CREED – REVIEW

CREED – REVIEW: Michael B. Jordan stars as Apollo Creed’s son who goes back in time to remake Rocky with Sylvester Stallone.

Michael B. Jordan is the beautifully name Narcissus Creed or Diaphanous Creed and Apollonius Creed. Shit, he’s called something. He’s had a troubled youth but with the help of his step mom he’s got a job in a good company and a future ahead of him. However, like father like son, Creed sneaks off to Mexico to get himself punched in the head on a regular basis. In order to finally pursue his dream, he makes his way to Philadelphia where, in the city of brotherly love, he meets up with his father’s former nemesis/friend Rocky Balboa, who reluctantly agrees to train him. As the media get wind of a great story, Creed is offered a shot at the title at Everton’s football ground in England (!?).

Ryan Coogler is to be applauded for having revamped Rocky in what is being called a legacy sequel – passing the movie franchise baton from one generation to the next (see also The Force Awakens). He films the fight scenes with the requisite dynamism and verve, though in giving us a jaw-dropping one shot punch up early on he rather shoots his bolt early. Ultimately, the Rocky franchise is one big family saga. Rewatching the whole bunch last Christmas, it’s amazing how well Stallone inhabits the character, even when the story around him is largely nonsense. The first Rocky is a wonderful character piece with a great sense of place which ought to compare favorably to Raging Bull. Jordan is a compelling son figure for the aging legend to mentor, though the relationship with Tessa Thompson’s singer ticks too many boxes and lands flat. A singer who is going deaf? Jesus Christ, I wonder if they had a whole list of tragic relationships. A painter who is going blind? No! A writer who is losing the plot? No! A ten pin bowler who is losing her fingers? etc.

As with Force Awakens, there are some beats which are so familiar as to fall into the realms of pastiche, and though I love Italian food normally, it would be better if these films relinquished some of their manufactured nostalgia to tell their own stories.

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DOMHNALL GLEESON NOT IN CREED

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Domhnall Gleeson was not in Creed and this is thought to be the reason that it was nominated for fewer Oscars than had been expected.

Domhnall Gleeson is not in Creed, it was revealed today and many are saying that this is the reason that Ryan Coogler’s boxing drama did not pick up as many Academy award nominations as expected. Michael B. Jordan plays the son of Apollo Creed who follows in his father’s footsteps and into the boxing ring, seeking tutelage from his father’s old opponent and friend Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone who picked up a supporting actor nomination). Sylvester Stallone spoke about the lack of Domhnall Gleeson in the film and how it might have hurt the award prospects:

We did actually have a role for Domhnall but then at the last minute the role got cut. He was going to play my grandson but the scene felt extraneous and there were a lot of scheduling problems and so in the end we cut it before we even went into production. What we didn’t know is that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts has this new rule that every film needs to have Domhnall Gleeson if it is to be a contender. Brooklyn, The Revenant, Ex Machina all passed the test but Creed regrettably didn’t. I think we should have shot the scene, but that’s with retrospect. I know that we’ve already hired Domhnall for the sequel Drago.

However, the Academy have denied that such a clause exists in the rules, stating that it is merely a coincidence that so many films have Domnhall in them this year.

Awards analyst Bertram Shrank told the Studio Exec:

It happens sometimes that one of these actors just seems to be everywhere all of a sudden. They’re cheap, they’re fresh and they have a great agent. Jessica Chastain did the same thing five years ago. And having Domhnall is no guarantee of Academy largess. Look at The Force Awakens which only managed to get technical nominations despite plenty of Domhnall Gleeson action.

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MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S ASSASSIN’S CREED PHOTO CAUSES ALARM

HOLLYWOOD – A new image of Michael Fassbender in Assassin’s Creed has leaked onto the internet and caused widespread consternation among fans of the game.

The film version of Assassin’s Creed directed by Justin Kurzel and starring Michael Fassbender is eagerly awaited by fans of the Ubisoft open world stealth game. However, the first image to be released onto the internet shows Fassbender as the iconic assassin but clearly wearing a pair of what appears to be boxing shorts. Already fans had been shook by the release of Creed earlier this year, starring Sylvester Stallone and Michael B. Jordan which many gamers believed was an abhorrent betrayal of the original game (for that story Click Here). Top ‘Creeder’ Jose Pentacle told the Studio Exec:

Frankly we’re getting tired of being jerked around. We know that there was a boxing movie in the seventies that featured a character called Apollo Creed. We get it. But that should have nothing to do with the movie version of Assassin’s Creed. I’m not naive. The movie business is a business whose primary aim is to make money.So I’m sure if they can combine these two properties they will, but I also want to be clear that the Assassins who have been fighting the Knight Templar for centuries will not lie down and allow some big shot Hollywood producer desecrate what is a very important video game.

