DORA THE EXPLORER LIVE ACTION FILM TO FEATURE THE WALL

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s live action version of Dora the Explorer will be very political.

Michael Bay spoke about his new live action version of the Nickelodeon TV show Dora the Explorer today.

The Transformers and Pearl Harbor director told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he wants a Dora that is suited to Trump’s America. He said:

When Dora first came out the world was a different place. Most of us watched it with a sense of innocence. Little did we know that Dora actually comes from a world of rapists and criminals. Since Donald Trump’s election, I’ve decided to rewrite the script and now we’re going Dora going to the American border and discovering the wall. Will she be able to go over it? Will her backpack help her in some way? I can’t tell you yet, but I’ve got a feeling no.

Surely this is politicizing children’s television.

Well, the left wing did it first with Sesame Street. All that bullshit about the people in your neighborhood and having to speak Spanish. All we’re going to do is try to balance things up a little.

But at least Dora will give a positive role model for Mexican girls. 

Yes. I’m sure Emma will do a great job.

Emma?

Emma Stone. She’s playing Dora.

Dora the Explorer comes out in 2019.

 

MICHAEL BAY PARACHUTES IN TO GUAM

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay parachuted into Guam late last night.

The Transformers and The Rock director Michael Bay has been dropped over Guam, sources say. The freshly appointed Special Envoy to South East Asia, President Trump said that he appointed Mr. Bay because of his experience with explosive action sequences. An insider praised the move:

Michael is the perfect choice for this role. The situation is amazingly confusing. No one knows what is going on. There’s a very good chance it won’t end well. In other words, this looks exactly like a Michael Bay movie.

What will Bay do in Guam?

Hopefully act as a deterrent. We know that Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Bad Boys 2. If they nuke Guam, we’re saying they’ll never see a Bad Boys 3.

But Kim Yong Il was the father. The leader is Kim Jong Un now.

Then we’re fucked.

Ah!

I suppose if I want look on the bright side, it means we’re probably not going to see another Transformers movie ever again.

Michael Bay will be directing Apocalypse ASAP.

 

MICHAEL BAY PROMISES ‘A NEW TRANSFORMERS FILM EVERY SINGLE YEAR’ BECAUSE HE HATES PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay has promised to make a new Transformers film every single year, ‘because I don’t like people’.

With the release of Transformers: Last Knight hopes ran high that this might be the last, but director Michael Bay was quick to nix that particular sunbeam. He spoke with Studio Exec this morning:

Every time I do a Transformers movie chatter starts about how this might be the last. I’m getting sick of it. Anthony Hopkins said I was a genius. A genius. Sir Anthony Hopkins! But I get no respect. None. So I’ve decided every year I’ll make a new Transformers film. I’ll do a spin off first: Bumblebee. Then I’ll do another chapter of the main saga. Transformers colon then a word or phrase like Annihilation or Armageddon or Pink Helmet. And on and on. And you can’t stop me. You hear? No one can. Because I’m a genius!

Why do you hate people?

They’ve always been against me. They hated Pain and Gain. All of them. They screwed up my presentation when the autocue wouldn’t work. They pretend they don’t like Transformers, but then they go and see them. I can tell what they’re up to when I leave the room. Even Megan Fox hates me. Megan Fox! So screw them. That’s what I say.

Anthony Hopkins apologized to everyone.

I didn’t realize what a monster I had created. I was only trying to be nice. But Micharl Bay seemed nervous and he’s very sensitive to criticism so I said he was a genius.

Transformers: Pink Helmet will be released in 2019.

 

MICHAEL BAY IS TO REMAKE BARRY LYNDON

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon.

Barry Lyndon is a classic of cinema and will finally get a remake. Transformers and Pearl Harbor director Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of William Thackery’s novel of the same name. Longtime Kubrick fan, Bay spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I love all of Kubrick’s work, but Barry Lyndon for me is the film that most completely sums up the potential of cinema. It is a subtle and beautiful, frequently moving achievement. Technically masterful, there is a tone of melancholy about the story of the young Irish rogue who rises through the English aristocracy only to fall again. The composition, the use of light and color, the performances. The great use of Thackery’s own words in Michael Horden’s narration… everything is almost cinematic perfection.

