AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT

BREAKING NEWS – The AFI erasing Jon Voight from every film he has appeared in stems from his right wing defamatory comments released in videos over the last few years.

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT – CANCEL CULTURE CLUB?

The controversial move came just hours after Voight released another right rambling video, demanding President Biden is impeached. Previous videos from the actor stated his support for Trump’s widespread election fraud baseless claims and ‘leftists’ were in league with Satan. The new AFI Chairperson, Pauly Shore said, “Look, we can’t put up with this kind of shit any longer. Yeah, yeah, freedom of speech, blah, blah. But come one, there’s limits. He’s just peddling conspiracy gibberish that’s triggering fuckwit fascists around the country. This shit has to stop.

AU REVOIR VOIGHT

We have taken the decision to basically remove this mother fucker from every film he’s ever been in. Ground-breaking new CGI technology means we have been able to remove his presence from any film he ever appeared in. To be honest, the results were even more positive than we’d hoped for.

TOM CRUISE RUNNING – NO CHANGE THERE

Runaway Train will now be about two people who are victims of mechanical failure on a train. Mission Impossible will be Tom Cruise running around looking confused for no reason, so no real change there. Coming Home will be a rom-com where Jane Fonda is obsessed with an empty wheelchair and falls in love with Bruce Dern, which is kinda nice. The Odessa file will be about a bunch of Nazis who eventually turn themselves in. And finally The Champ will now just be about a kid who gets really upset by a shadow boxing performance artist.

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Luckily, he’s done fuck all that anyone would want to see for the last 20 years, so we don’t even have to bother with anything modern. Seriously, who gives shit? Am I right? Am I right? We’ll put the films out as a box set, just to serve as a warning to any fucking celeb idiots out there. This shit will not stand, man.

THE ALT-VOIGHT BOX SET WILL SHORTLY BE AVAILABLE ONLINE

COCKTAIL II: BINGE DRINKER GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD: In the wake of the global runaway success of Top Gun: Maverick, another Tom Cruise legacy sequel has been announced. Cocktail II: Binge Drinker goes into production shortly. Cruise will reprise his role as barman, Brian Flannagan. Only in this movie, luck has not been on Brian’s side. We caught up with Cruise to discuss his latest challenge.

Tom, Thanks For Taking The Time To Speak With Us.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Can You Come Down Off The Couch, Please Tom. This Isn’t Oprah.

Sorry man. I’m just on a real high after making all the fucking money in the world. Now I finally know how James Cameron felt. I’m flying in the mother-fucking Thetan rocket, baby.

Tom. Please. Sit Down.

Ok, it’s cool, man. I’m sitting. Right, where were we?

You Were Going To Tell Us About Cocktail II: Binge Drinker?

Yeah, so the film continues to tell the story of barman supremo, Brian Flannagan. Only now, he’s down on his luck. Everyone he’s ever loved has left him. Jordan, who was played by Elisabeth Shue left him years ago.

So Elisabeth Isn’t In This Film?

No way, man. She’s really old now. We didn’t get Kelly McGillis in on Maverick and we aren’t going against my policy now. If the leading lady is the same age as me, she’s too fucking old. But anyway. Brian’s a real barfly these days. He’s one of those guys who just sits at the end of a bar, moaning about his kids who don’t want to see him. Think Jon Voight, but smells more of piss and booze. That’s me. I’ll tell ya, prep has been hard going. I’ve had to learn to drink a lot.

Where Did You Prepare For That?

In the UK, while we were shooting Mission Impossible 15, or whatever. Those fuckers can really drink over there. Have you seen Newcastle city center on a Saturday night? It’s like the last days of Rome, but everything smells of vomit and Doner Kebabs.

That Sounds Awful. Did You Join In?

Hell yeah. I can drink 9 pints of Newcastle Brown Ale without vomiting. I mean, they’re fucking nuts. No wonder they voted to leave the EU. They’re basically Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Those bastards have just pushed the big red self-destruct button. They’re just waiting for sweet oblivion. And that’s what the movie is like.

