KEVIN SPACEY TO RETURN IN MILK 2

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Spacey is to return to the world of movies in the role of Harvey Milk.

Following his fall from grace, not much has been heard from Kevin Spacey. But now the Studio Exec can reveal he is to return as Harvey Milk in Gus Van Sant’s Milk 2. The sequel to the Oscar winning Milk lost its main actor Sean Penn who decided to become a writer of bad novels. We spoke with Spacey about his rehabilitation:

Harvey Milk is of course a fascinating character. He’s also gay and I’m gay. Did you already know that? I’m not sure if I ever properly came out but I am gay. That’s what I identify as. So I identify with Harvey as well. Not Weinstein. Milk. Harvey Milk!

Do you hope that the part will restore your reputation?

I don’t know. I hope so yes. But the main thing is I want to act again. I’m an actor so without that I have no meaning.

Didn’t Milk die at the end of Milk?

Yes of course. This is very much a speculative piece of work. Milk goes to heaven and is told he has to return to Earth to continue his work. It’s like Warren Beatty in Heaven Can Wait.

Milk 2 is in theaters Tuesday.

EL CHAPO’S EMAIL TO SEAN PENN

MEXICO – The Studio Exec has got hold of an exclusive email that was sent last night from El Chapo and addressed to Sean Penn.

Following Sean Penn’s article for Rolling Stone which featured an interview with the Mexican Drug Lord, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was captured by the Mexican authorities. Yesterday he sent an email to Sean Penn which the Studio Exec has managed to get a copy of and now publishes EXCLUSIVELY:

Dear Mr. Sean Penn,

You motherf*cker! You come to me an ask for an interview. I spill my heart to you and a month later the police pick me up. What the f*ck is up with that? This can’t be the same Sean Penn who so touched my heart in I am Sam. It must be the snitchy Sean Penn from Carlito’s Way! It can’t be the courageous Sean Penn from Milk, but the shit guy from Gangster Squad. We Ain’t No Angels? You can say that again. And I gave you a twenty per cent discount. I gave you a Goddamned loyalty card! I can’t believe it. So this is to say me and you we’re through. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to have anything else to do with you. I don’t even want to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High! That’s how bad it’s got. Though there is one film of yours that I still haven’t seen and I’ve heard is very good. I’ve managed to get an old DVD of to watch here in prison. IN PRISON. You know what it’s called? Dead Man Walking. Yeah this I like. The title. Can’t wait to see it.

Yours

El Chapo

Sean Penn was unavailable for comment.

SEAN PENN INTERVIEWS STEVEN AVERY

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn fresh from his scoop in interviewing El Chapo for Rolling Stones, today sat down with Steven Avery, the convict at the center of Netflix’s hit serial Making a Murderer.

Sean Penn here. I know what you’re thinking. When am I gonna make a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When are you gonna resurrect Jeff Spicoli? Well, let me just tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by, not one minute that I don’t think about Spicoli and what he might be doing today. But today I’m off to interview another ‘criminal’. Yeah. I did El Chapo in Mexico and that was pretty Rad. I mean it was like Narcos, but you know in a different country. Now I’m after Steven Avery who I first knew about when I binged on Netflix’s Making a Murderer this Christmas. If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you must have done the same. You must also have read the various controversies about the show, the rebuttals from the prosecutors and all that jazz so I’m not going to repeat all that. And obviously there are gonna be SPOILERS like I give a shit!

Steven Avery comes in and sits down. He looks exactly like he does on TV, well the later episodes, not like when he was a child or anything. He sits opposite me in the regulation prison garb that institutionalizes and dehumanizes too many Americans in our country and he smiles broadly.

‘So when are we gonna get a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High?’ he says.

‘Ha!’ I say, relaxing visibly (I imagine). He’s put me at my ease but at the same time I have a lot of questions for Steven Avery. ‘So do you really believe the cops framed you?’

‘Aloha Mr Hand!’

‘Yeah right. That’s a good line.’

‘Jeff Spicoli, man! I can’t believe I’m talking to Jeff Spicoli.’

‘That’s just a role in a movie. I’m more than that. I’m a journalist and a social activist. And I’m interested in your case because it seems to me that an injustice has been done and I would like to shed some light on it. So if you don’t mind can we get back to talking about your case and away from talking about Fast Times at Ridgemont High!’

