SHIA LABEOUF DOESN’T GET ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf did not get arrested yesterday, reports confirm.

Transformers and American Honey actor, Shia LaBeouf didn’t spend the night in a jail cell after having not been arrested in the early hours of Saturday morning. He was not seen in a state of public intoxication, nor was he approached by police officers. He failed completely to abuse them verbally and was not restrained. It was not part of an art installation and he has not apologized this morning.

He did not say:

I have let down my fans and I want to say I am deeply sorry for any offence my actions caused. I’ve been working really hard and I have this bad back. The medication for my back had a bad effect on the beers I had at a friend’s birthday party. I’m sorry about that.

That statement was not released. Co-star and friend Megan Fox did not offer her sympathies. She didn’t say:

Shia is going through a lot at the moment and more than anything he needs everyone to step back a bit and give the guy some room.

Shia La Beouf will not be seen in Krispy Face Slap which isn’t released in 2018.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS RELEASE MIGHT CAUSE VIOLENCE

HOLLYWOOD – Federal authorities have warned that the release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows might cause violence and have insisted that distributors take precautions.

The release of any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a big deal, but the highly anticipated arrival of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows has prompted law enforcement agencies across the country to issue some of the starkest warnings yet since M. Night Shyamalan released The Happening. A spokesperson for the FDD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We know for a fact that some people are going to want to go and see this film. Most of these people are honest, decent hardworking folk who just wanted to relax in front of one of the big tent pole releases of the Summer blockbuster season. And yet we also know that the demand is going to be so high for tickets that not everyone is going to be satisfied and that’s where the trouble might start. We will be stationing full riot police at every cinema and erecting outside screens to try and deal with the overflow.

The extra measures will hopefully avert the scenes that greeted the release of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 2014 which saw over five thousand people lose their lives in what was described as ‘the nearest thing to a movie civil war’.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be released in July, 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay produced, Megan Fox starring and Jonathan Liebesman directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has hit the screens and is winning plaudits and applause universally, with not a single dissenter. But how much do we know about these ‘TMNTs’? And is there anyway we could kill them? The Studio Exec sent the FACT squad into the sewer of untruth to delivery the pizza of KNOWLEDGE.

1. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles don’t exist. They were just made up by some guy. First as a comic book, then a cartoon, then a film, and now this. I  mean it’s pathetic really the lies people tell.

2. Among fans there is a huge controversy over adjectival order. In their first appearance they were called the Mutant Teenage Turtle Ninjas, but then this was changed to Ninja Teenage Turtle Mutants and even for a short period the Turtle Ninja Mutant Teenagers. In Los Angeles a series of drive-by shootings from rival gangs were blamed on the mutant ninja or ninja mutant dispute of 1998.

3. Although still labeled as Teenage, the Mutant Teenage Mutant Ninjas are all now in their mid-forties.

4. Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael and Leonardo all take their names from German novelists.

5.   Michael Bay.

For more FACTS click HERE.

 

 

MICHAEL BAY TO DELIVER STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

WASHINGTON – In a last minute change of plans, President Obama has announced that he will be substituted today and Michael Bay will be giving the historic State of the Union address to the joint session of Congress and the Senate. 

The change marks part of ‘a relaxation agenda’ on the part of the second term President who in a note given by his White House spokesman explained he had ‘stuff to do’. When quizzed on what could be more important than addressing the nation, he remarked: ‘Oh you know, important stuff.’
Michael Bay said he was raring to go. 

I had a little set back a few weeks ago. I don’t know if anyone noticed. Anyway I was having lunch when the call came through and Barack said ‘Time to get back on the horse Mikey’. Plus I’m assuming the White House boys are tech savvy. More so than those Samsung assholes anyhow.

It has also been revealed that the content of the address has changed slightly and will have less detail about economics, the recovery and the Affordable Health Care Act and more to do with ‘benefits of ancillary sales’, ‘f*cking the frame’ and ‘Megan Fox’s ass’. As for the environment – thought to be one of President Obama’s new initiatives – Bay was enthused: ‘I fracking love it!’

