matt damon Archives -

MARK WAHLBERG HALLOW APP BOUGHT BY AMAZON

BREAKING NEWS – Bezo’s bookstore bankrupting company, Amazon have purchased the Mark Wahlberg Hallow app from the Catholic Church for an undisclosed sum. The Christian based app will now come as an additional perk for those who have Amazon Prime membership. Soon Prime subscribers will be able to pray online for Mark Wahlberg’s numerous racially aggravated assaults to be forgiven. We caught up with the hard hitting, hard praying star for his feelings on this acquisition.

How Do You Feel About the Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Being Bought By Amazon?

I’m so buzzed for it man, praise the lord. I’ve seen the light, and the color of that light is green. All the way to the bank baby, praise be. I want everyone to drop to their knees, like good god fearing, penitent consumers and download the mother fuck out that app. Then get praying for my forgiveness for those trivial little racially charged beatings I dished out. Only 99cents per pray. Can I get an amen?

Do You Not Feel Monetizing People’s Faith Is Cynical?

The Vatican literally has a bank, you dumb mother fucker. If the church just gave up all its wealth to help the poor, needy and starving, what would happen to the holy bankers? What would happen to the ordained actuaries and the reverend risk managers? I think you’ve been hitting the blood of Christ a bit hard. You know what I’m saying?

Do You Ever Think This Might Harm Your Acting Career?

Let’s face facts man. I was in a Martin Scorsese Best Picture Oscar winner with The Departed. I told Martin Sheen, Leonardo DiCaprio AND Matt Damon to go fuck themselves. And you know what, I was ok in it. It aint ever gonna get better than that. I know what I am and I know I peaked back then. And I peaked the fuck out of it baby. So I’ll make this slushy religious garbage because those suckers can’t invest their god-given money quick enough.

The Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Is Available To Download

MATT DAMON STOPPED SHITTING IN PUBLIC

BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.

So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?

I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.

How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.

Jesus.

You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!

Stillwater is currently in theatres.

MATT DAMON ATE PANDA MEAT

The Studio Exec breaks the shocking news Matt Damon ate Panda meat. The Ocean’s 13 star Matt Damon ate panda meat first while filming the action fantasy The Great Wall in China, and he doesn’t care who knows it.

We spoke to Matt recently while he publicized his upcoming all action construction-based TV blockbuster show, The Bourne Condominium.

Matt, tell us what The Bourne Condominium will be about?

It’s like this see, Jason Bourne has finally retired from all that spy shit and running about. He’s made his money and decides to build his dream condo. It has everything you could want. It’s the fucking tits, the cat’s ass. It has a hot tub, panda grill, walk-in wardrobe, under floor heating and an outdoor Tiki bar. So he starts off by buying the land-

Just one second Matt. What did you say?

Whassup?

Did you say, Panda grill?

Uh-huh. Sure.

Is Panda Grill a company name?

No man. It’s part of my cooker. The part I use to grill my Panda meat.

Are you telling us that Matt Damon ate Pandas?

Why does everyone always ask me that question with that look on their face? Look, it’s perfectly simple. When I was filming The Great Wall in China, I was given a VIP tour of a Panda sanctuary. I hadn’t had my Golden Grahams or Fruit Loops that morning and I was starving. The head keeper started telling me about how they feed them on bamboo and sugar cane. That got me thinking, if they eat all that sugar cane, their meat must be really sweet and tender. I’m salivating now just saying it.

What happened after that?

I asked the keeper of I could have something to eat, I gave him a wink and he knew what I meant. One AK-47 and a good panda grill later, I was eating like a king. So now, I gotta guy down in Florida who scores me top grade Panda meat. All my friends love it. George, Brad, Kristen and even Gwynny. They love nothing more than coming over for a good grill-up.

(L to R) Matt, George and Brad – Meat Heads

Do they know they’re eating butchered endangered species?