Director Justin Kurzel responded to the criticisms by issuing the following statement:

My interest in the Assassin’s Creed universe is  the same as any other fan. I want to bring to life a story that we have all been living, all been writing for years now. I will do everything to remain true to the source material and the spirit of that material. Michael Fassbender is also a dedicated actor who is fully committed to bringing the Count of Monte Fisto to the screen in all his glory.

Assassin’s Creed will be released in 2016.

CREED NOTHING LIKE THE GAME, COMPLAIN FANS

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited movie adaptation of the Assassin’s Creed video game Creed is now in theaters and fans are furious.

Directed by Ryan Coogler and starring Michael B. Jordan and Sylvester Stallone, Creed had all the promise of a surefire hit, but fan reaction has been harsh and the backlash looks set to continue. So what went wrong? Arch-fan and Creedian, Apollo X. Now told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about his disappointment.

We heard that they were making an adaptation of the game and we were excited but also nervous. It is a perfect game to adapt because of the narrative structure, the action and the epic scope, but we had been disappointed so many times.

So what went wrong Apollo?

The first danger sign came with the change in the title. From Assassin’s Creed to just Creed. We thought okay. This is like changing Star Wars to just Wars, but okay. Then Michael Fassbender who had been cast apparently dropped out and Michael B. Jordan who is a very talented actor came in.

Is it because he’s black?

No not at all. I had no problem with that but when I saw the movie they had just the whole concept of the game and indeed they seemed to have changed the actually genre in which the story works so well.

What do you mean?

Well, he kind of boxes all the time. He’s a boxer and there’s all this stuff about his father and this old guy (Stallone) who becomes his trainer and who knew his father. I mean’s it isn’t a bad movie at all. It just shouldn’t be called Creed because it has no connection to Assassin’s Creed at all.  If anything it reminded me of an old Rocky movie.

Isn’t it a Rocky movie though?

Sylvester Stallone kept answering to the name Rocky but I thought that was a meta-joke. You know post-modern. Look, if they want to make a Rocky movie that’s great, but why try to tie it in to Assassin’s Creed.

But isn’t the title a reference to Apollo Creed, the character’s father? I mean Michael B. Jordan’s character is called Adonis Creed.

Oh. Oh, I see. Okay. So it is a Rocky movie. Right. Wow. I got the wrong end of the…

Stick yeah. 

Shit. That’s embarrassing. Look forget I said anything.

No problem.

Wait, are you recording this?

Creed is currently in theaters.

 

 

FANTASTIC FOUR WILL BE NC-17

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement that Ryan Reynold’s Deadpool will be R rated, the news came that the Fantastic Four reboot will be NC-17 in what is being viewed as ‘a rating war.’

We all know that comic movies aren’t just for kids and with films such as The Dark Knight Rises and Kick Ass pushing the boundaries and striving for adult audiences, it seems that the new trend is to get darker, more violent and less kid friendly. Earlier this week Ryan Reynolds announced that the long-awaited Deadpool would be an R  rather than the much feared, tame, bloodless and fully clothed PG-13. The New Josh Trank remake of The Fantastic Four has gone one more, forcing the MPAA to award it an NC-17 certificate for what it calls ‘constant cunnilingus’.

Starring Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell and Kate Mara, the new Fantastic Four is an origin story of four young scientist who become a Marvel superhero team following being hit by an awful version of the same film in 2005 and again in 2007. In an attempt to stoke some interest, the team decided early on to put in as much violence and sex as they could. An insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first we were nervous about the certificate we might get. this is after all a tent pole style film, but after a certain point in filming we just decided to go for it. We actually started to add blood and gore where none was. And once we knew that Deadpool had already got the R rated we knew we’d really need to get pull out the stops and one thing we know that the MPAA can’t stand is the oral pleasuring of females. So the new film is ram packed with endless scenes of said act. I mean it’s wall to wall. Utterly unnecessary.

The Fantastic Four will be released briefly.  

MICHAEL FASSBENDER DROPS OUT OF CREED

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender has dropped out of Rocky spin off Creed [Click Here for the original story], due to artistic differences.

Michael Fassbender or the Counselor (as he prefers to be known) explained that his involvement in the boxing film – which follows the fortunes of Apollo Creed’s grandson – was actually a mistake.

I thought it was video game spin off Assassin’s Creed but I’d simply gone in the wrong door. Everyone was so nice and polite, but it was clear they weren’t expecting me and when I shot my first opponent with an arrow the director Ryan [Coogler] called me over and said there had been a communication breakdown.

Coogler said that Fassbender’s commitment to the part was uncanny and everyone has denied that this has anything whatsoever to do with race. ‘Michael is half German, half Irish, which is basically black,’ Ryan explained exclusively to the Studio Exec.

Michael Fassbender will be replaced by Fruitvale Station star Michael B. Jordan.

Creed will be released in 2015.