FLATLINERS 2 WILL BE META

HOLLYWOOD – Flatliners remake will get a sequel – Flatliners 2 – despite atrocious reviews.

Michael Douglas announced Flatliners 2. The remake of the 1991 Joel Schumacher thriller about medical students exploring death died at the box office and with the critics. The follow up will take the first film’s fate as its inspiration. A source close to the production told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s going to be really meta. We’re going to have a bunch of film students who in order to explore what is wrong with Hollywood start to experiment with how to remake Flatliners, a remake starring Ellen Page of a relatively uninteresting Kiether Sutherland thriller. The film is death itself. Way too long and uninteresting with no right to exist. I mean no one really liked the 1991 version either. So they go in deep, but before you know it they’re going in deeper trying to remake Herbie Reloaded and Total Recall again.

Flatliners 2 will be released in 2019.

 

SHARON STONE AND GLENN CLOSE TO STAR IN BASIC ATTRACTION

HOLLYWOOD – Glenn Close and Sharon Stone are to star in Basic Attraction.

Whether its boiling the bunny or flashing the beaver, Sharon Stone and Glenn Close owned illicit sex in the eighties and nineties. Now they’re back with a mash up of their successful movies Fatal Attraction from 1987 and Basic Instinct from 1992. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas explained the project to a sceptical Studio Exec:

You liked Alien? You liked Predator? Okay, so you get Alien Vs Predator and you get a movie that is twice as good as either, am I right?

Er… No. 

So we were talking me and Glenn and Sharon and we thought wouldn’t it be funny if we put Catherine Tramell and Alex in a film together and see what happens. They are both versions of female sexuality that for some reason threatened men. It’s weird. Overwhelmingly it is women who are the victims of sexual violence, but we keep making these femme fatale movies. It’s almost as if our jobs were to demonize the victims and skew the world so that the people who are responsible don’t ever have to face up to it. Anyway, they said, it’d be fun and so we’re going to do it.

Who’s directing?sharon stone

Adrian Lyne is going to do direct the first half and Paul Verhoeven is coming in to finish off.

What’s the story?

Catherine is writing a novel about Alex but Alex comes back to life and so they hunt down Michael Douglas in order to get their revenge.

So Michael Douglas is involved as well?

He doesn’t know yet. But yes he’s involved. And so are his pets.

Basic Attraction will be released in 2018.

ROMANCING THE STONE TO GET A SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Much loved eighties action adventure Romancing the Stone is to get a sequel, it was revealed today.

Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas are set to return in a long-awaited Romancing the Stone sequel. Turner will return as novelist Joan Wilder who will continue her adventures with hard-boiled tough guy Jack T. Colton (Douglas). The mad cap caper is set in north Africa and will also feature Danny DeVito in the role of Ralph, Jack’s untrustworthy sidekick. Director Robert Zemeckis spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Ever since we did Romancing the Stone we have wanted to go back and revisit these much loved characters. there was even talk about doing a sequel right after the first one, but I don’t remember what happened to that idea. This one will be really fast though. We have the script and the actors. We’re not getting any younger and so it’s time.

The Jewel of the Nile will be released in 1985.

RONDA ROUSEY TO STAR IN ALL FEMALE REMAKE OF FALLING DOWN

HOLLYWOOD – Mixed Martial Arts star Ronda Rousey looks to further her acting chops with a starring role in Sofia Coppola’s all female remake of the Joel Schumacher classic Falling Down.

Ronda Rousey is due to take on the role that Michael Douglas made his own, playing Deborah Fens (D-fens) in Sofia Coppola’s remake of Falling Down. She came into the Studio Exec Fighting Gym to discuss her new role:

The thing is it turned out I’m not that good at fighting. And Mixed Martial Arts and all that stuff it kind of depends on you being really good at fighting. I managed okay for a while by knocking out my opponents before we actually had to fight but the minute I met someone like Holly Holm, she just took me to the cleaners and I gotta say, it really hurt. Really bad. I mean: Ow! So I thought I’d go the route of the acting. Like Gina Carano in Haywire. She was fantastic in that film. And in … erm … did she do any other films?

I think she was in one of the Fast and Furiouses.

Right. So there you go. She’s very much the Laurence Olivier of MMA fighters turned actors.

So Falling Down.

It started as a joke. Someone said I should star in the remake of Falling Down because I’m really good at falling down. Ha ha.  But then I found out Sofia Coppola was doing a remake and she isn’t discerning when it comes to actors, so I gave her a call and she said that she had just been about to call me.

How will it be different from the Michael Douglas original?

