TOMMY LEE JONES TO STAR IN AND DIRECT ‘ARE YOU BEING SERVED?’

HOLLYWOOD – Tommy Lee Jones to write, direct and star in Are You Being Served?

Veteran actor and No Country for Old Men star Tommy Lee Jones will finally bring his dream project to the screen next year, a Hollywood remake of BBC sitcom Are You Being Served? 

Based on the Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft Seventies series, Tommy Lee Jones’ new film is set in the fictional Los Angeles department store of Grace Brothers. Here the flirty staff have to deal with a variety of eccentric customers. Popping by the Studio Exec bungalow, Jones explained his vision:

I have always been a fan of the original British series. The elaborate double entendres and the farcical situations and in particular Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy.

And you are acting in the film as well? 

I myself shall play the role of Captain Peacock and Michael Shannon has kindly agreed to show his face as Mr. Humphries. Cameron Diaz wanted to play Mrs. Slocombe but I said no, because she is not in my honest opinion what I’d call a ‘good actress’.  Emma Thompson will handle the pussy jokes, if’n we can sober her up in time. Ha ha. That was a joke.

How do you respond to critics who say you can’t play comedy?

I ask them if they have had the opportunity to view my hilarious mugging in Natural Born Killers, or my Two Face in the much underrated Batman film, I forget which one… but it was comedy genius.

Mila Kunis will play Shirley Brahms and Jack Black will play Cuthbert Rumbold. Bradley Cooper will continue his collaboration with Jones, playing the womanizing salesman Dick Lucas.

Are You Being Served? comes out in 2022.

JUPITER ASCENDING 2 ‘WILL HAVE SMALLER BUDGET’

HOLLYWOOD – Following the high profile flop of Jupiter Ascending, few thought that a sequel was likely or desirable but a scaled down Jupiter Ascending sequel is now on the cards.

The Wachowski Sisters are to direct a sequel to last year’s Jupiter Ascending, it has been revealed, but with a much reduced budget. Mila Kunis will not return as Jupiter Jones, the Earth woman who takes on the villains, nor will Channing Tatum as the hybrid man-dog Caine Wise. They have been replaced by Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Christensen.

The Wachowskis slipped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the new pic.

Lana said:

We really roasted the studio on the last one and there was no way in this solar system that they would put up the money to take a bath on the sequel as well. And yet we still felt that we had a story to tell. A truly compelling story.

Lilly: Yeah, there was no way they were going to help us out unless we cut the money right back. Mila and Channing were really cool about it. We showed them what we intended to do about the story and how we couldn’t afford them anymore and they seemed really happy.

Lana: True professionals.

LIlly: So then we got Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Christensen.

So they were cheaper?

Lana: $5000 each.

That’s amazingly cheap!

Lilly: We felt bad asking them for more.

Oh, they’re paying?

Lana: Er, yeah.

And the story?

Lilly: What story?

Lana: The story is a continuation, but instead of having lots of expensive effects it’s going to take place in a garage that needs tidying up.

Lilly: We do have some exteriors of lawns being mown and basic landscape gardening being done. And the style is going to be a lot more handheld.

Lana: As if filmed on a phone.

Lilly: And we’re changing the title.

Jupiter Descending will be released in 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

AMY ADAMS’ TOP FIVE TOOTHBRUSHES

HOLLYWOOD – Amy Adams – the versatile Hollywood actress of Arrival, The Master, Man of Steel and American Hustle – came into the Studio Exec office to give us her top 5 toothbrushes of 2016.

Amy Adams! Toothbrushes! Go!

1 The Colgate Extra Clean Toothbrush is the Amazon no. 1 bestselling toothbrush. With a thin, flexible easy grip and a good head, the stern bristles ensure that every tooth gets a thorough clean. The thing which stands out for me though is the cleaning tip, which is particularly good at getting spinach out from between your teeth.

2 Mila Kunis once told me the most important part of your smile is your gums. And the Oral-B Pro-Health Clinical Pro-Flex medium Toothbrush is the toothbrush for you. Two flexing sides gives the discerning mouth a powerful working over. Your gums will shine like Jessica Chastain.

3 When working with the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman we would often speak about acting. He said it all began with the teeth. The Dr. Collings Perio Toothbrush gives a flossing effect that Philip would have loved, penetrating with its innovative tapered filaments even between the most stubborn molars.

