POLICE RAID CINEMA CLUBS ACROSS UK

Police raid cinema clubs across the UK in Fight Club-esque scenes. In shocking scenes across the UK, police raid cinema clubs that have been operating in underground facilities. As police raid cinema clubs around the country in scenes similar to Fight Club, The Exec has this following report:


The First Rule Of Cinema Club

Underground warehouses, bar basements and disused churches have all been raided by SWAT style armed police in the last 48 hours. The raids have been a coordinated effort by the authorities to break up the underground organisation known as ‘Cinema Club’. But who is behind it all? Those arrested have so far remained tight lipped about the organisation and its leadership.

 

The Second Rule Of Cinema Club

Rumours of the mysterious organisation have been rife over the last few weeks as the English government has clamped down on ‘Non-Brexit Approved Culture’, banning the works of European film makers such as Truffaut, Almodovar, Haneke and Fellini. English cinemas are now only allowed to show mainstream Hollywood films about straight white men with guns, the entire James Bond franchise and the films of Guy Ritchie, which are predominantly also just about straight white men with guns.

 

I Am Jack’s Tati

In response to this extreme policy, Cinema Club has been raging cinematic guerrilla warfare by showing European and Arthouse films in unauthorized venues across the country. A disused swimming pool in Manchester that was raided was showing Fellini’s 8 & 1/2. Whereas Jacques Tati’s Playtime was shown in a dilapidated Budgens convenience store in Oxford. Scenes that resemble The Battle Of Algiers as cinema fans runs scared from the police. But in Scunthorpe rather than Algiers, and nobody dies.

 

We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure

Nobody truly knows who is behind this clandestine cine-ster organization. One theory suggest disgruntled ODEON employees. Some believe it’s a Film Studies grad, rejected too often by Empire. There are even some who believe Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins are behind it and are in fact the same person. Whoever is behind Cinema Club, they are out there somewhere. They’re the hero everyone deserves but not the hero everyone needs right now. Eh? What does that even mean?

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

MICHAEL HANEKE TO REMAKE THE ACCUSED

VIENNA – Acclaimed film director Michael Haneke is to remake the 80s rape drama The Accused.

The 1988 drama The Accused starred Jodie Foster and Kelly McGillis as a rape victim and her lawyer, revealing that the justice system was skewed in the favor of rapists rather than their accusers. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #MeToo movement, Funny Games and The White Ribbon director, Michael Haneke has decided to remake Jonathan Kaplan’s movie.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It is a movie that has interested me for a long time. I always told my producers if I was to ever remake an American movie it would either be The Cannonball Run 2 or The Accused. michael haneke

Will this be a shot for shot remake like with Funny Games US?

No. In that case the film was mine and so the original was perfect and all I had to do was recreate it faithfully but in English and I knew it would be perfect. And it was. But The Accused has a lot wrong with it and I will need to perfect it with my frosty genius.

Your frosty…

Genius, yes. I’m not afraid of the word.

How have you changed it?

To begin with, in the original the title was supposed to be ironic. The victim is revealed to be the person who is ‘accused’ by the justice system and society at large. In my new film, this irony is removed. I want to focus on the men and how they have been persecuted and hounded, I delve into their lives and for the first time in the history of cinema, show things from the male point of view.

The Accused is in theatres in 2020.

BEN AFFLECK TIPS MICHAEL HANEKE TO TAKE OVER AS DIRECTOR ON THE BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has recommended Michael Haneke to take over as director of The Batman.

As Ben Affleck steps down from The Batman, the star who will still act and co-producer has some firm ideas about his replacement. ‘I think they should get Michael Haneke,’ he told the Studio Exec in an EXCLUSIVE interview:

First, I’ve always loved Michael’s work from The Seventh Continent to The White Ribbon. I think tonally he is a perfect fit for The Batman. And with Funny Games US he’s already shown he can direct in English michael hanekelanguage movies.

But isn’t Batman a more action-oriented picture?

Traditionally yes. But what separates it from other superhero pics is the tone. And Haneke really has that tone. I talked to him a lot about this. I found out he’s actually a huge fan of the DC universe.

And you’re a big fan of his?

Yeah. You know when that Sadfleck gif was going around? Well, that was partly because I’d watched a lot of his movies. A Haneke marathon kind of leaves you like that.

What do you think Will Michael Haneke’s The Batman be a movie you want to see? Comment below.

CANNONBALL RUN TO BE REMADE BECAUSE SOMEONE ON TWITTER SUGGESTED IT

HOLLYWOOD – Cannonball Run will be remade following a question on twitter.

Someone on Twitter today wondered if there was a remake of Cannonball Run on the cards and within minutes the idea was green lit. The Studio Exec was casually trolling through Twitter looking for more reasons to hate himself and his country when he came across the following tweet. 

