CLINT EASTWOOD ‘WAS A NAZI’

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper director Clint Eastwood has been accused of being a Nazi after photographs of the young Clint dressed in a Wehrmacht uniform leaked onto the net.

The furor is only likely to add fuel to the fire of controversy currently raging around the octogenarian’s latest film and Oscar hopeful American Sniper which tells the story of a sniper who is American, but not Lee Harvey Oswald.

Documentarian and Fox News expert Michael Moore told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Clint’s films have often played with right wing ideology. Dirty Harry was called a fascist by Pauline Kael among others, and although the original film retained some ambiguity, the later manifestations were more straightforwardly right wing fantasies. Now what these photographs apparently show is Clint Eastwood dressed as a German soldier circa 1943. In other words at the height of the Nazi Reich’s power. And from this draw what you may.

However, supporters of the Every Which Way But Loose star said that the photographs actually come from a film called Where Eagles Dare, in which Clint ‘played’ a Nazi. Moore was having none of it.

That’s just hair-splitting. Whether he was a Nazi or he played a Nazi in a film the important thing surely is that the word Nazi and the words Clint Eastwood have appeared in a sentence together. And that has to be worth something. I mean, where there’s smoke, surely there has to be fire?

But surely lots of actors have played Nazis, Malcolm McDowell, Ralph Fiennes, Max Von Sydow, Tom Cruise and Christoph Waltz have all donned the uniform.

It only goes to show how bad the problem is.

Clint Eastwood has so far refused to comment, as he was busy working on his new film Triumph of the American Will. 

47 FILMS: 18. FLASH GORDON

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at the Dino De Laurentiis produced space opera Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon was the Saturday morning serial of choice. Buster Crabbe would forever be getting into scrapes and with the help with some dubious editing would manage to escape the next day. Everything was hokey but at the same time the special effects weren’t half bad. Certainly stand comparison with CGI circa 1994. 1995. 1996. You get the idea. The movie version has a long history of near misses with some of the most illustrious directors being attached at one time or another to an adaptation of the Alex Raymond comic strip. George Lucas was going to do it before basically doing it as Star Wars. Federico Fellini had bought an option to make it but never got round to it: he appears in the film as the name of Ornella Muti’s pet alien. Nicolas Roeg was hired and then fired and Sergio Leone was even asked to come in, but turned it down.

In the end Mike Hodges – most famous for the grim English noir Get Carter – was hired to film a script by Lorenzo Semple who had cut his teeth on the original Batman TV show. It aims for the same tone of camp comedy with Chaim Topol’s mad scientist Dr. Zarkof kidnapping amiable knucklehead Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) and Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and flying them to Mars in a rocket ship. Here they encounter Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow’s best role ever) who sentences Flash to death and decides to marry Dale. Flash is saved because agreeable nymphomaniac Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) takes a shine to him. Uniting the birdmen and the woodland folk, led by Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed respectively, Flash is set to turn the tables on Ming, all to the sound of Britain’s best pub rock band Queen, thumping and camping away in the background.

The film is a glorious mess with no one taking it seriously. There was a porn parody Flesh Gordon (soon to be remade by Matthew Vaughn), but the risque humor on display here and the unbelievably sexy Ornella Muti really means it was surplus to requirement. Following Aura’s capture and whipping, Peter Wyngarde as Klytus purrs ‘She seemed to enjoy it!’

The special effects are cheesy and the dialogue so tongue in cheek that Sam Jones’ performance was almost entirely dubbed by another actor. There is an affection and nostalgia built into the film as well that makes it a pleasure to return to even if the film never quite makes up its mind to be an out and out comedy or an exciting action adventure.

For more of our 47 Films to See Before You’re Murdered in Your Dreams,Click HERE.

MICHAEL SHANNON’S COMEDY PUNCH ON HBO

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Shannon’s Comedy Punch – which was initially part of Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In  (for more on that CLICK HERE) – has now been slated for its own slot in the Fall season.

The show which involves Michael Shannon punching unsuspecting members of the public in the back of the head, the face or the kidneys to hilarious results was originally a five minute slot, but its success has been such that HBO have booked a fifteen part season with a two hour special to get the ball rolling. We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Michael Shannon.

Mr Shannon, sir, is this a chance to show off your diverse talents?

I’m always the psychopath, or the lunatic. The homicidal killer. Something like that. But I have a lot more to offer on the comedy and light entertainment side of the business. People are surprised they say, ‘You don’t know comedy! You don’t know what’s funny!’ But I do.

For example?

Like when I punch people and they fall down, that’s funny. When they bleed and they look scared and you can see in their eyes, they think they’re going to die, that’s funny. And when they cower and hold their hands up and beg for you to not punch them again, and they’re like animals who, if you kill their souls, will become your slaves in heaven, that’s, you know, funny.

Will the format be the same?

Yeah, pretty much. I try something different now and then, like kicking someone’s legs out from under them, but I usually go back to punching them. Oh, and we’re going to have celebrity guests. 

Will they be punching people too?

No I’ll punch them. 

Who like?

Woody Allen, Eli Wallach, Max Von Sydow, the chick from Amour.

