REGINALD PERRIN THE MOVIE BEGINS SHOOTING

HOLLYWOOD – The Exec can exclusively reveal everyone’s favorite ‘he who must not be named’ is to starring in Reginald Perrin The Movie. Ralph Fiennes has started shooting Reginald Perrin The Movie in London, with Charlie Kaufman directing. We spoke with Ralph Fiennes about the project.

Ralph, What Drew You To Reginald Perrin The Movie?

People say I look like Leonard Rossiter. That’s about it, really. Oh, and the money was good.

Was That It?

At first, yeah. But then they got Charlie on board to direct it. So it went from a low budget remake of a beloved 70s British sit-com to some kind of meta upon meta, upon meta version of Leonard Rossiter’s life. Honestly, I haven’t got Scooby Doo what’s going on now. But then Netflix came on board. So therefore the budget shot up, as did my fee. Happy fucking days innit!

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Changes From The 70s BBC Version We All Know?

I’ll try, but you know, it’s a Charlie Kaufman movie so who the fuck knows what’s going on. It’s pretty much the same up until the point Reggie fakes his own suicide. He then comes back as Leonard Rossiter and auditions for 2001: A Space Odyssey. The script then keeps changing between Reggie’s and Leonard’s lives. They both judge each other with a melancholic, self-referencing, self-loathing irony. You know, standard Charlie Kaufman stuff. Everyone drifts away until it’s just them, sat in a room staring at each other as they discuss the merits of the Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais so-called comedy, Water. That was Leonard’s last film. I think Michael Caine has agreed to play himself.

Jesus.

Hey, you said it man. Nobody f- oh wait. Hang on, that’s the Coens, not Kaufman. My apologies. Wrong meta gag. Can you tell me what’s real please? I’m getting tired of Charlie’s shit.

Reginald Perrin The Movie Is Due Out Next Year

TENET CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER TWO DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Eagerly awaited Tenet is almost two days long, according to reports.

Christopher Nolan‘s new film Tenet has a new running time: 46 hours 28 minutes. We learned the figure today from someone on twitter who has fifteen followers and an egg for an avatar. However, film twitter are going wild with the news.

We spoke with Christopher Nolan about his new film and the running time.

So Chris, two days.

Yes, almost that’s right. We think we need a large canvas. IMAX. Almost two days of running time. So bring a bag of crisps and a thermos.

And it’s about time?

Yes. It’s about inversion of time. And it’s about a bunch of people, a hit time of highly skilled professionals doing something that can very easily be read as a metaphor for film making and then everyone in the cinema will go ah! and nod. They work for the government in a kind of agency or something and they’re going to prevent something that’s worse than the apocalypse.

What’s worse than the apocalypse?

An aeroplane exploding!

Brilliant.  

But seriously. This is going to be my masterpiece. It’s like a Wagner film.

What Hart to Hart?

Not Robert Wagner you dolt.

Tenet stars John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Dimple Kapadia, Michael Caine and Branagh.

 

AFTER BREXIT CHILDREN OF MEN RECLASSIFIED AS DOCUMENTARY

LONDON – Following the shock result of the UK referendum to leave the European Union, the dystopian satire Children of Men has been reclassified as a documentary.

The British Film Institute has reclassified Alfonso Cuaron’s 2006 dystopian satire Children of Men following the Brexit result of the UK referendum on the European Union. A spokesperson for the BFI said:

The thing is we originally thought that the racism and hatred towards immigrants shown in Cuaron’s film was over the top, but actually we see that it is the driving thought of most little Englanders, of who there are much more than we realized.

But why is the BFI making such a political stance?

Well, did you like An Education? Or Hunger? Or Macbeth, Nanny McPhee, Amy, or Tinker Tailor, Soldier ,Spy? Or Game of Thrones? Or Under the Skin, or Pride, or Berbarian Sound Studio?

I didn’t like Nanny McPhee.

But did you like The Lobster, fish Tank, Belle? Shaun the Sheep?

Yes.

Then those were all made with vital help from the EU Media fund which paid the UK over 130 million pounds over the last decade. That won’t be there anymore.

Oh.

Exactly.

Children of Men star Clive Owen.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

47 FILMS: 39. THE DAY THE EARTH CAUGHT FIRE

In our continuing series of ’47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at Val Guest’s British disaster movie: The Day the Earth Caught Fire.