No sooner had he read it than he was on a conference call with Burt Reynolds and the Dom Deluise estate. Rights secured, it was a matter of seconds before the talents of Ryan Reynolds and Kevin James were enlisted and the matter placed in the safe hands of director Michael Haneke.

The Cannonball Run will be released in 2018.

BILLY BUSH TO STAR IN SWAMP THING BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – Access Hollywood and Tic-Tac salesman Billy Bush is to star in the new Michael Haneke film Swamp Thing Begins.

Swamp Thing Begins is the new take on the Len Wein and Berni Wrightson DC Comic series which has also spawned movies and TV shows as well as a graphic novel from Alan Moore. The new film is to be directed by Austrian auteur Michael Haneke whose second English language film this will be. The inclusion of Billy Bush, officially the twentieth most intelligent Bush in the Bush family, has caused some controversy.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Michael Haneke described the casting process of his new film:

It really was a budgetry concern. This is going to be as cheap as I can make it. Firstly, the idea was Billy had just been fired so we knew he was looking for work. And, secondly, when we contacted him he said he could bring his own slime, which was a bonus.

Swamp Thing Begins will be released in 2018.

 

GAME OF THRONES: THE MOTION PICTURE WILL BE A PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Game of Thrones: The Motion Picture is to be a prequel, sources revealed.

The movie based on popular fantasy book series and hit TV show Game of Thrones is to be a prequel telling the story of young Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon and the war against the mad King Aerys Targaryean. Script writer and director Michael Haneke spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the project:

We’re really psyched about this. Usually I make films which are much more well, European I suppose. Austrian mostly. I like dourness and despair, but when I got the meeting with the Game of Thrones people I knew we were all essentially on the same page. The story of Robert and Ned and the rebellion against the mad king is already told and hinted at in the show but we will be going into the depths of the agony, pain, sadism and torture and a lot of what we will show is going to shock fans and leave them with an overwhelming sense of existential dread. So for me this is like a feel good movie.

Although there is no news as yet to the cast the project is expected to begin shooting this Fall. George RR Martin has already given his blessing but will not be working on the script because, as Haneke puts it, ‘we want it finished within the decade’.

Game of Thrones: The Motion Picture will be released in 2018.

HANEKE AND FARRELLY BROTHERS COLLABORATE ON FUNNIER GAMES

AUSTRIA – Famed Austrian auteur and misery Michael Haneke is to team up with some of the legends of American gross out comedy to remake Funny Games for the second time.

Having won the Palmes D’Or and the Oscars for his film Amour, Michael Haneke is considered by many to be at the top of his art house game. And so yesterday’s announcement came out of the blue, as – in a joint press conference with Pete and Bobby Farrelly, he announced a sequel to his only American made film, Funny Games, provisionally entitled Funnier Games.

The 2007 film which featured Naomi Watts and Tim Roth being terrorized by Michael Pitt and chum in white tennis toggs was something of a misstep for the director and he has since gone on record regretting the film, which was a remake of a film he had already made in German in 1997. The idea for a sequel came when the director saw the film again in a small Los Angeles theater.

Haneke recalled:

There was this raucous laughter coming from the back all the way through the film, and I thought how wonderful, finally someone who understands my admittedly bleak Austrian sense of humor.  After the film I followed the men who had been laughing and cornered them at the McDonald’s where they were drinking out of one soda carton with two straws.

‘We thought Mikey’s work was unbelievable, like totally,’ says Bobby.

‘Misunderstood,’ says Petey. ”The Seventh Continent? Hilarious. Hour of the Wolf? Hilarious. The White Ribbon? I pissed my pants it was so funny.’

‘He totally did,’ says Bobby. ‘He pissed his pants.’

The new film will feature Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey, killing children amidst hapless escapades and gross out humor.

‘He really did piss his pants,’ Bobby assured us. Again.

Funny Games will be released in 2017.

MICHAEL HANEKE EYES LEGO MOVIE 2

HOLLYWOOD – He said he’d never do it, but Austrian film director Michael Haneke is considering taking the helm of The Lego Movie 2.

Phil Lord and Chris Miller spoke about the Funny Games and White Ribbon director’s involvement with The Lego Movie 2 and his involvement with their previous projects:

Michael likes to keep the worlds seperate, but in truth he has been a part of our creative team since the very beginning. He is fascinated by the duality of life. On one side you have the brutality of existence and on the other the hopelessness of existence. We first met him when we were young film students and he was making Funny Games (US). We had a script for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and he very generously read it and gave us some notes.

What were the notes?

