BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.
Spiderman No Place Like Home
The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.
By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.
The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West
But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.
The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.
SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS
Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.
Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?
Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?
Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer
You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.
Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?
It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.
Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?
Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.
But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?
Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?
Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly
BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.
Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?
I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.
What Do You Mean By That?
Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.
But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.
Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.
Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.
Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?
I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.
We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly
HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.
Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project
Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.
Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?
No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.
Are You Feeling Ok?
That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.
Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?
I’m in it, you piece of shit.
Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon
HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.
So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?
Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.
Why Is That?
Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?
But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?
Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?
It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out
I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.
Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks
BREAKING NEWS – The Marvel Hawkeye series storyline has been leaked online. Starting at the end of the Korean War, the Marvel Hawkeye series storyline will follow the title character after he leaves his MASH Unit.
Marvel At Hawkeye and Corporal Klinger
Following Hawkeye after he leaves the Army and his MASH Unit behind, he travels to Seoul with Corporal Klinger and his wife. While in Seoul, Benjamin Hawkeye takes up archery and discovers his natural talent for the sport. Soon, he’s representing the USA in Archery at the Olympics, winning silver and missing out on gold to Bullseye (Colin Farrell).
SHIELD On The Radar
In the second episode, Hawkeye is recruited into SHIELD by his old Army buddy, Radar. Radar now works for SHIELD in communications and soon the two are battling against their nemesis, Major Margaret ‘Hotlips’ Houlihan. Elliot Gould turns up in a cameo role but leaves quickly when he realizes this is the TV MASH and not the movie.
Non-Stop Court Action
In the third episode, the estate of the late Robert Altman takes the makers of Hawkeye to court. It’s because they’re not seeing a penny from the characters that first appeared in Altman’s movie. The majority of the episode will be a ranting monologue from Altman’s lawyer about ‘those bastards at Fox’ and then ‘those corporate fuckers at Disney’.
The show then jumps forward to the events immediately after Endgame. There we find Hawkeye at a crossroads in his life. He takes semi-retirement where he spends the rest of his days appearing in the occasional Neil Simon film adaptation and Woody Allen film. The Woody Allen films are all before that ‘you know’… business came out in the news. But let’s not get into that right now. That’s a whole other can of worms.
Hawkeye Premiers Soon On Disney+
With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.
Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices
The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”
Marvel-lous Car Prices
“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”
Mickey’s Big Day In Court
With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.
MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS
HOLLYWOOD – The Box Office returns of Avengers: Endgame prove disappointing.
Avengers: Endgame, the concluding chapter of phase whatever of the MCU, disappoints at the box office. Marvel Studio executives are pretending it made a lot of money but in reality it made practically zip. Although some media outlets are quoting sums in the multiple millions and forecasting an easy road to the billion plus dollar mark, sources close to the production told the Studio Exec that the movie has in fact made $23 in total. And $6 of that is in international territories.
Figures aren’t yet available for China but Marvel will be hoping to double the State-side performance.
We spoke with Parnel Sticks about the commercial ramifications:
You have to understand, the Avengers films are very expensive to make. Sometimes costing a hundred to three hundred dollars. So in order to make money back they have to earn at least five hundred dollars. Maybe more.
Why didn’t it make boatloads of money?
One reason was because of the so-called Russo Brothers. Because there are two of them that means you have to pay two directors instead of just one. That right there is going to add, what? another fifty dollars to the budget. And there’s no guarantee that two directors are going to make the film twice as good. Also Robert Downey Jr has become a monster and his demands for massive bowls of blue M&Ms also had an impact on the cost of the film.
Avengers: Endgame is currently showing in one theater in North Dakota and nowhere else.