KYLE CHANDLER SAYS NO TO FRIENDS REUNION

NEW YORK – Actor Kyle Chandler today gave an unambiguous no to the idea of a Friends reunion, making it now highly unlikely.

‘I’ll be there for you’ sang the famous theme tune to the hit 90s sitcom Friends, but star Kyle Chandler today announced that he would not be joining a reunion of those Friends any time soon. Chandler, who has been racking up an impressive CV with roles in The Wolf of Wall Street, Carol and the TV show Bloodline, was speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the Studio Exec New York penthouse offices/Denny’s in Manhattan.

Are you going to take part in the Friends reunion?

Friends? Are they having a reunion? Wow. But no, I don’t think I’d be involved. I mean, no one has even said anything. I haven’t heard anything from my agent so, I guess no would be the answer. What a strange question though!

But it won’t be the same without you. 

I’m flattered you should think so but I was never in Friends. I did do a lot of TV in the 90s, but alas never friends. I wish. You know those guys got paid pretty coin.

So this torpedoes the Friends reunion. How will Joey and Doug get along without Chandler?

Oh, wait. I think you’re confused. Chandler Bing was the character. My name’s Kyle Chandler. But ha! No relation.

The rest of the cast reacted with dismay, especially Matthew Perry who said that Chandler’s refusal was a ‘deal breaker’ and Courtney Cox openly wept on learning the news.

‘What am I going to do now?’ she said.

Kyle Chandler will not be seen in Friends in 2016.

STAR WARS 7 WILL FEATURE ORIGINAL FRIENDS CAST

LONDON – The first photograph of the new Star Wars: Episode 7 cast had several surprises in store, but perhaps no surprise greater than the inclusion of the entire cast from Friends: Matt LeBlanc, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

The cast alongside writer Lawrence Kasdan and director J.J. Abrams met for the first time in an IKEA warehouse outside London. Abrams said:

When I was growing up Star Wars was my inspiration, my pole star if you like. But in the 90s when I came of age so to speak, then it was Friends and the doings at the Central Perk that really informed me culturally. So we got talking with Kathleen [Kennedy] and I said why don’t we combine the two? Star Wars – the original films not the prequels – always had that vibe anyway. That ‘I’ll be there for you’ feeling if you like.

The photograph features from J.J. Abrams and working clockwise: Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, Peter Mayhew, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow, Ben Kingsley, Max Von Sydow, Anthony Daniels, Mark Hamill, Gollum, Llewyn Davis, John Boyega, David Schwimmer and Lawrence Kasdan. R2-D2 can also be seen in a restraining box.

For more Star Wars 7 News Click Here.

WE BOUGHT A DANISH ZOO: FIRST IMAGES

COPENHAGEN – Cameron Crowe has confirmed that We Bought a Danish Zoo will be his next film.

 The famous Almost Famous director said:

People know me as the warm hearted, life affirming comedy guy, but there is a darkness in me that no one has yet witnessed and this year it’s coming out.

The new film will star Chloe Grace Moretz, Scarlett Johansson and Matt Damon who on buying a zoo are confounded by the no nonsense European attitude to nature ‘red in tooth and claw’ compared to their own cloying sentimentality. Damon commented:

The zoo is failing when we buy it, but when one of the animals is accidentally eaten by a lion suddenly people come to visit. So we start to engineer other ‘accidents’ to increase the zoo’s popularity. Scarlett wanted to add a scene where we threw a few Palestinians in as well, but we nixed that as too ‘controversial’.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the piece will be Matthew Perry’s return to form as Per the comedy janitor. The Friends star admitted:

When I started on day one I was very nervous. I did my comedy Danish accent and everyone was like ‘No stop, it’s awful, really. Jesus Christ!’ and making dry retching noises. But I knew that was their way of encouraging me.

We Bought a Danish Zoo will be released in 2015, rated NC-17.

WALKING DEAD PREQUEL ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – AMC have confirmed that a prequel to their highly successful zombie series The Walking Dead will air on the channel in the Fall of 2016.

