OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

MARY POPPINS RETURNS: PEOPLE STILL SHOCKED THAT DISNEY MAKE SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – In news that totally blindsided the internet yesterday it was announced that beloved Disney classic Mary Poppins would have a sequel, provisionally entitled Mary Poppins Returns.

It came out of a blue sky, a missile with an umbrella and a big bag full of an unbelievable amount of consternation. Mary Poppins Returns is actually going to happen and people lost their shit! Across Social Media the keening sound that Arab women make when mourning could be heard echoing across old London town. ‘It’s unbelievable,’ one irate blogger wrote.

How can Disney do this? Everyone knows that Mary Poppins is a unique story beloved of generations. Why ruin everything with an unnecessary, money grabbing sequel?

The shock was felt all the more keenly because Disney have never done such a thing in the past. Of course, there has been Aladdin 2: Jafar’s Revenge, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, The Rescuers Down Under, The Lion King 1 and a half, The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, Bambi 2, Tarzan and Jane, Pocahontas 2: Journey to the New World,  The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, Cinderella 2 and 3, 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure, The Fox and the Hound 2, Kronk’s New Groove and so on. And that’s not to mention the Pixar sequels and Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so on and so forth. And it can’t be done well obviously as was proven by the recent live action remake of The Jungle Book which was critically lambasted oops sorry lauded. Of course, what really hurts is that this is taking a property from the writer PL Travers (played by Emma Thompson) that was unique and special and one of a kind. Along with the other seven books that she wrote in the series!

Emily Blunt will play Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins Returns will be released in December, 2018.

 

MARY POPPINS V NANNY MCPHEE GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Emma Thompson and Emily Blunt are both onboard for the new Disney mash up McPhee V Poppins.

The new super Nanny mash up is on with Emma Thompson and Emily Blunt going head to head in a childcare smack down McPhee V Poppins, which pits the two care providers against each other to save Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe.

Director Zach Snyder spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Basically Nanny McPhee and Mary Poppins exist in the same P.L. Travers universe and so it was only a matter of time before we got the two together. I thought of the idea when I was talking to Kevin Smith and we were on acid and watching Mary Poppins and a Nanny McPhee marathon, including the sequel that no one actually watched.

So what’s the story?

Well, essentially, Mary Poppins leaves the children – Dan and Emma – and Nanny McPhee turns up and tries to dance with penguins and chimney sweeps and the like. Basically stealing Mary Poppins ideas and Mary Poppins as you can imagine is none too pleased. But they have to join forces to defeat Elijah Wood.

Elijah Wood?

Shut up.

McPhee V Poppins will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

NEW VERSION OF MARY POPPINS ‘NOT RACIST’

 

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have defended their re-release of Mary Poppins after it has emerged that the new version includes lost footage, notably the musical number ‘Send Paddy Back’, which many contest is a blatantly racist ditty.
In a breezy press release, the Mouse House put to rest any accusations of condoning the persecution of minorities by jaunty upbeat musical interludes: 

Disney are proud to announce a special anniversary edition of your favorite musical (about a cunning witch pretending to be a nanny) which includes never seen before content and NEW songs! 

Fans will delight in the new musical number ‘Send Paddy Home’ in which Mary rallies the recently radicalized chimney sweeps of London to defend their jobs against ‘Potato Paddy’ and his chums ‘The Manky Micks’. 

Marvel as Mary and the children Jane and Michael ingest  their special ‘sugar medicine’ and lead the charge against the foul gang of scroungers of London’s underclass in a rabble rousing carnival of melody and psychedelic choreography. 
This groundbreaking new cut also includes an all new character from the original script which could not be released due to the technical constraints of the time. ‘Bulldog Barry’ (played by Andy Serkis) is a half man/half bulldog creature who plays cards in the back alleys and who comes to Mary’s aid in an opium den as she tries to evict the Chinese population from the area during the catchy number ‘Blow Ye East and return Ye Not’

Mary Poppins: Defender of England edition will be released this Christmas.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JON HAMM

HOLLYWOOD – Jon Hamm used to be Don Draper, but Don Draper wasn’t really Don Draper so what do we really know about John Hamm?

The Studio Exec FACT Squad drank themselves to death finding out.
1. In order to disguise himself when booking into French hotels. John Hamm uses the pseudonym Jean Jambon.

2. Prior to auditioning for the role of Superman in Zack Snyder’s upcoming Man of Steel. Jon spent a year on Krypton learning to fly, leap tall buildings in a single bound and run faster than a speeding bullet. Unfortunately he was unable to master heat vision which gave producers no alternative but to turn him down.
3. Jon was a waiter in L.A. prior to finding work as an actor. During this period he says his biggest claim to fame was Annette Bening throwing up chicken chasseur all over his shoes.

4. He is such a big fan of Mary Poppins he spent three years impersonating Dick Van Dyke and sleeping with his friends’ nannies. This came to an end when in 1998 he was arrested in Trafalgar square for jumping on a street artist’s chalk drawing and breaking his finger.
5. Due to the excessive cigarette and alcohol consumption of his Mad Men character Don Draper. Jon has had two liver transplants in six years and is currently waiting on an 18 year old Tongan boy to succumb to his injuries so he can have his lungs.
For more FACTS click HERE.