Umm, yeah, why not? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it to them. Once, maybe. Who knows? Look, if you get invited over to someone’s home for dinner and they go to the effort of illegally importing endangered species meat, then it would be a bit rude to start asking questions about it. It ain’t easy cooking Panda y’know. If it’s too rare, it’s all rubbery. Cook it for too long and it’s like shoe leather. You got to have it medium-rare. Mmm, pandalicious.

Ok, I think we’re done here. Thank you for your time Matt.

No worries man. You hungry? You can stay for dinner, if you want.

Umm, yeah alright then.

MARVEL ANNOUNCE BEN AFFLECK TO RETURN AS DAREDEVIL

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck is to return to the role as Daredevil, Marvel announced today.

The Town and Argo star Ben Affleck is to return to superhero movies. No, not as Batman you fricking idiots. As Daredevil, Marvel’s blind superhero he already played in the 2003 movie. That performance saw him nominated for an oscar and received nothing but praise all around the world. And then he went to DC and fricked it all up with his fricking Batman that everyone saw and hated. Personally, I liked his Batman performance. The films were tripe in a toilet bowl but that wasn’t his fault.

Now Netflix have canceled their Daredevil, Marvel wasted no time in phoning up the Studio Exec and spilling the juicy deets. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

Phone call between Studio Exec and Marvel, December 1st, 2018.

Marvel: Hey, Exec.

Studio Exec: Who is this?

M: This is Marvel.

SE: Oh, hi Marvel, how you doing?

M: So we got Affleck.

SE: No way. Wait, what for?

M: He’s coming back as Daredevil.

SE: How’s that work? Isn’t he too old?

M: No way he’s perfect. He’s got that sadness going for him now. And everyone is ready to see something a bit more mature and deep. We’re going to Logan the motherfucka! It’s gonna be dignified and tragic. A subtle exploration of the human spirit overcoming adversity. I said, Ben, it’ll be your most autobiographical film to date.

SE: That’s fricking harsh.

M: He loves it. You know Ben. Plus we’ll get Jen to come back as Electra and Matt Damon as Foggy.

SE: Sounds like you got a plan.

M: Yeah. Okay but keep it close to your chest huh, SE! We want this to be filmed like totally in secret and then we’ll boom drop it during the superbowl. Netflix those motherfuckas at their own game. BOOM! Again.

Old Daredevil will be released during the Superbowl, 2019.

DOWNSIZING – REVIEW

DOWNSIZING – REVIEW – Jason Bourne is shrunk and it’s almost funny.

Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is shrunk as a way of saving the planet and also ensuring he has a more economically comfortable lifestyle. This impossible idea of saving the planet – no sacrifices, no pain – is a fantasy that a better satirist than Alexander Payne would have made into a nightmare. As it is there are some laughs and much fumbled social commentary – the latter due to a strange romance between Bourne and a Vietnamese political dissident played by Hong Chau.

The film is one of those oddities that might prove some kind of cult in the future. There really are some quite mad ideas and some great jokes. But despite having been in development for a long time, the final product is messy and occasionally feels random.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

JESSE PLEMONS ON BOARD FOR GOOD MATT DAMON HUNTING

HOLLYWOOD – Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad star Jesse Plemons has signed on to play Matt Damon.

Jesse Plemons to star in the upcoming Gus Van Sant film Good Matt Damon Hunting, documenting the behind the scenes tensions which launched Matt Damon’s career.

Plemons spoke of his approach to the role EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

Throughout my career people have said to me that I resemble Damon. Add to this the fact I’ve studied Damon. I watch what he does in Ocean’s 13 and I take notes. I study The Informant! and he blows me away. So to go back to where it all began is almost like an actor’s pilgrimage for me.

Gus Van Sant, who directed the 1997 drama from a script by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, commented:

My career has always been one for the studio, one for me. Good Will Hunting despite being my most critically and commercially successful film was for the studio. And so is this one.

What insight can we expect to see into the making of a modern day classic?

None. None whatsoever. What insight did you want?