Emmanuelle Riva?

Yeah that’s her.

But these are all quite elderly people.

And?

Well, won’t punching them be risky. They could die. 

Yeah. Ha ha. I know. The color goes out of their faces. Ha ha. And they sort of wheeze out that last breath like letting off a sparrow into eternity. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

Michael Shannon’s Comedy Punch will air in the Fall of this year.

THE EXPENDABLES 3 CAST LIST RELEASED

HOLLYWOOD – Ever since the baffling success of The Expendables 2, rumors have been rife about who will be included in the next installment The Expendables 3 of the geriatric action franchise.

The Studio Exec can now exclusively reveal the cast list in full.

Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Plumber, Elia Wallach and Max Von Sydow team up with Sylvester Stallone et al to kick some enemy butt.

Chip

Expendables 3: It is a Country For Old Men sees the mercenaries escape the clutches of evil Nurse Ratchet (Renee Zellweger) and fly away to Thirdworldonia, where the evil warlord Grampus, played by out-of-retirement Kelsey Grammer, is building an army of They-all-look-the-same-to-me-ites. Plumber plays young newcomer to the team, Jock and Eli Wallach will be his younger brother Chip. Max Von Sydow describes himself as the baby of the group, Joey, who is an expert in explosives and cocoa.

Expendables 3: 
It is a Country For Old Men will be made, released and forgotten in 2014.

MAX VON SYDOW IS CHRISTIAN GREY IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD  – The wait is over; the fervid rumors can cease: finally, the film makers turning E.L. James’ erotic literary masterpiece Fifty Shades of Grey have found their Charlie Hunnam replacement and lead: Max Von Sydow.

‘We thought Shia LaBeouf and Ryan Gosling at first and then we thought, maybe Robert Pattinson, but in the end we decided to go with an actor,’ says producer, Hamish McRse. ‘And name me a better actor than famed Swedish thespian Max Von Sydow.’


Von Sydow – or Jesus the Merciless as he prefers to be known – said that he was delighted to have landed the role:

I’ve read the book a number of times and it is very racy, but I’ve talked to my doctors and they say that as long as I get plenty of rest the night before I should be up for it. I will of course follow the example of the great Shia LaBeouf and insist on doing it for real.

 As yet no name has been announced for Anastasia Steele, the young student who is swept up in Christian (Sydow) sadomasochistic sex dominance games sex, although Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence have both been rumoured. More on this story as it breaks.

CORRECTION: in an earlier post it was mentioned that Rutger Hauer would be playing the role but that was an error and – as many of you pointed out – plainly ridiculous, he’s much too young.

50 Shades of Grey is due in cinemas sometime in 2014.

GUY PEARCE ELECTED PRESIDENT OF ITALY

ROME – After weeks of political turmoil following a closely fought and indecisive election, Australian character actor and Memento star Guy Pearce has been elected President of the Republic.

As the Italian head of state, Guy will rule for seven years and next week flies to Italy to be sworn in and supervise the forming of a new government which looks set to include some of the freshest faces in show business, including Max Von Sydow, Harvey Keitel and Eli Wallach, who will be the minister of youth.

Political commentator, Davide Brandalise commented:

Although unconventional, the voting in of a character actor is not unprecedented  In the 1970s, Telly Savalas served as Italian President for two terms, until he was replaced by Christophe Lambert. I think that Guy could be a very good president. 

Pearce will take over from the 88 year old former President, who said he was tired and wanted a long nap.

REMAKE WATCH: VICTORY

LONDON – Francis Ford Coppola‘s long awaited Escape to Victory reboot will replace soccer with golf.

The original John Huston original from 1981 featured a Michael Caine and Sylvester Stallone who team up with a cast of similar non-actors, in the form of professional footballers: Ozzie Ardelese and Pelé and who have to plan an escape (via soccer) to victory, or possibly instant recapture and firing squad. Max Von Sydow, an actual actor, played the sympathetic Nazi commandant.

For Coppola, the gestation of his remake actually began in 1968, before the original was even thought of. ‘I always wanted to remake a film called Escape to Victory,’ the bearded vintner squirmed. ‘But until 1981, no such film existed.’

‘A disgrace to the noble art of adultery’


Defending his tampering with the original story – which was ludicrous enough already – Coppola took out a gun and started firing at the journalists. Once disarmed, he argued more cogently and legally, ‘Golf if a traditional Prussian game and it will give the POWs more scope to escape. I have a hilarious scene where one of the Nazis kills himself in a bunker, a sand bunker (or sand trap). Okay maybe it isn’t that funny.’

Tom Hardy will play the Michael Caine role, Michael Caine will play the Sylvester Stallone role and Tiger Woods will play the Pelé role. All the ‘actors’ will be shaving their body hair in preparation for filming due to begin in 2015.

MAX VON SYDOW ZUMBA WORK OUT A SURPRISE HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Famous Swedish actor and star of films such as The Seventh Seal and Flash Gordon, Max Von Sydow has released a set of seven DVD comprising an entire course of Zumba that you can do from the comfort of your own home.

