RUSSIANS HAVE WEAPONIZED MATRIX RELOADED

MOSCOW – Intelligent sources accuse the Russian government of weaponizing Matrix Reloaded.

For years the second Matrix film – Matrix Reloaded – was just a bad memory but now it seems that the Russian secret service have succeeded in weaponizing the film. An NSA source spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

What has happened is in some of the darker reaches of the Russian spy agency, Matrix Reloaded has been turned into a weapon. The nerve agent is reverse engineered from the feeling the biggest Matrix fan got when sitting in the cinema for the first forty minutes of Matrix Reloaded. That feeling of excitement and enthusiasm gradually curdling into a a sense of having ashes in your mouth and a lump of mould where your heart used to be has been isolated and can now be reproduced chemically.

Jesus Christ.

I know. They’ve been trying something similar in North Korea with Attack of the Clones, but people already knew what to expect. And phantom Menace doesn’t quite work because there was always the Duel of the Fates music and the Pod Race to latch onto.

Is there a danger that the Russians might launch an attack?

There’s a very really possibility that they already did in 2017. Don’t you remember how you just felt joyless all the time?

I guess.

And for some reason couldn’t stop thinking about how Laurence Fishburne has put on a lot of weight?

Good God!

You see?

Matrix Reloaded will be buried in a vault in a deep deep mountain.

ELON MUSK SAYS WE’RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX, BUT NOT THE MATRIX RELOADED

HOLLYWOOD – Entrepreneur and battery salesman Elon Musk today announced that we are almost definitely living in The Matrix but added not The Matrix Reloaded to everyone’s relief.

The founder of Tesla and SpaceX Elon Musk speaking at  Recode’s Code Conference yesterday announced that we are almost definitely living in a simulation.

If you think of how far video game technology has gone in the past thirty years. We’ve basically gone from Pong to VR and soon that VR will be indistinguishable from reality, which begs the question how do we know that we are not already in some simulation, designed by beings who are far more advanced than we think we are. And the weird thing is they don’t have to be aliens or anything like that, because the word ‘alien’ assumes we’re living in a certain place and there are other places outside this place, whereas if we are living in a simulation all those concepts are up for grabs. We could be the designers of our own VR simulations and one of the realistic features of the VR universe where we are currently living is that we block our memory of the non VR universe, in order to make this one seem even more real. So we’re basically in The Matrix, but with a better color scheme. If you think about it the Matrix was always green which was a dead giveaway. But we are definitely not in The Matrix Reloaded, because frankly this world is much better than that pile of steaming horse plop. Now why am I saying this, other than the obvious reason that I’m Elon Musk and that’s kind of my schtick? Well, if you remember the original film, we weren’t willingly participants, we were in fact being exploited as a power sources for the machines.

Batteries!

You got it Exec. And what do I make?

Batteries!

You see? I can’t promise anything but if I make really good batteries maybe our mission will be complete and we can see what the real universe looks like.

But how would we know it is the real universe?

Exec! Mind. Blown.

Elon Musk will be appearing in your nightmares.

 

FEMA OPENS 3000 FORCE AWAKENS RECOVERY CENTERS

WASHINGTON – 3000 recovery centers have been established by FEMA to deal with the opening of Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (or FEMA as it prefers to be known) has set up over 3000 recovery centers across the USA to deal with what it describes as ‘a post- Force Awakens emergency’.

A spokesperson for the Agency, Max Rangent, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We foresee that come December the 19th there might be a lot of people who need us. These facilities will be equipped with counselors and psychiatrists who have been trained to tend to those who are disappointed and potentially suicidal.

Do you think the film is going to be bad?

No, not all. But what would you rather? The film is great and we’ve set these tents up to no purpose, or the film is terrible and there is no one hand to talk the fan base down from the ledge? Think of it. All those kids dressed up like Jawas, all those grown men, all those adults who are nuts for the Force and spend their weekends attending barbecues dressed as Stormtroopers. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when they realize halfway through that the film they’re watching is only marginally better than Super 8, or Star Trek into Darkness.

I see your point.

Also imagine what would happen if the film wasn’t bad as such but just disappointingly mediocre. Not so much Phantom Menace as Matrix Reloaded.

Matrix Reload was absolute…

Okay, Matrix Revolutions.  The deflation from such an intense hype that has been going on for the past year and a half would be so great that the human body might simply pop, like a big tired blood balloon.

F*ck!

I know. We’ll have supplies of the original trilogy, and the Lord of the Rings to soften the blow. We might even try to ween a few of them onto something softer like Star Trek. Something where they can get used to years of intense disappointment.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released next week.

THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING

HOLLYWOOD – Having pushed the release date of the new Wachowski Siblings feature Jupiter Ascending seven months from July to February, 2015, Warner Bros announced today that it had never heard of the Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum Science Fiction action film.

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