Well, instead of Michael Douglas, there’ll be me. So that’s one difference. And we’re going to make it a bit more action packed. Although at the same time, Air are going to do the soundtrack and on Sofia’s screenplay there are whole pages where she’s just written the word ‘dreamy’ over and over again. Oh and my character has to deal with this older man who she is kind of in love with but also thinks of as a father figure. It’s in Sofia’s contract that she does it in every movie. I don’t know why.

Falling Down with Ronda Rousey will be released in 2018. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MY FAVORITE FILM: CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Yeah, you thought it was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, didn’t you? Or Super Size Me, eh? I know how you think, you shmucks! Well, it ain’t.

It’s the Joel Schumacher 1993 drama Falling Down starring everyone’s favourite canyon yodeller, Michael Douglas. What an actor! What a guy! You know here’s the guy who has uncovered the threat that the Chinese pose in The China Syndrome, as well as the Japanese in Black Rain; how dangerous wives are in Battle of the Roses; lovers are in Fatal Attraction and lesbians in Basic Instinct. He ticks my boxes. I’ll tell you.  

What do I like abut this film? What’s not to like! The film follows a day in the life of a defence contractor, who one day abandons his car in the middle of what can only be described as Fellini-esque traffic jam. Yeah Fellini-esque! Yeah, I know Fellini. You turn off the after the bridge and tell him Chris sent you. Get the spicy sausage with the stuffed crust. It’s Neo-Real! Ha ha!


Anyway as he makes his way through Los Angeles, Mr. Douglas basically comes across political correctness gone crazy, immigrants, crime gone mad, police helpless and he goes a bit Zimmerman on their asses. No, not Bob you assholes. George. This is so humiliating. 

The best thing about the film – and everyone agrees – is the opening scene which is like this Dante vision of hell as a traffic jam. All those LA assholes broiling in this absolute Carmageddon! It makes you happy to live in the Garden State. Where such a thing could never happen. 

My second favourite film is Weekend by Jean Luc Godard. It’s like Falling Down but with tons of garlic.

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SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS ROBERT ZEMECKIS

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer recalls his encounter with Robert Zemeckis and the birth of an American masterpiece.

Being an old hand at all this Hollywood lark I feel almost duty bound to lend the benefit of my experience to the younger generations as they make way their way up through the ranks. Some are kind enough to listen, others just look at me the way Lassie used to look at Jayne Russell, before slowly shaking their heads and turning away. But without my help, and passion for gardening, one of the most successful franchises in this business we still lovingly call show may have never come to pass.

A few years ago I suddenly got a call from a talented young director called Robert Zemeckis. He’d just had a hit with a picture called Romancing The Stone starring Kirk Douglas’s little boy, Michael. Bobby, as I instantly came to know and love him, wanted to talk to me about his next project. It was to be a comedy about time travel. I invited him over for a chat and one of my ex-wives served us drinks in the garden while the smoke from Paul Newman’s barbecue wafted over the fence. The smell was truly awful so we went for a wander ‘round the grounds and I showed Bobby some of my favourite plants, including a fuchsia that Claude Rains left me in his will. We spent an absolute age walking up and down the long borders trying to think of a suitable name for this film of his. Eventually I looked up and noticed we’d returned to the exact same spot we left all those hours earlier, but we were still no nearer a title.
‘Well,’ I said ‘here we are. Back to the fuchsia.’
And the rest as we so often say in Hollywood, is history…
Bobby was kind enough to show his gratitude by offering me the role of Dr Emmett Brown, but an in-growing toenail and some tax problems that forced me to leave for Switzerland under an assumed name meant I had to politely say no. I could tell he was disappointed and I promised to make it up to him by telling him about the time Marlene Dietrich asked me to put up some shelves in her new bungalow. 
But that’s another story…

MICHAEL DOUGLAS RECEIVES MAGIC BLUE PENIS

JERUSALEM – Michael Douglas was on stage in Jerusalem last night to receive a Magic Blue Penis from the hands of Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

The Magic Blue Penis is given every five years to men of proven virility and Michael Douglas received it ‘in recognition of his cockmanship and priapism’, as the official statement read. Former recipient Jay Leno shared the stage with Douglas and the Israeli Prime Minister, along with a number of extraordinarily ugly Russian oligarchs who were intent on touching the Magic Blue Penis which is said to have magic powers. Netanyahu, in presenting the award, congratulated Michael Douglas on years of potency:

In your private life you have had some troubles with this, but you have overcome them in a way that makes everyone who has a large manhood proud. In your professional life, you have given us classics such as Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, War of the Roses and Disclosure, showing that the man with the penis is always surrounded by crazy ladies, who he must love, but also occasionally kill. Now with the Magic Blue Penis, which is the stamp of approval that men yearn for everywhere, we believe you will be able to go back to America and spread messages of peace, inclusiveness and girth.