So what are you going to bring to the remake?

First of all, my version is going to be updated. Set in 2018, Andrew Garfield plays Barry. He comes to Los Angeles just as massive robots invade the Earth. Bang, bang, crash, crash. Candlelight. You get the picture.

Barry Lyndon: 2018 will be released in 2018.

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THE TRANSFORMERS: LAST KNIGHT TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The latest installment of the Transformers series is approaching with the first trailer for Transformers: Last Knight.

The fifth film in the Transformers franchise is due out. Seeing Mark Wahlberg in his second attempt at being less interesting than Shia LaBeouf, big robots turn into cars and stuff. The trailer got over a million sum hits which only makes Donald Trump’s election more understandable. So what did we learn about the new film from the trailer?

Nothing. I didn’t watch it.

For more Movie News, Click Here.

13 HOURS REVEALS OBAMA’S KEY BENGHAZI ROLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s new film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi features a scene in which the President of the United States Barack Obama is portrayed as leading the attack against the US compound.

Action director Michael Bay’s new film about the Benghazi attack  – 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – has caused controversy for a scene which clearly shows President Obama organizing and leading the attack against the US compound.

Michael Bay defended his film to the Studio Exec, saying:

We have carefully researched the events leading up to and including the attack on the compound. Until now we have always thought that there were a series of mistakes prior to the attack and then following it, lies and media manipulation about what happened. Now we also know that President Obama personally organised the attack and himself donned a disguise and took part in the assault against US forces.

Oh my God!

I know. We were happy to give him and Hillary Clinton a fair shake, but this evidence is too damning.

So what evidence do you have?

Well, at first none. But as we were going over the footage that we had gathered of the demonstrations and what not we began to see a figure who looked familiar. The quality of the images weren’t great and then it occurred to me, if giant robots can disguise themselves as cars and trucks, why can’t a US President – this US President – disguise himself as a terrorist and carry out his secret plan?

That’s the evidence?

It all came together. It all makes sense.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is released Thursday.

HOW MICHAEL BAY GAVE THE OFFICE MOVIE ‘A DIFFERENT TONE’

HOLLYWOOD – John Krasinski has described the tone of the new movie version of The Office as ‘totally different in tone and scope’ to the popular comedy series.

Directed by Michael Bay, the long awaited movie spin off of the popular TV show The Office has stumped many viewers with its complete change in direction and tone. But star John Krasinski, who plays Jim in the show, popped into the Studio Exec office (I know) to calm fears and assure fans of the now defunct show:

As soon as Michael Bay comes on board you know that things are going to be different. We knew that we would have difficulty because already Steve Carrell had made it clear that he would not be returning to play Michael Stott. So no matter what we did, it would never be the same as the show. When we sat down with Michael to do a table read of the script, he just kept making machine gun noises with his mouth and like explosions. All his notes to the writers were things like ‘What if he threw a hand grenade?’ and ‘Where’s Pennsylvania?’

He didn’t like the original setting?

Right. And he also felt that the show needed to be more topical and he watches a lot of Fox, so he said ‘Hey what if Jim went to Libya?’ Once Jim goes to Libya and has a new job as a CIA operative then it’s a very small step to him being involved in the Benghazi embassy attack. And that who,le story line basically wrote itself. It had the bonus of allowing me to really broaden my range.

But it’s still as funny as the show, right?

Have you seen Four Lions? That’s what we’re hoping to get. This is very dry humor. The idea is we show things as extreme as we can, like a real right wing fantasy, but underneath it all is this hilarious dry humor. I mean it’s all ironic.

Are you sure?

I think it is. If you ask Michael, you might get a different answer. As you can tell from the lighter moments in the Transformers movies, Michael doesn’t really get comedy.

And the title change?

