DISNEY BUY GOD

HOLLYWOOD – Disney buy God.

Disney have acquired the rights for God, clinched in a late night deal signed in the Vatican for an undisclosed figure.

A Disney spokesperson said that the company were ‘very sensitive to how many fans of God feel. We are both proud and honored to be in a position to promote God in his next few manifestations.’

Although expected for some time, the speed of the deal still came as a surprise. Some believed that Mel Gibson‘s company Icon were also in talks to sign an exclusive contract. Show Business watcher and resident God botherer Jim Caviezel expressed the concerns of many God fans:

Disney came for Pixar and I was silent. Then Disney came for Star Wars and I didn’t speak out. They came for Indiana Jones, I held my peace. But now they have come for God… It is time that all like-minded folk stand up to the house of the mouse and say enough is enough. 

Pope Francis is understood to have been personally involved in broaching the deal and Vatican insiders say that his love of Mary Poppins ‘was not incidental to the decision making process.’ The deal gives Disney exclusive rights over the Catholic God, but the Muslim, Jewish and Protestant Gods are still up for grabs, though it is likely that the Disney acquisition will bring about a bidding war. Caviezel went on to say ‘You only have to look at what happened to the Hindus. Bollywood bought their Gods about five years ago and now they’ve been commercially exploited to death so no one believes in them any more.’

God’s next film The Resurrection will be released in 2022.  

MEL GIBSON’S BEARD SUES FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Mel Gibson and his beard are to separate, bringing an end to their six year relationship.

Mel Gibson’s beard today announced that he is to separate from Hacksaw Ridge director Mel Gibson. The beard issued the following statement:

Today, I am very sad to announce that Mel and myself are separating. We have had a good try at it. Our relationship has been both loving and creative. Mel is a wonderful guy and always treated me well, with the finest oils and combs. But things have not been easy and I’m getting frankly sick of the way he tugs at me when he’s nervous.

The Mad Max actor first grew his beard while filming Apocalypto, but more recently there has been talk of difficulties as he was spotted during the making of Blood Father apparently bare-chinned.

Rumors that the beard is currently dating Tom Cruise have been lamely denied.

The Passion 2 will be released in 2019.

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is out in 2020.

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

APPARENTLY, THE OSCARS ARE HAPPENING AGAIN …

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy published the Oscar nominations earlier this week. We give our reaction.

So apparently, the Oscars are on again this year. It’s almost as if it’s every year now. We were going to do a full list of nominations but my cut and paste finger is sore. So you can go here and see that. Then come back and read this.

Nominations

First things first. The Academy discovered there are people in America who aren’t white! Moonlight, Fences and Hidden Figures all picked up nods as did Ruth Negga with Loving, the Jeff Nichols film. Supporting actress category saw Miss Moneypenny as well as Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer getting nommed. If that’s a a verb.

To round of the diversity anti-Semite Mel Gibson received a nomination for Hacksaw Ridge, the perfect American movie – loads of dirty Japanese get killed while we pretend to admire pacifism.

Snubs

Then there were the SNUBS. Amy Adams didn’t get nominated for Arrival and Martin Scorsese missed out with Silence. To be honest, Adams is great but there’s a law that Meryl Streep has to be nominated and that took her spot. As for Silence. Kundun was miles better. Silence is like Shogun but with more religion and less Richard Chamberlain.

La La Land received a large haul of nominations. There’s a point at which this kind of love begins to hurt a movie. I loved La La Land, but I saw it in August when no one else had. If I was to walk in having heard all the praise, I might be tempted to think the film a technically bit of superficial whimsy. I don’t think that. But with the group think pressure to love it, I can understand the Pavlovian backlash that is on its way.

So we’ll leave predictions to the experts. Who knows? Maybe we’ll post about he Oscars again before the actually ceremony. Feel free to comment in the box about how you think the whole think went down. We never read them.

The Academy announce the winners on February 26th, 2017.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

HACKSAW RIDGE – REVIEW

HACKSAW RIDGE – REVIEW: Andrew Garfield plays pacifist superhero in bloody World War 2 drama.