It Sounds Terrible.

Yeah? Well I got a billion dollars, so fuck you.

Tom Cruise Is Currently Appearing In Top Gun: Maverick

TOM CRUISE DENIED OVERCOMPENSATING

EXCLUSIVE – In a Studio Exec exclusive interview Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for ANYTHING. We sat down with the Mission Impossible star to talk about the next two movies in the series. It was then Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for anything with his extreme stunts.

Tom Tell Us About Your Next Mission Impossible Movie

You know I can’t tell you anything in any great detail. But what I can guarantee is there will be wild and crazy stunts that would make those Jackass, err Jackasses soil their athletic cups. We’re going bigger, faster and much longer than before.

What Do You Say To People Who Say Tom Cruise Is Overcompensating?

Overcompensating? For what? I’m the biggest movie star in the world. The BIGGEST! You hear me? I say, stick ‘em up, lemme at ‘em. I loved Scrappy-Doo. Anyone who talks shit about him deserves everything they got coming to ‘em.

But All The Rock Climbing, Abseiling, HALO Jumps and Motorbike Stunts, What Does That Say To Anyone?

It says I’m the dominant Thetan on this planet, baby. That Miscavige might think he’s the Daddy, but I’m the Daddy in this manor. Is your antennae receiving this message? I’m OT VIII. I got my certificate framed up on the wall and everything. It’s right next to my Wichita University Of Performing Arts Correspondence Course certificate.

Is It True MI: 7 & 8 Will Be Your Farewell To The Franchise?

Absolutely, it will be. Yes. I mean, it gets kind of ridiculous after a certain age, expecting me to throw myself from buildings and fight people the size of Henry Cavill.

Ha-ha-ha, Yes. It Did Look A Bit Funny When You Were Stood Next To Him.

I meant, it would look ridiculous when I’m in my 70s. But not now. What the f**k are you implying? Why would you say such a thing to me? Let me get my standing-on box, so I can look you in the eye while I tell why that was so rude.

Mission Impossible: 7 Is Due Out In 2023

NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

LEONARDO DICAPRIO COLONOSCOPY NFT FLOP

HOLLYWOOD – As news breaks of the Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT prices flopping, it has led many to speculate the bottom has fallen out of the market. The auction held at Christie’s of the Leonardo DiCaprio colonoscopy NFTs was expected to fetch exorbitant prices. But even the most revealing shots went for only ‘a couple of bucks a piece’ according to a Christie’s spokesperson.

Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT Going Cheap

Auction goers were shocked to see hardly any interest in the NFTs of the Inception and Titanic star. An insider told The Exec, ‘It was meant to be a chance for DiCaprio’s fans the world around to get to know him inside out. In an ideal world, he would want all his young fans to know him this well personally. But there’s only so much of Leo to go around. That’s why we were so shocked when nobody paid through the ass for his ass.’

WTF Is A NFT?

For those of you who are behind with the times or just too poor to care and have actual problems to deal with, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Token. It pretty much means it’s a unique piece of digital macguffinary, a whodgiemaflip and flibberty-gibbert. It’s temporarily better than a Bitcoin because trust fund idiots will pay a great deal more for them. Or at least they did until now.

DiCaprio’s Ass Bubble Digitally Bursts

With DiCaprio’s colonoscopy NFTs failing to raise any interest and more importantly, money for the star, many are speculating this digital bubble has burst. Like Bitcoins, Celebrity Nudes and Tamagotchis, these once treasured digital phenomena have been consigned to the tech scrapheap. Nobody gives a digital shit anymore.

Return Of DiCap

But this latest setback isn’t deterring Hollywood from trying to squeeze every last digital dime out of us salivating canine consumers yet. DiCaprio’s people have just announced a new line of HFTs – Highly-Fungible Tokens. These will be pieces of digital art you and your billionaire buddies will be able to buy, at a premium, of course. They will then only exist for a very short time before they self-destruct. And cue the Lalo Schifrin Mission Impossible theme.