4 Directors Paul Thomas Anderson and Denis Villeneuve have radically different styles but one thing they have in common is their adoration of the GUM Technique Deep Clean Toothbrush. The 45-degree angle ensures thorough cleaning without irritation.

5 The Nimbus Microfine Toothbrush has a whitening effect and is cheep. I once saw Leonardo diCaprio stick it up his ass, but that’s another story.

For more of Amy Adams’ Top 5 advice Click Here

DENTIST TO THE STARS: 2. MILA KUNIS

HOLLYWOOD – Malvin Putobis, Dentist to the Stars, lifts the lid on the pearly whites of Mila Kunis.

Hi! My name is Malvin Putobis and I am Dentist to the Stars. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent inside the mouths of the rich and famous. Drilling here, polishing their, occasionally (sniff) extracting. My best pal the Studio Exec asked me if I could reveal some of the secrets about my famous clients. Immediately I said, ‘No f*cking way!’ Then he mentioned money and I said:

Mila Kunis is a delight. Why Malvin? you ask. Well, I’ll give you it in three words: ‘Gums, gums, gums.’ That’s right. Lots of people think that the secret to good teeth is in the shine of the enamel, but for us pros of the mouth the enamel is the tip of the oral iceberg. The gums are where all the action is and Mila has always been one of my favorite clients. I think it must have something to do with her coming from Russian stock. You can imagine her Grandmother riding the Steppes holding the rein of her horse clamped between her sturdy teeth, hoping that the strength of her gums will be enough to keep the Bolsheviks at bay.

Mila first reclined on my chair – the Putobis 5000 – for the first time in 2010. She’d just got the gig to do Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan and was smoking a lot of cigarettes. I worked on the discoloration and then stood back in surprise. ‘What is it?’ Ms. Kunis asked. ‘It’s your gums,’ I said. ‘They’re pure and beautiful.’ From that day forth, we’ve been friends. Though when I finally saw Black Swan I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t once show her gums in the whole movie, but that’s just testament to what a modest actor Mila really is.

Next week, Martin Short.

KUM BA YA: THE FIRST CHRISTIAN SEX MOVIE?

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the box office success of such Christian friendly movies as God’s Not Dead, Son of God and Heaven is For Real comes Kum Ba Ya, what makers are claiming to be the first big budget piece of Adult Entertainment specifically aimed at a Christian audience.

Ex-Porn actor and born again Christian Nathanial Felait explained the concept:

Some people believe that Christianity and sex don’t mix but we’re here to say otherwise. In our film, we have a series of saucy situations which will titillate but never deviate.

What’s the film about?

Brian (Greg Kinnear) loves Sarah (Rachel Evans Wood) who he first sees in church, but is occasionally worried by unclean thoughts. He seeks advice from Father Ralph (Ricky Gervais) who tells him that only Holy Matrimony will allow him to indulge in such pleasures of the flesh and only for the purposes of procreation. Not like his Best Gay Friend Stephen (Russell Brand) who has sex with man after man after man after man, but finds no fulfillment in such unnatural congress, as Brian can see when he repeatedly spies on him. Brian even watches Todd (Vince Vaughn) his neighbor having sex with his wife Emily (Mila Kunis), but Brian tries his best not to covet.

Wow.

 Finally, Sarah agrees to marry Brian and once bound by the holy bonds of matrimony according to the rituals of the Holy Church, Brian penetrates her again and again and again, in all sorts of positions and places, all for the purposes of procreation and all thoroughly approved by the many church leaders of all denominations who we consulted with on the making of the film. Some of them watching the film again and again and again just to make sure.  

Do you anticipate the full support of the Christian community for your movie?

The combination of holy morality and full unsimulated sex should bring out the Christian audience. We’ve heard that coach parties are being organised and whole theaters booked by church groups. The only complaints we’ve had have come from the Catholic priesthood who protested that the actors were all a bit too old.

Kum Ba Ya is coming soon!

DAVID DUCHOVNY BRINGS BACK RED SHOE DIARIES

HOLLYWOOD – First we hear The X-Files is coming back and now David Duchovny has revealed that popular nineties erotic anthology show The Red Shoe Diaries are also coming back.

