Marvel Archives -

BEST ATTENDANCE RECORD OSCAR ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from The Academy’s recent announcement of a new Fan Favorite Oscar, they have announced a new Best Attendance Record Oscar category. With the introduction of the new Best Attendance Record Oscar, this will be the start of a policy where ‘nobody goes away empty handed’. The Exec spoke with Academy President, David Rubin about the new announcement.

What Is The Thinking Behind This Best Attendance Record Oscar?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Many of the grown-ups at The Academy sat down to have a good long think about how we can make everybody happy at the same time. At first we came up with the Fan Favorite Oscar to make sure all the Marvel stans got their moment in the sun. But then we realized that will only apply to Marvel’s movies that were out in the past year. And that children, is what we call a problem. How could we fix it? Do you have any ideas? Put your hands up if you think you know.

Was That When You Came Up With-

I said put your hands up. I can sit here and wait just as long as you. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

Was That When You Came Up With This New Oscar?

Yes. And thank you for putting up your hand. We want to make sure all the children – sorry – members of the Academy go away feeling they’re as valued as the actual winners. The Academy will award the member who as appeared and voted most times at the awards over a rolling five year period. We’re also going to give everyone party bags. We’ll make sure everybody gets a slice of cake, some candy and a few toys to play with before bedtime.

What Do You Say To Those Who Accuse The Academy Of Dumbing Down?

I’d tell them to go sit in the quiet corner and think about how unkind they’re being. Once they’ve had a good think, they can come over here and read out their apology essay to the whole class.

The Oscars Take Place On March 27th.

MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS

THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

LETITIA WRIGHT FLAT EARTH MOVIE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.

Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project

Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.

Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?

No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.

Are You Feeling Ok?

That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.

Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?

I’m in it, you piece of shit.

Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon

PAW PATROL SAVES CINEMA

MOVIE NEWS – With box office numbers published for last week, it is safe to say PAW Patrol saves cinema. With no other major releases on either side of the Atlantic or around the world, a surge of devotees to the franchise have flocked to multiplexes ensuring PAW Patrol saves cinema for the rest of us.

PAW Patrol Saves Cinema

As the world twiddled its collective thumbs wondering what to do in their down time, the greatest team of heroes were assembling… to sniff each other’s assholes. With nothing else on in cinemas anywhere for anyone, crowds have flocked with tails wagging to see PAW Patrol: The Movie.

They’ll Be There On The Dou-Ble

Cinema-goers are dog tired of Marvel movies and magnetic Fast and Furious films. They want heroes with balls. And they want that hero to lick their own balls. With end of week box-office receipts of $135million stateside and the rest of the world fetching $105million, PAW Patrol has been a very good doggy.

Cinema Is Saved

Scare stories appeared in certain publications (thank you The Guardian) and many people believed that cinema was doomed. Therefore those evil cats at Netflix, Apple TV and Disney+ were waiting to snaffle the dog treats away. But PAW Patrol broke free of its leash and ran away with a nice big juicy bone.

A Shaggy Dog Tale

The past 18 months has been really ‘ruff’ for the cinema industry. But it certainly set tails wagging when we see numbers like this for PAW Patrol. Streaming is no longer the cat who got all of the cream. Cinema is chasing streaming services back up the tree with its tail firmly between its legs. Cinema might have been in the dog’s bed for the past 18 months but the sun eventually shines on every dog’s ass. And we at The Exec, are lapping it up like good dogs. Cinema is not Old Yeller, quite yet.

PAW Patrol Is Currently In Cinemas

VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

MARVEL HAWKEYE SERIES STORYLINE

BREAKING NEWS – The Marvel Hawkeye series storyline has been leaked online. Starting at the end of the Korean War, the Marvel Hawkeye series storyline will follow the title character after he leaves his MASH Unit.

Marvel At Hawkeye and Corporal Klinger

Following Hawkeye after he leaves the Army and his MASH Unit behind, he travels to Seoul with Corporal Klinger and his wife. While in Seoul, Benjamin Hawkeye takes up archery and discovers his natural talent for the sport. Soon, he’s representing the USA in Archery at the Olympics, winning silver and missing out on gold to Bullseye (Colin Farrell).