Mel Gibson returns to blood and violence with a have-your-cake-and-eat-it Pacific theater war movie. Andrew Garfield stars as the pacifist stretcher-bearer Desmond Doss. Having volunteered to join the army at the outbreak of the Second World War, Doss refuses to carry a rifle, much to the consternation and then fury of his comrades and superiors. Vince Vaughn, who plays Vince Vaughn giving up smoking, is a sergeant with a particular grievance against him. However, once on the battlefield Doss’s heroism proves divinely inspired and life-saving.

Hacksaw Ridge is going for the same ideological spill-over that proved such a success for Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. Those who like war will like it, those who don’t like war will like it and those who say they don’t like war but secretly kind of do will love it. There’s muscular Christianity, muscularity generally and blood and guts galore. Garfield is good as a ‘holy fool’ whose pacifism seems to be reductively inspired by an aversion to his abusive father. Gibson seems to like him as a saintly character that you don’t really need to feel any need to imitate.

This is an insanely dishonest movie and as such will be hugely popular.

Oscar glory beckons.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

 

MEL GIBSON AND WOODY ALLEN BRAWL IN PUBLIC

LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.

‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’

Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’

The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.

‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’

The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’

Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.

Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.

SCRIPT LEAK: THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST 2

HOLLYWOOD – Braveheart screenwriter Randall Wallace has scripted The Passion of the Christ 2.

Mel Gibson and writer Randall Wallace are working on a sequel to The Passion of the Christ that will tell the story of the resurrection of Jesus and the Studio Exec have just received a leaked early draft.

EXT. GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE. DAY.

The Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene and several other women approach Jesus’ tomb. It is empty and they are amazed.

  MARY

Where’s Jesus’ body? His funeral vestments are here but there is no sign of him.

They look wistfully to the distance.

INT. THE TEMPLE. DAY.

The main synagogue of Jerusalem is in uproar. Jesus is fighting the pharisees and high priests.

PHARISEE

Jesus, we’re sorry. We really thought you were just a crank!

JESUS

You assholes sold me out. Now you pay.

He throws the priest into the tabernacle. 

INT. PILATE’S PALACE. DAY.

Pilate is having breakfast when Jesus bursts in killing two centurions with one spear throw.

PILATE
It’s the King of the Jews!

JESUS

Jews? F*ck those guys! I’m king of the Christians, bitch!

Jesus drowns Pilate in the same bowl of water that he used to wash his hands.

EXT. HILL ABOVE JERUSALEM. DAY.

Judas hangs from a tree, but Jesus with a look of compassion takes him down. He places a hand over his face and mutters a silent prayer. Judas’ eyes flutter as he comes back to life.

JUDAS

Jesus, my Lord. You brought me back to life!? You truly are the Son of God. Please forgive me.

JESUS
I always taught you to turn the other cheek.

JUDAS

Yes, Master.

JESUS

Then turn this cheek asshole!

Jesus punches Judas’ head clean off.

THE END

For more script leaks CLICK HERE.

 

5 CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE JEWISH

HOLLYWOOD – Film making and show business has had a long tradition of wonderful Jewish performers, but sometimes as a result of anti-Semitism or the short-sightedness of casting directors, some prefer to keep their ethnic identities under wraps.

Here are five celebrities who you might not have realized were actually Jewish.

Mel Gibson: Born in New York, Mel’s father was a man known to all as ‘the biggest Jew in New York’, but after founding a political party based on intense love of vegetables which led the notorious veggie-phobic New Yorkers to hunt him from his lower Manhattan brown stone and board a slow boat to Australia where Mel was brought up as an Aryan.

Gwyneth Paltrow: When she’s not bringing Robert Downey Jr coffee in Iron Man, Gwyneth Paltrow likes nothing more than to curl up with the Kabbala and a kosher vegan fruititarian power smoothie, unless it’s her cheat day in which case it’s fried dolphin sandwich sprinkled with chopped bacon and kittens’ noses.

John Wayne: The Duke was nothing if he wasn’t Jewish. In fact the reason he always made Westerns was that he liked to wear his kippah, (or yarmulke) under his cowboy hat.

