WARNER DC ANNOUNCE JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT BATMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Warner DC have announced a new film called Batmen that will tie up all the different versions of Batman currently in production.

The new film, Batmen as announced by Warner DC, will finally see Robert Pattinson’s Batman share the screen with Ben Affleck, Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, directed by Mr. Titanic James Cameron.

A Warner insider told us:

We have so many Batman incarnations in production at the moment that we figured, why the hell not? So we just threw them all on the table. Then we drove trucks of money up to Pattinson, Affleck, Keaton and Bale’s homes and magically, they agreed. Because Batman is so popular, there’s no way we can lose money on this one. Just imagine all of the toys.

James Cameron is on board and is very excited:

This will be the start of what we are proud to call ‘The Batverse’. If that crap can work for Spiderman and those oh so colourful people at Marvel, then why can’t it work for us? It’ll be like The Odd Couple, but in a Batcave and four of them instead of two, but you get the idea. Affleck will be like Walter Matthau but in a cape and cowl, he’ll be the big burly, grumpy one. Keaton will be like Jack Lemmon, always trying to tidy up all the Batarangs left lying around. Pattinson will be like their kid, or something and Bale will just hang around in the shadows, shouting, ‘Where is she?!’

The cast is impressive. “We’ve also bought the rights to Adam West’s voice work on Family Guy and he’ll play the voice of the Bat Computer,” said Cameron. “We’ll have Joaquin Phoenix wheeling Jack Nicholson around and Jared Leto will just post boxes of shit to everyone. Two Face will now be Four Face with Aaron Eckhart and Tommy Lee Jones looking like Zaphod Beeblebrox. This thing writes itself.”

Cameron promised to work on the film just as soon as his latest Avatar film is released. 

Batmen goes into production in 2030.

MICHAEL KEATON TO RETURN AS BEETLEJUICE TO BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice and Batman.

The veteran superhero actor, Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice in a brand new Batman film. The announcement comes hot on the tail of the news that Keaton will return to play Batman in the upcoming The Flash film. Because of a multi-verse created by The Flash, Keaton will play an ageing Bruce Wayne to act as a super-mentor.

Following this news, Warner and DC have announced Keaton will also star in a multiverse standalone Batman film where he faces off against Beetlejuice. This means that the ghostly clown will be considered ‘canon’ in the DC Universe.

But the Keaton casting news doesn’t end there. Previous Keaton characters will go toe to toe in the new Batman film. Talking snowman, Jack Frost, smart talking 30s wiseguy, Johnny Dangerously and psycho landlord killer Carter Hayes from Pacific Heights will face off against his Batman in the new movie.

‘Because Keaton is playing so many characters, we’re only going to have pay about four or five actors in total.’ Said a DC insider, ‘We’ll save a fortune in actor’s fees.’

‘If this film makes money, we’ll bring back even more Keaton characters in the next film. Because of the success of Birdman, we’d be crazy not have him as another villain. We can also get him to play as many Doug Kinney clones from Multiplicity as we dare get away with. We can milk this cow for as long as we want.’

The Studio Exec asked if these announcements undermined Robert Pattinson’s upcoming stand alone Batman film.

‘Who’s Robert Pattinson? Was he that guy who was knocking one out to a nasty mermaid with the Green Goblin in a lighthouse? Hey, did Michael Keaton ever play the Green Goblin?’

The Flash goes into production early 2021.

5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

ANG LEE LINES UP LITTLE BOOK OF CALM

HOLLYWOOD – Taiwanese director, Ang Lee – fresh off the success of the no-holds-barred action blockbuster The Life of Pi and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk– has signed on to film an adaptation of another unfilmable book, Paul Wilson’s massive best-seller The Little Book of Calm.

‘It’s vacuous, trite and full of semi-mystical bullshit for people who want religion without the pogroms,’ said Lee. ‘I see it as a direct sequel to Pi.’ 

Mr. Lee said that he first came across the book when he was playing with himself:

Life can be quite stressful and  I used to seek relief by following the example of Onan. Well, I spotted this book in a pile after inadvertently hitting it bull’s eye. I opened it at random and read. ‘When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.’ That was it. I was hooked. 