DiCaprio’s HFTs Will Be Available Online Shortly

A CINEMATIC RUNNING GUIDE

The Exec is proud to present A Cinematic Running Guide. We break down all the elements required to make sure the running in your film is up to speed. A Cinematic Running Guide is presented in proud association with NIKE. NIKE, just fucking do it already.

A Cinematic Running Guide, Nay A History

Since the burgeoning cinema at the start of the 20th Century, film makers have captured running in all its forms. From Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin to Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, men, women and children have run on screen. Sometimes towards the camera, sometimes away and sometimes they even ran across the shot. Cinema audiences around the world have been thrilled in whichever direction people could run in films.

And ACTION!

With the introduction of sound, running in movies became an even more immersive experience. Hollywood film makers such as Hitchcock used it to great effect in action sequences. Take North By Northwest, Hitchcock uses running towards camera AND away from a fucking plane to create an iconic scene. Without running, this scene would have been dog shit.

It’s All About The Running

Take Tony Richardson’s run-fest, The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner. It came just three years after North By Northwest, but already running is in the title and features heavily as a plot device and arty-farty metaphor. Ok Tony, you went to Oxford, we get it already, jeez!

But Where’s The Chariot?

Fast forward to the early 80s and running is now the entire narrative in Hugh Hudson’s Oscar winning Chariots Of Fire. But audiences were left confused because there were no chariots to be seen anywhere. What’s wrong with these crazy Brits?

Blockbuster Running

With boxing underdog movie Rocky, Sylvester Stallone took running to new, heroic heights. Sly continued to fly the flag for heroic running (mainly toward camera but away from the exploding whatever) in films as diverse as First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II and the inexplicably titled Rambo III. There was no Rambo II. What the fuck Sly?

Nice Try Arnie

Other blockbuster action stars tried to get in on the running, but with less success. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried with a bit of running in Conan The Barbarian. But this was mainly across the shot, which was proven to be the least effective. He even tried using running in one of his titles, The Running Man. But all anyone remembers about that film is how piss poor Mic Fleetwood was in it. I’ll be back? Nah, you’re ok man. Stay where you are.

The Running King

And now we come to the undisputed king of running in movies: Tom Cruise. Cruise tried his hand at ‘acting’ in films such as The Color Of Money, Rain Man and Born On The Fourth Of July. But he found his little running feet in The Firm. Here, Cruise discovered he could thrill audiences the world over just by sprinting towards the camera and away from scary, cuddly uncle Wilford Brimley. But he really got up to pace three years later with Brian De Palma’s Mission Impossible. The legendary scene where Tom leaps away from exploding chewing gum on a fish tank is an all time running classic. The invention and the daring to not only run toward the camera and away from the water, but in slow-mo and then under the camera is ground-breaking. I mean… shit the bed shivers up my spine.

Running The Show

Since then, Cruise has gone from strength to strength. He can run on sand, on roads, rooves, through windows and even under water. He continues to thrill and astound audiences with his running. Hardly anyone has noticed he really can’t act. And he owes it all to running. Go figure.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE UNDERCOVER REPORT

The Exec is proud to present Mission Impossible Undercover Report. The Exec’s intrepid reporter, Miles Cravat has masqueraded as a lowly runner on the set of the upcoming Tom Cruise blockbuster. He now brings us this breathtaking expose of life on the set of one of the most anticipated films in years. He has travelled into the heart of darkness, at great risk to not only his health but also his sanity to bring us this two part Mission Impossible undercover report.

 

Mission Impossible Undercover Report – Apocalypse Cruise

 



The Exec Bungalow, shit, I’m still only in The Exec Bungalow. Everyone gets everything they want. I wanted an assignment, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice assignment. When it was over, I’d never want another one. I gotta stop listening to The Doors. If you’re not 14 years old or stoned, they’re terrible.

