CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

MEMENTO REMAKE TO STAR SEAN SPICER

WASHINGTON – The Memento remake is going ahead with Sean Spicer in the original Guy Pearce role.

Christopher Nolan’s Memento was a cult hit. Now it’s being remade with Sean Spicer starring as the man who following a tragic incident is unable to remember things that happened more than 20 minutes ago. Spicer spoke to the Studio Exec about the new direction:

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Has your experience as White House Communications Director helped you prepare for the film?

Absolutely. Every day I feel like it is very difficult to remember what happened the day before or even half an hour before that. In fact, it’s kind of the policy of the Trump administration to only employ people with very poor short term memory and an ambiguous and noirish sense of right and wrong. The film also has these doom laden and guilt-ridden atmosphere which is just becoming more and more like my life.

Have you any comment about the Hitler gaffe yesterday?

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Re-Memento will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

HOW TO WRITE A SCREENWRITING: PART 1. INTRODUCTION

HOW TO WRITE A SCREENWRITING – Is a new feature that will lead you through the process of  writing a screenplay in the tradition of the great gurus Robert McKee, Syd Field and Damon Lindelof.

Part 1. Story – camera – action.

A man walks into a room. That’s a story! A woman eats a peach that’s too big for her small mouth. That’s a story! A dog has worms and keeps rubbing its rear end on your new carpet. That’s not a story. You just need to take the dog to the vet and buy a new carpet. The point is we are surrounded by story. Story is everywhere. It is in the food you eat, on television, in the newspapers, in the conversation of your co-workers. Story is the warp and woof (there’s that dog again) of life, the rich tapestry from whence we all come, the undiscovered country to whence we all go.

But how do I write a story? Which story should I choose? What story do people want to hear? And what’s the difference between a story in a book and a story in a building?

All these questions will be answered in this 23 part on line course on How to Write a Screenwriting. Whether you want to be the next J.K Rowling and die under the weight of all the money, or you want to be the next Charlie Kaufman and die under the weight of everyone going ‘what?’, How to Write a Screenwriting is the ONLY online resource you need as a screenwriter who wants to write a screenwriting.

Of course writing is not easy. Look at the title to this whole course that I’m writing. Have you looked? Okay, the more perceptive among you will have noticed that there is something not quite right, something that the unkind might refer to as ‘wrong’.  Of course, I wanted to write ‘How to Write a Screenplay’ but I was also thinking of ‘A Guide to Screenwriting’ and so accidentally I wrote ‘How to write a Screenwriting’, erroneously combining to the two titles because I was hungry and I was thinking about dinner – I’m thinking lasagna specifically. So do I go back and change it? NO. Why not? Well, for one thing it’s more work. But the more important reason is that LIFE DEPENDS ON MISTAKES.

Think about it.

All multi-cellular life comes from errors in replication of DNA. If there weren’t any errors, if everything was perfect, then no evolution. No evolution then no complexity; no complexity, then no us. No us, no cinema. No cinema and we’re out of a Goddamned job, just because the asshole DNA worked too damned well. Perfection is the death of life and the death of story. Do you think Jonathan and Christopher Nolan wanted to write Memento? No, they just kept forgetting the story-line and had to keep going back. Do you think Larry McMurty wanted Brokeback Mountain to be a heart-breaking gay love story? No, the original novel has the two cowboys fighting but a slip of the pen and fellatio as all over the page! Do you think Quentin Tarantino meant to write The Hateful Eight? No, his original screenplay was supposed to be called The Careful Eight, but one accidental slip of the fingers and suddenly he has to write something violent to justify the wrong title.

You NEED to make mistakes. And I promise you if you follow this EXCLUSIVE online Screenwriting course, you will be making tons of them.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

MEMENTO REMAKE WILL BE BASED ON GUY PEARCE’S TATTOOS

HOLLYWOOD – The new Memento remake is to be based entirely on Guy Pearce’s tattoos.

News came in today that the amnesia-based thriller, Memento, directed by Christopher Nolan, will be remade, taking as its source the tattoos on Guy Pearce. In the original film, Guy Pearce played Leonard Shelby a man who has a memory span of twenty minutes and must search for the killer of his wife. The remake of the film will be based on the tattoos that Pearce, a notorious method actor, had actually tattooed on his own body when he made the film. Christopher Nolan’s Memento is to be remade. The script will be based on the tattoos that Guy Pearce got when he played Leonard Shelby, a man who has a memory span of twenty minutes. He must search for the killer of his wife. The original film was based on the short story by Nolan’s brother Jonathan Nolan. The film was made by Christopher Nolan in 2000. It is going to be remade. The remake will be based on the tattoos that actor Guy Pearce got in order to play Leonard Shelby in the original movie. Nolan told the Studio Exec:

We said to Guy we can get them done by a great make up artist, but Guy insisted on doing his own. Some with a proper tattoo gun and others he did like a prison tattoo with a needle and a biro. It was intense.

Christopher Nolan made Memento in 2000. It stars Guy Pearce as Leonard Shelby, a man with a twenty minute memory span who must search for the killer of his wife. It is to be remade. I’ve forget why.

Memento will be remade in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – He is the enigmatic director of Inception, The Dark Knight Trilogy and the upcoming Interstellar, but who is Christopher Nolan really?

What are Christopher Nolan’s dreams like? Is it true that he has an iguana called Stephen who makes all his decisions for him by moving across a Twister floor mat? NO. That’s exactly the kind of nonsense we want to get rid of at The Studio Exec, so prepare your brain pads to receive the returning helicopter of FACT, and watch out, there are casualties.

1. When 12 years old, Nolan invented the Jenga game which he originally named the CONFUSERATOR. However, Paul Rudd had already invented it and so Nolan received no money from the idea. As an adult Nolan would attempt to make a film on the idea (CLICK HERE for more on that story) but it collapsed after someone over-enthusiastically removed one of the lower most blocks.

2. Christopher has three brothers. Jonathan: a script writer who has worked on many of Christopher’s films, Matthew, who is successful in the world of shoes, and Wayne Nolan, who is locked in East Wing of Nolan Towers, the crumbling family pile and is only seen by his nurse Tik. For a short time in the 80s the four brothers performed as a barber shop quartet called the Nolan Brothers until they were eclipsed by the more famous Nolan Sisters, who are – ironically – their sisters.

The Nolan Brother (with Tik)

3.  Christopher Nolan’s first film was a black and white art house effort called Miener Houser Baader Miener Hoffer Gang, about a man who for the life of him can’t remember the name of the German terrorist organisation that terrorised the world in the 1970s.   

4.  Nolan is a committed advocate of film and the IMAX experience. When a sex tape was leaked onto the net of Nolan and his producer wife going at it, Nolan insisted it also be shown in Imax, impressing everyone with width, length and girth. 

5.  Little is known about his new project Interstellar, except that it is a science fiction film. But now Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Interstellar is actually Memento, which – ironically -Nolan has no memory of making. Jonathan Nolan gave him the script of Memento with a new title page when he was drunk and has yet been able to rectify the mistake.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!