The Magic Blue Penis was first discovered near the source of the Nile. Scientists still squabble about its exact composition, but no one has ever called into question its effects. Even a brief exposure to the penis will render the holder irresistible to women and elephants.

Michael Douglas was eager to thank his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, and his father Kirk Douglas for being an inspiration. The runner up prize – the Magic Blue Balls – was awarded to David Letterman for services to television.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS TO PLAY SILVIO BERLUSCONI

ROME – Having brought Liberace to the big screen in Behind the Candelabra, Michael Douglas is playing another real life cocksman in Franco Zefferelli’s Bunga Bunga: The Fast Life and Hard Times of Silvio Berlusconi.

The ex-Italian Prime Minister, convicted fraudster and ‘bunga-bunga’ specialist is currently serving a community service for his shenanigans, but expressed his delight at becoming the subject of a Hollywood motion picture.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It’s about time! Ha ha ha. My life it was already like a Hollywood movie. I was a singer on the cruise ships, like Frank Sinatra but with more talent, and then I got a break with a lot of money. Don’t ask me where the money came from it is better not to say. Then it was like a Martin Scorsese movie. I had it all. I got into real estate and TV. I was a star, an entrepreneur and lived like a king. Then I got into politics.

What advice would you give Michael Douglas in playing you?

I am very happy Mr. Douglas is playing me. He is a virile red blooded young man, just like myself, with a full head of luxuriant hair, just like myself.  He is also renowned as a great one with the ladies. Although he seems to like older ladies. Each to his own I suppose. And he’s a wonderful singer. I would give him the advice to use a lot  of humor. I myself as well as being an astute political operator, a daring business leader and a champion of Catholic morality, am also a man with a stunningly funny sense of humor.

Bunga Bunga: The Fast Life and Hard Times of Silvio Berlusconi will be released in 2015.

CATHERINE ZETA JONES ASKS EVERYONE TO STOP SNIGGERING

HOLLYWOOD – Catherine Zeta Jones actress and wife of Michael Douglas has requested formally that everyone stop sniggering when she enters a room.

The request came after her husband revealed in an interview with the British newspaper The Manchester Guardian that his cancer may have been caused by cunnilingus.

A statement issued by a PR firm representing the actress stated:

Following recent statements by my husband regarding the possible cause of his medical condition, my life has been made very difficult. Every time I enter a restaurant, a party, a public function or a place of worship, there is an immediate silence which is then followed by a sudden  explosion of hushed giggling and comments. This is making my life very difficult as I keep hearing the tail end of remarks that seem to refer to my lady parts.

The statement goes on for some pages as the Darling Buds of May and Zorro star lists various ways in which her southern zones have been imputed and denigrated.

I would just like everything to go back to normal and for my public appearances not to be besmirched by any more ridiculous fanny prattle.  

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BEHIND THE CANDELABRA: REVIEW

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA: REVIEW – Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) goes to Las Vegas and gets a job looking after and being companion to Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas).

This is the film that was too gay for the studios and represents Steven Soderbergh’s second final film this year, so there is ample room for some edgy gay jokes or just the odd cheap shot at the bald eagle of Indy cinema, but to tell you the truth the film is so well pitched and so entertaining as to make such derision both tasteless and pointless.

Exploring the loneliness of fame, Douglas is fantastic as the needy and remarkably canny Lee, someone who is aware of his own status and the fine line he treads between camp openness and possible scandal. At times tender and at other ruthless, the performance veers close to but never tips into parody, and like Soderbergh’s film as a whole explores camp and all the gaudy horrors and delights that entails, but never itself – apart from one short dream sequence and the actual stage shows – indulges in camp itself. Damon has the quieter and perhaps more difficult role of the innocent gradually corrupted, but with his white bread naivety and fresh faced charm, he is utterly convincing, like a talented Mark Wahlberg.

Liberace has become something of a forgotten figure and this film will reignite interest in him not only as a dazzling showman, but also as a victim to what for all its glitter was a benighted age when it came to the politics of sexuality.

SODERBERGH: ‘LIBERACE WAS GAY’

HOLLYWOOD- Famous film director and hat model, Steven Soderbergh shocked the film world with the announcement that his biopic of legendary pianist and entertainer Liberace, entitled Behind the Candelabrawill show that the performer and heterosexual icon was in fact gay!

Michael Douglas – who plays Wladziu Valentino Liberace – expressed surprise at the director’s announcement: ‘I played him straight. Liberace won court cases against people implying he was gay. I suppose Steven has a right to his own interpretation.’

Matt Damon – who plays Liberace’s gay lover – was less surprised: ‘Everyone knows he’s gay right? I’m surprised it’s even been brought up as an issue.’

Soderbergh’s film will be shown on HBO as all the major studios turned it down because – according to the director – ‘It was too gay.’