DANIEL CRAIG TO BE PART-TIME 007

HOLLYWOOD – In a ‘turn up for the books’, James bond 007 actor Daniel Craig has revealed that he is to go ‘part-time’ as the most famous British secret agent.

Daniel Craig spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his decision to dial down his commitment to James Bond.

I’ve been a full time James Bond for eleven years more or less. The hours are killing me. So I talked to Michael Wilson and Barbara Brocoli and we decided that I could ease off a bit.

How does that work?

I’m going to do three days a week and that will leave me more time to write my Scandinavian crime novels, do a bit of gardening and start prepping Cowboys and Aliens and Pirates with Jon Favreau.

Sounds great.

The screenwriters are going to put in a new character called Timmy Mallet and he’ll take up the slack for me. He has a large mallet and hits people on the head with it to hilarious effect.

That explains the title.

Yeah. So I’m sorry Mr. Hiddleston and Mr. Elba. You’re going to have to wait a little while longer.

Bond Meets Mallet will be released in 2018.

DANIEL CRAIG: NEXT BOND FILM COULD BE MUSICAL

Seemed drunk

LONDON – Daniel Craig hinted today at a radical change in direction for the Bond franchise. ‘I’d like to sing,’ he told stunned reporters. ‘If you think about it, 007 has always had this musical side to him, with all the Bond songs,  and some great musicians working on the films, and Adele.’

Michael G. Wilson, who – along with Barbara Broccoli – controls the creative direction of the multimillion dollar film series, said that Craig’s idea was ‘interesting’, but his intonation went up at the end of the word as if to make it into a question.
‘Bond could go in many different directions,’ Wilson said. ‘I’d never, to be honest, thought of it as a musical but I don’t know. Maybe. But… No probably not. No. Actually definitely no.’
Bono and the Edge have already volunteered to score a possible musical that they have called License to Sing! Edge has already written an overture and three songs. ‘I don’t think much about them,’ said Edge in an Irish accent. ‘I just churn them out.’
To the assembled journalists, Craig launched into a series of songs with a surprisingly robust baritone, starting with Jane’s Addiction and ‘Been Caught Stealing’ and ended with a sublime version of ‘This Corrosion’ by The Sisters of Mercy.

MI6 CRITICISE SKYFALL

LONDON – Sources within MI6 have let it be known that they do not appreciate the new Sam Mendes directed, Daniel Craig starring James Bond outing Skyfall due to its ‘unacceptable levels of accuracy’.

The British Security Service has until now had a relatively warm relationship with the franchise, with one inside circular claiming that ‘78% of recruits credit James Bond with the reason they applied to join the service, and substantial evidence that the other 12% are lying’. However, when heads of the Secret Service sat down to enjoy a private screening of the film alongside producers Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli the cosiness didn’t last long.

One insider said:

As soon as the final credits rolled there were boos and hissings and one senior agent pulled down his pants and let out a loud fart. The main complaint was how close the film was to reality. Most of the Bond films represent a flattering fantasy, but Skyfall showed MI6 very much on the back foot as it is tormented by cyber criminal Silva (played by Javier Bardem’s hair). In the very first scene, they lose a list of all the embedded agents, well, we do that every other week.   

Daniel Craig’s Bond was also seen as overly true to life. ‘At one point Bond goes on holiday without filling out the usual P17/38(B),’ said an MI6 spook. ‘Well, I did the very same thing last week.’

SKYFALL: M TO GET HER OWN MOVIE

LONDON – Today on the release of Skyfall  in the United Kingdom, Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli announced that they are working on a breakaway project. ‘We have two main possibilities,’ said Michael Wilson. ‘But by far the most popular idea is that we’ll have M having her stand alone movie.’
‘And what will it be called?’ we asked, excited.
‘Erm,’ he said. ‘M.’
Judi Dench – when asked about the prospect- expressed enthusiasm. ‘Oh, definitely,’ she said. ‘Why should all the boys have all the fun?’

It is believed that Paul Haggis has already submitted a treatment. ‘Yeah,’ he said, when we asked him.

The story would begin before M met James Bond and would see her rise through the ranks of the British secret service fighting misogyny and the villainous Margaret Thatcher who is seen as a Moscow implant. Daniel Craig is expected to make a cameo as a little boy on a school trip.

M: the Early Years is due out in 2015.