 

Never Get Out Of The Bungalow

 



I reported to The Exec’s main office at the Bungalow. He ground his cigar in his teeth as he spoke of rumors that Cruise was filming out there without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. I was to pick up his trail at Warner Bros Studios in Hertfordshire, about 20 clicks north of London. I wondered why The Exec was eating roast beef on such a hot day, but he told me to concentrate and keep my damned fingers off his roasted potatoes.

 

With Extreme Prejudice

 



I took a job as an Assistant Location Manager for the Mission Impossible location production office in leafy Hertfordshire. I was pretty sure someone could hook me up with an on-set runner’s job, so I could get in the shit. It was there that I met Sally Kilgore. She had been promoted from 2nd Unit Production Supervisor to Assistant Script Supervisor. Kilgore got the re-writes from McQuarrie’s office and was responsible for distribution. She was airborne man. Airborne, those crazy motherfuckers could get you in anywhere they goddamned pleased. They’d drop in rewrites that would screw everything up. They didn’t care about anything; catering, logistics, not a damned thing. As long as they could fly in and drop their shit on everyone, they were happy. And Sally Kilgore was the happiest of them all.

 

Smells Like… Catering Trucks

 



Kilgore said she could get me on set as a runner, but it would mean going up the M1 motorway. The shit can get pretty heavy where the M1 meets the M25. But Kilgore said she’d get us through. You could tell she really thrived on productions. Her eyes lit up at the thought of last minute changes to shooting schedules, corralling the extras or rewrites. She loved the rewrites. And she knew how to get us through the traffic, weaving in and out of the queueing vehicles. She would lean out of the window and shout ‘GET SOME’ as we flew by. She didn’t give a shit if it was Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now, she was insane.

 

Not The Redux

 



We stopped for gas at a service station about 2 clicks north of Luton. A real shit hole. It was there we met a French guy who talked for hours and hours about colonial legacies. What a drag. We’ll skip that bit and save it for the Redux. We then left the M1 and headed into deepest darkest Buckinghamshire. There were rumors of Cruise turning up there and setting up camp. We headed into the heart of darkness.

 

To be continued…

TOM CRUISE LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY TO BE THE SUBJECT OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise is to try and leave the Church of Scientology for the plot of Mission Impossible 6.

Director Christopher McQuarrie says that Mission Impossible 6 will be the first documentary in the series.

Every time we made a Mission Impossible film, Tom was always frustrated that the films never lived up to the title. The Mission was always possible even though it was called Mission Impossible. So we sat down and talked about what would be really impossible. Which was when David Miscavige telephoned and a light bulb when off in my head. What if we filmed Tom trying to leave the Church of Scientology? Impossible you say? Exactly!

 Employing a skeleton crew, Cruise will go on the run from his handlers early in the New Year and hopes to be classified as a Suppressive Person shortly thereafter. Then it will be his mission to some how stay out despite everything the church can do. McQuarrie says they don’t have a chance:

Tom really believes this stuff so I think we’re in for a really bumpy ride. But at least we’ll live up to the title on the poster for once.

Mission Impossible 6 will be released in 2018.

FIRST LOOK AT TOM CRUISE IN MUMMY REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – The first sneak peek has been leaked of Tom Cruise in the new Mummy reboot apparently titled Mummy Impossible.

The Tom Cruise version will be a mash up of the original Universal Mummy franchise and the highly successful Mission: Impossible series. As well as the diminutive Cruise, Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames are expected to star  alongside Brendon Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah and Arnold Vosloo.

Tiny Thetan Tom popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about the new mash up:

This is going to be great. What we’re looking at is actually a prequel. I play Ethan Hunt’s grandfather Jeremiah Hunt who is a tall explorer in Ancient Egypt before the outbreak of the First World War.

Sounds great.

With his crack team of experts, Jeremiah Hunt is on the trail of the legendary Brendan Fraser. Some say the Brendan Fraser is a myth a, others believe a terrible curse attends him. All that is sure is that once Brendan Fraser was a bankable star but following one bad film with Elizabeth Hurley, nothing has been seen of him for years.

Bedazzled?

