DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

ISIS WELCOME ZOOLANDER 2

MOSUL – Islamic terrorist group ISIS have welcomed the news that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are going to return for Zoolander 2.

The announcement of the Zoolander sequel came in the form of an appearance on the cat walk at Paris fashion week, when Stiller and Wilson in character as Hansel and Derek Zoolander had a walk off.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and emir of ISIS, issued a statement on the internet within minutes of the confirmation that Zoolander 2 would begin filming soon.

We of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are overjoyed – God be praised – at the return of Derek Zoolander and Hansel and the comedy that makes us all laugh. We hope – God willing – that there will also be celebrity cameos, featuring David Duchovny Billy Zane or Winona Ryder, who is still hot. We also demand that the Will Ferrell’s villainous fashion designer Mugatu also returns. His improv is priceless.

Exactly what the connection is between ISIS’ declared ambition of creating a universal caliphate and the 2001 comedy film is unclear, but we spoke to Middle East expert Merton Paul to find out:

ISIS has gone through some radical changes in the last few months. The leadership is surprised at the amount of success it has had with its reach now spreading all around the Mediterranean and into central Africa. There is always the danger when a group like this has such success that it will splinter. Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time. All Jihadis love the original Zoolander. 98% of the population of the Arab world rate it as ‘way better than Meet the Parents’ in a recent poll. This will be used as a way of uniting what threatened to become a fragmented movement. For the leadership, Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time.

Zoolander 2 will be released in 2016.

 

WALTER MITTY TO FILM THE SECRET LIFE OF BEN STILLER

HOLLYWOOD – Multi-hyphenate fictional character Walter Mitty is to star in, write and direct a new film based on the James Thurber short story The Secret Life of Ben Stiller

Mitty describes the film as a passion project although over the years other directors such Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard have been associated with the script.  Ben Stiller (Walter Mitty) is a comedian who dreams of being much funnier than he is and escapes into a fantasy universe where he is considered a comic genius.  
Mitty talked to Studio Exec exclusively:  

For me it’s very personal. Ben Stiller’s story is a universal one that any sad loser can appreciate. It is the story of someone who used to be funny increasingly trapped by his own delusions of mediocrity into producing a steady stream of formulaic star-studded bullshit like Night at the Museum and Meet the Parents.

The Secret Life of Ben Stiller is due out in December, 2013. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART ONE)

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro is 70 years old today. But how much do you know about him? That’s right! Nothing.

You know nothing. NOTHING! So sit down, shut up, and let the Studio Exec fill your void of a brain with FACTS.

1. Robert De Niro is Australian.

2. De Niro’s favorite director is Martin Scorsese, but due to emotional scenes during the making of Casino, Scorsese and De Niro decide to start seeing other people. Scorsese soon replaced De Niro with Leonardo Di Caprio, but De Niro like a floundering child has found himself passed from one abusive foster home to another. Jay Roach, Justin Zachman and Jon Avnet have been the unworthy recipients of Mr. De Niro’s time. 

3. De Niro’s meticulous preparation and devotion to the authenticity of the role is now legendary. During the making of Cape Fear he beat a woman to death just to see how it felt, and during the making of Meet the Parents he watched all of Ben Stiller’s previous films so he could feel the appropriate amount of hatred for Ben Stiller’s character. 

4. Robert De Niro has won seventeen Oscars. But all of them were for set design, a little known part of his talent.

5. Whenever De Niro was called on to play a real life character – such as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull – he would chop off the finger of the real person and ingest it as part of his preparation.   

Happy Birthday Mr. De Niro will air on HBO at 11 EST. 

ROBERT DE NIRO TO START ‘READING SCRIPTS AGAIN’

NEW YORK – The Studio Exec can exclusively report that two-time Oscar-winning actor, Robert De Niro, has revealed that he is going to start reading scripts again before committing to film projects.

During a recent interview in his TriBeCa office, De Niro told us that he hasn’t actually read a film script since 1993’s This Boy’s LifeHe explained:

Yeah, I just haven’t had time to read scripts and assess the material before committing to a movie. I have been too busy with my production company, my hotels and restaurants. Plus, now I have two young kids to look after! And until recently it hadn’t really been much of a problem. I guess I just figured – ‘Hey! I’m Robert De Niro! The greatest actor of his generation! I can just show up on the day, smirk, mug, smirk again, stick my tongue out, say some stuff until they yell cut and collect my paycheck! Al’s been doing it for YEARS! And the movie will turn out fine and people will pay to see it!’ Right?

Wrong.

The wake-up call came when De Niro was on a flight home from Cannes a few weeks ago and the inflight movie happened to be Red Lights, a film he made in 2012. He wasn’t impressed with what he saw.

“It was total shit,” admits De Niro.

Once back in New York, the actor decided to take a closer look at his recent output, and what he saw shocked him.

I guess you could say I have been asleep at the wheel. Okay, there have been a few good movies in the last twenty years – Heat. Casino. Even Meet the Parents. And sure, Silver Linings Playbook was pretty good. But overall I have to say that I have pissed all over my own legacy from a height. It’s time to make changes in the way I do things.


De Niro is now taking steps to rectify this situation and has made a promise to himself, and his fans, to only act in films that have “something important to say” or “present a genuine acting challenge.”

And this plan will come into effect once De Niro clears his current slate of movies which includes Meet the Fokking Grandparents, Analyze Those, Taxi Driver 2 – Bickle’s Back and Stardust 2: Stardustier.