Of course everyone is excited about the return of Twin Peaks and some even more so about the imminent revisiting by Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) in “The X-Files”, but for some of us David Duchovny will always be the gate keeper to television erotica that was “The Red Shoe Diaries”. Running throughout the 90s and directed by Zalman King and Raphael Eisenman, the anthology show featured Duchovny in the role of Jack Winters, a man whose lover has committed suicide and who asks women to write in letters describing their knocking off experiences in a quest to understand the mystery that is woman.

The Californication star dropped by the Studio Exec hot tub to talk EXCLUSIVELY about what had got the creative juices flowing once more:

You know how it is, you get to a stage in your career and you simply don’t want new challenges. You want to go back to the old challenges and see if you can do them over and better. I was in Aquarius and that was quite good and Californication, but really I wanted to get back to the X-Files and once I was doing that I thought why don’t we do Jack Winters again. I’m really curious to find out, where is Jack today and what, in the age of internet pornography, is he doing with himself.

And what’s the answer?

He’s been spending a lot of time in his room and he’s lost weight! No, I’m only kidding you. The fact of the matter is the more we  allow a free run of our desires – 5 Shades of Grey etc. – the more mysterious the become and the more alienated we become from them. It’s the paradox of our time that we have all these freedoms and what do we fantasize about? Being tied up and told what to do. It’s as if capitalism had a direct through line to our id.

What everybody loved about the original – apart from the cinematography and music – were the high end cameos. Who have you got lined up for the new show?

Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis…

Wow!

…are just a few of the actresses who have turned us down. But I’m hoping to pull some strings and maybe we can persuade Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid to make an appearance. Steve Buscemi is definitely in for the pilot. Which ironically is going to be about a pilot! Ha!

The Red Show Diaries will be broadcast early next year.

WOODY ALLEN TRILOGY PLANNED

NEW YORK, BARCELONA, LONDON, ROME – Writer, wit, film-maker, clarinet player and international playboy, Woody Allen talked EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec today about his post-Batman plans.

“I’ve been working on a series of scripts for a trilogy,” said Woody Allen, laughing. “Once I’m done with Gotham, I want to get back out there and do some pictures set in European capitals starring sexy ladies, but each film with only three or four good jokes, five jokes tops.”

The director of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Midnight in Paris and To Rome with Love, Woody – who was named after his mother’s favourite flavour of whiskey (“I was lucky, my brothers Peaty and Strong Caramel After Taste less so”) – said:

Working on Batman has been a complete departure for me, and I’ve enjoyed it but I want to get back to what I do best: disappointing my fans. I have three scripts ready to go which I’ll be making as a trilogy. Scarlett Johansson is back for Wednesday Afternoon in Oslo, then Mila Kunis will be strangling an English accent in To Coventry with Animosity. And finally I have the wonderfully talented Eva Green in Penelope Jennifer Stuttgart. 

However, Mr. Allen will first be finishing his forthcoming Batman movie which stars Billy Crystal as the caped crusader.

Woody Allen’s Batman is due for release in 2016.

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW – Jupiter Ascending – directed by the bafflingly employed Wachowksis – is a film that aspires to the grandiose adventure, excitement, well written dialogue, fully fledged characters and kinetic direction of Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones. And fails.

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter ‘Ascending’ Jones daughter of an astronomer who is shot by Russian gangsters. Don’t worry, that he is an astronomer doesn’t matter nor that he is shot by Russian… who are they anyway? Gangsters? Burglars? Again don’t worry that’s just random event number one in what is going to be a tiring journey through the plot equivalent of chaos theory. Jupiter cleans toilets and her mother – originally a mathematician we are told, has now become a drudge and her Russian family have happily become semi-racist stereotypes. She’s not happy cleaning toilets and has decided to raise money selling her ovaries so that she can buy a golden telescope because her father was an astronomer – oh so it is important, an astronomer by the way who spends his time peering through the telescope in the middle of a city or in the living room. But don’t worry by random chance all her DNA is exactly the same of the old Queen of the Universe and so she is now hunted by the Queen’s children – including silly Eddie Redmayne – to be variously exploited and/or killed. To the rescue comes Channing Tatum as Teen Wolf/Albino/ pixie/Birdman/Starlight Express wannabe. Although not to the rescue because he’s working for one of the siblings. Oh and bees love her, or at least don’t sting her, which you have to say, as a perk for being Queen of the Universe, is pretty modest.