You don’t usually expect a disaster movie to be made in Britain. Strange because H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds is probably one of the earliest templates for the disaster film. And other English writers such as John Wyndham and JG Ballard have made entire careers out of imagining the United Kingdom being variously flooded, burned up, taken over by weird children or invaded by killer potted plants. Val Guest’s amazingly stark Hammer channels some of this foreboding. Peter Stenning (Edward Judd) is an angry young man very much in the Albert Finney / Richard Burton mold. A jaded Fleet Street journo with a drink problem, a broken marriage and a complete disinterest in his work. However, when the Russians and the US test two nuclear bombs at the same time the course of the Earth is altered and the world is sent hurtling towards the sun. Of course, this isn’t immediately obvious as the government tries to hush things up, but Stenning with the help of the beautiful Janet Munroe, as a Met Office secretary who might have the secret to what is going on. It isn’t that Stenning discovers himself a crusading reporter. In fact, there’s a glum lack of melodrama and instead a pessimistic drift towards disaster as the unseasonably warm weather becomes something more sinister.

With some amazing scenes of desolation prefiguring 28 Days Later, the thin veneer of civilization is scratched and mad partying takes over. Leo McKern is superb as Peter’s long suffering pal. Less good is the actual editor of the Daily Express who plays himself unconvincingly. For extra points try and spot an extremely early appearance by the young Michael Caine.

For more of our ‘47 Films to see Before you are Murdered in your Dreams’ Click Here.

WILL FERRELL AND JOHN C REILLY REMAKE WITHOUT A CLUE

HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly re-team to remake 1988 Sherlock Holmes comedy Without a Clue.

John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell are back again after their successful comic partnering in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights. The occasion is a remake of Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine comedy Without a Clue.

Ferrell told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re going to call it Holmes & Watson but it’s effectively Without a Clue 2.

What was your inspiration for taking on the world’s most famous detective?

Mostly the fact it hasn’t been done. Oh, yes you can go back to the old Basil Rathbone films but since then nothing.

What about the BBC TV show Sherlock? And Elementary?

Yes, but that’s TV.

And the Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes?

Was that actually based on Sherlock Holmes. I thought it was an Iron Man prequel. The point is none of them have used humor.

But…

And so we’re going to be a completely original remake of Without a Clue.

Holmes & Watson will be released in 2017.

DISNEY ANNOUNCE SEVEN DWARFS TO GET SEVEN STAND ALONE MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have announced that the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White are to each receive a stand alone live action movie.

Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are to each receive a stand alone spin off movie, produced by the Disney Studios. The Studio Exec spoke with Peter Dinklage who is to star in all of the movies.

So you happy with this Pete?

On the one hand yes. The timing couldn’t be better. Filming is due to start on the first later this year. Game of Thrones is winding down. And Pete’s gotta eat! But…

Reservations?

Well, when they first talked to me about it I did have a bit of a worry that I was going to be typecast, as basically, you know a dwarf.

I see. 

But I spoke with my good friend Michael Caine.

I didn’t know you knew Michael Caine.

Oh we’ve been friends since The Station Agent.

Right.

And he said I should go back to the original and watch it again. He said that I should look for the core of each character and so that’s what I did. I went back and looked for the core of the character.

And…?

Well, I found that one of them was kind of angry all the time. Always in a bad mood.

Grumpy.

Exactly. So I thought, okay I have his core. Michael comes from the Stanislavksi school, so that’s why he was giving me this advice and so am I. The next one seemed always to be tired, fatigued, in need of bed…

Sleepy?

Yeah, exactly. So I had his core and so on and so forth. One was intelligent so I thought to myself what if he were a PhD?

Doc!

Wow! Exec, you’re reading my mind.

But those are just the names of the Seven Dwarfs, Peter.

Get outta town.

For reals. 

That Caine’s a piece of shit.

Peter Dinklage will next be seen in Dopey.

 

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AND MICHAEL CAINE STEAL OSCARS FROM BLACK PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – The controversy concerning Oscars and diversity continues as Michael Caine and Charlotte Rampling allegedly broke into several houses last night and stole the Oscars won by black actors and directors.

Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine last night have broken into the houses of several famous black actors and Hollywood players – including Denzel Washington, Steve McQueen, Lupita Nyong’o and Spike Lee – and stole the Oscars which they won. Charlotte Rampling told a French radio station:

It’s not fair that black people win Oscars. It’s racist against white people who are dying in all parts of the world because they haven’t won an Oscar.

According to her own confession, the two actors set out with a map and a set of housebreaking tools around seven thirty last night and by early this morning has accrued several Academy Awards which they proudly showed off to photographers (see picture above). Michael Caine was rather less bullish in his remarks, telling the BBC:

It’s all just a bit of fun really. To tell you the truth I’ve always been a little bit in love with Charlotte so she can ask me to do anything and I’m game. Of course, we’ll give the Oscars back, but I think we’re going to have a little fun and make it into something like a treasure hunt or something.

