eye hole.
Jackson has already contributed to the election with a special ‘Wake the Fuck Up’ video that became a viral internet hit.
Romney’s camp has responded that they will continue with their winning tactic of an intense torture porn diet (read here) and maybe let Mitt go one on one with Freddy Kreuger actor Robert Englund.
WASHINGTON – Responding to a massive swell in popular opinion and a Kickstarter campaign, both President Obama and Governor Romney expressed their support for an ‘Adam Sandler Stay at Home Bill’ in the next legislature.
Bi-partisan support was expressed during the debate in Denver last night when moderator Jim Lehrer asked both candidates ‘What should be done about Sandler?’ For once the bickering and arguing stopped as both candidates pledged to oversee a law which would see the Jack and Jill comedian forced to stay at home ‘possibly reading magazines, why not?’ and not make movies.
‘Have either of you ever seen an Adam Sandler movie?’ Lehrer followed up. Romney looked pained and admitted to having seen one, ‘I was on a long flight,’ he pleaded.
Obama in his one gaffe of the night replied ‘Fuck no.’
Mr Sandler said that the whole thing was laughable and throughout his whole career he had successfully avoided anything that was laughable.
WASHINGTON – An aid to Governor Romney said that in preparation to tonight’s historic Presidential debate, the Romney camp screened the Hostel trilogy and The Human Centipede: 1 & 2.
‘We did start by you know doing talking points and memorizing statistics, but then Mitt got bored and so to get him in the zone we watched some splatter,’ said Tobe Mickell.
The move seems to have been taken straight from the Obama camp playbook where it is well known that President Obama often indulges in Saw marathons before keynote speeches.
WASHINGTON – In a shock turnaround, Sean Penn has publicly endorsed Mitt Romney for President at a rally in Tampa earlier today.
The My Name is Sam star and famed radical activist and campaigner explained his change of heart to a packed crowd at a Mitt is It rally. ‘I realised how much I earn,’ Penn blustered. ‘So fuck yeah, he’s got my vote.’
Penn joins a whole barrage of erstwhile liberals in lining up behind the Mittster who has promised cut taxes and allow poor people to be legally hunted as game.
Michael Moore said earlier this week that being right wing and crazy ‘was just more funny’. And Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon said they believed that many stars were attracted to Romney’s lack of charisma.
‘You hang around show people all the time with their humor and excitement and sparkling conversation and it’s tiring,’ the Rocky Horror Picture Show strumpet remarked. ‘With Mr. Romney you’re safe from any danger of being remotely interested in anything he has to say.’
Some have linked Penn’s change of heart to the fact that although he was definitely gay in Milk, he appears to be married in This is not the Place. Whilst many see this as further evidence that Mitt Romney is in fact a character created by Sacha Baron Cohen for a new comedy film.
LONDON – Sacha Baron Cohen has come out today and explicitly denied that he is in fact Mitt Romney.
‘I am not Mitt Romney,’ he said reading from a prepared statement via satellite phone. ‘I am not pretending to be a character named Mitt Romney, a buffoonish right winger who keeps dropping hilarious clangers. This is not a character who will appear in my new movie Mitt Romney: Borat Comes Home, in cinemas nationwide from March 2013. That is all I have to say.’
Cohen – famous for his outrageous satirical creations such as Borat, Ali G and Bruno – has more recently appeared in less prank-style and more conventional features such as Hugo and The Dictator. However, rumors spread that he was preparing a return to the punk’d territory with which he made his name when some people noted that Mitt Romney’s head looked like it was being worn by a comic actor who was uttering the most laughable bile.
Following a series of gaffs – something about Libya and something else about people who are so stupid that they don’t even have one million dollars – the rumours began to be taken more seriously. Larry David – a keen Cohen fan – said today ‘It’s obvious that this is Sacha. In a way I’m a little disappointed. I expect a little bit more subtlety from the man.’
“Mitt Romney” refused to comment.