HOLLYWOOD – Amazing news just in: We are receiving unconfirmed reports that Tommy Lee Jones has smiled.

Apparently the veteran actor of The Fugitive and No Country for Old Men  was walking his fifteen year old Rottweiler, Methuselah when he saw a little old lady on the other side of the street walking along. This did nothing to the famous granite visage, but then he noticed that some careless citizen had left a banana skin right in the old lady’s path. The corners of the Man in Black’s mouth twitched involuntarily. 

Careful not to stare, Mr. Jones halted for a moment. Pretending to scratch Methuselah behind the ear, he kept one of his squinty eyes on the old gal’s progress. She slowly approached the banana skin and was almost upon it when through the mist of her aged vision she must have caught sight of the yellow peril.

As quick as she could – her foot was already raised – she took evasive action stepping into the road where she was hit by a speeding Cherokee Jeep and killed instantly. Tommy Lee Jones’ face broke into a broad happy smile, witnesses say many who ran immediately to film the moment on their phone cameras, even as the old lady – a Mrs Hampton of Detroit – bled out onto the asphalt.   Sadly, by the time the camera function had been chosen the moment of hilarity had passed and Mr Lee Jones had resumed his usual melancholy gaze. Tommy Lee Jones and Methuselah walked on without further comment or harassment.

Mrs Hampton leaves seven grandchildren, four children and her husband Ralph.


HOLLYWOOD – Veteran actor and famous curmudgeon Tommy Lee Jones will star in, write and produce a series of thirty minute comedy programmes for HBO to be screened this September: Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In.

‘I want to bring a little sunshine into people’s lives,’ said the In the Valley of Elah star. ‘There’ll be me and a bunch of old buddies and we’re gonna horse around and crack wise. I suppose it’ll be funny. If not, what the heck! We’re gonna die eventually. Me sooner than you like as not.’

The No Country for Old Men star continued:

Michael Shannon’s comedy punch

People think I’m ornery. But I really am not. I just have the kind of face, when it relaxes, it looks melancholy. I have a real talent for comedy. If you watch Men in Black … actually that isn’t a great example. Well, look, once I was over at my mother’s house, this was 1978. And the whole family were sitting out on the porch passing the time in stoic – some might say hostility laced – silence when suddenly a little kitten was crossing the road just as the milk truck barrelled round the corner. It ran over the kitten, squashing it flat. ‘That’s Mrs Heels cat,’ says I. ‘I’ll take it over,’ says my brother. ‘If she ain’t in,’ says I. ‘You can just put her through the mail slot.’ The hollering and whooping could be heard way over in the next county.

Tommy Lee Jones will be joined by hapless comedy sidekick Michael ‘Laugh or I’ll Cave Your Face In’ Shannon – ‘he’s always getting into oafish scrapes’ – and Emily Watson from Breaking the Waves, who will have her own section entitled The Relentless Brutality of Life: ‘A series of monologues about Dachau and the like.’

Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In screens on the 21st of September, 2013.