Lupita Nyong’o was actually in when the Rampling Caine robbery team called round and said that she grew suspicious when Charlotte Rampling asked to use the bathroom and then was found poking around in the bedroom.

The police said that they weren’t investigating the incident because Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine are both white.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MICHAEL CAINE SAYS ALL BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD GO BACK TO EUROPE

LONDON – 83 Year old actor Michael Caine has stirred controversy across the internet by speaking in an interview and letting out great wafting opinion balloons that are now floating in the upper atmosphere causing confusion among astronauts and the pilots of passenger jets.

In the full interview that we haven’t read or listened to it (I think it was the Today program) Michael Caine said something along the lines of:

All black people should go back to where they came from: Europe! The refugee crisis has been caused by faceless European bureaucrats and it doesn’t seem fair that they are demanding that they all get Oscars. I’m not going to vote for an actor to get an Oscar just because some unelected Euro-crat in Brussels says I have to because he’s an immigrant and black. I watched Idris Elba in Beast of No Nation and I thought he was great and just because he’s British and not European and a refugee from Europe I’m not allowed to vote for him. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean this is racism really. It’s about time that Britain left Europe, and I don’t mean by severing political and economic ties, I mean by us all getting long wooden sticks, standing on the east coast and punting the bloody island as far into the Atlantic as Ireland would allow. I forgot about Ireland. Maybe we could go a bit South as well. The weather would be nicer for a start. Anyway these are details David Cameron can sort out later.

Twitter was outraged that the star of Zulu and Ashanti said some stuff that someone else had tweeted to them who hadn’t read the interview either. Everyone is angry and no one is happy. But at least his trending didn’t mean he’s dead, which is what (frankly) we all thought when we saw him trending – what with David Bowie and Alan Rickman and it being January and all. However, it was also revealed that Michael Caine had sneaked into Spike Lee’s house and stolen his Oscar ‘for a laugh’. Spike Lee is understandably furious and has ordered his private army of fans to ‘Get Caine!’

Michael Caine’s new book I Only Meant To Blow The Bloody Internet Up will be released on Thursday.

47 FILMS: 23. CHILDREN OF MEN

47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams continues with Clive Owen in Alfonso Cuarón’s Children of Men.

The future is a grim reality. Children are not being born and humanity is on a nihilistic march towards its own extinction. Theo (Clive Owen) is a working stiff who likes his drink, an occasion flutter on the dogs and to just get by. But when he is contacted by his ex-wife Julian (Julianne Moore) to do a job for her radical movement the Fishes, he is tasked with guarding perhaps the only hope in a world of increasing hopelessness and violence.

Alfonso Cuarón’s film takes PD James science fiction novel and creates one of the most interestingly subversive and thoughtful dystopias of recent times. The Britain of virulent anti-immigration hatred and militarized police is all too recognizable. As with his Harry Potter film, the Mexican director proves to have a perceptive eye at capturing those particularly English details of rain wet tarmac and occasional beauty of the ‘Sceptred Isle’.

Clive Owen has never been better as the rumpled hero. His apathy and non-ideological stance attains a nobility in contrast to the fanatical opponents of the political process. Add to this Cuarón’s now famous extended one shot sequences and what we have is a deeply intelligent and witty political thriller (brilliant cameo by Michael Caine by the way) that is also an exciting chase film.

For the rest of our 47 films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams, Click Here.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

47 FILMS: 12. MONA LISA

In our continuing series of ’47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at Neil Jordan’s murky English noir Mona Lisa.

A stylish British crime flick produced by George Harrison’s Handmade Films in 1986, Mona Lisa also features one of Bob Hoskins’ best performances. Up until this point Hoskins was most famous for his hardman turn in The Long Good Friday, but here he plays against type as George, a heart of gold ex-con, who, on being freed, gets a job as a limo driver for Michael Caine’s sleazy gangland boss.
With an abiding love for Nat King Cole and a nostalgic longing for a better more honorable time, George is given the task of driving around high class call girl Simone (Cathy Tyson). They soon strike up a friendship, which leads George to agree to find her abused young friend Kathy, leading him onto a collision course with his boss and his criminal dealings. Neil Jordan’s film (co-written with David Lealand) is a neo-noir akin to his underrated 2002 film The Good Thief. It’s got a fantastic score and wonderful performances from Hoskins and Tyson, the former losing out to Paul Newman for the Oscar nod.  There are also early cameos from Robbie Coltrane and The Wire’s Clarke Peters.

Kids director Larry Clark is currently developing a remake which was going to star Mickey Rourke who has since pulled out. For more of our ’47 Films to see Before you are Murdered in your Dreams’ Click Here.