“We’re very excited to be opening a new chapter of The Walking Dead,” said AMC Spokesman Chip Woods.

We’ve got some of the best screenwriters in the business and Akiva Goldsman working on the scripts and judging by what they’ve already delivered. I can safely say this spin-off is going to blow peoples minds.

Tentatively titled The Walking Friends, Wood’s revealed the prequel will focus on a group of New Yorkers in their 40s who live in the same apartment building and congregate around a local coffee shop called the Perk Central.
It will be much more light-hearted and comical than the original series. Sure there is a vast audience that enjoys spending their evening watching old men getting decapitated and children being devoured but we aim to target the more squeamish market. We had a lot of options for a prequel because things were fairly normal before the virus struck but rather than take a risk, we decided on a tried and tested sitcom format.
Recent rumors have named Matt Le Blanc, Matthew Perry, Lisa Kudrow, Courtney Cox and David Schwimmer as potential cast members but Walking Dead fans have been expressing outrage on social media that the one obvious candidate doesn’t seem to be in the running.

I know a lot of the fans are disappointed that Norman Reedus won’t be part of the show but he’s committed to his role in the flagship series. However, I can exclusively reveal right now that Denise Richards will play one of our leading ladies, Raquel, which I’ll think you’ll agree more than compensates for Norman’s absence.

The Walking Friends is due for release later in 2016.   

POLL RESULTS ON NEW FRIENDS FILM ‘INCONCLUSIVE’

Poll results

We asked:

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NEW ‘FRIENDS’ FILM?

Our resident pollster Jiminey Croquet has been studying the results and his conclusion is pretty clear: ‘No one gives a shit about the Friends film. Many people even think you’re perhaps making this shit up.’
Several people didn’t even know who Matthew Perry was, but this could have been because he had been named un-famous earlier last week.

FRIENDS MOVIE TO BEGIN FILMING THIS MONTH

NEW YORK – The long awaited motion picture of the popular nineties sit-com Friends looks like it is going to finally become a reality.

Tentatively titled Friends: Why Not? – the film will see the reuniting of Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica and David Schwimmer in their New York apartments and their beloved Central Perk coffee shop. David Simon of The Wire was brought in to do rewrites of the script.

‘It’s going to be a lot darker,’ he said. ‘The characters are all failures as they pass through middle age. And that’s funny because the actors’ own lives mirror that.’

What changes did you make?

I don’t think I wanted to make any because it has such a winning formula and who’s gonna mess with that, right? But the original cast have changed and so we have to write material which deals with the look of wretched disappointment etched into their faces. So do we have drug addiction? Yes, we do. 

Anal sex?

A bit.

The news comes as a relief to Matthew Perry who only last week was officially announced as being ‘no longer famous’ (for that story CLICK HERE). But other cast members have also expressed relief at being given another chance to be noticed as something other than a bit role in a gross out comedy. Jennifer Aniston said, ‘We’re all really excited about this opportunity. It’s going to be like old times. Next thing I’ll be going out with Brad Pitt again.’ She burst out laughing, which slowly became sobbing.

Friends: Why Not? will be released in 2016.

MATTHEW PERRY: NO LONGER FAMOUS

NEW YORK – It was announced today that Matthew Perry, the star of the hit nineties sit-com Friends was no longer to be considered famous.

Mr. Perry, who came to prominence as the ‘witty’ friend Chandler of the hit comedy, had found transition to the big screen difficult. His first film was the moderately successful comedy The Whole Nine Yards, followed by a sequel. Since then Chandler (as he insists on being known) has appeared in the ill-fated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and bits parts in other series.
A relaxed Mr. Perry said that the official announcement had come as a shock. ‘I didn’t know they actually flat out declared those things,’ he said, laughing away the tears. But he is not at all downhearted.

‘There are definite advantages,’ he said. ‘No one stops you in the street and the price of cocaine goes down dramatically. I’m joking, of course.’