‘Of course, Mr. Penn. I’m sorry. Sure. My case. For me the most important decision was not to allow what’s called third person liability to be used as part of my defense. This meant that…’

‘I mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High was years ago. It was my first film practically. And everyone goes on about it. What about Gangster Squad? What about Milk? What about Dead Man Walking which you should have some sympathy for?’

‘All good films I’m sure, but I’ve been in prison you see and…’

‘Mystic River, I am Sam, We’re No Angels with De Niro! De Niro! The Gunman and I’ve directed movies too.’

‘I’m sure they were…’

‘Into the Wild, for instance. Jeff Spicoli was years ago. And if it isn’t that, it’s you’re the guy who married Madonna! What’s Madonna like?’

‘You were married to Madonna?’

‘Of course I f*cking was! Where the f*ck have you been?’

And just as things got really interesting the guard came and told us our time was up. I’m still not sure whether Steven Avery is truly an innocent man, nor have I understood the complexity of his case in a way that is in any way deeper, but when we parted I could see in his relief that we had both gained something from this meeting. And I drove home feeling vindicated.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

@MYSTERYEXEC GOES MISSING: EMILE HIRSCHE QUESTIONED

HOLLYWOOD – The twitter account known to the world as @MysteryExec was taken down today and it is understood that Emile Hirsche will be questioned.

The star of such films as Into the Wild and Milk Emile Hirsche is not a suspect, a police spokesperson was eager to point out.

We don’t even know if there is a crime here. An anonymous twitter account has been taken down and it is believed the account holder was a studio exec of some description. However, Mr. Hirsche did plead guilty to assaulting a studio exec in another totally unrelated situation and so we thought it wise to eliminate him from our investigations.

So Emile Hirsche is now locked up somewhere?

No, he’s currently… hey where are you going?

The Studio Exec will be in an undisclosed location for the rest of the Summer.

SEAN PENN: NOT MAKING GOOD FILMS, A POLITICAL STATEMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Hi guys, Sean Penn here. I just wanted to cut through the bullshit a second and make something clear to all the people who have been watching my career recently with some bemusement. I know exactly what you’re thinking: what the f*ck is Shanghai Surprise (as I prefer to be known) up to?

Gangster Squad stank of thrice used, thrice unflushed toilet water. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was almost terminally unfunny. Tree of Life? Tree. Of. Life?
Okay, I hear you. I feel your pain. These aren’t Dead Man Walking, or 21 Grams, or Milk. They’re not even I am Sam! So what gives Penn?

Well, I’ll tell you. As many of you probably know as well as being a world famous film actor, I’m also something of a political activist with outspoken views on lots of different topics. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a liberal. No, I’m actually a radical. Yeah. I know. 

And it occurred to me not so long ago that this making films lark is highly dubious from a ‘bringing down the system’ point of view. At least, it is if the films are successful. So what I decided was that I would make films and choose roles specifically to destroy the ideological homogeneity engine that is Hollywood from within by making terrible films. I dipped a toe in with The Interpreter. Then a whole foot with All the King’s MenGangster Squad and Mitty were the equivalent of full immersion. If you want to take a photo of the Hollywood sign do so now, because the foundations are shaking and the whole thing is going to Emmerich under the weight of my underwhelming output. There’s no way the Entertainment Industry can survive this level of mediocrity. Just you wait.

Sean Penn will be appearing in Any Which Way But Loose in 2016.  

SEAN PENN ENDORSES MITT ROMNEY

WASHINGTON – In a shock turnaround, Sean Penn has publicly endorsed Mitt Romney for President at a rally in Tampa earlier today.

The My Name is Sam star and famed radical activist and campaigner explained his change of heart to a packed crowd at a Mitt is It rally. ‘I realised how much I earn,’ Penn blustered. ‘So fuck yeah, he’s got my vote.’

Penn joins a whole barrage of erstwhile liberals in lining up behind the Mittster who has promised cut taxes and allow poor people to be legally hunted as game.

Michael Moore said earlier this week that being right wing and crazy ‘was just more funny’. And Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon said they believed that many stars were attracted to Romney’s lack of charisma.

‘You hang around show people all the time with their humor and excitement and sparkling conversation and it’s tiring,’ the Rocky Horror Picture Show strumpet remarked. ‘With Mr. Romney you’re safe from any danger of being remotely interested in anything he has to say.’

Some have linked Penn’s change of heart to the fact that although he was definitely gay in Milk, he appears to be married in This is not the Place. Whilst many see this as further evidence that Mitt Romney is in fact a character created by Sacha Baron Cohen for a new comedy film.