Yeah, right. Well, once we go the Benghazi route then I’m no longer in the office, so calling it The Office: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi was just not going to work. But it is still an Office movie. I mean at least I think it is. That’s what I tell myself when I wake up at three o clock in the morning, crying.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is on general release.

TRANSFORMERS SEQUELS TITLES REVEALED

CANNES – Four new Transformers sequels are to be released over the next decade, Hasbro Chief Steven J. Davis confirmed yesterday at MIPCOM in Cannes.

During a Q&A session at the content market MIPCOM in Cannes, Davis confirmed that Transformers 5, 6, 7 and 8 are all slated to be released during the next ten years. While delegates staggered from the session, the Studio Exec managed to seize on a napkin that dropped from Mr. Davies’ pocket and which revealed EXCLUSIVELY the titles of the new films.

Although the handwriting is a little shaky and although we cannot confirm that these are the final titles, the napkin is vital evidence that the planning stages for the following films are quite advanced. The first thing to note is the excellence of the doodling. As per a toy company, there are no obscene doodles as you would expect from a normal studio exec. But there is a photo realistic depiction of a spider web replete with spider. There is a sentence at the top which has been crossed out but which nevertheless casts doubt on the involvement of Mark Wahlberg: ‘1. Get rid of Marky Mark‘ it reads. There is also a title that has obviously been cancelled. ‘Transformers: We Bought a Zoo’ most likely due to legal reasons.

The titles which remain are:

Transformers: The Optimus Menace Awakensphoto

Transformer5 and Transfurio5

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Transformers: Mockingjay and the Deathly Hallows Part 3

Transformers: Something After a Colon

 

 

 Transformers Something After a Colon will be released in 2016.

WATCHING MICHAEL BAY FILMS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER

LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.

JONATHAN LIEBESMAN TO FILM LIVE ACTION TOUCHÉ TURTLE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the massive success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jonathan Liebseman has announced that he is planning to film a live action version of the Hanna-Barbera classic Touché Turtle.

Touché Turtle and Dum Dum has already got a script finalized and is due to start filming in the Fall. Jonathan Liebseman came into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Many people will be saying to me, ‘Jonathan Liebseman enough with the Turtles already’, but once you start researching turtles as I did extensively for TMNT then you start to realize how fascinating these creatures actually are. Did you know that turtles typically live until they’re more than one hundred years old?

Wow! Really?

I think. I mean I don’t know. They look old, don’t they?

What about the new film Jonathan?

It is based on the first ever Touché Turtle episode The Whale and the Tale but we’ve made it longer and Hans Zimmer is already working on a score, which he’s calling Touché Away. Lots of tuba. We have Andy Serkis interested but he hasn’t decided yet. He’s a bit worried about being typecast and he’s also quite busy with The Jungle Book. Jack black has been begging me to let him play Dum Dum but I’m not convinced. Did you know the shell is actually part of the turtle’s body and not just like a little house they carry around?

Yeah, I knew that.

Marvellous!

Touché Turtle and Dum Dum will be released in 2016.

JOSH HARTNETT TO RETURN FROM THE MOON NEXT YEAR

MOON BASE ONE – A communication from Weyland Industries informed the world today that Josh Hartnett would be returning from his seven year mission on Moon Base One early next year and was raring to get back into film acting.

In his first statement for some years, included in the transmission, the Faculty star Josh Hartnett said:

I am very grateful for Weyland Industries for giving me the opportunity to work somewhere unaffected by The Black Dahlia. I won’t lie. It was hard getting myself back together after that unholy smear of a movie, but I’ve been thinking, taking stock and what not, and I’m ready to come back and get back to some serious work.

Exactly what work is done on the far side of the moon has been shrouded in secrecy but it is understood that the Weyland Corporation funded by Michael Bay and  James Cameron has been utilizing Hollywood exiles in their mining operations. The mysterious minerals are used to fund Mr. Cameron’s deep sea diving expeditions and it believed that Mr. Bay is saving up to buy a very large woman.