The film has already signed up Joaquin Phoenix and Christian Bale. Bale said that his recent experience in prison has changed him (for more on that story READ HERE): 

I picked up the Little Book of Calm and read: “When you’re feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.” All of a sudden everything seemed okay. And Michael Keaton was just a bad memory.

The Little Movie of Calm will be released in 2018.

SPOTLIGHT – REVIEW

SPOTLIGHT – REVIEW – All the Pope’s Men sees Birdman and the Incredible Hulk lead a newspaper investigation in Boston to bring down endemic child rape in the Catholic church.

Boston has not had a good year in film. First Black Mass reminded everyone of Whitey Bulger and now Tom McCarthy’s Spotlight throws light on the pedophilia scandal that broke in the Catholic church there in the early oughts. Marty Baron (Liev Schreiber) is the new editor of the Boston Globe and is cordially feared as the new broom who has come in to sweep through another series of cuts, but the first in many surprises it turns out that he also wants to gee up the investigative team on the paper, the Spotlight section, and get them doing something relevant to the city. He prods team leader Walter Robinson (Michael Keaton) to have a look at a story of a cover up of child abuse scandal involving a Catholic priest. With the rest of his team Matty Carroll (Brian d’Arcy James), Mike Rezendes (Mark Ruffalo),  and Sacha Pfeiffer (Rachel McAdams) they begin to meticulously uncover a massive systemic problem. As one of the former victims tells them, with over half of all priests violating their vows of celibacy an atmosphere of secrecy and collusion exists where such aberrant behavior can go unchecked. Stanley Tucci also turns up as Stanley Tucci, a lawyer who has been pursuing the church for years and is highly suspicious of the staying power of the journos.

Both a timely reminder of the scandal itself, the aftershocks of which continue to this day and a heartfelt peaen to the kind of investigative print journalism which is becoming ever rarer – the Spotlight team might only do one story a year – Spotlight is an old-fashioned procedural in many ways but it has the heft and the wit to build its own case without histrionics or outrageous villains. The whole of Boston is to some extent at fault and the journalists themselves are left to examine their own consciences rather than run victory laps. A sober and fascinating film.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

COUNTDOWN TO 2016 OSCARS BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The 2015 Academy Awards are over, but now the race is on for the 2016 Oscars and the Studio Exec has its FACT squad standing by.

1. Michael Keaton will receive a nomination for Batman 4. Admittedly, there have been other Batmans and we’re not sure how the numbers add up, but the title will be an obvious homage to the Birdman 4 film that Riggan refused to countenance in Birdman.

2. In an ill-advised attempt to win over Twitter, John Travolta will host the Oscars, ensuring a Lovecraftian vibe with fellow Thetans as guest hosts and everyone else soon becoming ‘hosts’ of another kind when the psychotropic light show renders them all brain slaves ready to enter the Hubbard ship.

3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and The Hateful Eight will be vying for the top spot as well as Leonardo di Caprio in The Revenant and Ron Howard’s In the something of the Sea. As the Academy has proven itself hopelessly poor at the nominating process, cage fights will take the place of ballots and nominees will be eliminated in a series of televised rounds.

4. In an ill-advised attempt to show that basically us show business types are color blind everyone will attend the ceremony in black face. For black guests this will be of course optional. Ridley Scott will be in charge with a spray gun for the forgetful.

5. The women will wear clothes and the men will in a break with tradition  also wear clothes. They will be of different colors and materials, and styles and there will be names attached to them. Anyone who cares about this will later be rounded up, come the revolution.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

KANYE WEST TO CO-HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.

Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster  earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:

We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.

So you’re going to do what?

We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.

Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.

Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.

I can’t wait for the Oscars.

Neither can I.

 The Oscars are Sunday-ish.

BIRDMAN: REVIEW

NEW YORK – Michael Keaton goes meta in Alejandro Inarritu’s best film to date, Birdman.