The State of the Union will be released in 2015.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER RE-IMAGINES THE MONA LISA

 PARIS – Standing gaping at the enigmatic smile of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona lisa in the Louvre; movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer was distinctly overheard planning a drastic re-imagining of the renaissance masterpiece.

21 year old Canadian backpacker Matt Walker was first on the scene to capture the blue sky thinking of the Hollywood hit machine as he brazenly discussed radical new directions for the silent 16th Century visage. Walker’s tumblr blog reports:

It was such a thrill to be there to witness the master in action, the way he works a concept, his effortless phone networking with creatives in far flung locations all over the world… awesome! just awesome! 

In a spoiler filled post, Walker fully discloses all the possible plot details of the project, highlights include:

  • Bruckheimer is insisting on full 3D IMAX treatment for a fully immersive experience.
  • A scenery cameo for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, just over her left shoulder, creeping up and whispering ‘shhh’ to the viewer.
  • A high concept chase involving one of Da Vinci’s un-produced ‘Bat-Copter’ sketches.
  • A subplot about a troubled love affair with the Jesus Christ from Da Vinci’s Last Supper to be explored in a prequel painting.
  • The addition of a mechanical ‘Space Squid’.
Bruckheimer has since confirmed that the project is indeed being fast tracked and that he has already commissioned a few concept easels from Brett Ratner and a rough plot outline from Lost and Prometheus scribe Damon Lindelof
 
UPDATE: Bruckheimer has entered the sculpture section and is now brainstorming with the security guards about a Twilight style teen fantasy about a girl who falls for a statue of Roman Emperor Nero. McG is set to direct.

BRETT RATNER REBOOTS THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Brett Ratner announced plans to remake Krzysztof Kieslowski’s prestigious Three Colors Trilogy. The Rush Hour 2 director said he loved the originals and wanted his versions to be thought of as a homage to the genius of the Polish director’s vision.

But whilst admiring the complex themes and often striking cinematography Ratner always thought ‘there was too much reading involved’ so his version is going to be in American. Kieslowski’s triptych of films was based on the colors of the French flag (blue, white and red) and each story was loosely based on Liberty, Equality and Fraternity: the motto of post-revolutionary France. Ratner has already declared that he will reverse the order to red, white and blue, because ‘you know, our flag, red, white and blue thing.’ The original trilogy also features outstanding performances from the actresses Juliet Binoche, Julie Delpy and Irene Jacob.

‘Casting is everything,’ Mr. Ratner said. ‘We have Julia Roberts, Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox already on  board.’

The first of the trilogy, Three Colors: Red, will be directed by Brett Ratner, whereas Three Colors: White and Three: Colors Blue will be given to guest director while Brett Ratner takes on an executive producing role.

Brett Ratner’s Three Colors: Red will be released in 2015.

DARYL HANNAH’S AMAZON ARMY ‘READY TO ATTACK’

NEW YORK – News came in earlier today that Daryl Hannah – star of such films as Kill Bill Volume 2 and Splash! – has been amassing a private army of Amazonian warriors ready to attack America, overturn the government and implement a Fem-Ocracy. As is almost always the case with stories of this nature, Anne Hathaway has been named as one of her most prized Lieutenants.
Uma Thurman first reported Hannah’s plans to disbelieving reporters during a junket for the concluding Volume of the Kill Bill saga:

I was telling them that Hannah had recruited some of the most famous actress in her army. Jolie was already on board and Megan Fox. Helen Mirren had her own private army for years, but they were considered too radical and anyway her and Dame Judi Dench were British and so had their own agenda.

Thurman’s warnings were met with scepticism even by Four Rooms director Quentin Tarantino.

Sure, she talked to me about it. But I thought she was pitching a film, a film I’d still be interested in doing, by the way, should Daryl still fancy it after the revolution. 

Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus are all thought to hold key positions. Some have speculated that Hannah’s Amazon army might move first on Russia to free the Pussy Riot group. Others have argued that the whole story comes from a misread email about a Daryl Hannah Box Set ordered from Amazon.