McG DIRECTING HEAT 2

HOLLYWOOD – Several weeks ago Michael Mann announced he has co-written and will be publishing the sequel / prequel novel to his 90s smash hit crime thriller, Heat. Today Mann announced that Charlie’s Angels and Terminator: Salvation director, McG is directing Heat 2. With McG directing Heat 2, we caught up with the controversial director to talk about this surprise announcement.

So, McG Directing Heat 2. How Did You Get That Gig?

Honestly, I have no f**king idea. I was settled in directing shitty TV episodes of whatever, which suited me fine. Then from nowhere, Micky Mann calls me and Badda-bing! I got the gig. Go figure?

What Are Your Plans For Casting?

As I’m sure you know, the book follows Val Kilmer’s character Chris after the events from the original. It also tells the stories of Al’s and Bobby’s characters before we met them in Heat. I’m gonna stick with the same actors for continuity. Marty Scorsese perfected the de-ageing techniques in The Irishman, so I’m just gonna piggy-back on what he did. Easy.

Are You Sure About That? Not Everybody Was Convinced.

F**k them! If it’s good enough for Marty, it’s sure as shit good enough for me. I’m also casting Sam Worthington in it. Not sure who he’s gonna play yet. But I just think he’s one of the most compelling performers we have.

What Else Can You Tell Us About The Movie?

Where the first movie fell down was in the lack of action sequences. Yeah, it had a decent gun battle, but where was all the bullet time? Where were all the hunter-killer robots? That’s what the Heat universe needs. Hey, hang on just one goddam minute. That gives me an idea. We can make this not only a Heat sequel and prequel, but also a prequel to Terminator: Salvation. Sam can reprise his role of Robby The Robot, or whatever the f**k he was in that movie. Maybe we could even get Christian Bale back as John Connor. He had so much fun playing that role.

Are You Sure That Will Fit In With What’s Gone Before?

You have seen my work before, right? Do you think I give a shit about any of that? This is gonna be awesome, baby. YEAH!

Heat 2: Turn Up The Temperature Is Slated For A 2024 Release

THIS MEANS WAR: A COMEDY?

steaming effluent

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the Chris Pine, Reese Witherspooon and Tom Hardy ménage-a-trois This Means War was actually supposed to be a comedy. The director Joseph McGinty Nichol – who because of a clerical error has been lumbered with the ludicrous sobriquet McG – revealed in an interview for the academic journal Scrotus: “It was supposed to be a comedy, but I’ll be God-damned if I ever heard anyone laugh.”

Joseph McGinty Nichol


Tom Hardy is still under the impression that he was in a gritty Bourne like spy drama and Reese Witherspoon saw it as a breakout dramatic role for her. Chris Pine was the only member of the cast who was in on the joke that there were supposed to be jokes.
“It quickly became apparent that we were creating a deeply offensive pile of steaming effluent,” admitted Joseph McGinty Nichol – AKA McG, “But by then, it was too late, and there was nothing we could do but go on with it and hope that no one would go and see it.”

Joseph McGinty Nichol added that he was deeply sorry for anyone who had paid money for a ticket, and would personally pay people back out of his own pocket.

“They’ll have to find me first,” he said, laughing.

Words he quickly regretted as an international manhunt involving several state security agencies as well as private individuals, corporations and NGOs, was immediately launched by the non-amused.

Scrotus is available from all good newsagents.