You are? Well, that’s probably an engram. But don’t worry it can be cured with Dianetics and money.

Mummy: Impossible will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MATT DAMON DISCUSSES NEW BOURNE MOVIE AND REVEALS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon has discussed for the first time the new Bourne movie which he is to star in directed by Paul Greengrass.

After the mega-success of the Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon will play Bourne for the fourth time, following a less successful incarnation The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner, which existed in the same universe but did not feature Jason Bourne.  Matt Damon dropped by the Studio Exec Jacuzzi to discuss the new film, to be entitled The Bourne Austerity:

We’re still in very early stages, but I can tell you some stuff.  The first Bournes were very much a result of the Bush presidency and so we were in a War on Terror and black ops and that whole feeling of the US running rogue in the world. With Obama came a sense of hope, but now we have an austerity struck Europe and a US foreign policy that relies on massive surveillance which has also been used domestically.

So The Bourne Austerity is like a post-Snowden thriller?

Exactly. The film starts off in Greece where some of you might remember that Bourne actually helped run a scooter hire business. He’s gone back there where he used to be happy with his new girlfriend Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But Greece is defaulting on its loans and in the run up to a new bailout Jason Bourne is activated by Angela Merkel to take out Alex Tsipiras, the new Greek prime minister. Of course, Bourne realizes he is being used and turns against his masters once more. Then they send in Jeremy Renner as a cheap version of me – again the austerity theme – but because of Quantative Easing they finally manage to spend some money on destroying Greece and they send in Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) to finish the job. It’s very exciting at the end.

The Bourne Austerity will be released in 2017.

ALEX GIBNEY TO STAR IN MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6

HOLLYWOOD – Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney is to star in the next installment of Mission Impossible, it was revealed today.

Although it is as yet unclear which role Alex Gibney will play, word has it that Tom Cruise is personally writing the script.

An insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tom is always very involved with the creative process but in this case he’s so hands on I think this might end up being the first film that Tom writes in its entirety and he’s fairly keen to direct it as well, although chances are Christopher McQuarrie will return.

 The news came as something of a surprise given that Gibney’s latest film the HBO documentary “Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief” was an expose of the “religion” of which Cruise has been a lifelong spokesperson and believer.

Gibney himself seemed nonplussed by the news:

Are you sure? Well, that would be a turn up for the books. But sure I don’t mind doing a bit of acting if Tom needs some doing. And it would be nice to be in film rather than pointing the camera at other people.

Despite being early days, there are some clues to Gibney’s role from the studio synopsis:

Once more the IMF is faced with a threat to world peace via the Syndicate. Led by documentary filmmaker Malik Ribney (Alex Gibney), the terrorists look to overturn the world order, freedom and democracy by spreading lies and infiltrating the media. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his team (Jeremy Renner, Ving Rhames and Simon Pegg), however, are hot on their lying tails and are willing to unleash all manner of horrific violence in what will prove to be the first R rated Mission Impossible film.

Mission Impossible: Thetan Vengence will be released in 2017.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TV SHOW CAST CONFIRMED

HOLLYWOOD – The spin off TV show to Tom Cruise’s popular Mission: Impossible franchise came closer to reality today with the first picture of the assembled cast.

Peter Graves, Greg Morris, Peter Lupus, Barbara Bain and Leonard Nimoy are all confirmed to star in the new Mission: Impossible TV show, which producers are hoping will cash in on the success of Tom Cruise’s Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation. The show has been planned for many years, but has run into difficulties casting the team.

Executive producer Tom Cruise spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

The idea of the show was easy. The very structure of the films lends itself to an hour long episodic TV format. I mean it fits like a glove really. The only problem was getting the team together so to speak. First Martin Landau dropped out and then Lesley Ann Warren and Lynda Dey George were circling the same role, before Barbara finally said yes. We’ve got Lalo Schifrin to come up with a variation on the movie’s theme music. Let’s see what he comes up with.