Josh Hartnett continued:

I’ve made a lot of friends on the moon. It was great working here with Mike Myers. He operates the main drill and does all these funny voices. And Bridget Fonda’s here as well. She is in charge of the experimental medical laboratories is a real nice lady, though the screaming that comes from the lab is sometimes disturbing. In the cafeteria, we’d all tell old stories of our time back on Earth. It was cozy.

Josh Harnett initially went to the Moon following the release of Brian DePalma’s Black Dahlia, a film so bad it threatened to uninvent cinema.

Josh Hartnett will be making landfall in January, 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay produced, Megan Fox starring and Jonathan Liebesman directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has hit the screens and is winning plaudits and applause universally, with not a single dissenter. But how much do we know about these ‘TMNTs’? And is there anyway we could kill them? The Studio Exec sent the FACT squad into the sewer of untruth to delivery the pizza of KNOWLEDGE.

1. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles don’t exist. They were just made up by some guy. First as a comic book, then a cartoon, then a film, and now this. I  mean it’s pathetic really the lies people tell.

2. Among fans there is a huge controversy over adjectival order. In their first appearance they were called the Mutant Teenage Turtle Ninjas, but then this was changed to Ninja Teenage Turtle Mutants and even for a short period the Turtle Ninja Mutant Teenagers. In Los Angeles a series of drive-by shootings from rival gangs were blamed on the mutant ninja or ninja mutant dispute of 1998.

3. Although still labeled as Teenage, the Mutant Teenage Mutant Ninjas are all now in their mid-forties.

4. Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael and Leonardo all take their names from German novelists.

5.   Michael Bay.

For more FACTS click HERE.

 

 

MICHAEL BAY TALKS THE SORROW AND THE PITY REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – With Transformers: Age of Extinction ruling at the box office, Michael Bay took some time to talk to the Studio Exec about his planned remake of The Sorrow and the Pity.

The Bad Boys II director said:

It’s been a pet project of mine for years. I’ve been fascinated by the effect Nazism had on ordinary people and there’s always that ‘what if…?’ question that both Americans and probably the Brits too feel. As in what if we’d had to live under Nazi occupation?

The 1969 documentary by Marcel Orphuls reconstructs the occupation of a small French town Clermont-Ferrand and the collaboration of the Vichy government as well as the resistance of local anti-Nazis via a set of interviews. The four and a half hour documentary is considered one of the most valid cinematic responses to the experience of life under Nazism. The Rock director continued:

The good thing about having the Transformers gig is that it frees you up to do what you really want to. Look no one, no adult, wants to spend their life making films about over-sized toys destroying cities. But that 100 million we just took will go a long way to finance my fictionalized version of The Sorrow and the Pity. Already I made a sly nod to it with Pain and Gain, which you’ll notice had a something and something else title, just like Orphuls’ film. 

Michael Bay’s The Sorrow and the Pity is due out in 2016.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION SIGNALS END OF DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – The 4th film in the Transformers franchise, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction has made an unbelievable amount of money on its opening weekend and signaled the onset of the apocalypse.

As soon as the Box Office figures were published, the Seventh Seal was broken and the trumpets sounded opening the gates of Hell. Jesus – in a blaze of light – returned to the Earth and separated those who were worthy from those who had to star in a Damon Lindelof show. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Jesus said: 

We’ve been hanging around upstairs watching what has been going on. I keep saying to God, ‘Look dad, they’re ruining everything. Let’s go down and sort them out.’ But dad would say, ‘no, there is still good in them. We can save them.’ Then he saw Transformers 4 and all the people going to see it and he said, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers’ and unleashed the end of days.

So it was like a tipping point? 

Exactly. To be totally frank Hangover 3 was the tipping point, but logistics are such that we had to set everything up. I mean winding up a project like Life on Earth isn’t just something you can do in a week. 

But he created the Universe in a week? 

But he was young and full of fire in those days. He’s slowed down and has just kind of lost interest.

So ironically The Age of Extinction has in fact created the Age of Extinction. 

I suppose. I mean if irony is your thing. Anyway got to go.

 See you later. 

I don’t think so.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is currently in theaters.