Woody Allen: Talk about ‘hiding in plain sight’! Woody Allen has gone to great lengths to hide his Yiddish heritage by appearing in a series of films in which he plays a Jew but he has always publicly identified as a one of the Goyim. Not only did Allen change his name from Allan Stewart Konigsberg to Heywood “Woody” Allen after seeing Toy Story 2.

Jesus Christ: Possibly the most famous person in the world, Jesus began his life as a Jew and kind of ended it Jewish also. His lifework – to reform the Jewish religion – was rather misunderstood by his followers, who disregarded most of his teaching, preferring to invent an entirely new religion. Oops. Mel Gibson famously made a movie trying to fix the confusion, but succeeded only in making it worse.

For more FACTS click HERE.

BRENDAN GLEESON ‘NO MORE BIT PARTS’

HOLLYWOOD – Irish character actor Brendan Gleeson today said that he would only be accepting scripts where he has the starring role.

Brendan Gleeson – to be seen in Ron Howard’s latest In the Heart of the Sea – has announced that he will no longer be considering bit parts in movies.

He came by the Studio Exec bungalow to get some stuff off his chest.

You know Exec, I’ve been in this game a long while. All the way back to The Field in 1990. And since then I’ve racked up a healthy number on the old IMDb there. About seventy feature films in all and a shit tonne of telly as well. But the thing is the vast majority of those films, I’m just a bit part. I have a speaking role of course and I get to do my stuff but mostly there’s some other tall shite hogging the scenes, getting all the lasses and making off with the loot.

That’s terrible.

I know. At first I didn’t mind so much. I was happy to that there Hollywood. Swimming pools, movie stars, you know how it is. The work was good and I was usually done in a week or two. But I’m always Mel Gibson’s fat mate, or Tom Cruise’s superior officer, or one of Harry Potter’s teachers. I even got cuckolded by that thin glass of water Orlando Bloom in Troy.

I remember.

And I wanted to be doing more. I got a chance in The General and I really enjoyed it and again with The Guard and Calvary. But these parts were far and few between. So now I’ve just decided, feck it. I want to be a proper movie star and that’s that.

But you’re a really respected character actor.

I am so. And I know that. But my old mate Tom Wilkinson came over the other Saturday and we got to talking because he basically has the same problem. If anything it’s worse for him because I get the scripts first and he can only do those I don’t want to. Anyway Tom was saying ‘you’re a great actor big man. You should be going for the leading man roles more, so you should’ and I thought, he’s not wrong. At first, I was reluctant. ‘What about all the small parts, the villains and what not that they want me to play?’ but Tom said he’d take those on and not to worry a lick.

Brendan Gleeson will next be appearing in Bond 25.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 1. ROLAND EMMERICH

HOLLYWOOD – Roland Emmerich is our first interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

This town has a long history of taking in immigrants from Europe and using their talent to our mutual benefit. Look at Billy Wilder. Jesus, did that Austrian have cahones! And then there was Fritz Lang, what a massive talent! Dr. Mabuse, M and Metropolis. Michael Curtiz, Erich Von Strohiem, the list goes on and on, I think. And joining that venerable list is Roland Emmerich: the Master of Disaster, the chaos theory himself, the man some people are calling the new Kubrick, and by some people I mean idiots.

Emmerich first made a name for himself with Universal Soldier, an interesting character piece that pitted the talents of Dolph Lungren against Jean Claude Van Damme, a pairing that brought to mind the great acting duel of Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton in Beckett. Following up swiftly with some explorations in ‘science fiction’, Emmerich soon mastered the genre with Stargate and Independence Day and completed his ‘Trilogy’ with Godzilla.

‘It was a technical exercise,’ Roland tells me as he pours skimmed milk onto his Rice Krispies. ‘I wanted to see if I could take this giant monster, from Japanese movies and have it destroying New York, with the military and missiles and what not and yet still be boring. You see Spielberg had done dinosaurs in Jurrassic Park but he had done the obvious thing and made it exciting. Mine was the more difficult task.’

‘You succeeded brilliantly,’ I tell him.

‘Shhhhhh,’ he says. Of course, he wants to listen to the snap, crackle and pop.

‘The casting of Matthew Broderick as an action movie lead was key,’ he says.

