ANYA TAYLOR JOY FARTED AT VENICE

‘BREAKING’ NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal how Anya Taylor Joy farted while attending the Venice Film Festival red carpet events. It happened at the build up to the premiere of her new film, directed by Edgar Wright, Last Night In Soho. Anya Taylor Joy farted as co-star Matt Smith walked the red carpet with her.


Anya Taylor Joy Farted – Not Living Deliciously

The star could be heard pumping out the farts through her bright pink Dior designed dress as she strode up the red carpet. Paparazzi were kept well back from the star, which was a good thing. Matt Smith who co-starred with Anya in Last Night In Soho, could be seen mouthing the words ‘Jesus fucking Christ! Who dropped their guts? Anya?’ as he greeted her at the glitzy event. The ex-Dr Who actor was seen gagging repeatedly, as he walked beside the flatulent star.

Where’s The Shitter?

The two met up with the Shaun Of The Dead director, Edgar Wright who could be seen holding his nose. Initially, he pointed at Matt Smith, who shook his head in disgust and pointed at his glamorous co-star. She looked at Edgar and said with no shame, ‘Yeah, that was me, Eddie my boy. I can’t help it. I was drinking Guinness last night and then went for a curry. My guts are playing havoc with me today and I’ve had the squirts four times already. Where’s the shitter? Because I gotta to go again.’

Funyuns And Chess

Throughout the entire film Anya sat at the back of the theatre. She ate Funyuns, only stopping occasionally to raise a leg and force a trump. Then she shouted out chess moves at the end of each loud and noxious fart. ‘Knight takes Pawn. Hooray! And ‘I’m Castling my Kasparov!’ The film ended and the polite audience rose to its feet to applaud. She swaggered menacingly down the aisle, throwing Funyuns like confetti as she went.

French Flatulist Film

Anya announced at the Q&A afterwards her next role will be in an all-female biopic. The story of the French Flatulist, Joseph Pujol, better known as Le Petomane, who rose to fame as a professional farter. She is being coached by Daniel Day-Lewis, who is also a keen flatulist. It will be called Gaslighting.

Last Night In Soho Is Released In Cinemas In October

CLAIRE FOY ORDERS MATT SMITH EXECUTED

LONDON – The Crown’s Claire Foy has ordered that co-star Matt Smith have his head chopped off.

Following the revelation that Matt Smith got more money than her for appearing in the Netflix serial The Crown, Claire Foy has ordered the actor arrested on high treason: a charge which still carries the death penalty. Taking a leaf out of Henry the VIII’s book she wants to see her royal consort shortened by a head as a way of assuaging her displeasure.

One has heard with some distress that the monarch of The Crown has been treated in a despicable manner by the Colonialist Broadcasting company known as Netflix. As they for the moment stand outside of the range of our contempt, the fury of the realm shall be thrown with all the might at our disposal on the unhappy head of the former Doctor Who.

Although initially seen as a joke, legal experts actually uncovered a bylaw in the Magna Carta which states:

Any who Acteth the PART of the MONARCH shall also verily wield the SCEPTRE and POTENCY of the MONARCH.

In accord with ancient precedent Smith has been conveyed to the Tower where he awaits execution. Having played Prince Phillip he will have the privilege of being decapitated with a sword rather than the blunt ax reserved for commoners.

Season 3 of The Crown will show in the Fall.

NETFLIX SERIES THE CROWN ‘MADE WITH THE BLOOD OF POOR PEOPLE’

LONDON – New Netflix TV show The Crown, which purports to show the life of Queen Elizabeth II of England, was made entirely with the blood of poor people.

Based on the hit play The Audience by Peter Morgan, The Crown tells the story of Queen Elizabeth II’s early reign. The Hours director Stephen Daldry explained EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec the extraordinary process by which the show came to be made.

Everybody knows that the English Royal Family is extremely tied to its traditions and rituals. We wanted this show to be as authentic to their reality as it was possible for us to be and so we researched deeply and we found out that they have been sustaining themselves by regularly imbibing the red blood of the lower classes. At first when peter told me about this, I assumed it was some ghastly socialist metaphor but it turned out to be literally true and so there was nothing for it but to hire some poor people and use their blood.

You mean you drank…

Claire Foy who plays the young Elizabeth would drink about a quart a day for three months up until and during the shoot. Matt Smith, playing her Greek husband Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh, mixed his with vodka. John Lithgow plays Winston Churchill and he decided that he wouldn’t partake but he was allowed to occasionally shoot a live gun at poor people as they ran away.

But isn’t this all very illegal.

That’s the thing. Because we were telling the story of the British crown we were granted a royal prerogative which basically allows you to get away with murder. And I mean that quite literally. I can put my hand on my heart and say that there is nothing in this show that could have been done if we weren’t all regularly downing huge brimming beakers of what the crew began to call ‘crimson ale’.

The Crown will premiere later in 2016.