NO DARTH VADER IN ROGUE ONE TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The new Star Wars anthology film Rogue One released a trailer, but fans were shocked that there was no appearance of Darth Vader.

The release of Star Wars: Rogue One in December is possibly the most widely anticipated movie of the Winter. And the release of a new trailer was greeted at first with excitement and anticipation. The Studio Exec sat down in front of the computer to scrutinize the new trailer and was left aghast:

There’s no Darth Vader, no Death Star, no Stormtroopers, no one mentions the Force or talks about the rebellion. It’s a complete failure. It’s just the guy from Whiplash, boxing and pretending to be Hilary Swank from Million Dollar Baby. It’s a complete joke. Gareth Edwards has totally dropped the ball on this one. It’s bullshit.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story will be released in December.

FBI FORCE FOX TO CHANGE TITLE OF FANTASTIC FOUR

HOLLYWOOD – Fox studios have been forced to change the title of the new Josh Trank movie The Fantastic Four to simply The Four.

The Fantastic Four has been released to universally disappointing reviews and the unprecedented legal case was brought by the FBI following a deluge of complaints from theater patrons. It stars Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic, who will be renamed in the new version Mr. M’eh, Kate Mara as Susan Storm, renamed Susan Drizzle and Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch, who will simply be known as the Torch and Jamie Bell as the Thingy.

Special Agent Jim Bauer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Usually the FBI would never get involved in a dispute over the title of a movie but Jesus Christ, I don’t know if it was Fox or if it was Josh Trank, but someone needs to be warned that this film is in no shape or form Fantastic and certainly not four fantastics. From now on people going to see it will not be misled and hopefully everything will be okay from now on.

Although unusual, the actions of the FBI are not completely without precedent. When in 2012 the Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon comedy This Means Hilarious War was released, the Federal Bureau of Investigation was forced to intervene and remove a word to make it more appropriate.

When asked for comment, Josh Trank simply said: ‘F*cking Fox, [mumble mumble] Fox!’

The Four is currently in theaters. 

FANTASTIC FOUR WILL BE NC-17

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement that Ryan Reynold’s Deadpool will be R rated, the news came that the Fantastic Four reboot will be NC-17 in what is being viewed as ‘a rating war.’

We all know that comic movies aren’t just for kids and with films such as The Dark Knight Rises and Kick Ass pushing the boundaries and striving for adult audiences, it seems that the new trend is to get darker, more violent and less kid friendly. Earlier this week Ryan Reynolds announced that the long-awaited Deadpool would be an R  rather than the much feared, tame, bloodless and fully clothed PG-13. The New Josh Trank remake of The Fantastic Four has gone one more, forcing the MPAA to award it an NC-17 certificate for what it calls ‘constant cunnilingus’.

Starring Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell and Kate Mara, the new Fantastic Four is an origin story of four young scientist who become a Marvel superhero team following being hit by an awful version of the same film in 2005 and again in 2007. In an attempt to stoke some interest, the team decided early on to put in as much violence and sex as they could. An insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first we were nervous about the certificate we might get. this is after all a tent pole style film, but after a certain point in filming we just decided to go for it. We actually started to add blood and gore where none was. And once we knew that Deadpool had already got the R rated we knew we’d really need to get pull out the stops and one thing we know that the MPAA can’t stand is the oral pleasuring of females. So the new film is ram packed with endless scenes of said act. I mean it’s wall to wall. Utterly unnecessary.

The Fantastic Four will be released briefly.  

WHIPLASH: REVIEW

WHIPLASH: Review – A young student of Jazz drumming accidentally finds himself in Full Metal Jacket.

‘I’ve got blisters on my fingers,’ screamed Ringo Starr towards the end of a poundingly murderous version of Helter Skelter. Anyone watching Damien Chazelle’s new film will know exactly how everybody’s second favorite Beatle felt.

Andrew (Miles Teller) is the young hopeful at a prestigious New York music school, who is called to join the band of acerbic but brilliant teacher Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). Here he is summarily ripped to shreds by the teacher in a series of diatribes which are hilariously nasty and spiteful. The overhanging question is whether this is all at the service of a relentless pursuit of perfection, or if the hate is there just for the sake of it. Perhaps, Fletcher’s sadism is more basically rooted than his high minded appeals to musical elitism. However, Andrew is sold on the idea and becomes increasingly complicit in his own self-destructive single-mindedness.

Following a superb turn in The Spectacular Now, Miles Teller has definitively arrived and with Whiplash arrived with a bang, crash and wallop. But not to be outdone – and mimicking some of the generational angst of the film, CK Simmons has now belatedly gone from being ‘oh him, I like him, he was in [sound of fingers clicking]’ man to CK SIMMONS.

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THE SPECTACULAR NOW: REVIEW

THE SPECTACULAR NOW: REVIEW – “We’ll never be younger than we are tonight” says Sutter Keely (Miles Teller), a young fella who appreciates that this is it, this is as good as it gets.

Partying, drinking, working his Saturday job, scraping through school, Sutter is a carefree charismatic young fellow on the cusp of adulthood. Okay, his dad is AWOL and he’s just broken up with the love of his life Cassidy (Brie Larson), but he isn’t going to let that get him down. And soon enough he’s embarked on a new friendship with Aimee (Shailene Woodley), who he meets when he wakes up post-binge on her lawn. 

James Ponsoldt is a director making a name for himself with original and brilliant character studies. (His second film Smashed is also well worth a look.) The beautiful leafy early summer of the setting gives the feel of nostalgia in the making, but despite sentiment the film never dips into gloopy sentimentality. His characters are too real for that. I’m fully convinced I went to school with Sutter Keeley

Along with the relative newcomers, the ensemble cast is jam packed with talent – Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Andre Royo, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Bob Odenkirk and Kyle Chandler – but it’s best asset is an enormous generosity at the heart of The Spectacular Now, which never shies away from the dangers of youth, but at the same time enjoying its capacity for courage and hope.