He said that the main character, Flint Lockwood, should die at the end. And Sam Sparks should die. And Flint’s dad should die. Everybody should die basically and food should take over the world. We obviously decided to go in another direction, but he encouraged us to work harder for the comedy.

How will he be involved in The Lego Movie 2?

Michael basically wrote the first two drafts of the first film. The whole subversion of capitalism thing was him. Very few people know this, but Michael also wrote the lyrics to Everything is Awesome, which when you think about it is awesome. Naturally we went to him for ideas on the sequel and jokingly asked if he would be interested in directing it. At first he was unsure because he is also scripting 23 Jump Street and he’s wrapping up production of the Amour sequel, but we are very hopeful he is going to say yes.

How will The Lego Movie 2 be different with Michael Haneke directing?

I’m not sure it’ll be darker. After all, Michael likes to defy expectations, but the script is in and we’re really looking forward to seeing what he can do.

The Lego Movie 2: Extinction will be filming in 2016.

RICHARD LINKLATER’S 24 HOUR FILM CHALLENGE FAILS

HOLLYWOOD – Boyhood and Before Midnight director, Richard Linklater has failed in his attempt to script, shoot, edit and release a feature film within 24 hours.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Linklater complained:

There simply wasn’t enough time. I mean twenty four hours to write a script is already pushing it, but to film the script, edit it and have it show in movie theaters…? It was a foolhardy attempt to say the least.

Why did you accept the challenge?

I was drunk and it was Michael Haneke who told me I couldn’t do it. He kept saying ‘Linklater’s a slowdy coach.’ His English isn’t great. And anyway I’m not having the asshole who made Funny Games twice tell me what I can and cannot do.

Is it true he also made disparaging remarks about your hair?

Yes, it is. And he’s Austrian for crying out loud. Austrian! The country that invented bad hair.

What was the film going to be about?

It was called Day Care and it was a bout this young guy (Chris Pine) who is working in a day care center and there’s this old lady, played by Judi Dench and a kind of gentle unlikely friendship evolves over the course of the day.

How far did you get with the film?

Well, I decided that if I was going to do it, I needed to cut out some parts of the film making process, so I dumped the script once I had the synopsis and decided the whole thing would be improvised. Luckily Chris Pine doesn’t have much experience acting so he was fine with that. And Judi was very game. We filmed for eight hours and I though we had it in the bag so we rushed over to the editing suite. Everything was digital and I had a minimum of takes, mostly just the one take for each scene.

And so you stalled in editing?

No, we put together a rough assembly and then watched it through tweaking her and there. And at the same time I was adding music that our composer was improvising on a range of instruments we’d brought in for him.

So the film was completed?

No, unfortunately not.  You see, as soon as I saw the film in its complete form I realized that the story was incomplete. Yes, we know what happens to Chris and Judi on this day, but for us to be true to the characters I wanted to know what happened to them for the next twenty years and given our limitations – imposed on us by Haneke – I decided to surrender rather than release something I couldn’t live with.

So you’re going to take the time and complete the film?

No, I deleted all of it. And I have to wear a t-shirt that Haneke sent me which has writing saying ‘I’m a foolish head’ with an arrow that points up to the wearer, that is me.

Day Care will never be seen. 

EDGAR WRIGHT REVEALS WHY HE LEFT ANT-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – British film director Edgar Wright has revealed for the first time the real reason he left the Marvel project Ant-Man: his commitment to practical effects.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, the Sean of the Dead director spoke for the first time of his differences with Marvel producer Kevin Feige:

[quote]Marvel has become a very well oiled machine. You have to remember I was working on the Ant-Man script long before Iron Man and The Avengers had come out. Before Thor and Captain America too. So Marvel were very open to the direction I was taking, which was going to rely on practical effects exclusively. I hate CGI and would never use it in a film of mine. Of course that meant I had to construct huge sets and film Paul Rudd from a distance with a long lens so that he’d look small. I also had him on a diet and made him sleep in this contraption, kind of the opposite of those medieval torture machines, you know the rack, the opposite of that. [/quote]

You mean….?

Yeah, instead of stretching him, it would crush him into a smaller version of Paul Rudd. If you watch Prince Avalanche you’ll actually see his size shifts as the film progresses. Worse than Kate Winslett in Titanic. Ha ha. Well, he complained a little and Marvel began to talk about using CGI. I said no and our arguments got progressively more heated. I suppose the straw that broke the camel’s back was when I fired Rudd.

You fired Paul Rudd?

Yeah. I wasn’t satisfied with his performance. I thought instead of having a man with the powers of an ant, I could more easily train an ant to act convincingly as a man. And for once my option would have been cheaper. But we, me and Marvel, disagreed. It became obvious that Marvel wanted Ant-MAN, whereas I was making ANT-man. So in the end we had two incompatible visions, but there should be no hard feelings. I wish them luck. Although I wish they hadn’t replaced me with that hack Haneke.