The movie franchise began with the 1996 Brian DePalma directed action film starring Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt. ‘It was so original,’ says Cruise:

I said to Brian at the time, how the hell did you come up with such an original idea? And he just grinned, you know the way Brian does and so we left it at that. But it really launched the second half of my career and gave me freedom to do all those other projects.

The series has included entries directed by the likes of John Woo, JJ Abrams and Brad Bird. The pilot of the television show will be directed by Bruce Geller.

Mission: Impossible the TV series will be broadcast early in the Fall. 

5 MOVIE SEQUELS WE REALLY DON’T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT

HOLLYWOOD – Summer is here and the time is right for Movie Sequels We Really Don’t Give a Sh*t About, not even a little bit.

The Studio Exec FACT squad have been hanging around the SE Bungalow looking a bit grim of late so we sent them out on a recon mission to find the 5 most m’eh sequels that we can’t be bothered to even look up on IMDb.

1. Ted 2. It’s Seth (A Million Ways to Die in the West) MacFarlane and Mark (The Happening, Transformers 4, Pain and Gain, The Gambler…) Wahlberg. What could possibly go funny?

2. Hotel Transylvania 2. Hotel Transylvania might have been a harmless kids movie, but anything that puts money in Adam Sandler’s pocket is evil and needs to be discouraged.

3. Mission Impossible 5. We all saw the pictures of Tom Cruise clinging to the side of a military plane as it ACTUALLY took off, and now in the trailer we see the sequence as he ACTUALLY clings to the side of the plane during the ACTUAL take off. But the only thing that could get us excited about this tired franchise is if Tom Cruise ACTUALLY fell off the plane.

4. Magic Mike XXL. Steven Soderbergh’s Magic Mike was surprisingly good. This might be good as well. And I’ll be surprised.

5. London Has Fallen. Sequels are usually for people who saw the original and liked it and want to see more. Few people saw Olympus Has Fallen. Those who did didn’t like it. So the biggest excitement that London Has Fallen can hope for, is to see who will unwittingly wander into the movie theater by chance. The film itself will be silly tripe.

 For more FACTS click HERE.

TOM CRUISE ATTEMPTS SUICIDE

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise yesterday attempted suicide by climbing out on the wing of an Airbus A400 M as it flew over the English countryside.

Cruise – who was filming Mission Impossible 5 at the time – apparently left the air-plane following words with the film’s director Christopher McQuarrie.

An eye witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tom had this icy calmness about himself. Chris had said something. I don’t know what but he was obviously upset because the next minute he put on the safety harness and climbed out onto the wing. I was like ‘What the…!’ And Chris McQuarrie was trying to talk him back into the plane. I mean Chris was so cool, he just made out like it was a scene from the film and shouted things like ‘Look determined! More heroic!’ and when he felt that he was getting through he finally shouted ‘Cut!’ and Cruise’s head went down and he climbed back into the plane.

What happened next?

Everyone just maintained the fiction that it was all part of the film. Just a scene. They were high-five-ing each other and talking about how this would shit on James Bond. I couldn’t believe it. They were so callous.

Is it possible that this was a scene from the film and not a suicide attempt?

Well, that would explain everything. The facts if you will. But I don’t know. I mean I think it was a cry for help. I did wonder why he was putting on a safety harness if he was trying to kill himself.

So it might be it was just the scene from the film?

No. I mean. Who would climb out onto the wing of an air-plane just to shoot a scene? It doesn’t make any sense.

Tom Cruise has a history of trying to kill himself and then passing them off as elaborate set pieces in the increasingly distraught action franchise Mission Impossible. Psychologist Tammy Barlett assures us this is typical of the narcissistic depressive:

You look at Mr. Cruise’s oeuvre and you will see a repeated attempt to end it all.  And I shall demonstrate: Top Gun: dog fights. Mission Impossible 2: dangling from a cliff face. Mission Impossible 4: wants to jump off the highest building in the world. Eyes Wide Shut: dehydration.

Mission Impossible 5: Goodbye Cruel World will be released in 2015.