HOLLYWOOD – Michael Winterbottom and Steven Soderbergh announce a film off during which the two famously prolific film makers are going to make a complete feature film every day for a month.

‘The challenge is to go from script to editing in a day,’ says Michael Winterbottom sneering. ‘And then you have casting, photography, special effects, soundtrack and post. The red carpet premières take place at 9 o’ clock and 11 that evening with the order switched each day.’

‘Mikey ain’t got a chance in hell, he’s gonna cry like a little girl when I’ve finished with him,’ Soderburgh giggled feverishly. ‘Matt Damon will be in every other film. I’ll do some Oceans movies as well. And then some experimental stuff and I’ll be calling in some favours from my vast array of talented friends. Who does he have? Tell me who you have? You got maybe, MAYBE, an Affleck.’

‘Casey said…’

‘You got nothing my friend. You hear me? Nothing!’

‘Soderburgh is full of bunkum,’ Winterbottom spat on the floor. ‘It’ll be easy. I’ll just adapt some Thomas Hardy novels and then get Steve Coogan to ad lib the rest. Throw in some fellatio. Everyone’s happy. What? You wanna go and see Contagion 2, 3 and 4?’

‘Is there a danger that quality might be compromised in this rush?’ Studio Exec had the opportunity of asking.

The directors take a moment before answering as they fight for breath and wipe the tears from their eyes.

Soderburgh recovers first: ‘Quality? Compromise? I think not.’

Tess of the Flipping D’Urbevilles and Sex, Lies and Memory Stick start filming on Monday and will be released the same day.