Batman is trying to make a play on Broadway as a way of getting away from the superhero alter ego – Birdman – who haunts him to this day. Unfortunately he hires the Incredible Hulk, a complete asshole of an actor who is likely to steal the show, or steal Batman’s daughter played by Spider-man’s girlfriend.

Alejandro Inarritu films most of the action in one flowing continuous take (obviously there’s some smokes and mirrors here but the illusion is brilliantly maintained and never looks like a mere gimmick). The writing is top calibre as well, with some corrosively bitchy zingers. Despite the post-modernity and contemporary references this is when it comess down to it a backstage comedy, like Noises Off, or more recently Shakespeare in Love. The Show Must Go On drives the narrative forward even at the risk of the sanity of its protagonist. And there is a biting angry satire, that seeks to demolish just about everything in its path – superhero movies, twitter and youtube celebrity, rehab, journalists, actors, even this very act of criticism itself. The acting is superb, with some career best performances from Edward Norton, Lindsay Duncan, Emma Stone, Zach Galifianakis as well as a toweringly twitchy tormented Michael Keaton.

This is clever, self-conscious, deliriously entertaining cinema at its best.

Birdman will be out presently.

5 THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR AT THE VENICE FILM FESTIVAL

VENICE – The Venice Film Festival kicks off and here are five things you need to look out for or there is a distinct possibility you will die.

1. Birdman is the opening film of the festival and will be celebrated on the red carpet with the entire cast pretending to be birds. Michael Keaton will be a parrot, Emma Stone an emu and the ever dependable Edward Norton is expected to show up as a penguin.

2. Lars Von Trier will be showing his director’s cut of Nymphomaniac which is rumored to last three days and will feature Christian Slater’s penis. After the screening, Von Trier will be burned alive in a huge wicker phallus on the beach.

3. Al Pacino and Ethan Hawke are both appearing in two films and are expected to make much of this. Boasting about it and making silly asses of themselves as they try to impress girls. James Franco however is going to make three films while at the festival and therefore will beat everyone.

4. The jury is led by French composer Alexander Desplat who was named after a sound effect in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

5. Although the Golden Lion is not real gold, it is a real lion. Sofia Coppola was actually eaten by the lion when receiving the award for Somewhere. Unfortunately, she was regurgitated.

Studio Exec will be tweeting and blogging from the Lido from The Venice Film Festival from 27th August to 6th September, 2014. 

CHANNING TATUM TO RETURN TO STRIPPING

HOLLYWOOD – The world of movies was rocked today by the news that Jump Street 22 star Channing Tatum was to return to the world of male stripping from whence he came.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec Mr. Tatum said:

When I was a male stripper all I dreamed of was becoming a Hollywood star. Well, I’ve done that. I’ve worked with the greats like Jonah Hill and Mila Kunis, and I’ve also worked with Gina Carano. Basically I think, it’s been fun but it’s time to get back to doing what I really love doing and what I know I’m good at.

But Channing, you’re a fantastic actor. Why throw that away?

I have to say, I thought the pay would be a bit better. I’m not complaining, but I thought I’d be making at least 60 – 70K a year, but my manager Joey tells me that not even Michael Keaton can command those numbers. You should meet Joey. He’s a cool guy. Used to be Diane Kruger’s food taster. 

So you make more stripping.

Yeah. And I get to express myself. I mean have you ever stripped?

No.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has never been up there. I mean, all these women are looking at you and some gay guys. And you’re wearing half of what’s left of a traffic cop costume. And whipped cream is everywhere, the smell of sweat and tassel glue, you’re humping and grinding away. It’s… artistic. You know.

So that’s it for film. 

Yeah. Unless there’s some stripping involved I don’t think I’ll be interested. We’ll see what Joey says. 

This hasn’t got anything to do with Jupiter Ascending, has it? 

The interview’s over. 

Jupiter Ascending will be released in 2040.

BALE BAILED

MIAMI – Christian Bale is once more a free man as he paid a $10,000 bail and had to put up with a number of strained puns from presiding judge, Justice R. Peters. However, the Rescue Dawn superstar is not completely out of the woods as more accusations were made today.
 Morgan Freeman – Bale’s co-star in the Dark Knight Trilogy – also accused the British born actor of having borrowed several box sets including the entire West Wing and the first two Six Feet Under seasons.

