DOG THAT WITNESSED LOUIS C.K. JERKING OFF IGNITES NEW #METOO DEBATE

New York – A french bulldog has recently come forward claiming to have witnessed Louis C.K. jerking off in the green room of The Comedy Store in 2004. 

“I was laying on the floor casually licking my own balls.”, said the Bulldog:

When suddenly, Louis C.K. unzips his trousers and starts jerking off. It was horrible, not so much the sight as I put my paws over my eyes but the sound of him thrashing and groaning I will never forget until my dying day. And what’s worse is I couldn’t leave because he’d locked the door! Well, to be totally fair the door wasn’t locked, but I’m a dog so how the f*ck am I going to open a door?

The Bulldog insists he’s been traumatised by the event and is disappointed that the public outcry has been so muted:

It’s time for animals to have their own #metoo moment. We need to start talking about what has happened and what is still happening in this industry. Why just the other day I was at my survivors group and a goldfish I know openly wept about being inappropriately handled by Kevin Spacey at a fairground in 1997.  

Rumours of animals being subjected to abusive behaviour and the infamous ‘Casting Couch’ are nothing new.  In 2001, the famous movie horse Pink Duchess published her memoir, ‘Grin and Bareback’ claiming she was preyed upon by several ‘Big name’ stars and executives during her early days in Hollywood. 

Here’s a short excerpt describing one particularly disturbing encounter:

It was 1959 and I was on location in California preparing to film the movie Spartacus when Kirk Douglas asked me to go back to his trailer to go through a few scenes. I knew what that meant, but I was young, he was a big star and I was very ambitious so I nervously trotted over to his trailer, only to be stopped on route by Stanley Kubrick who wanted to reshoot a scene we’d done earlier. 16 hours and 72 takes later, an exhausted Douglas suggested that maybe we go through the scenes tomorrow and tomorrow never came. People always talk about Kubrick, the long days and endless takes but if wasn’t for his perfectionism, I’m pretty sure I’d still be able taste Douglas’ cock on my breath. 

If you feel you’ve been affected by any of the subjects raised in this article, please contact your local veterinarian. 

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TO BE HELD IN TOTAL SILENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The 75th Golden Globes awards will be held in total silence.

Tonight the 75th Golden Globes takes place at the Beverly Hills Hilton in Hollywood. Hosted by Seth Meyers, many have wondered what the ceremony will do to reflect the post-Weinstein world and the growth of the #MeToo movement which has shaken Hollywood. Already many of the participants have pledged to wear black to show solidarity for victims of sexual harassment, but the organisers have decided to go one step further and present the whole awards ceremony in silence.

A spokesperson for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association told the Studio Exec:

To begin with we thought we’d have a minute’s silence. But then we asked why a minute? It seems so arbitrary. So we decided that the whole show will be held entirely in silence.

Wow.

We talked to Seth Meyers and at first we were nervous about how he would feel, but it turns out he’s a huge fan of Buster Keaton. He said he’d be happy to do the whole thing in silence.

It’ll be different.

It will be.

How are you going to do the announcement of the winners?

With title cards.

The Golden Globes screens this evening.