SHIELD On The Radar

In the second episode, Hawkeye is recruited into SHIELD by his old Army buddy, Radar. Radar now works for SHIELD in communications and soon the two are battling against their nemesis, Major Margaret ‘Hotlips’ Houlihan. Elliot Gould turns up in a cameo role but leaves quickly when he realizes this is the TV MASH and not the movie.

Non-Stop Court Action

In the third episode, the estate of the late Robert Altman takes the makers of Hawkeye to court. It’s because they’re not seeing a penny from the characters that first appeared in Altman’s movie. The majority of the episode will be a ranting monologue from Altman’s lawyer about ‘those bastards at Fox’ and then ‘those corporate fuckers at Disney’.

Post Endgame

The show then jumps forward to the events immediately after Endgame. There we find Hawkeye at a crossroads in his life. He takes semi-retirement where he spends the rest of his days appearing in the occasional Neil Simon film adaptation and Woody Allen film. The Woody Allen films are all before that ‘you know’… business came out in the news. But let’s not get into that right now. That’s a whole other can of worms.

Hawkeye Premiers Soon On Disney+

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

Marvel-lous Car Prices

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

FIVE WORST MOVIE LISTS LISTED

The Exec takes a stand against lazy film journalism with our Five Worst Movie Lists list. Are you bored of reading list after list in your regular movie news outlets? We bring you the definitive five worst movie lists list that drunk and high film journos submit to their equally drunk and equally high commissioning editors every Friday afternoon rather than do a decent day’s work:

5: The Best Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar

Do you really care about the films whose producers and studios didn’t grease enough palms or have enough dirt on the voting members of The Academy? See also – Films that thought they were worthy but actually sucked balls and Martin Scorsese’s best movies.

4: Actors To Play The Next James Bond

We haven’t even had Daniel Craig’s final film yet. Do you honestly think a producer of Barbara Broccoli’s stature is going to commit to anything until the numbers are in and banked? It’s the most uncertain movie opening of all time. Do pay attention double-0-knucklehead.

3: Marvel’s Films Ranked

You can replace Marvel with any franchise, star or noteworthy director. They’re not written with any joy and celebration, they want to piss you off with their number 1 choice and goad you into sharing it. CLICK. BAIT. Fishy.

2: The Best (Insert Genre) Movies You’ve Never Seen

They can’t be that fucking great if nobody has ever seen them. Stop assuming everyone is a bottom feeding moron who only watches whatever it is Buzzfeed tells them to watch. Also, stop signposting how clever you are for appreciating an ‘undiscovered masterpiece’ that we would never have seen if it weren’t for you.

1: Lists About Other Movie Lists

Who the hell do you think you are? Why are you telling people what they can and can’t read? But people keep reading the lists and giving these websites hits. Because of that, they keep being commissioned, over and over again.

NEXT WEEK – THE EXEC’S HOT TAKE ON TAKES

DORFF DENIES MCU REJECTION

HOLLYWOOD: In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Stephen Dorff denies MCU rejection after slating the upcoming Black Widow movie by Marvel.

Stephen, thank you for agreeing to talk with us:

Yeah well, everyone wants a piece of Dorff now, don’t they. I say one little thing about Marvel movies and you all come running.

It was quite inflammatory, in all fairness. You certainly didn’t hold back:

Why should I? There’s no quality in mainstream cinema anymore. Fucking Marvel. They’re a bunch of assholes. I went to them with my Blade spin-off idea and they fucking laughed at me. I wanted to do a stop motion animated kids series all about Deacon Frost. He was my character in Blade, not that anyone gives a shit. But even if they said yes, I would’ve turned them down. Assholes.

Would you say you’re bitter about that:

No. I don’t even care nor nuffin. Scarlett is a great actress but she’s wasting her time making millions upon millions and pleasing all those people with that baseless crap. She should be doing what I’m doing. Out there, on the edge. I’m on that artistic razor blade man. I’m busting a gut, day and night trying to make quality movies. Real art, ya dig?

Such as:

Um, I was in Albion: The Enchanted Stallion, Space Truckers umm… oh yeah, and I was in True Detective.

Yeah, but not the good season with Woody and Matthew:

Aw, why’d you have say that. Ya couldn’t just let me have that, could you. You’re all the fucking same. I wasn’t in that second season. That was a real piece of shit, whereas my season was a little better than just shit. It was mediocre. That’s ok isn’t it? Mediocre is a pass. C-grade average kinda stuff. I’m sorry, I’m not crying, I just have some dust in my eyes.