5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ALEX JONES

HOLLYWOOD – Megyn Kelly’s new boyfriend is in the news but what do we really know about Alex Jones.

We sent the Studio Exec ALTERNATE FACT Squad to find out about who Alex Jones really is.

1. Alex Jones is a conspiracy and a false flag. The CIA or the NSA invented him to make everyone despair of the future of the human race. Thomas Pynchon once wrote: ‘Get them asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter if they find the answers.’ Jones is the patron saint of the wrong questions.

2. Alex Jones started his career as a choir boy and had a hit singing the theme song ‘I’m Walking in the Air’ t the Raymond Briggs animated feature The Snowman.

3. During his divorce, Alex Jones confessed to being a kind of performance artist. He also worked as a trapeze artist, a tightrope walker, a sword-swallower and human shaped receptacle for bile and filth.

4. Jabba the Hutt and Alex Jones have never been seen in the same room at the same time.

5. Among the many controversies Jones has embroiled himself in with all the sensitivity of a knuckle and the intellect of a clam, the most famous was the claim that the Sandy Hook school shooting was faked. His claim led to the harassment of some of the parents of the dead children by online trolls, convinced that they were part of some conspiracy.  The lack of empathy, the certainty of rightness without any evidence or intellectual support, the leap from supposition to conclusion with none of the intervening stages of – you know, thinking it through, asking people etc. – the bullish stubborn dumbness of this raspy voiced rat-penised asshole makes it no surprise that President Donald Trump likes and admires him. The unflushed toilet of America has a face and it is that of Alex Jones.

For more FACTS click HERE.

MEGYN KELLY LINES UP JABBA THE HUTT

HOLLYWOOD – NBC host Megyn Kelly will interview Jabba the Hutt on Sunday, causing yet more controversy.

Megyn Kelly has moved from Fox to NBC but it looks like the Fox News sensationalism has moved with her. First she softballs Vladimir Putin and then gives conspiracy theorist, truther and performance artist Alex Jones a platform. However, her latest interview is set to cause even more controversy. Next Sunday, Megyn will be interviewing Tatooine gangster Jabba Desilijic Tiure more commonly known of as Jabba the Hutt.

Kelly spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact is Jabba is a powerful force in the galaxy and it is time that we examined the views, as abhorrent as those views might be to some people. Do I agree with what he says? No. Do I support the slavery and scriminal activity he is accused of? Of course not. Do I like having to wear that strange Princess Leia bikini as a precondition to agreeing to the interview? I’d rather not. But if that’s what it takes to get the ratings… I mean story, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay. It’s not nice, but then again I worked for Roger Ailes so I think I’m prepared.

However, victims of the Hutts represented by the Sarlac Truth Society roundly condemned NBC:

Jabba the Hutt has destroyed literally thousands of lives, many of them being digested in a slow horrible death in the Pit of Carkoon or killed by the Rancor. The fact that he will be given a prime time audience on national television is an insult to all those who have died.

When called on to respond NBC issued a one word statement:

RATINGS.

Megyn Kelly Meets Jabba will air this Sunday on NBC. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP DROPS OUT OF ELECTION BECAUSE MEGYN KELLY WILL BE THERE

WASHINGTON – Former TV reality star Donald Trump has dropped out of the race to be the next Republican candidate for the US presidency.

The surprise move came following a no-show at the Fox hosted debate yesterday evening. Mr. Trump had cited the presence of the ‘lightweight’ reporter Megyn Kelly as well as the pronouncements by Fox News boss Roger Ailes as his motivation for that decision. The property tycoon, who was ahead in the polls is a popular presence on social media which is expected to rise this year. Trump attended an event to raise money for a veterans charity instead and despite his absence it has been claimed that he won the debate anyway. However, in a statement released by the Trump camp yesterday saying that Mr. Trump was withdrawing his candidacy:

We have tried to run a fair campaign, but I have discovered that even if I were to win the candidacy of the Republican party I would be forced as a Presidential candidate to endure more debates with Megyn Kelly and she might also be involved with the coverage on election night. I cannot put up with her micro-aggressions and I have already talked to Roger Ailes – who remains despite everything a good friend – and he has told me that Fox will not provide trigger warnings before that woman appears on the screen.

Mr. Trump refused to say whether or not he would be running as an independent candidate but it is believed that such a decision would be highly unlikely.

One top analyst told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The man is shattered. I mean he’s a wreck. The amount of hostility he has had to put up with and the protesters at his rallies, something that doesn’t seem to happen to other candidates. You see this big blustering asshole with this huge blustering mouth, but Mr. Trump in private moments is a very delicate flower that needs nurturing and watering and a little sunshine. You know how he relaxes? He reads Marcel Proust in the original French.

With Donald Trump off the ticket, Ted Cruz now looks like a front runner. God have mercy on our souls.

MEGYN KELLY: NELSON MANDELA WAS WHITE

NEW YORK – FOX news anchor Megyn Kelly courted controversy once more today when she claimed on her show during the funeral ceremony for former South African President Nelson Mandela that the defeater of Apartheid was in fact ‘white’.

A transcript from the show reads:

What people forget about Nelson Mandela was that he was of course white when he went into prison, and he only became black as a result of political correctness gone crazy and the lame stream media insisting on it.

Despite her studio guesting politely asking Kelly to ‘put down the crack pipe for one second’, the Fox News star continued:

It’s typical that now the man is dead, everyone is insisting he was black. It’s the playing of the race card, not even the race card, it’s like race bridge by now … well, it’s ridiculous. Race, race, race… It’s like these South Africans are obsessed with it. Jesus, it’s not like Apartheid was even about race per se. 

 The comments came only days after a similar outburst during which she told viewers that Santa Claus and Jesus Christ were both verifiably white. Idris Elba – who plays the ANC freedom fighter in the new film Long Walk to Freedom –responded:

I have a lot of respect for Megyn Kelly (who is she by the way?) and the ‘opinions’ that she obviously holds dearly. But Nelson Mandela was black. 

 Fox News has yet to issue a statement (aside from all the statements they broadcast on a 24/7 basis).