HOLLYWOOD – Cult classic musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show is to be remade and the news has been universally welcomed by fans everywhere.

‘Let’s do the time warp again!’ And again! as Fox announce that The Rocky Horror Picture Show is to be remade in an announcement that delighted fans of the original everywhere. Joe Lewis’ response was typical of the outpouring of love:

The original film is great and we all love it. We love dressing up as the characters and attending special screenings. But the fact of the matter is that film is forty years old. Everyone I know is tired of it. I mean bored. There are only so many times you can watch Tim Curry and co camping it up. And the part with Meatloaf is almost unwatchable after all that I’ll Do Anything For you (But I won’t Do That)’ stuff. Susan Sarandon is in it and I can’t get the image out of my head of her as the nun from Dead Man Walking when she’s singing ‘Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-Me’. It ruins it for me.

The new version will tell the story of sweethearts Janet Weiss (Victoria Justice) and Brad Majors (Ryan McCartan), who enter the creepy house of Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Laverne Cox), a sexually ambiguous, and crazy scientist. She is holding an annual Transylvanian science convention to showcase the birth of “Rocky Horror” – a  man (Staz Nair) created solely to fulfill Frank-N-Furter’s desires. Originally writer and butler Richard O’Brien has also welcomed the deal.

Many people said why make it again. The original version is damned near perfect and it has a great following. They show it everywhere again and again, like a constant revival, but the truth is I’d really like a bigger house. The house I have is pretty good, but if I could get a bigger one, I’d like it to have turrets and perhaps a moat. I mean I say house but I’m really thinking of a castle I suppose. And I’ve always wanted a helipad and I believe Kenny Ortega’s new version of Rocky Horror Picture Show can deliver that.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show will be directed by the man who brought us High School Musical.


Fixed grin

UTAH – In a telephone call to donors, Governor and almost President Mitt Romney explained his failed bid for the White House by pointing the finger at one large fellow: Meatloaf.
‘With an election as close as this one any minor change can have a huge effect on the result,’ said Romney. ‘And when that fat oaf lumbered on stage, I knew the gig was up.’
  Romney’s campaign was already struggling to rescue momentum upset by the twin setbacks of Hurricane Sandy and the widespread rumor that Lindsay Lohan was going to declare for the Romney camp.

I did my best to distance myself from the Lindsay Lohan endorsement and Adam Sandler as well. Andy Garcia was for me and he was great in The Untouchables but people remember him for being in the worst Godfather movie. But that night in Defiance, Ohio, when Meatloaf took the stage, I knew I no longer had a Bat out of Hell’s chance. 

Meatloaf was unavailable for comment.