Kenneth Branagh will be play the role of Robin Williams and Chris Pine is currently in talks to take on the Ben Affleck role, scotching rumors that Affleck would appear as himself following huge internet backlash.

Good Matt Damon Hunting will be released in 2020.

THE ARTIST REMAKE WILL BE IN COLOR AND A TALKIE SAYS DIRECTOR KEVIN COSTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Costner to remake 2011 Oscar winning comedy The Artist in color and sound.

The Artist is a lovingly recreated pastiche of the silent movie era. Written, directed, and co-edited by Michel Hazanavicius and starring Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo, the original film won hearts and awards and then sunk without trace never to be seen again. No one watched The Artist after 2012.

Kevin Costner however has decided to direct a remake, starring Matt Damon and Alicia Vikander.

We want to make the film because it was a very funny movie about making movies and there aren’t enough funny films about making movies.

But you’re making it in color?

Yes, exactly. When I saw the film originally I thought there was something up with my television. First of all, it was in black and white. I tried to adjust my set. I went through all the menus but it made no difference. Then someone told me that was how it was supposed to be. Oh and the volume on my television also didn’t seem to work.

But it is supposed to be silent.

Yes, well, that’s stupid. Who wants to go and see a silent black and white movie? This film remember won loads of awards. Tons. Just imagine how many awards our remake is going to win when everyone sees that it is in color and we can actually hear the characters speak!

It’s supposed to be a tribute to the great movies of the Twenties! A loving recreation of the golden age of cinema!

Yeah. Screw all that. I made Dances with Wolves. Was it in black and white? No! Could you hear me speak when I spoke? Yes! So there.

The Artist will be released in 2020.

MATT DAMON: ‘WE DON’T TALK ENOUGH ABOUT MEN WHO ARE NOT MATT DAMON’

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon pleaded today for people to talk about men who are not Matt Damon.

In an interview with The Business Insider, Matt Damon made an impassioned plea for the conversation to include people ‘who are not Matt Damon’.

He said:

I think we’ve reached a watershed moment. I don’t really know what that means. Is it really a building which holds water? How does that work? What if someone opens the window? Wait, back to what I was saying. The point is with the #MeToo movement and all that, a lot of the conversation has been about Matt Damon. Women quite rightly have condemned Matt Damon for his cloth-eared interventions. But I think Matt Damon exists on a spectrum. There’s the Matt Damon that gives these stupid interviews. And then on the other end of the spectrum there’s the Matt Damon who appeared in Hereafter and We Bought a Zoo. You can’t compare We Bought a Zoo to rape. Can you?

But going back to women, what…

Dustin Hoffman isn’t Matt Damon and neither is Louis CK, who I love. I mean not the tugging-himself-off-in-front-of-women Louis, unless he’s doing it really, and I mean really ironically. Harvey Weinstein isn’t Damon and Ben Affleck isn’t… well actually he kind of is.

But Rose McGowan yesterday…

Why is the media so obsessed with Matt Damon? That’s what I want to know. It’s like they want to thrust him into the middle of the conversation. Again and again.

Matt Damon will next be appearing in We Bought Another Zoo.

5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

Nedry, JURASSIC PARK.

Winner: Wayne Knight. | Loser: Andy Dick.

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.

Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY.

Winner: Matt Damon. | Loser: Gary Busey.

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.

Bruce Wayne, BATMAN.

Winner: Michael Keaton. | Loser: Johnny Depp.

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.

Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER.

Winner: Angelina Jolie. | Loser: Jennifer Aniston.

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.

Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

Winner: Andy Serkis. | Loser: Clint Howard.

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here.

MATT DAMON SHRUNK

VENICE – Matt Damon has been shrunk to the size of seven inches.

Good Will Hunting and Saving Private Ryan star Matt Damon has been shrunk from a height of five foot eight to just seven inches. The shrinkage occurred on the set of his new film Downsizing directed by Alexander Payne. We caught up with him at the Venice Film Festival where the star told us about the mishap.