And Jean Reno as comic relief.

Having completely dominated ‘science fiction’, Rollie decided it was time to make his mark in period drama. The Patriot – starring everyone’s favourite anti-Semite Mel Gibson – was like David Lean with blood squibs.

In order to give his lead depth, Rollie had him make a chair, and then, to add comedy, Rollie had the chair be crap.

‘He sits down, it breaks he falls on the floor,’ he waves a spoon at me. ‘Hilarious.’

At this point in his career, we couldn’t write contracts fast enough for this boy.

The Day After Tomorrow I would sincerely credit as Rollie’s masterpiece. Perhaps the most politically important film since Conan the Destroyer. After which there was nowhere to go but down. Trust Rollie Emmers to make going down an art form in itself. 2012 was such a pile of horrible steaming effluent that even John Cusack looked embarrassed (and he’ll do anything for a coin that glints). Cusack has since altered his appearance by weirdly disguising himself as a young Nick Cage (pictured).

Having perfected cinema in all its forms, the question was what next?

Rollie licks his spoon thoughtfully.

Everyone talks about Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare. Borrrrring! So I had this idea that how can this little jumped up slap head, you know and the plays and school and stuff? Whereas a noble with the words putting together stuff would be better, the writer be. But there was a problem. How to persuade these great British actors, Derek Jacobi, Mark Rylance, Rhys Ifans to be in a film which basically trashes the greatest English playwright.

So how did you do it?

Rollie laughs.

Easy. I paid them lots of money. They love money. They didn’t give a shit.

We laugh our asses off. What a great guy!

[This interview was originally published in The New Yorker September 2012]

For more Breakfasts, Click Here.

 

THE MAKING OF THE PASSION OF CHRIST

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our celebrated Making of… series, we look at the behind the scenes drama that went into the making of Mel Gibson’s Science Fiction Horror film “The Passion of the Christ”.

The Idea

Mel Gibson had for years been a life-long fan of tables and had wanted to make a film about the inventor of the table. However, he found financial backing hard to come by so fell back on his second project, a film about Jesus. He wrote to his father, a devoted right wing Catholic and author of the book: “The Pope is NOT Catholic”, describing the project:

At last pops, I’m getting the chance to make a film a film about a Christ. I haven’t chosen which one yet but I’m sure I’ll pick a good one.

His father replied:

A Christ? What on earth are you babbling about boy? There is only one Christ! The Christ! The Christ! And while you’re at it don’t forget to mention that he invented the table.

Mel was overjoyed that now his dream project had combined and was finally receiving the financing that would make it possible.

Production

Finding Jesus had been a difficult process but Mel finally found his star when he saw a man being horsewhipped in an S&M party. ‘It was the realism I was looking for,’ Gibson said. ‘I bought Jim a drink and it turned out, as well as adoring S&M he was also a committed  Catholic as well.

Jim Caviezel has already made a film with Terrence Malick – The Thin Red Line – but was happy to be making another as he feared he might not even appear in Malick’s finished film. He describes the shoot:

We shot The Passion of The Christ in Rome. It was physically a hard shoot. I wanted it to be as realistic as possible and so me and Mel were certainly on the same page. All that blood you see on the screen that’s my blood. It got so we had an ambulance standing by and they’d give me a quick blood transfusion so we could continue with the beating and the whipping and the nailing and the bleeding. My only disagreement with Mel, creatively, was at the end of the movie. He wanted that I come out of the cave and there to be a couple of Jewish elders there, those we’d seen at the beginning of the film in the Temple making crosses and what not. And I’d kind of rip their heads off. We actually filmed the scene, but wiser heads prevailed.

Reception

Although a massive commercial hit, The Passion of the Christ was considered controversial in some quarters for its anti-Semitic undertones. The Pope, however, was a big fan and wrote an encyclical letter in which he stated:

Mel Gibson has used all the arts of the cinema to recreate the grand suffering of Our Savior Jesus (the) Christ.  It’s like Braveheart on a cross, Mad Max meets St. Matthew’s Passion. Five stars.

The Passion of the Christ was released in 2004.

For more of The Making of… CLICK HERE.

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is due to start filming in the Summer.