Do you remember that idea of the room full of monkeys with typewriters and infinity typing the complete works of Shakespeare? Well, this is the first draft. It’s nods to other films – Brazil, The Fifth Element, Blade Runner and Attack of the Clones – only make you wish you were watching other films. Yes, even Attack of the Clones. The dialogue is cloth-eared; the humor flat; the characters motivated by stunning dumbness. Jupiter makes you realize how fantastic a character Katniss Everdeen is. Where The Hunger Games is about a young girl becoming a rebel and a fighter, Jupiter is wetter than Dale Arden, endlessly rescued from her own stupid decisions. It’s as if  the Wachowskis are hell bent on giving young women a role model of domestic acquiescence who in the end learns to get up early and clean toilets cheerfully.

When Warner Bros. denied they were burying Jupiter Ascending in February (from a Summer Blockbuster spot), no one really believed them. It’s only a pity they couldn’t have literally buried the film somewhere where it wouldn’t have been found.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

THE WACHOWSKIS ‘STILL ALLOWED TO MAKE FILMS’

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was shocked today to learn the Wachowski siblings were still permitted to direct films. 

Following the disasters of Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, many had believed that there would be some kind of legal mechanism which would keep Lena and Andy Wachowski as far as possible from a director’s chair and camera as humanly possible, tying them up and putting them in some kind of cage if necessary.
However, the Studio Exec has it on good authority that alongside a sequel to Cloud Atlas currently being prepped, the Wachowskis also have a film which will be released in July. Jupiter Ascending is described as a sequel to Space Nugget 3D, the Dan Harmon film which will open Cannes this year.

Lana Wachowski telephoned in the early hours of the morning to tell us more:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones, a janitor with a genetic secret that she is actually the future leader of the universe. Channing Tatum is a guy sent back to rescue and protect her.

How does it connect to Space Nugget 3D?

Space Nugget 3D exists in the same universe, but the stories are very different. We are hoping to put in some in-jokes for those Nugget-heads who are in the know, but it won’t be necessary to have seen Space Nugget 3D in order to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, although knowing Dan Harmon’s work I would advise everyone to go and see it anyway.

How do you respond to those who believe your work is an abomination and you shouldn’t be allowed to make any more films?

Oh they’re absolutely right. But as long as someone gives us the money we’re going to carry on. Ha ha ha. Ha.

Jupiter Jones will be released in July, 2015.

WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING

HOLLYWOOD – Having pushed the release date of the new Wachowski Siblings feature Jupiter Ascending seven months from July to February, 2015, Warner Bros announced today that it had never heard of the Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum Science Fiction action film.

Continue reading “WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING”

CHANNING TATUM TO RETURN TO STRIPPING

HOLLYWOOD – The world of movies was rocked today by the news that Jump Street 22 star Channing Tatum was to return to the world of male stripping from whence he came.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec Mr. Tatum said:

When I was a male stripper all I dreamed of was becoming a Hollywood star. Well, I’ve done that. I’ve worked with the greats like Jonah Hill and Mila Kunis, and I’ve also worked with Gina Carano. Basically I think, it’s been fun but it’s time to get back to doing what I really love doing and what I know I’m good at.

But Channing, you’re a fantastic actor. Why throw that away?

I have to say, I thought the pay would be a bit better. I’m not complaining, but I thought I’d be making at least 60 – 70K a year, but my manager Joey tells me that not even Michael Keaton can command those numbers. You should meet Joey. He’s a cool guy. Used to be Diane Kruger’s food taster. 

So you make more stripping.

Yeah. And I get to express myself. I mean have you ever stripped?

No.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has never been up there. I mean, all these women are looking at you and some gay guys. And you’re wearing half of what’s left of a traffic cop costume. And whipped cream is everywhere, the smell of sweat and tassel glue, you’re humping and grinding away. It’s… artistic. You know.

So that’s it for film. 

Yeah. Unless there’s some stripping involved I don’t think I’ll be interested. We’ll see what Joey says. 

This hasn’t got anything to do with Jupiter Ascending, has it? 

The interview’s over. 

Jupiter Ascending will be released in 2040.

ANGUS T. JONES REFUSES TO GROW A DECENT BEARD

COLORADO – Former child star of uber-popular sitcom Two and a Half Men where he played the hilarious half, Jake Harper, Angus T. Jones has once more shocked the world with a statement in which he explicitly refuses to grow a decent beard.