When you do a film you know there are going to be some risks involved. In this film I play a man who agrees to be shrunk in order to do his bit to save the environment. I assumed that Alexander would be using forced perspective or getting the CGI boys to lend a hand. Peter Jackson could have given him some advice. But it turned out that he wanted it to be as real as possible and he got this cellular shrinkage treatment from Norway. Next thing you know it’s goodbye Matt Damon: hello Mini Damon.

So this is irreversible?

The good news is I can still do films but we’ll have to use a lot of forced perspective in reverse. But yeah. It is going to take a lot of getting used to. I just hope that bastard Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t find out about it. He’ll squash me like a bug.

Downsizing will be released in 2017.

VENICE DIARY DAY 1

VENICE – The 74th Venice Film Festival is underway.

Day One of the Venice Film Festival and the sound of hammers striking wood and the smell of fresh paint is everywhere on the Lido. The place looks a lot better. The Lovecraftian hole that had been a feature of the festival for the last few years has been filled in. The toxic materials have been transported to Austria where even now Michael Haneke is transforming them into what he likes to call ‘comedy’.

The next ten days have a lot to recommend them but here are some highlights.

George Clooney will be directing a movie with Matt Damon called ‘It’s Not Monument Men’
Alexander Payne has a new film with Matt Damon called ‘It’s Not the Informant’
Darren Aronofsky has come out of retirement with a film that radically doesn’t star Matt Damon
There’ll be a film from Denmark that will be brilliant but no one will ever see outside of the festival and Denmark

For more on the Venice Film Festival, come right back here.

5 REASONS WHY THE GREAT WALL FLOPPED AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – Why did Matt Damon’s new film The Great Wall flop at the Box Office?

We sent our FACT squad to find out why The Great Wall flopped.

1 People who hate Donald Trump don’t want to see a film with Wall in the title.

2 People who love Donald Trump don’t want to see a film about China.

3 People who love Jimmy Kimmel don’t want to see Matt Damon doing anything.

4 People who love Matt Damon don’t exist.

5 Racism

For more FACTS click HERE.

JACK REACHER 3 WILL FEATURE JASON BOURNE

HOLLYWOOD – First look at the final film in the Jack Reacher trilogy with a surprise franchise crossover.

Tom Cruise today released the first poster for Jack Reacher 3, which debuted an older looking Jason Bourne. Cruise spoke briefly with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We decided to go in a totally new direction with Reacher in order to close off the trilogy. We’re taking Wanted Man, the novel by Lee Child but we’re adapting it quite freely. Jack has become tired of the wandering life and has bought a farm along with Jason Bourne and the chick from Lucy. What was her name? Anyway, they get into all sorts of hilarious japes with the animals, especially Tony the flatulent giraffe. Then of course some Ukrainian gangsters show up. I don’t want to spoil it so I’ll leave it there. But I think this will be a great way of closing the chapter on Jack Reacher.

That’s amazing!

I’m so excited to try comedy. I don’t think I’ve ever done it.

You had a cameo in Tropic Thunder.

Was that me?

Jack Reacher Buys a Zoo will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRANGELINA

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news of the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, we ask what do we really know about Brangelina?

The Studio Exec has delved into the laundry basket of public opinion once more, to uncover the true FACTS about Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. AKA Brangelina.

1 Brangelina are actually two people: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt. Not one person.

2 The name is the conflation of their two first names: Brad and Angelina. By taking the first two/three letters of Brad and morphing them with all or all but one of the letters of Angelina, you get Brangelina though it is still a matter of much debate who the ‘a’ belongs to.

3 They originally got together while filming Mr and Mrs Smith. A film about a couple who unbeknownst to each other are actually assassins who rekindle their marriage by trying to kill each other. I’m not saying anything but the answer might be right in front of your faces.

4 Brangelina does not include George Clooney, although George Clooney does make up one third of Geoddatt, the triumvirate of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. This trio have not captured the imaginations to the same extent.

5 Jennifer Aniston is a woman who is getting on with her life and has been doing so quite happily for years, but is undoubtedly delighted to be a meme once more.