Michael Haneke’s Ant-Man will be released in 2015.

 

KRULL: NEGLECTED MASTERPIECE

 HOLLYWOOD – Film makers from all over the globe have added their voices to a growing tsunami of public opinion demanding that 1983 British fantasy film Krull be elevated to the status of Best Film of All Time.

 Michael Haneke even staged a protest at the Oscars on Sunday, refusing to speak in his usual pristine Oxford accent and instead pretending to be German: ‘It went over their heads,’ he later complained.

Steven Spielberg – making his first public pronouncement after having become the President of the Jury at Cannes – reviled film programmers everywhere for neglecting a film he rates as ‘Better than Lawrence of Arabia, but not quite as good as Red Sonja.’

Dissident Chinese artist Ai Weiweiweiwie tweeted: ‘Without #Krull, Rien!’ And noted Slovakian philosopher Slavoj Zizek argued in his essay ‘The Glaive: a five pronged phallus!’ that Krull ‘shits on Vertigo FROM A HEIGHT!’

The popularity of the film however has also provoked a backlash from Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane. ‘I’m in it,’ said Neeson to express his argument against the film’s rediscovery.

The list of powerful advocates now includes Matt Damon (a self-professed Krull-ite), Ben Affleck (who thanked Krull just after Canada) and  the prestigious British Film Institute which has promised to screen it ‘some time in the next five minutes’.

MICHAEL HANEKE TO DIRECT ANT-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following the departure of Edgar Wright, rumour has been rife about who will succeed him in the director’s chair for the Marvel movie Ant-Man, but now we have a name: Funny Games director Michael Haneke.

Kevin Feige – announcing the decision –  said:

We are absolutely delighted to have a film-maker of Mike’s calibre on board. He has a visual style that fits the Marvel universe and knows exactly what we want to do. We’ve had many great directors – Joss Whedon, and Kenneth Branagh,  and we also had Jon Favreau.

What do you think Haneke will bring to the franchise?

Primarily his sensibility. He has that European outlook which will really go well with Ant-Man. Plus he worked well with Paul Rudd.

Haneke worked with Rudd?

Yeah, in The White Ribbon, he had an uncredited role. Rudd loves his art house. He was raped in a Gaspar Noé film, I forget which one.

But isn’t it a risk giving such a big budget to a director unfamiliar with the genre?

Unfamiliar? Are you kidding me? For starters, Haneke loves comic books, his agent says. And he showed he could handle this kind of material in Benny’s Video and Spider-man.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Don’t you know he did three Spider-Man films? The last one wasn’t great shakes, but…

That was Sam Raimi.

Haneke borrowed Sam Raimi’s name as his nom de plume. He didn’t want his Cineaste credentials besmirched.

But I thought Raimi…

Couldn’t direct you to your table if he owned the restaurant. No, it was all Haneke. From Army of Darkness on. 

Wow.

Yeah. 

Ant-Man will be released in 2015.    

LARS VON TRIER EXPLODES

COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.

The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang. 

Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’

The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’

However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.

Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’

VINCE VAUGHN TO LAUNCH COMEDY CAREER

HOLLYWOOD – Vince Vaughn announced yesterday that he is going to try his hand at comedy in The Internship, which co-stars Owen Wilson.

The forty seven year old Vince Vaughn told the Studio Exec: ‘I’m tired of the heavy roles I’ve been playing of late and I want to do something a little lighter. The world is depressing enough already, am I right?’

Vaughn’s career began promisingly enough with the bleakly beautiful Swingers, but soon his CV was checkered by depressing film after depressing film, such as The Wedding Crashers, The Break Up, Dodge Ball, Uncle Lover and The Watch. In each film fans of Mr. Vaughn were treated to the same performance of a washed up Lothario with delusions of wit and buckets of self-hatred, driven on to stupidity and excess by a massive structuring absence where his soul is supposed to be. His one break from depressing high drama was the light hearted rom-com Psycho in which he hilariously stabs Anne Heche to death (SPOILER for fifty years ago). Vaughn explains his change of heart:

I knew that perhaps I’d gone too far with the serious material when I bumped into Michael Haneke at a single’s night and he pretended not to know who I was.

Vaughn justifies his choice of depressing material:

America is a sick depraved patriarchal society, run by bone headed men who think that the words ‘rape’ and ‘culture’ go together. My work is an expose of the virulent sore that festers at the core of 21st Century masculinity. That said I’m hoping this next film will prove I can do comedy. Hey, there’s a first time for everything.

The Internship is available.