‘He also has my last season of Lost,’ said the Shawshanker (as Mr. Morgan prefers to be known). ‘But he can keep that.’

Mr. Bale’s trial is set to go ahead early next year and if found guilty, he could face the controversial ‘limb-utation’, which has only recently been assigned as a punishment to DVD Box Set Borrowing infringements.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED

MIAMI – Christian Bale was arrested at a hotel suite in Miami, Florida in the early hours of this morning following a 911 call from a man identifying himself as Michael Keaton. A spokesman for the Miami PD in a statement issued shortly after 6 AM said ‘A young Caucasian adult male who has played Batman and is not Michael Keaton, or Adam West, was arrested at his hotel room at 4.13 this morning and charged with illegal possession of property.’
The possessions that were confiscated are thought to be a box set of Season 2 of The Wire which Christian Bale is believed to have borrowed from Mr. Keaton last Christmas and has not, as yet ‘got round  to watching, though I’ve heard some really good things about it,’ as he told Rolling Stone in May. Mr. Keaton befriended Mr. Bale following his casting as Batman:

Christian called me up and asked if I had the second season of The Wire, as he’d just finished the first and was really hooked. I said sure, but I knew what he was really saying to me was come and give me advice, I want to sit at the feet of the master. The Batman.

Some have accused Mr Keaton of resenting Bale’s success in the role and entrapping him. Catherine Zeta Jones screamed at reporters: ‘That Beetlejuice asshole has always had it in for Christian.’ Some have even claimed that Mr Bale was lured to Florida, innocent of that State’s draconian DVD box set laws, which were recently buttressed with a provision allowing for chemical ‘limb-utation’ for anyone keeping a HBO series for more than two months.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 6 LINDSAY LOHAN

MALIBU – Lyndsay Lohan comes to the door looking a wreck. Her hair is pulled back into a pony tail, her eyes are red and her skin is pallid. “Hey Chad! Come on in.”, she says, pecking me lightly on the cheek. “I think it’s time I admitted I’m an addict.”

In her breakfast nook the place looks like a bomb has hit it: a library bomb. There are books everywhere. “A book addict.”“This is in Russian.”, I say, leafing through a heavily notated edition of War and Peace.
“Mostly in Russian.” Lohan says, clearing a space for our food and pouring orange juice. “You’ll notice Tolstoy wrote many of the conversations in French, which his readership would understand and would be the way that Russian nobility would speak to one another.”
“Wow!”
“You need to read it in the original language – otherwise you miss all the nuances. Have you read it Chad?”
“Erm, no.”
“I know what you mean.” Lindsay passes me a plate of waffles with syrup. “The death of grand narratives in history means that the epic novels lack a substantial relevance, but they are still diverting when you need to refresh your mind with some light exercise.”
“So what do you read?”
“When I was doing Herbie Fully Loaded Michael Keaton got me to read some Wittgenstein and it was like discovering Narnia. Jane Fonda told me you can’t read Wittgenstein and not have read Hegel and Kant, so I went to my friend Charlie Sheen and he gave me a full reading list.”
After the waffles, there are pop tarts and raw eggs. “This might surprise some people who see your media image and think you know…”
“That I’m a fuck up? Yeah, I know. But that’s about the relationship between the symbolic and the real.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean the real is there, when you bite into a pop tart and it is too hot – you experience the real. But everything else about the pop tart, the advertising, the packaging, the cultural idea, even the word pop tart, that’s all in the realm of the symbolic. It enslaves, bewilder,s and baffles us. We must liberate ourselves from the symbolic and experience the real. Open ourselves to that.”
“So you’re not a wreck?”
“I want to challenge your definition of wreck.”
“Interesting.”, I say, sipping my orange juice.
I wake up and it’s Monday. I haven’t got my trousers and I’m in down town New York, the wind is blowing and apparently there’s a hurricane coming. I find a text on my phone from Lindsay: “Sorry, there was a bit of orange juice in your vodka.”

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.