CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

AMY SCHUMER BARBIE MOVIE IS NOT A STUDIO EXEC STORY

HOLLYWOOD – The story that Amy Schumer is to star in a Barbie movie is not a parody story written by us.

Amy Schumer is actually supposed to be appearing in a live action movie based on the Barbie Doll. This is a real thing and not something that we put out for shits and giggles. Hollywood’s gone so far beyond parody, the best we can do it stand still and hope they lap us. The Sony movie will feature Schumer in the role of the Mattel doll which has done so much for body image over the decades. In a way, we have to look on in admiration as Hollywood consistently comes up with ideas that we would have dismissed as too far out for us. Then again we could be wrong. The Lego Movie looked like a joke, but it turned out to be a really funny one. And intentionally too. So who’s to say?

Not us.

Barbie is set to be released in 2018.

STANLEY KUBRICK

ENGLAND -The first time I met Stanley Kubrick I was walking down a corridor at Shepperton and I saw the Master approaching from the coffee machine. ‘Hello, Mr. Kubrick,’ I said.

‘Come again.’ ‘Hi,’ I said. ‘One more time,’ he changed angle. ‘Good morning?’ I said. ‘Again.’ – The bastard kept me at it for another 59 takes and in the end he used the first one.

This was to be my relationship with the Stanley-oid, as he loved his friends to call him. It was close, intense, fiery and highly competitive. George C. Scott had already warned me that Stanley was a great chess player and had trounced him (and Scotty is no slouch) all the way through the making of Dr Strangelove.

Of course, I was not much good at the game but I knew I had somehow to keep in hand while we were making the 90 minute caper film The Silly Irish Sausage for Warners. So I brought along a game I knew he couldn’t resist Ker-Plunk. What I didn’t know was just how seriously Stan the man, would fall for the game even ringing Mattel and getting them to send over their best Ker-Plunk designer to talk about a movie version. Again and again we played while vital decisions about the progress of the film were often offered up as bets on the outcome.

And that is how The Silly Irish Sausage became Barry Lyndon

(This extract was taken from the forthcoming book Lunches with Assholes: How Films Get Made due out for Xmas