His statement reads:

It is against my Christian beliefs which I hold very close to my heart to grow a proper man bush. This scraggly pubic horror that you see lingering here beneath my nose and mouth is a sign that I am not pray to the vanity that currently disgusts me and any right minded Christian folk. If the Lord wishes to remove this abomination from my face, then he in his Almighty goodness could do so with even the lightest of breezes. That breeze is yet to come.

Many have criticized Charlie Sheen for encouraging the young actor, but blame has also fallen on Ashton Kutcher who has a record of sporting less than totally convincing facial herbage.  Mr. Kutcher could not be reached as he is currently engaged to marry Mila Kunis and, well…

Christian groups however have also come out and criticized Jones. Pastor Hampton, a theologian of mustaches, beards, whiskers and goatees told Studio Exec:

Mr. Jones is being very restrictive in his reading of the Bible. Although Leviticus does state ‘Lo! Bless the growth upon thy chops be it never so scrawny and look not away at another man’s beard with envy’. But we know for a FACT that Moses and Noah had beards. And we’re talking Sequoias in comparison to Angus’ butt fluff. And were they not holy men?

 However Jones is unrepentant and his sect – Church of the Barefaced Jesus – is also fully supportive. ‘It is a fact,’ said the head of the sect Barney Stump. ‘That our Lord Christ is depicted in the earliest renderings as a bare faced youth. The beard was only added by the Byzantines later, where a beard was a symbol of kingship.’

If you have a view on Angus T. Jones’ beard please use the comment box below to leave your thought droppings.  

ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS’ PUBLICISTS TO WED

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the romance of the year: Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman in the Universe Mila Kunis is getting hitched to the ex-Mr. Demi Moore Ashton Kutcher, but before then Leslie Ann Zola and Alan Shepperton – Mr. Kutcher’s and Ms. Kunis’ publicists respectively – are also going to tie the knot.

Shepperton explained:

Ashton and Mila have been spending a lot of time together and for busy and fantastically successful film stars that means we have to organise their schedules to make that happen. This in turn meant that myself and Ms. Zola were also spending a lot of time together, phoning, emailing, lunching and, I’m happy, to say having vigorous athletic sex that was wonderful for both of us and very exciting.

The engagement was announced in the press kit for the upcoming Kunis/Kutcher betrothal. Mila Kunis described the happy coincidence as ‘super neat’:

This way we’ll be like a gang. They would have had to spend quite a lot of time coordinating our stuff anyway and now they can do it from the same premises and downsize their staff, while passing on those savings to us.

 The ceremony is to take place at an undisclosed location in Malibu and will be attended by high-powered entertainment professionals such as Angelina Jolie’s publicist, Alec Baldwin’s publicist, Cate Blanchett’s publicist and Ben Stiller’s publicist. 

Ms. Zola’s ex-husband Demi Moore’s publicist has given his blessing and is also expected to attend. 

LINDSAY LOHAN JOINS PUSSY RIOT MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Penal commitments permitting Lindsay Lohan is to star in Pussy Riot: the Motion Picture. The casting news is coming quick and fast on the pic with Lohan, who plays Maria Alyokhina, joining Amanda Seyfried and Mila Kunis as Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Yekaterina Samutsevich respectively.

Director Jane Campion insisted that the film will be respectful to the punk band members who were arrested following their performance of a Punk Prayer in the Moscow Cathedral on February 20th, 2012. 

All we want to do is pay our respects and communicate the story of these outstanding young women and their energy and bravery in standing up to what I believe to be one of the most dangerous intolerant regimes in the world today.

Mila Kunis (or Amanda Seyfried) – who plays Yekaterina Samutsevich – agrees:

I’ve always been influenced by feminists in my work, from Mary Wolstonecraft to Miley Cyrus. And I’m totally cool doing lesbian (should the role justify it).

The latest confirmed cast member Lindsay Lohan also spoke of her own experiences:

I see a lot of myself in Maria. She stood up for what she believed in and she spoke out, loudly and rebelliously. As a result she was incarcerated. I too was sent to prison. Condemned, just because I was drunk or high and driving at 100 mph in a stolen car. In a way, we’re almost the same person.

Responding to criticism that the film will somehow water down the story, Campion said, ‘This isn’t about stars, or Hollywood. The important thing is we don’t compromise the anger and the beauty of what these women have done.’

Pretty Riot will be released in 2015.