JAMES CORDEN SLAMS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE ROGUE NATION PUNCTUATION FAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise’s new movie Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation has just received a new trailer, but new TV host James Corden took the poster to task for ‘lame punctuation’.

James Corden, who wrote the book Eats Shoots and Leaves, used the press conference about his new role as presenter of The Late Late Show to attack Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation:

Mission: Impossible has given us high octane adventure again and again, with likeable Scientologist Tom Cruise. It’s an American James Bond but not as good as James Bond, obviously. But when I saw the new trailer for the fifth instalment, I’m not ashamed to say I was so angry I had to take a big sh*t. Mission colon Impossible and then Rogue Nation, but with no punctuation. So the name of the mission is Impossible Rogue Nation, is it? Is that how we’re supposed to read it? It makes no sense!

How do you feel about taking over the hosting duties from Craig Ferguson?

I know having two colons looks anatomically awkward. Mission colon Impossible colon Rogue Nation doesn’t look great. But there are alternatives. We could have had a semi-colon for instance.

How do you feel being a British presenter in the wake of Piers Morgan’s failure in taking over from Larry King?

Or what about the exclamation mark? I mean this is an exciting movie so why not have some shouty action filled punctuation, hmmm?

Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation will be released in 2016.

TOM CRUISE ATTEMPTS SUICIDE

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise yesterday attempted suicide by climbing out on the wing of an Airbus A400 M as it flew over the English countryside.

Cruise – who was filming Mission Impossible 5 at the time – apparently left the air-plane following words with the film’s director Christopher McQuarrie.

An eye witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tom had this icy calmness about himself. Chris had said something. I don’t know what but he was obviously upset because the next minute he put on the safety harness and climbed out onto the wing. I was like ‘What the…!’ And Chris McQuarrie was trying to talk him back into the plane. I mean Chris was so cool, he just made out like it was a scene from the film and shouted things like ‘Look determined! More heroic!’ and when he felt that he was getting through he finally shouted ‘Cut!’ and Cruise’s head went down and he climbed back into the plane.

What happened next?

Everyone just maintained the fiction that it was all part of the film. Just a scene. They were high-five-ing each other and talking about how this would shit on James Bond. I couldn’t believe it. They were so callous.

Is it possible that this was a scene from the film and not a suicide attempt?

Well, that would explain everything. The facts if you will. But I don’t know. I mean I think it was a cry for help. I did wonder why he was putting on a safety harness if he was trying to kill himself.

So it might be it was just the scene from the film?

No. I mean. Who would climb out onto the wing of an air-plane just to shoot a scene? It doesn’t make any sense.

Tom Cruise has a history of trying to kill himself and then passing them off as elaborate set pieces in the increasingly distraught action franchise Mission Impossible. Psychologist Tammy Barlett assures us this is typical of the narcissistic depressive:

You look at Mr. Cruise’s oeuvre and you will see a repeated attempt to end it all.  And I shall demonstrate: Top Gun: dog fights. Mission Impossible 2: dangling from a cliff face. Mission Impossible 4: wants to jump off the highest building in the world. Eyes Wide Shut: dehydration.

Mission Impossible 5: Goodbye Cruel World will be released in 2015.

 

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5 GETS DECEMBER RELEASE AND NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – The fifth instalment of the Mission Impossible franchise starring Tom Cruise and directed by Jack Reacher genius Christopher McQuaurrie will be released in December of 2015 so mark it in your calendars.

No, not that calendar the other one. There you go.

In addition to the release date we also learned that the title would be changed. McQuarrie explained exclusively to the Studio Exec:

There are a number of factors. First of all there’s only so many times you can have a bunch of characters go on a Mission Impossible only for them to actually achieve the mission. You lose the trust of the audience and as we’ve already done it four times I think their patience is wearing pretty thin. Add to this the fact that Tom is getting to a certain age. He is 51 of our Earth years and in reality even more than that. So can he do an impossible mission? Perhaps not. 

 Can you tell us anything about the story?

Are you kidding? Of course not! All I can say is it’s going to be more realistic and less cartoonish. We’re going to see Ethan struggling with the stairs occasionally and forgetting things he had to do so much so he begins to make lists of everything and ticking them of with a biro. We’re still going to have exciting action sequences, but it’ll be more Tom putting together flat pack furniture from Ikea and less terrorist attacks.

Mission Incredibly Difficult but Doable will be released in December, 2015.