HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed yesterday, and much to the consternation of Milla Jovovich, that Paul W.S. Anderson, the artistic genius behind Resident Evil, The Three Musketeers and Alien Vs Predator is in fact that same person as the trashy commercial director Paul Thomas Anderson, whose crowd pleasing The Master recently gave the plebs their jollies at various low brow festival such as Venice and Toronto.
Rumours have been rife for years and no one had ever seen the two director in ‘the same room together at the same time’. And Oliver Stone – among others – had pointed out the possible connection between the Andersons/Anderson dilemma and the faking of the moon landing and various theories surrounding the 9/11 attacks.
Anderson himself who will now be known as Paul Thomas W.S. Anderson expressed relief that ‘the lying is over’.
‘I originally got the idea from Stephen King when he wrote the Bachman books,’ Anderson said. ‘After Event Horizon got such a panning I wondered if I’d ever work again and so I invented this whole other identity, but really it was just a couple of middle initials. I thought everyone already knew.’
HOLLYWOOD . Late last night the LAPD were called to the residence of Paul Thomas Anderson, director of the recent opus The Master.
Anderson told them he was in his kitchen getting a glass of wine when he saw a “googly-eyed psycho” staring at him through the window over his sink. He ran outside and was able to hold down the lanky peeping tom. “He didn’t put up much of a fight, for a moment I believe he was trying to hug me,” said Anderson. When police arrived on the scene the man was quickly identified as Paul W.S. Anderson, director of “those cool Resident Evil movies”. P.T. Anderson was not familiar with his work.
Witnesses say, as the police cuffed P.W.S.A., he kept screaming “I want to be wanted!” After getting the irate ‘film-maker’ into the back of their squad car, officers searched his tan 1968 Volkswagen Beetle and found a portable DVD player and P.T. Anderson’s entire filmography. The car was recognized by a local prostitute. She directed them to an old apartment building on the other side of town.
Police were shocked at what they found inside. Making their way through the apartment as Foreigner’s ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ blared on the stereo, they found what can only be described as a shrine to Paul Thomas Anderson: photos lined the walls, posters for his films, all linked with a spider’s web of red wool. A list of the 2013 Academy Award nominees for Best Director was taped to the wall and under it, written in red fluid ‘DEATH TO THE ACADEMY’. His bathroom contained a large aquarium filled with bullfrogs and a collection of Fiona Apple records. The scenes became more disturbing as the LAPD reached the small kitchen: around the dinner table were mannequins dressed as Dirk Diggler, Daniel Plainview, and Frank T.J. Mackey. The most shocking item was found in the hall closet: a full P.T. Anderson ‘suit’ stitched together with pieces of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s excess skin.
Wife of P.W.S.A and star of the Resident Evil films, Milla Jovovich, was very emotional as she left the Los Angeles Detention Center, she said very little: “I didn’t know about this apartment. He told me he was in meetings about the next Resident Evil film. This has to pass, how will I work?”
P.T.A. left the final comment that at least this scotched the rumours that he and Paul W.S. Anderson were in fact the same person.
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