‘The routines are relatively gentle,’ said the Septuagenarian Sydow. ‘But you’ll be feeling the burn and having fun at the same time.’

The DVD sets have been flying off the shelves with Amazon reporting that its stock are almost completely exhausted. Industry expert Jackaly Parras said that Sydow’s appeal ‘is probably due to his work in Ingmar Bergman’s films. His presence – whether it’s the knight with a crisis of faith or the worried husband in Through a Glass Darkly –  is perfect preparation for presenting a new fitness fad based on South American rhythms and Colombian dance.’

Joe Pesci has announced that he is releasing a Pilates program that he has been developing for years.

‘Way before that oblong headed asshole even knew what a squat thrust was,’ said the very angry Pesci. 

POLL RESULTS: WHO SHOULD PLAY CHRISTIAN GREY IN THE 50 SHADES OF GREY MOVIE?

Ageing martial artists and ‘so crap its good’ postmodern ironic like icon, Chuck Norris would according to our esteemed readership make the best Christian Grey in the new Fifty Shades of Grey  film, beating out close contender Carey Mulligan.


The poll was carried out in response to the breaking news that Max Von Sydow had landed the role (for this story read HERE), news which later turned out to be a malicious invention  on the part of Max Von Sydow himself.  However, our readers voted in overwhelming numbers (over 40), and most of them were men who wished to sabotage the movie because they were heartily tired of women enjoying porn.

Max Von Sydow
  11 (26%)
 
Eli Wallach
  5 (11%)
 
Chuck Norris
  16 (38%)
 
Carey Mulligan
  13 (30%)
 


ON SET: THE EXORCIST

October 3rd, 1972 

Billy Friedkin told me over morning coffee that he wanted to add a masturbation scene to The Exorcist and what did I think about it. I said it might affect our chances of getting a PG rating and the studio would be against it, but if he thought it was necessary I’d back him thinking that a bit of controversy would get the press interested and we’d get plenty of free publicity.


He said he wanted the character of Regan to masturbate with a lit 12 inch black candle but I told him the insurance would never cover it. Not only would it be a potential fire hazard but solid wax is a bitch to get out of pubic hair.

He said fine and how about a King Cobra instead? I told him I liked the idea and we’d get no grief from the society for the humane treatment of animals because they only give a shit if you start shooting dogs or blowing up horses. I made a couple of calls and managed to procure one from a place called ‘The House of Venom’ based in the San Fernando Valley.

It was delivered to the set the next day and Friedkin said he wasn’t going to tell Linda Blair so he could catch her natural initial reaction on camera. As soon as Billy shouted action and the handler released the Cobra onto the bed, I knew we’d made a terrible mistake. We’d been assured the snake was placid but the God damn thing started hissing and spitting and Linda was petrified . I told Billy to stop rolling so we could get it back in the bag but he wouldn’t listen and kept on filming.

I didn’t know what the hell to do so I grabbed a fire extinguisher, pointed it at the snake and hit it with a jet of water but this seemed to piss the mean sonofabitch off and he reared up in front of Linda’s face ready to strike. I remember thinking we were going to have a big fat lawsuit on our hands if our 13 year old lead was killed by a King cobra doing a masturbation scene but before I could start mentally writing my resignation speech. Max Von Sydow appeared from nowhere, grabbed hold of the snake and bit it in half with a single savage bite.

Friedkin yelled cut and for a second I thought that Syndow had been in on it and this had been the plan all along. That notion was quickly dispelled when Max began chasing Billy around the room flailing the severed torso of the Cobra at him screaming “I wouldn’t take this s*it from Bergman and I’m not taking it from you Friedkin!

It took a while to calm Sydow down but when I thanked him later over drinks for saving the day, he said it was no big thing and that growing up in Sweden he’d bitten many animals in half in order to defend himself. Billy was on cloud nine saying it was the best footage he’d  ever shot and if that didn’t get him the Oscar, nothing would. I didn’t care I just wanted to get back to my hotel room and wash a couple of Valium down with a large scotch and fine cigar.

It had been one hell of shoot and I made a promise to myself there and then that I would never mix children and potentially lethal reptiles again. I never did keep that promise, but that’s another story for another day.


‘STEVE BUSCEMI IS WORLD’S SEXIEST MAN’ ESQUIRE

Hello ladies!

NEW YORK – The week after announcing the world’s sexiest woman – Mila Kunis (?) – Esquire have now declared the world’s sexiest man: Steve Buscemi.

Usually the editors would use a panel of women to decide on who to bestow the ‘World’s most prestigious honor’ but the results in the past have always left the male readership dissatisfied, disgruntled and overly pressured and so this year, in a break with tradition, the editor’s allowed a panel of male experts to vote. They took into account such factors as ‘Is he taller than me?’ and ‘Who do I think of to delay orgasm?’ and came up with a short list that included Robin Williams, Jack Black and Max Von Sydow.

Unlike ‘The World’s Sexiest Woman’ Mila Kunis, Buscemi will not be appearing on the cover, or doing a three minute black and white promo video looking sulky in a lacy bra. The news was announced at three o clock this morning and  it is believed Mr Buscemi will not be told.